Day Twenty-Seven: I Need A Longer Attention Span

I'm sitting in the library with my friends, Heather and Camille, trying to read books to research information for a paper I have to write. As my eyes go from word to word, my mind is thinking about doing other things. Some of it's food, some of it's just thinking of doing other things. What is it about reading that I just can't stay focused on? It's even a subject I have interest in. When I notice my mind wandering, I reprimand myself because I can't focus. The dialogue in my head goes something like, "why can't you focus? You need to focus! Are you not interested? Dude, you're reading about something that you want to make a career out of. You should be enveloped in this stuff." I wish I could be more interested, but I'm just not. Well, I'm also reading a book, and I have a hard time reading books unless they are really quite extraordinary...but I digress.

I've realized that I'm incredibly hard on myself. I really need to give myself more grace and compassion. I'm always talking down to myself because I haven't kicked this eating disorder after four years; because my relationship with God isn't where I would like it to be; because I constantly think about myself and my needs instead of others'; because I don't live up to my own expectations; because I obsess over eating so much; because I think about food more than God; because I don't have any relevant passions in my life because I'm always thinking about food; because I flake out on people; basically, because I'm not perfect. Just F.Y.I., I just had a revelation. I've been preaching for a couple of years now that "perfection" is unattainable, yet I haven't grasped that. I mean, I know that society's view of "perfection" is unrealistic, but I guess I never thought about how one's own view of "perfection" is equally unrealistic. Why is it so hard for human beings to just accept themselves and love themselves for the way that they are? The way God made them, imperfections and kinks and all?

Today in chapel, I had another revelation: God loves all of me, even with my food obsessed thoughts. I realized that I've been trying to make myself present to God without them, even though I constantly pray that He would take them away. I realized that I have them for a reason right now, and God still loves me. He wouldn't make me have them if He didn't know that they would end up alright and for the glory of His kingdom. He knows that they are competing with Him: that they take over where He should be. And yet, He doesn't take them away. Why? I wish that I knew. However, I'm relying on the fact that God knows what He's doing and I don't have to. I just have to follow where He calls me, and have faith that my current sufferings will be of some benefit. My life verse right now is 2 Corinthians 4:17-18..."For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." It's a good one, ay? 

So as far as my attention span goes, here we are blogging instead of reading. In all fairness, though, this blog does have to be done today, and my paper isn't due until next Thursday. I'll give myself that. In reality, I need to give myself more than that in so many aspects of my life. I'm so harsh on myself and that's probably a big reason that I haven;t gotten out of this food funk. If I showed myself the love that God is showing me, than I would probably be happier and better off. Although it's hard to accept the fact that I'm not everything that I'm supposed to be, I need to give up because I'm not strong enough (those are lyrics to a song, by the way). I need to surrender to God, which I think in turn will help me to surrender to myself. I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be me...obsessive food thoughts and all. 

Food Log: Thursday October 24, 2013:

Breakfast:
Power Protein bagel with blueberry cream cheese from Einstein Brothers 

Lunch:
Pizza bagl from Einstein Brothers (I've officially tried every bagel and cream cheese option that they offer at Einstein Brothers...hooray!) 

Dinner: 
Tuna salad; carrots; green beans; slice of provolone cheese; mushrooms; soy milk; pickle

Snack:
Naked

Snack: 
TBD

This is that song. Listen to it. Relate it to your life. DO IT.