Helllo, Denver

Hello anyone who still actually reads this! I'm sorry for not posting in forever and a day. I would like to say "I've been busy," but in reality, I've been lazy and caught up in myself. I feel like a lot yet little has happened or changed since I last posted, but things certainly have changed. I want to try and tell you about my life since my prior post... So, my first semester back at Lee was...okay. Like I said before, I was having a hard time with not having new friends and not knowing what I wanted to do. Well, that was a little more than a hard time apparently. In my Foundations of Western Culture class, we were assigned to read "The Iliad" and I did not read "The Iliad" because I had a hard time focusing and understanding the language...that is until a Friday when I realized "Oh....I have a test over this next week." I then decided to take it upon myself to read the entire Iliad in two days. Bad. Choice. I did nothing but read. I started getting dizzy, having headaches, shortness of breath, and my heart would beat really fast. That Sunday, I woke up at like 4 in the morning with chest pain and my breathing was off, so I texted my dad (who I knew would be awake), and told him what was going on and what to do. He advised me to go to the health clinic when it opened (if I didn't think the ER was necessary), so I did. They told me it was anxiety and if it happened again or persisted to go to the ER, which I ended up doing later that night. They also told me that it was anxiety (after making a snarky, rude comment about eating that ticked me off). Later, I looked up anxiety and anxiety attacks, and as it turned out, I was experiencing my first REAL (I faked one my sophomore year to get out of golfing an 18-hole golf tournament) anxiety attack. Apparently my weekend with "The Iliad" provoked a full on panic attack, which ended up lasting about two weeks on and off. Frickin' Homer. I researched anxiety more, gave up/tried to give up caffeine, and there was that. I had BAD anxiety. My new found anxiety was completely new to me and I didn't know how to deal with it. On top of that, I was in a biology class that made me want to throw and break things, the rest of my classes were slightly challenging (but I enjoyed them), and I was just stressed. I interviewed for a group on campus called S.W.A.T. (Students With A Testimony), and I LOVED the people and the ministry in itself (essentially, they lead small groups on weekend retreats for kids from 6th-12th grade). I made it into the group, and I was so stoked for my new friends and the opportunity. The same week as the interviews, I went to talk with an academic advisor in the business program, told him what I kind of wanted to do with my life, and asked if that program would work for my goals, and he said it would be perfect for it. The next day, we had something called "Celebration" to celebrate all of the accomplishments and donors and people and what not of Lee, and all of the students were required to go listen to one out of a ton of speeches being given by people that Lee brought into speak. I went to a speech from this dude who opened a coffee shop and travels around the world to source the beans. I don't know if I ever wrote about the idea I had last year of a career, but one thing I had toyed around with was opening a coffee shop (like Starbucks, or River Road for those in the 740), travel to 3rd world countries, make it a mission field for Christ, source the beans there, and then travel back to the states and sell the coffee in the shop and tell the stories of the people. Hearing that talk confirmed it. I had to do my coffee shop thang. I declared my major as Business Administration with an emphasis in International Business as soon as I could and I was so excited for my life and all of the opportunities and blessings God was giving me...and then I got a call from mom... The same day as the Celebration, I received a very frantic phone call from my mother, who I could tell was balling her eyes out. All she said was "Your dad called the health clinic, and he told me what you weigh. We're coming to get you and you're going to treatment." My heart stopped. I was devastated. I spent the next two hours talking to my mom and my dad on the phone, convincing them that I was okay. My parents, being the loving yet enabling people they are (sorry, but you know that it's true), let me stay on the condition that I would eat and go to the health clinic every week for weigh-ins. Of course, I agreed to it but didn't follow through. Ah yes, the eating thing...well, that didn't happen. I would eat, but VERY little and nothing of substantial caloric count. There was a day where I decided to just say "eff it" and I decided to feed my body what it wanted and just eat what I wanted; that ended quickly The only thing that I would consume before noon was coffee, vegetables for lunch, and then something like cereal and soy milk or vegetables and a veggie burger for dinner, copious amounts of diet soda to satisfy my hunger through the night, and then always something before bed. Carbohydrates from grains became my biggest fear, calories became the enemy, and I continued to spiral. I experienced my first "binge" on Halloween day after I hadn't eaten anything but carrots all day. I know it was a binge because I completely lost control and was almost out of my body yet shoving fistful after fistful of Fritos, candy corn, and other candies into my mouth with no real reason to. As I was doing it, I would tell myself "I'm just feeding myself what my body wanted," but it soon became "You're so stupid," "guilty," "how could you have done that?", "fat", "moron," etc. I hated myself. I told my friends that it was happening and asked for them to pray for me. I called my dad on the verge of tears. I told myself to restrict and make up for it the next 3 days, but after those 3 days were over, the guilt remained and I continued restricting the best I could. I went to my best friend/roommate's house for Thanksgiving and ate little to nothing. It was the strangest and "best" Thanksgiving of my life because they didn't have a normal Thanksgiving meal, so I got away with eating vegetables for dinner. My eating disorder behaviors had gotten worse and they were bad while I was on campus. I ordered skim milk and sugar free syrups in my coffee specialty drinks, I HAD to watch them make it to ensure that it was made in the right way and if not it had to be re-made, I had to customize all of my foods to make them have the least calories possible, and the list goes on. My eating disorder had taken over, and I didn't care. I didn't care that I was destroying myself. I didn't care that I was light-years away from God (but He was always right besides me). I didn't care that, from hundreds of miles away, I was destroying my family. I didn't care that my speech was beginning to slur, I wanted to sleep all of the time, my feet and hands fell asleep very easily, my ears started to ache in a way that they never had before, and I was freezing allllllllllllll of the time. My hair never fell out, though, so there's a plus. When exam time came around, I came to a point where I just didn't care and I wanted to go home. I wanted the stress of eating and spending money and life to be over, so I didn't care at all what my grades were. I ended up getting 3 A's, a B-, and a C (in biology, which I was NOT expecting), so I guess I did well despite my deteriorating self. 3 of my absolute, best of the best ever best friends came home took a little road trip to Ohio with me to spend a few days exploring my fatherland. It was so much fun. When they left, I was so upset because I wanted to be back at Lee with them and not at home. I LOVE my friends so much! We grew so super close over the semester. We made plans to get a house together next year, plans for our weddings, and our lives were in the palms of our hands and we could be together through all of it. The rest of my break was okay. I didn't do much because I didn't work, but I made plans, which stressed me out to the EXTREME. I had to make sure that I did all of the things that I planned to do with my friends from back home. A lot of what I planned centered around food and eating, so I would have to plan my days around that which added stress. If I went out for coffee with a friend in the morning and got a muffin, I'd have to make sure I could get around having other grain-type carbs the rest of the day; stuff like that. I slept with my mom the entire time (despite Ringo [my dog] trying to guard the bed from me) because my room was the coldest room in the house. Even then, my mom got to a point where she could barely look at me because she couldn't stand the sight of what I was doing to myself. We couldn't have a conversation where I didn't get mad and yell at her for bothering me about my eating stuff, or the conversation just feeling forced and unnatural. I eventually agreed to go see my old physician, which never happened...but this time for a different reason than the usual "I don't want to go to the doctor" bit... On New Years Eve, I felt a lot of pressure in my chest, my breathing was really off and weird, and I felt so weak. I told my dad, and he asked if I wanted to go to the hospital, which I said "not right now" to. The next day, we went to see "The Hobbit" (our tradition; though I don't know what we'll do now that the saga has ended...) and we spent the night at home. Around 8, one of my best friends was on his way over when I told him that I felt sick and to go home. I knew it was coming, so I wanted to get it over with ASAP so I could have a chance of making it back to school on time: I asked to go to the hospital. I was admitted on New Years Day and spent 10 days in there. The moment I was admitted, I knew going back to school wasn't an option. If it was, my parents were the biggest morons on the face of the earth. I ultimately decided to admit myself (since I'm 19), but the only reason that I did was because my parents told me to; I would have been completely fine with going home, though the thought of a break from all of my eating disorder stress did sound appealing. I spent my first 3 or 4 days in the hospital feeling guilty, ashamed, and stupid for admitting myself: I could have gone back to school and my life would have been normal. On top of that, they made me either eat meat or take Ensure because I had eaten meat last year; I was hungry so I ate the stinkin' animal flesh...gross. The discussions of treatment centers followed, and the calls to places ranging from Florida, to Indiana, to Oklahoma began. I began to be okay with the thought of treatment. I started to look at schools online so I wouldn't fall terribly behind, and I might even be starting class this coming Monday (that's still up in the air). I asked if I could be discharged before breakfast when I was told my release date so dad and I could go to one of my breakfast places in the C-Bus, which they agreed to! Unfortunately, after being discharged on Sunday morning at 7:30 a.m., dad and I went to Tasi, where I got my usual (Greek yogurt with granola, fruit, and honey) despite really wanting a pancake. As I watched the chef prepare my dish, pouring on calories on top of calories of honey, I instantly regretted my choice. As I ate it, I thought of how stupid I was for ordering something higher in calories and price because I was scared of the grain-carbs in the pancake. Stupid. Just stupid. The next two days were rough because there was nothing but arguing over me not eating, my parents having the biggest fight I've ever heard them have over me, and just a bunch of stupid stuff that I caused. Oh yeah, I ate and did perfectly fine in the hospital, but eating at home, I realized, is hard for me/I just can't do it. On Monday, after 300 phone calls and a lot of anxiety, I booked a plane ticket to Denver, Colorado to go to treatment (which is where we had decided that I would be going to treatment, btw.) So, here I am: at the Eating Recovery Center in Denver, Colorado. It's Saturday and virtually nothing happens on weekends. I've been doing very well. When I'm in treatment, I have no problem eating (it's home where the challenge lies), and I've already moved to what they consider to be a level two...in only 4 days! WOO! I've been my real happy and positive self, though on Wednesday I thought about how I would soon be gaining weight and my clothes would start to get tight, so that will be telling once it really begins to happen. The food here is decent; not as good as Rosewood, but decent. I haven't really slept since getting here (or for quite some time leading up to it). I still have rolly veins that make it difficult to draw blood...nothing very new. I've started reading two devotion books a day, books about spirituality and God, and talking to my peers about God...why does it take something as devastating as my life getting rocked off the wagon wheel with Darius Rucker (I've also started to enjoy country music...I don't know what's happening to me), dropping out of school (I dropped out of Lee...again), going to treatment, and essentially having no control of my life to draw me into seeking God? I guess that's the way most humans work. Right now, I feel happy and content. I'm okay with being here because it's what my family wants. I'm okay with leaving Lee because I realized the only reason I was there was for my friends (which isn't the best reason to drop so much cash on a school). I'm okay with where I am in life. However, I'm terrified of gaining weight because no one really knows what my "normal weight is"...I've never had one. I'm terrified because I remember what I looked like and how massive I felt last year when I got out of treatment and I don't want to go back to that. I'm terrified that my treatment team is going to make me bigger than I should/want to be. The funny thing is, I'm not afraid of my eating disorder. I certainly don't want it, but I'm not afraid of it like I am gaining weight. If you ask me if I want to get better, I'll tell you the honest truth: no. I really don't want to get better. There is too much safety and certainty in my eating disorder that I'm not ready to give up. However, I'm going to get better for my family because I can't stand the sight of seeing my little brother cry his eyes out because he doesn't think I'm going to wake up in the morning to tell him about a poop I took. My family is my inspiration. God is my inspiration. I guess this is just one of those things where I'm going to cast my anxieties upon the Lord, and try and rest knowing that I'm made in His perfect image. Life doesn't suck yet, but when it does, I hope that I can turn to God and really rely on him versus relying on starving myself for peace.

So Much For 4 Weeks

GOOD NEWS: My 4 weeks of treatment in the PHP program are over! BAD NEWS: My 4 weeks of treatment in the PHP program ended last Saturday, yet I am still in treatment in the PHP program. Yes, I'm still in treatment. As I sat in one of the rooms where we spend most of our time here last Monday, I saw my therapist, doctor, psychiatrist, and dietician walking down the hall with intent to my therapist's office. When I saw this, I automatically thought, "Oh crap. This has to do with me." Moments later, my therapist came to me, and asked if I could come with her. I swear I'm a friggin' psychic. I sat down, nearly snuggling in the small office, with the members of  my treatment team, as they told me that my BMI wasn't where it needs to be for me to move on to a lower level of treatment that usually comes following the 4 weeks in the PHP program. They then told me that I would be in treatment longer, but how much longer they did not know, and that would be determined on a week by week basis. I left the room feeling very emotional, yet very unsurprised and very uncaring about everything. Every weekend that I 've been in this treatment, I've lost weight over the weekend. Mind you, it is always miniscule amounts, but it's still a trend that isn't supposed to be happening. I don't really know why it happens exactly. Well, I kind of do...I usually don't get all of my exchanges in and I do some sort of physical activity that I don't always do on the weekdays while I'm in treatment. Still, I usually only miss one or two exchanges, and the "physical activity" I do includes hanging pictures on my wall or walking up the stairs to get to the bathroom or my room; so it's not like I'm doing anything drastic. I am amazed, though, at the fact that with all of the food I'm eating and little activity I do I can lose weight, while there are people who work out and eat very little and hardly lose an ounce. I'm in a state of "hypermetabolism" (I've discussed this in a previous post), which means my metabolism is so high it just burns up everything it takes in quickly. I'm on a higher meal plan because of it. And I am scared to stray from my meal plan. The way I see it is I'm already eating so much food, why should I eat more than that? I'm scared to eat more than my meal plan says, in short. You would think that in this metabolic state I would feel like I can eat whatever I want with no fear because my body will just burn it up; but sadly no. Also, being on a higher meal plan has its pros and cons. Pros are that I'm excited that I get to eat so much (which sounds dumb as I write it out). Cons are that it makes it very difficult and stressful to get everything in when I'm at home. My psychiatrist increased the dose of the anxiety medication I'm on last week. It's supposed to make me less anxious about food, eating, and my parents being in control of my food. I've noticed the medicine has made me more willing to give up control to my parents, but I'm still very hesitant to do so. Giving up control to my parents has been the biggest struggle in this whole process so far. Within the five weeks of treatment, I really haven't done as I'm supposed to and given up complete control. It's very dificult for me to do. See, I trust my parents with everything...except food/portions/etc.. They don't know enough about it or what "normal" eating looks like for me to be able to give them complete trust and control, so that's where my problem lies. I really am trying to give up control, it's just a very hard battle. While the control battle is proving to be one of my greatest challenges, so is the whole battle of recovery. I've learned that through the re-feeding process (which is what I'm currently going through) there is a great deal of anxiety and depression that occurs within the patient; oh, is that the truth. Anxiety in that I'm anxious about trusting my parents with food or what I eat. Depression over still being here, not being in school, not having anything to look forward to, and just general feelings of depression. But the thig is, I don't feel depressed; I honestly feel happy, but I feel like a cloud of depression is covering that happiness. A lot of it stems from not having anything to look forward to (since I'm not in school, and even when I go back to school, I'm only going across the street to the branch), but when I put that into perspective, I only have like two months before I can start Summer classes and working again. Right now, it just feels like the whole recovery thing sucks. It's so hard and frustrating. Between the meal plan and not knowing when I'll be done with treatment, I'm so stinkin' frustrated and stressed out. On top of all that, my clothes are starting to get tighter, and my stomach is starting to stick out. Believe it or not, that doesn't bother me as much as one would think because I know it's part of the re-feeding process (also discussed in a prior post). All of the weight initially gained in the process accumulates in the stomach because it wants to protect the vital organs, but it will eventually re-distribute to the rest of the body as long as you continue to eat normally. I'm really really REALLY hoping this proves to be true because right now I feel like I look pregnant. In the past five weeks, I've been through a plethora of emotions. I go from depressed, sad, hopeless, happy, excited, disappointed, cheerful, annoyed, frustrated, overwhelmed, stressed, scared, and pretty much every emotion under the sun. I've been in states of "woe is me" to being helpful and offering insight to others. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be in treatment, and that's frustrating. I don't know how much longer I'll have to deal with the eating disorder, which is more frustrating. I'm still trusting that this is all happening for a reason, God is using it for a greater good, and God knows what he's doing with all of this. I feel very indifferent and uncaring about staying in treatment longer because I feel like it must be what I need and it is God's will. I'm done trying to figure out God's will for my life, and I'm done trying to fight it to try and have my will be done instead of His. I've adopted a sort of "go with the flow" sort of attitude. I still struggle, and I still fight for control. The difference now, though, is that I know when to put my guard down and give into what is best for me. Hopefully, that's what I'm supposed to do, and that's what will get me through this disease.

Thanksgiving...Not A Fan

This has not been a very good past couple of weeks. I've been restricting a lot and feeling very down, lethargic, and depressed. The worst part is that I have no idea why. I'm left to assume it is because I'm stressed because I generally restrict my food intake because its how I deal with stress. But I don't know why I'm stressed. I don't have strenuous school work or anything to do ever.....I think that could be why. I HATE not having anything to do. HATE. LOATHE. And, f.y.i., if you're looking for things to do in Cleveland, TN, the best thing to do is leave Cleveland, TN and go somewhere else because there is NOTHING to do. Last Saturday, my friends and I had nothing to do, so went to Starbucks, and thought, "Well, we've got nothing better to do...let's go get piercings." So we went and got various piercings because we were just that bored. YOLO. I just wish that I knew what exactly it was that made me have such a dramatic shift in my thoughts and behaviors in this past week or so. I would feel immensly better if I knew why (I may not BE better, but I I would feel better).

Like I said, I've been restricting a lot more in the past week than I have been in a while. I honestly think that it has a lot to do with the fact that yesterday was Thanksgiving. First off, I've never been a fan of Thanksgiving or the types of food that supply the menu. What is more frightening than an entire day based on the concept of gorging oneself on high-calorie food and sitting around, doing nothing? Very little in my life right now (which, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I honestly am thankful for. People deal with a lot more things and are scared of worse things). Plus, since I started eating meat, I didn't know how to handle the "holiday" since I haven't eaten meat in so long. On Tuesday and Wednesday nights, I kept thinking of how I wanted to (note that I WANTED to) restrict in the future. I kept thinking of how I could restrict when I got back to school (I'm at my friend's house in Knoxville for the Thanksgiving break), and I just kept thinking that all I would drink coffee, eat dinner, and a snack before bed...that's it. Don't ask why I WANTED to do that, but it's the way my mind was working. I've also been comparing what I eat with what one of my friends who I'm with eats. She eats very little (at least from what I see her eat. I don't always watch her to see her snack and stuff), and I feel like I need to eat either as much as or less than she eats. It was amazing, though, because yesterday, the day after Thanksgiving, I had a shift in my thoughts. I ate with my companions throughout the day, and didn't think as much of it. I still feel like restricting when I return to school, but not as badly as I wanted to (and as I do some positive self-talk and eventually return to campus, I'll hopefully be out of that mind-set completely). So the past two days have been more pleasant.

I keep thinking about food, though. Like how I'm going to eat, what I'm going to eat, etc. I've decided (for now, at least) that either once I get back to campus or back home, I will be returning to a vegetarian lifestyle. Yes, I could be wanting to do this as a means of restricting, and yes it could be because I want to return to my vegetarian identity. However, I feel like it causes me to restrict just as much as or more than when I don't eat meat. I admit, it does make life easier, as it's always around and everyone eats it. However, I really don't like the way that any meat tastes, I know how to get protein from non-fleshy sources, and the only time I really want anything meat-based is when I want soup and the only place that I can get it is at Einstein Brothers when they're open and the dining hall is not. I don't know. It's another hard decision. I think that I'll only eat meat when I'm staying at a place where I have no personal connections who know that I don't eat meat, and my hosts offer me meat. Other than that, though, if I have a choice, I just don't prefer meat (besides fish. Fish is always good).

I want to be home. Never in  a gazillion years did I think that I wanted to be in Newark, Ohio. I realized that I really don't like Lee University. At least, not right now, or at least I just don't like Cleveland. The lack of activity and life in the area is painful to me. PAINFUL. I'm so excited to be with my family, see my old friends, be in Columbus (which, despite my hate for Ohio, is my favorite place on earth), sit next to my fireplace, and do a bunch of things that I've talked about doing with my loved ones. It is taking a great deal of strength to be "responsible" and not leave before my finals (don't worry, I'm going to take my stinkin' tests). Through the past couple of weeks, I haven't been able to feel God very much. I know he's there, but it's not like I'm basking in his magnificence and glory, skipping into church with a holy happiness. But that's the way that faith works: one isn't always going to be super duper happy with their relationship with God. Jesus himself said that following him would suck sometimes (I'm pretty sure that's biblical, verbatim.) I believe with my whole heart that there is a reason for this less than favorable season in my life. I know that I'm going through this because God has something great and awesome and stupendous planned to come out of it. I wish that I could feel God, be super happy, and not be going through my stupid food thoughts and eating disorder bull ca-ca, but I'm wayyyyyyy better off than most. For that, I am thankful. I'm thankful for my life, all of the good and bad parts in it. I'm thankful for blankets, heat, the sun, sweatshirts, fire, hot coffee, fuzzy socks, a place to sleep at night, having people who love me, and most importantly, having a relationship with Christ. So even though I say "I hate my life" wayyyyyyy more than I should (especially right now), I don't mean it. I love my life and all of the warm things that God has blessed me with.

One Week Later

It's been a little over one week (I say a little over because it's one hour and 27 minutes past midnight) since my challenge ended. Here's how things have been going...
Not too hot. I haven't been following my meal plan to a tee anymore. Actually, I haven't really been following it at all. I've been trying to eat intuitively, but I've realized that I can't do that effectively or normally yet. I haven't been eating as much as I know I should be. I take into account the different food groups that I need, but I eat what I think sounds good. However, I've realized that my fears and preoccupations with food and certain food groups re-surface when I'm not following the meal plan. For example, if I have a bagel for breakfast, I'll be timid to eat carbs the rest of the day even though I technically need at least 6 more grain servings. I've been more relaxed with fruits and vegetables, as those are fairly low-calorie foods, and I do love them the most (at least, I think it's me who loves them and not my eating disorder...). I'm still planning my eating plans for each day ahead of time (which is still really annoying and makes me hate my life a little bit), but I do it differently than I did when I was following my meal plan. I think about what I'm going to eat, but not how I'm going to get all of my servings in. For the past two days, I've been trying to get back on track, but it hasn't been going too hot. I'll try again tomorrow, but the way my mind is working right now, it doesn't seem too likely; hopefully I'm wrong and I can beat my eating disordered thoughts. Welcome to the never-ending battle with an eating disorder.

The weather on November 1 in Cleveland, TN (HALLELUJAH! It was beautiful!)

Today was a good day, even though my eating wasn't too hot. I woke up at 2:30 to take my friend, Camille, to the airport with my other friend Ruth. We got back around 5 and went back to bed. I woke up around 9:30 to get ready to go to an academic advising session with my advisor at 10:30. I got dressed and ready, read my Bible and daily devotion, and debated whether or not to have a Boost or Balance bar...I went with the Balance bar. After sitting in my advisor's office for half an hour, he didn't show up, so I re-scheduled for noon, and went to my Mission of the Church Class at 11. I returned to his office at 12, waited for 45 minutes, and then left. HOWEVER, I met him as I was leaving and he apologized for making me wait. We then went on to have my advising session, and I went on my way. Oh, I also switched my major this week from Intercultural Studies to Anthropology. I don't know what I'm going to do yet; all I know is that I want to travel, do something with and to help people, and something to further God's kingdom. I also think that I might want to do something dealing with body image because I've formed a bit of a passion for it the past couple of years, but I'm not sure what I could do with that. Anyway, I LOVE MY NEW ADVISOR! He's awesome (even though he made me wait a little bit. But that's okay because I had good ol' Candy Crush to keep me occupied). After my advising session, I returned to my dorm, read for my Global Perspectives seminar quiz, ate some carrots, and then went to withdraw from a class. I then went to check my mail and then I went to my Global Perspectives Class. After that, I went to my true home...you guessed it...Starbucks. I went with my friends Ruth, Heather, Lori, and Melissa. We took homework and study stuff to keep budy and make it a productive trip. I got a venti mocha light frappucino, and I got it FOR FREE because I had a freebie reward! BOOM! I talked to the supervisor about the application that I turned in a week ago, she took my name and availability, and now we play the waiting game...fingers crossed. We stayed at Starbucks for nearly 2 hours (it was beautiful), and I got a good deal of a paper done.

Being a hipster, working on a laptop with my coffee beverage, at Starbucks.

My second beverage at Starbucks...I'm not addicted...

We returned to campus around 6ish, and went to dinner. Good food night at the dining hall, as I had lemon dill cod, steamed broccoli and carrots, and mixed fruit. And a couple bites of a peanut butter cookie. After dinner, we went to Melissa's room (she lives in a different, suite-style dorm), and had a movie party. It was fun. Melissa had a big box of candy and goodies that her family sent her for her birthday and she let us have whatever we wanted out of it. I had some fruit snacks, gum, and a cosmic brownie. Now, I was timid to have the brownie because I was a little afraid of it, I didn't know if I really wanted it, and because I'm a weirdo. I decided just to eat it, though, because I'm a college kid with my friends who are eating whatever they want without thinking about it and enjoying it. And you know what? I enjoyed it, and that's all that matters. We watched "Cabin In The Woods" which was really dumb, and "Side Effects" which was alright. We left around midnight to return to the dorm. My friends went to sleep, and I sat down to finish the paper that I worked on at Starbucks. I called my mom and talked to her for about 19 minutes, put "Blue's Clues" on Amazon Prime (nothing else sounded good...), and here we are now....

So, to wrap it up: I haven't been following my meal plan which is proving to be an issue. So what am I going to do you ask? I'm going to get back into the habit of it. Through my research during the project, I learned that it takes 6-12 months minimum to recover from food-obsessed thoughts, as long as you keep up with re-nourishing your body (which is what the meal plan does). Since I LOATHE this stupid food obsession, I have no choice but to do this meal plan. While I'm not going to stress out about making sure that I follow it 100%, I am at least going to follow it as best as I can throughout the day. I'm also going to keep enjoying Starbucks. And hopefully I'll get a job there. And I'll keep doing "normal" college kid stuff, like watching movies with my friends and eating Little Debbies just because. And I'll work on papers that aren't due for another week at one in the morning. And I'll watch "Blue's Clue's" and "Spongebob," gosh darn it. As they say, "YOLO."

Day Twenty-Eight: And In The End...

Day 28, here we are. The end of the road. The last hoo-rah. The final day of my 28 day challenge/project/research. I set out to follow a meal plan 100%. I endeavored to get out of an eating disorder. I set out on a quest to be my idea of "normal." So the question is...did I fulfill my quest? Did I make it to my goal? Am I "normal"?

Through my project, I've learned that I am able to do things that I set my mind to. I was never able to follow a meal plan because I didn't have the motivation to do so, but once I got it, I did it. I also learned that following a meal plan is hard and not very fun. I constantly thought about what I was going to eat next and how I would get all of my servings in. It changed my obsession with food from thinking about how badly I wanted it but not eating it out of fear, to obsessing over how to eat everything I needed to. I also learned that I may have OCD, or at least I have obsessive tendencies regarding food. I learned that I won't get "fat" by eating normal amounts of food, or simply eating the foods that I fear. Most importantly I learned a lot about myself, my abilities, and (most most importantly) my faith.

There were certain things that I liked and disliked about the project, obviously. Some things that I liked were getting to eat like a normal person, feeling motivated to follow the challenge, getting to experience some foods that I hadn't eaten in a long time, and I actually really enjoyed blogging. The things I disliked included the constant obsession over food, the times when I had to get a lot of servings in at the end of the day because I neglected to get them earlier in the day, and just thinking about how badly I wanted to be able to eat whatever I wanted to (a.k.a. intuitive eating).

In regards to the rules that I set for myself, I followed all of them! Now, I'm not going to act like I'm #perf, because I'm not. I don't think that I got all of my servings in all of the time like I thought/hoped I did, I obsessed over food (like no other), I felt a touch of guilt once or twice for what I ate, and I chewed gum every now and then (mainly to focus when I was driving). I only missed IOP one day because I had to go to Nashville for Fall break. Other than that, I did really well!

Now that the project is over, only a couple of questions remain: what exactly does it take to be "normal"? How much longer will it be until I honestly 100% eat intuitively? What is my metabolism doing? Will my eating disordered thoughts take over? Will I ever be "normal" again? Are my obsessive thoughts caused by
 malnutrition? Will I stop thinking about them once I'm nourished? Will I get the passions that I once had back? Will I get a longer attention span? And then just your average questions...what is the meaning of life?

Now that it's over, will I go on? Well, duh. Will I keep blogging? Probably, but not every day. I'm going to do something to celebrate my success with this challenge and the end of my blog, but I don't know when. I'll definitely take sweet pix and write about it. For now, though, I'm at my friend Janelyn's house with some of my other friends, so I'm going to wrap it up. After all, it's normal to have a sleepover and eat pizza and talk until 4 in the morning and watch movies with your friends. I don't want to be blogging all night; good grief.

Day Twenty-Seven: I Need A Longer Attention Span

I'm sitting in the library with my friends, Heather and Camille, trying to read books to research information for a paper I have to write. As my eyes go from word to word, my mind is thinking about doing other things. Some of it's food, some of it's just thinking of doing other things. What is it about reading that I just can't stay focused on? It's even a subject I have interest in. When I notice my mind wandering, I reprimand myself because I can't focus. The dialogue in my head goes something like, "why can't you focus? You need to focus! Are you not interested? Dude, you're reading about something that you want to make a career out of. You should be enveloped in this stuff." I wish I could be more interested, but I'm just not. Well, I'm also reading a book, and I have a hard time reading books unless they are really quite extraordinary...but I digress.

I've realized that I'm incredibly hard on myself. I really need to give myself more grace and compassion. I'm always talking down to myself because I haven't kicked this eating disorder after four years; because my relationship with God isn't where I would like it to be; because I constantly think about myself and my needs instead of others'; because I don't live up to my own expectations; because I obsess over eating so much; because I think about food more than God; because I don't have any relevant passions in my life because I'm always thinking about food; because I flake out on people; basically, because I'm not perfect. Just F.Y.I., I just had a revelation. I've been preaching for a couple of years now that "perfection" is unattainable, yet I haven't grasped that. I mean, I know that society's view of "perfection" is unrealistic, but I guess I never thought about how one's own view of "perfection" is equally unrealistic. Why is it so hard for human beings to just accept themselves and love themselves for the way that they are? The way God made them, imperfections and kinks and all?

Today in chapel, I had another revelation: God loves all of me, even with my food obsessed thoughts. I realized that I've been trying to make myself present to God without them, even though I constantly pray that He would take them away. I realized that I have them for a reason right now, and God still loves me. He wouldn't make me have them if He didn't know that they would end up alright and for the glory of His kingdom. He knows that they are competing with Him: that they take over where He should be. And yet, He doesn't take them away. Why? I wish that I knew. However, I'm relying on the fact that God knows what He's doing and I don't have to. I just have to follow where He calls me, and have faith that my current sufferings will be of some benefit. My life verse right now is 2 Corinthians 4:17-18..."For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." It's a good one, ay? 

So as far as my attention span goes, here we are blogging instead of reading. In all fairness, though, this blog does have to be done today, and my paper isn't due until next Thursday. I'll give myself that. In reality, I need to give myself more than that in so many aspects of my life. I'm so harsh on myself and that's probably a big reason that I haven;t gotten out of this food funk. If I showed myself the love that God is showing me, than I would probably be happier and better off. Although it's hard to accept the fact that I'm not everything that I'm supposed to be, I need to give up because I'm not strong enough (those are lyrics to a song, by the way). I need to surrender to God, which I think in turn will help me to surrender to myself. I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be me...obsessive food thoughts and all. 

Food Log: Thursday October 24, 2013:

Breakfast:
Power Protein bagel with blueberry cream cheese from Einstein Brothers 

Lunch:
Pizza bagl from Einstein Brothers (I've officially tried every bagel and cream cheese option that they offer at Einstein Brothers...hooray!) 

Dinner: 
Tuna salad; carrots; green beans; slice of provolone cheese; mushrooms; soy milk; pickle

Snack:
Naked

Snack: 
TBD

This is that song. Listen to it. Relate it to your life. DO IT. 

Day Twenty-Six: Obessing Over An Article

I think I might have OCD. My mom and my brother have it, so I'm guessing that there's a really good chance that I have it. I've never really thought about it until today; at least not until tonight. At IOP, we drew what we visualized our eating disorder's to look like, so mine was basically a cloudy fog with the word "food" inside over and over again, and it was looming over a brain (my mind) and a clock (my time). The art therapist threw out the word "obsessive", and I always knew that I had an obsession, but I never considered obessive  compulsive disorder. The fact that it runs in my genes also made me seriously consider it.

This is an article called "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as a Cause of Atypical Eating Disorder: A Case Report". "Objective: To describe a case of an atypical eating disorder with a diagnosis of obsessive-compulsive disorder and discuss the phenomenological and neurobiological aspects links between the disorders." To me, this says that the objective of the study is to see if there's a link between eating and obsessive compulsive disorders. "Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is characterised by the presence of either obsessions or compulsions. Available evidence in the literature suggests a continuum between eating disorders(ED), especially anorexia nervosa (AN) and obsessive compulsive disorders, the former being generally considered as the primary disease and the latter as comorbidity. Conversely, the OCD symptoms could interfere with eating habits and lead to a clinical presentation that resembles that of an eating disorder." POTENTIAL FOR MIND TO BE BLOWN. I have an obsession with food...duh. I think about food all of the time. If it's not worrying about what food will do to me or dreaming of eating it but then not out of fear (which was the reason in the past), or obessing over how and what I'll eat to meet my meal plan (the current situation), food is ALWAYS in my mind. I find it interesting that my eating habits could be influenced from having another disorder.

In the case study, it says "A 26-year-old Caucasian woman was referred to our Eating Disorders Unit for the assessment and treatment of severe weight loss considered as an ‘atypical eating disorder'. Family history revealed that her mother and a younger sister were treated with medication and psychotherapy for OCD. After 3 months of these new feeding habits she started to doubt the amounts and the quality of the prepared foods and to fear damaging her boyfriend’s health." While my obsession isn't about containation, I relate to this because 1.) I have an eating disorder 2.) I have family history of OCD, and they take meds for it 3.) After I started different eating habits on any kind of meal plan, even when I kind of started one as a freshman, the obsession with food took off.

"In this case report, OCD symptoms clearly preceded the reduction of food intake and were responsible for severe weight loss that closely mimicked AN. A continuum between ED and OCDs has already been described because of some clinical similarities and the prevalence of the comorbidity of both disorders. In addition, these disorders may share some common neurobiological and genetic features. Patients with AN appear to be compulsively obsessed with daily thoughts and behaviours about diet, weight and body image. Furthermore, patients with both EDs and OCD may display a specific cognitive style with dysfunctional thinking patterns like dichotomous thinking, selective abstraction and ‘fortune telling’. The development of obsessive-compulsive symptoms often observed in patients with ED, regardless of whether the behaviours are related to food, have been assumed to be caused or even exacerbated by malnutrition  However, studies comparing the personality and the presence of obsessive-compulsive symptoms before and after starvation has shown that, although those symptoms improve after treatment, patients still display high levels of obsessive-compulsive traits and symptoms after recovery." I'm not sure if I had obsessive thoughts and tendencies before my eating disorder or not. It would explain a lot if I did, and I imagine I did (or at least I hope that I did because it would give more of a reason for behind my eating disorder). I also find it interesting that a lot of my obsession could be caused by malnutrition. Hopefully as I continue to eat the way I'm supposed to, I'll get nourished and less obsessive. Fingers crossed.

I've never considered OCD. I've lived with it in regards to my family my entire life, but it really never crossed my mind. Well, I've always thought that I had "selective" OCD because there are things that I see that have to be a certain way, but there are other things I don't care about. Maybe I'll get tested to see if I have OCD. Maybe not. I think that I'll just wait a while and see if my eating habits change things. For now, I'll just keep eating and praying. That should get me somewhere.

Food Log: Wednesday October 23, 2013:

Breakfast:
Cinnamon-sugar bagel with honey butter

Lunch:
BBQ Tilapia; kale; squash; raw veggies; mixed fruit

Snack:
Protein bar; vanilla milk steamer

Dinner:
Tuna sub-sandwich from Subway; orange; milk

Snack:
Apple; hot chocolate

Snack:
TBD

Pierre Dechelotte, et al. "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder As A Cause Of Atypical Eating Disorder: A Case Report." European Eating Disorders Review 17.6 (2009): 444-447. Academic Search Complete. Web. 23 Oct. 2013.