The Biggest Apology I've Ever Made

Hi. Okay, so you may have noticed that the word "apology" is the focus of the title of this post. There will be many much needed apologies coming up, so get ready... First, I want to apologize for not posting in a long time. I've been...busy? No, I've been lazy. There's been a lot that has changed and updated, and I will reflect on that soon (fingers crossed) in another post very soon, but for now, I want to focus on something more important than just what has changed recently. Second, (beginning the girth of why I'm apologizing, I just have to say that I am sorry. I am so, so, sorry. Not only have things in my life changed, but so have I...and not necessarily for the better. I want to apologize to my friends from any treatment that I've ever been in. Earlier this summer, I got upset with one of my counselor's and I just quit treatment. I gave up. I missed the life that my eating disorder gave me, so I went back to it. I'm sorry to my "friends in recovery" because I wanted to be a better example, a role model for when you wanted to give up, and a better friend. I'm sorry because a real "friend" wouldn't do that. I'm sorry for telling you that this lifestyle is not worth it and then turning around and being a total hypocrite. I'm sorry for not talking to you or inquiring about your lives and struggles all summer. I'm sorry for never making an effort to see any of you. I'm sorry that I let myself become a victim again. I want to apologize to my friends. I didn't make any effort to see any of you this summer, and I'm even more sorry because I didn't want to. I used the excuse of summer school and work to not hang out with you, even though I could have numerous times. I'm sorry that I didn't ask how you were doing more, and for not being there to support you. To be 100% real, I was too tired and I had no energy to do anything (because I wasn't eating like I should have been), so I just stayed at home. I love you guys so much, and I haven't showed it in any degree. I'm sorry. This should be saved for last because He is THE one I should be giving my biggest apology to, but I need to save the last for people who I feel most sorry about (which might not be good...?). But I'm sorry to God. You have given me countless chances, put so many different people in my life, and given me so many blessings and grace to conquer this disease, and I disregarded all of it. I fell into sin, and I did it willingly. I knew the repercussions of what I did, and I didn't care. I didn't care about destroying the temple you've given me. I didn't care about the people you sent who were worried about me. I didn't care about the love and redemption and freedom you gave me through your death. I gave into temptation and flesh and I wanted it. I was not your servant and by means NO example of you. I'm sorry for getting a tattoo in honor of you and your love, and then being a complete hypocrite and making it a joke or a lie. I didn't live my life for you, and I am sorry. Now for the big apology I have to make: to my parents, brother, and family. I am truly sorry. I know, I've said it to you different times, but I don't know if you truly grasp the depth of how remorseful I truly am for what I've done. I'm sorry for tearing us apart. I'm sorry for making you watch me destroy myself. I'm sorry for making you think that I'm going to die. I'm sorry for keeping you up at night wondering if I was still breathing. I'm sorry if I made you lose faith in God or His love mercy. I'm sorry for all of the stupid fights and yelling over food or meals. I'm sorry to my Mom for adding to all of the stress that you have already, being mean to you, being edgy and cranky, and saying things that I never meant. I'm sorry to my Dad for not doing my best, not doing what I need to do, making you doubtful or unsure, and not living up to the potential that you believe I have. I'm sorry to my brother for making you endure all of the fights with Mom and Dad, not being there for you more, for scaring you, for not being a good example of the love of Christ that I want you to have, and for not being a good sister. I'm sorry to my aunt who came all the way from Washington to visit for making your trip miserable and uncomfortable. I'm sorry to my Grandma for not being there for you more when you needed me, or for being there but only for my own self and benefit. I'm sorry to my family, in general, for not being all that you know I can be and for making all of your prayers and well-wishes a waste. So, in sum, I'm just so sorry. I've been mean, selfish, hurtful, disobedient, stubborn, willful, prideful, arrogant, and hateful. It's no excuse, but please know that it wasn't me; it was this stupid disease. I don't want to live like that. I want to be happy and nice and, well...me. Please know that I am going to do my best to make this right. I'm going to eat better, pray harder, study more, and make a life for myself. Not just that, but I'm going to do something to make this world a better place. I love you all more than anything. I can't express myself fully in this post, and (to be honest) I have class in 8 minutes, so I'm keeping this brief. I'm sorry. I love you all. God bless you. I'm apologize.

Thanks and Promises

I'm currently in my 6th week of PHP treatment... a.k.a. three weeks more than what is intended for the program. Not because anything I or my parents have or have not done, but simply because my B.M.I. isn't where it needs to be. BUT today I found out the date that I will be done! April 5 is my last day! What that means is that I have two more weeks of treatment, making my length of stay a total of nine weeks...5 weeks more than what is intended. The most surprising part...I'm actually okay with it. I cannot tell you why or what happened, but since Monday, I've been in a great mood. It could be because I had a good weekend, or because my meds are finally starting to work, or maybe even everything has just been going my way. Nah. Honestly, I feel like this mood shift has changed as the result of all of the prayers I am receiving. I know that people are praying for me all over the country, and I believe in the power of prayer. And it's working. I've been in more a state of acceptance, happiness, joy, reduced anxiety, and just overall goodness. It's really nice to feel this way. So, I just wanted to say thank you: thank you to everyone who has been praying for me. Thank you to everyone who has been rooting for me and my recovery. Thank you to my Dad for sitting through the tedious and lackluster family sessions every week. Thank you to my Mom for overcoming her fears and paranoia and going out to breakfast at places I want to try. Thank you to all of my friends who have stood by my side through this all, and who listen (or read, rather) to all of my pages of texts complaining about my meal plan or my life. Thank you to everyone. I plan on staying better. Really. This time I mean it. Last night, as I got dressed after taking a shower, I had a conversation with my stomach and I promised it that I wouldn't starve it again, that I would treat it right, and that I would love it the way that it is. And I make the same promise to everyone: I promise that I will feed myself and I will do everything I can to fully recover. I believe that God has given me this chance to recover for a reason and I'm going to do it this time. I may complain, have my off days, or slip up, but I WILL NOT give up. I will fight this until it's dead. God will prevail over this ailment and I will be delivered. I may be in a four week program for nine weeks, and that may suck a bit, but if it means I have a better chance of living up to my promise, so be it.

Thanksgiving...Not A Fan

This has not been a very good past couple of weeks. I've been restricting a lot and feeling very down, lethargic, and depressed. The worst part is that I have no idea why. I'm left to assume it is because I'm stressed because I generally restrict my food intake because its how I deal with stress. But I don't know why I'm stressed. I don't have strenuous school work or anything to do ever.....I think that could be why. I HATE not having anything to do. HATE. LOATHE. And, f.y.i., if you're looking for things to do in Cleveland, TN, the best thing to do is leave Cleveland, TN and go somewhere else because there is NOTHING to do. Last Saturday, my friends and I had nothing to do, so went to Starbucks, and thought, "Well, we've got nothing better to do...let's go get piercings." So we went and got various piercings because we were just that bored. YOLO. I just wish that I knew what exactly it was that made me have such a dramatic shift in my thoughts and behaviors in this past week or so. I would feel immensly better if I knew why (I may not BE better, but I I would feel better).

Like I said, I've been restricting a lot more in the past week than I have been in a while. I honestly think that it has a lot to do with the fact that yesterday was Thanksgiving. First off, I've never been a fan of Thanksgiving or the types of food that supply the menu. What is more frightening than an entire day based on the concept of gorging oneself on high-calorie food and sitting around, doing nothing? Very little in my life right now (which, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I honestly am thankful for. People deal with a lot more things and are scared of worse things). Plus, since I started eating meat, I didn't know how to handle the "holiday" since I haven't eaten meat in so long. On Tuesday and Wednesday nights, I kept thinking of how I wanted to (note that I WANTED to) restrict in the future. I kept thinking of how I could restrict when I got back to school (I'm at my friend's house in Knoxville for the Thanksgiving break), and I just kept thinking that all I would drink coffee, eat dinner, and a snack before bed...that's it. Don't ask why I WANTED to do that, but it's the way my mind was working. I've also been comparing what I eat with what one of my friends who I'm with eats. She eats very little (at least from what I see her eat. I don't always watch her to see her snack and stuff), and I feel like I need to eat either as much as or less than she eats. It was amazing, though, because yesterday, the day after Thanksgiving, I had a shift in my thoughts. I ate with my companions throughout the day, and didn't think as much of it. I still feel like restricting when I return to school, but not as badly as I wanted to (and as I do some positive self-talk and eventually return to campus, I'll hopefully be out of that mind-set completely). So the past two days have been more pleasant.

I keep thinking about food, though. Like how I'm going to eat, what I'm going to eat, etc. I've decided (for now, at least) that either once I get back to campus or back home, I will be returning to a vegetarian lifestyle. Yes, I could be wanting to do this as a means of restricting, and yes it could be because I want to return to my vegetarian identity. However, I feel like it causes me to restrict just as much as or more than when I don't eat meat. I admit, it does make life easier, as it's always around and everyone eats it. However, I really don't like the way that any meat tastes, I know how to get protein from non-fleshy sources, and the only time I really want anything meat-based is when I want soup and the only place that I can get it is at Einstein Brothers when they're open and the dining hall is not. I don't know. It's another hard decision. I think that I'll only eat meat when I'm staying at a place where I have no personal connections who know that I don't eat meat, and my hosts offer me meat. Other than that, though, if I have a choice, I just don't prefer meat (besides fish. Fish is always good).

I want to be home. Never in  a gazillion years did I think that I wanted to be in Newark, Ohio. I realized that I really don't like Lee University. At least, not right now, or at least I just don't like Cleveland. The lack of activity and life in the area is painful to me. PAINFUL. I'm so excited to be with my family, see my old friends, be in Columbus (which, despite my hate for Ohio, is my favorite place on earth), sit next to my fireplace, and do a bunch of things that I've talked about doing with my loved ones. It is taking a great deal of strength to be "responsible" and not leave before my finals (don't worry, I'm going to take my stinkin' tests). Through the past couple of weeks, I haven't been able to feel God very much. I know he's there, but it's not like I'm basking in his magnificence and glory, skipping into church with a holy happiness. But that's the way that faith works: one isn't always going to be super duper happy with their relationship with God. Jesus himself said that following him would suck sometimes (I'm pretty sure that's biblical, verbatim.) I believe with my whole heart that there is a reason for this less than favorable season in my life. I know that I'm going through this because God has something great and awesome and stupendous planned to come out of it. I wish that I could feel God, be super happy, and not be going through my stupid food thoughts and eating disorder bull ca-ca, but I'm wayyyyyyy better off than most. For that, I am thankful. I'm thankful for my life, all of the good and bad parts in it. I'm thankful for blankets, heat, the sun, sweatshirts, fire, hot coffee, fuzzy socks, a place to sleep at night, having people who love me, and most importantly, having a relationship with Christ. So even though I say "I hate my life" wayyyyyyy more than I should (especially right now), I don't mean it. I love my life and all of the warm things that God has blessed me with.