My "Ideal" Person

The other night as I laid in bed talking to God, I was telling him about what my "ideal" person would be like. The type of person I want to be. I want to have really long hair, I want to be a serious cyclist, I want to be vegan, I want my relationship with God to be better, I want to be social and out with my friends all of the time, I wouldn't be socially anxious, I want a boyfriend, I want to be able to eat whatever I want, and a couple of other things that I forget. These things are "enhancements" to myself. I don't want to change who I am, I just want things to make myself a better me (at least what I think would make me a better me). I feel like a lot yet nothing has happened since I wrote last. I started working at Dairy Isle again, and it's not necessarily my favorite thing. It's a very high school job: the type of job I had in high school and it was good then, but I've grown a lot since then and want different things, and that makes going to work tedious and boring. Don't get me wrong! I am very grateful for my job, but it's just getting old. As far as my new job goes, I love it! I always thought I'd love working in a coffee shop and I was right. The only thing I don't like about it is the amount of cleaning that you have to do when you close; I'd rather be interacting with people and making drinks...but that's okay! The good thing about all of that cleaning is that it gives me time to think, and I've had a lot of thinking to do lately. A couple of weeks ago, I went down to Lee to visit my friends. It had only been 2 weeks since two of my best friends had visited me for my birthday, and I missed them so much. I requested the weekend off and there I went. It was so much fun! I got to see all of my friends, I had breakfast at Einstein's like old times with my friends, and I just felt back at home. A bunch of people, people I wouldn't expect, kept coming up to me asking, "when are you coming back?" I would respond like a deer in headlights and say, "uhh...I don't know." Can you guess where this is going? Before I went down to Lee, I was perfectly content with staying at home and going to OSU-N. After I left Lee, I realized how much I missed it: my friends, the professors, student life, life on campus, my friends, SWAT, he campus, my friends...everything. I felt as though God kept whispering "Lee" to me. I've thought about it non-stop since I left. Is Lee where God wants me? I don't know. I know that I ultimately want God's will to be done and whatever He has planned for me to come to fruition, I just don't know where that will be. I've talked to two of my best friends about the dilemma I'm facing; they both told me (basically) that God may not have one set place for you, but you can serve Him wherever you are. While that wasn't the answer I was looking for and I got no further in my decision, it did give me hope that I am fulfilling God's will even now, living in Ohio writing this blog post. I have about 4 months to decide whether or not I want to go back, and I really need to take full advantage of that time to pray and think about it. I've talked about it with my parents. It obviously wouldn't be their first choice, but as long as I am taking care of myself and am in a good place, they would be okay with it. I'm worried too. I mean, I don't want to go back for a third try and end up relapsing and dropping out AGAIN. So, I made a list of red flags of me relapsing that I gave to my parents, and if I do begin to relapse prior to returning, they can't let me go back. I even made a list of measures they are to take if I do relapse, including getting medical custody of me, taking away my phone and car, not letting me drink coffee, making me eat meat, not letting me hang out with my brother...basically things that will scare me into not relapsing. You might be asking yourself "why would you do all of that? Wouldn't it be easier just not to go back?" Well, yes, it would be easier. Way easier. But life isn't necessarily meant to be easier. In my life, I want to be a servant of Christ, and He straight up told us that's not going to be easy. We have to step out on a limb and do things outside of our comfort zone if we want to be a real follower. So while I don't know exactly if God wants me at Lee or not, I have to be willing to go where He leads me and take on the challenges that accompany whichever decision I make. Like I said, I have about 4 months to decide, so pray that I really use that time to make a good decision...even though I've pretty much already decided in my heart. Right now, I'm sitting in a Panera in Columbus waiting to go to a doctor's appointment. I had one before this, and we discussed this "ideal" person I want to be. There are a couple of steps I can already take to get to this ideal: I can cycle for 20 minutes 3 days a week, be social, eat more vegan food (which really isn't that difficult for me considering 95% of my diet is vegan), and keep working on my relationship with God. Actually, I'm pretty pleased with the way my life is going, and the way my relationship with God is. I wish I would pray more, read my Bible more, or just spend more time with Him, but all-in-all, I'm satisfied. I've grown so much since I started this blog. I've learned to trust God far more than I ever have. I've learned to accept myself and my body for the way that God has made it; there are certain things that I could change if I could (like my stomach, thighs, and the fact that I am not in shape AT ALL), but I still accept those parts of me and am content with them. I've learned to be content with where He has me in life, and I'm more willing to go where He leads me versus going where I want. I've learned to clothe myself with the armor of God, in terms of views of the world and their outlook on things that bother me. For example, I get real peeved at society's view of fitness an nutrition. Like, the work out all day, eat clean, and say that you're happy restricting yourself of food you actually like, or depriving yourself of quality time with friends and family to spend it at the gym...yeah, right, keep telling yourself that. I've also learned to shield myself of the nasty comparisons I make with people, and the people who make me jealous (the skinny, fit, beautiful, popular, Victoria's Secret angel type). They still come up, but they don't take a hold in my life. How do I do this, you might ask? That's a great question, and I ask myself the same thing. The only thing I can attribute it to is by the grace of God and the persistence He has allowed me to have. I'd say you just have to put in the effort and believe that God has something better in store for you...hold on to hope. Also, ridding yourself of the things of the world that you know bother you. That's my advice. I think a big question that people struggle with is whether or not you are fulfilling God's will for your life. Like my friends said, you can fulfill his will no matter where you are or what you're doing. I've asked myself this question numerous times since I developed a relationship with Christ. I believe that I have (had?) the eating disorder in order to help others and bring glory to God. I had never seen this in practice, though, until the other day. A girl who is a few years younger than I am and went to a different school than I did told me that she had struggled with an eating disorder around the time when I had first gone to the hospital as a high school junior. She said that I was he greatest inspiration because I fought the disease and I got better. She didn't know the slips I'd had since then, but she used me as her own inspiration to get better herself, and she has gotten better. There are no words to describe how fantastic this made me feel. More than that, it made me feel confident and assured of God using me and working in me. What I want you to take away from this whole post is that while we as human beings are flawed and we mess up, God still uses us. He doesn't have a set place or one set purpose for us, but He calls us to serve Him wherever we are doing whatever. To the glory of God, the only thing that I'm currently "struggling" with is my decision of where to go to school. I know that in the end, though, whichever choice I make will be the right one because God is with me and He has something planned for either route I choose.

Day Twenty-Eight: And In The End...

Day 28, here we are. The end of the road. The last hoo-rah. The final day of my 28 day challenge/project/research. I set out to follow a meal plan 100%. I endeavored to get out of an eating disorder. I set out on a quest to be my idea of "normal." So the question is...did I fulfill my quest? Did I make it to my goal? Am I "normal"?

Through my project, I've learned that I am able to do things that I set my mind to. I was never able to follow a meal plan because I didn't have the motivation to do so, but once I got it, I did it. I also learned that following a meal plan is hard and not very fun. I constantly thought about what I was going to eat next and how I would get all of my servings in. It changed my obsession with food from thinking about how badly I wanted it but not eating it out of fear, to obsessing over how to eat everything I needed to. I also learned that I may have OCD, or at least I have obsessive tendencies regarding food. I learned that I won't get "fat" by eating normal amounts of food, or simply eating the foods that I fear. Most importantly I learned a lot about myself, my abilities, and (most most importantly) my faith.

There were certain things that I liked and disliked about the project, obviously. Some things that I liked were getting to eat like a normal person, feeling motivated to follow the challenge, getting to experience some foods that I hadn't eaten in a long time, and I actually really enjoyed blogging. The things I disliked included the constant obsession over food, the times when I had to get a lot of servings in at the end of the day because I neglected to get them earlier in the day, and just thinking about how badly I wanted to be able to eat whatever I wanted to (a.k.a. intuitive eating).

In regards to the rules that I set for myself, I followed all of them! Now, I'm not going to act like I'm #perf, because I'm not. I don't think that I got all of my servings in all of the time like I thought/hoped I did, I obsessed over food (like no other), I felt a touch of guilt once or twice for what I ate, and I chewed gum every now and then (mainly to focus when I was driving). I only missed IOP one day because I had to go to Nashville for Fall break. Other than that, I did really well!

Now that the project is over, only a couple of questions remain: what exactly does it take to be "normal"? How much longer will it be until I honestly 100% eat intuitively? What is my metabolism doing? Will my eating disordered thoughts take over? Will I ever be "normal" again? Are my obsessive thoughts caused by
 malnutrition? Will I stop thinking about them once I'm nourished? Will I get the passions that I once had back? Will I get a longer attention span? And then just your average questions...what is the meaning of life?

Now that it's over, will I go on? Well, duh. Will I keep blogging? Probably, but not every day. I'm going to do something to celebrate my success with this challenge and the end of my blog, but I don't know when. I'll definitely take sweet pix and write about it. For now, though, I'm at my friend Janelyn's house with some of my other friends, so I'm going to wrap it up. After all, it's normal to have a sleepover and eat pizza and talk until 4 in the morning and watch movies with your friends. I don't want to be blogging all night; good grief.