Day Twenty-Seven: I Need A Longer Attention Span

I'm sitting in the library with my friends, Heather and Camille, trying to read books to research information for a paper I have to write. As my eyes go from word to word, my mind is thinking about doing other things. Some of it's food, some of it's just thinking of doing other things. What is it about reading that I just can't stay focused on? It's even a subject I have interest in. When I notice my mind wandering, I reprimand myself because I can't focus. The dialogue in my head goes something like, "why can't you focus? You need to focus! Are you not interested? Dude, you're reading about something that you want to make a career out of. You should be enveloped in this stuff." I wish I could be more interested, but I'm just not. Well, I'm also reading a book, and I have a hard time reading books unless they are really quite extraordinary...but I digress.

I've realized that I'm incredibly hard on myself. I really need to give myself more grace and compassion. I'm always talking down to myself because I haven't kicked this eating disorder after four years; because my relationship with God isn't where I would like it to be; because I constantly think about myself and my needs instead of others'; because I don't live up to my own expectations; because I obsess over eating so much; because I think about food more than God; because I don't have any relevant passions in my life because I'm always thinking about food; because I flake out on people; basically, because I'm not perfect. Just F.Y.I., I just had a revelation. I've been preaching for a couple of years now that "perfection" is unattainable, yet I haven't grasped that. I mean, I know that society's view of "perfection" is unrealistic, but I guess I never thought about how one's own view of "perfection" is equally unrealistic. Why is it so hard for human beings to just accept themselves and love themselves for the way that they are? The way God made them, imperfections and kinks and all?

Today in chapel, I had another revelation: God loves all of me, even with my food obsessed thoughts. I realized that I've been trying to make myself present to God without them, even though I constantly pray that He would take them away. I realized that I have them for a reason right now, and God still loves me. He wouldn't make me have them if He didn't know that they would end up alright and for the glory of His kingdom. He knows that they are competing with Him: that they take over where He should be. And yet, He doesn't take them away. Why? I wish that I knew. However, I'm relying on the fact that God knows what He's doing and I don't have to. I just have to follow where He calls me, and have faith that my current sufferings will be of some benefit. My life verse right now is 2 Corinthians 4:17-18..."For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." It's a good one, ay? 

So as far as my attention span goes, here we are blogging instead of reading. In all fairness, though, this blog does have to be done today, and my paper isn't due until next Thursday. I'll give myself that. In reality, I need to give myself more than that in so many aspects of my life. I'm so harsh on myself and that's probably a big reason that I haven;t gotten out of this food funk. If I showed myself the love that God is showing me, than I would probably be happier and better off. Although it's hard to accept the fact that I'm not everything that I'm supposed to be, I need to give up because I'm not strong enough (those are lyrics to a song, by the way). I need to surrender to God, which I think in turn will help me to surrender to myself. I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be me...obsessive food thoughts and all. 

Food Log: Thursday October 24, 2013:

Breakfast:
Power Protein bagel with blueberry cream cheese from Einstein Brothers 

Lunch:
Pizza bagl from Einstein Brothers (I've officially tried every bagel and cream cheese option that they offer at Einstein Brothers...hooray!) 

Dinner: 
Tuna salad; carrots; green beans; slice of provolone cheese; mushrooms; soy milk; pickle

Snack:
Naked

Snack: 
TBD

This is that song. Listen to it. Relate it to your life. DO IT. 

Day Twenty-Six: Obessing Over An Article

I think I might have OCD. My mom and my brother have it, so I'm guessing that there's a really good chance that I have it. I've never really thought about it until today; at least not until tonight. At IOP, we drew what we visualized our eating disorder's to look like, so mine was basically a cloudy fog with the word "food" inside over and over again, and it was looming over a brain (my mind) and a clock (my time). The art therapist threw out the word "obsessive", and I always knew that I had an obsession, but I never considered obessive  compulsive disorder. The fact that it runs in my genes also made me seriously consider it.

This is an article called "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as a Cause of Atypical Eating Disorder: A Case Report". "Objective: To describe a case of an atypical eating disorder with a diagnosis of obsessive-compulsive disorder and discuss the phenomenological and neurobiological aspects links between the disorders." To me, this says that the objective of the study is to see if there's a link between eating and obsessive compulsive disorders. "Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is characterised by the presence of either obsessions or compulsions. Available evidence in the literature suggests a continuum between eating disorders(ED), especially anorexia nervosa (AN) and obsessive compulsive disorders, the former being generally considered as the primary disease and the latter as comorbidity. Conversely, the OCD symptoms could interfere with eating habits and lead to a clinical presentation that resembles that of an eating disorder." POTENTIAL FOR MIND TO BE BLOWN. I have an obsession with food...duh. I think about food all of the time. If it's not worrying about what food will do to me or dreaming of eating it but then not out of fear (which was the reason in the past), or obessing over how and what I'll eat to meet my meal plan (the current situation), food is ALWAYS in my mind. I find it interesting that my eating habits could be influenced from having another disorder.

In the case study, it says "A 26-year-old Caucasian woman was referred to our Eating Disorders Unit for the assessment and treatment of severe weight loss considered as an ‘atypical eating disorder'. Family history revealed that her mother and a younger sister were treated with medication and psychotherapy for OCD. After 3 months of these new feeding habits she started to doubt the amounts and the quality of the prepared foods and to fear damaging her boyfriend’s health." While my obsession isn't about containation, I relate to this because 1.) I have an eating disorder 2.) I have family history of OCD, and they take meds for it 3.) After I started different eating habits on any kind of meal plan, even when I kind of started one as a freshman, the obsession with food took off.

"In this case report, OCD symptoms clearly preceded the reduction of food intake and were responsible for severe weight loss that closely mimicked AN. A continuum between ED and OCDs has already been described because of some clinical similarities and the prevalence of the comorbidity of both disorders. In addition, these disorders may share some common neurobiological and genetic features. Patients with AN appear to be compulsively obsessed with daily thoughts and behaviours about diet, weight and body image. Furthermore, patients with both EDs and OCD may display a specific cognitive style with dysfunctional thinking patterns like dichotomous thinking, selective abstraction and ‘fortune telling’. The development of obsessive-compulsive symptoms often observed in patients with ED, regardless of whether the behaviours are related to food, have been assumed to be caused or even exacerbated by malnutrition  However, studies comparing the personality and the presence of obsessive-compulsive symptoms before and after starvation has shown that, although those symptoms improve after treatment, patients still display high levels of obsessive-compulsive traits and symptoms after recovery." I'm not sure if I had obsessive thoughts and tendencies before my eating disorder or not. It would explain a lot if I did, and I imagine I did (or at least I hope that I did because it would give more of a reason for behind my eating disorder). I also find it interesting that a lot of my obsession could be caused by malnutrition. Hopefully as I continue to eat the way I'm supposed to, I'll get nourished and less obsessive. Fingers crossed.

I've never considered OCD. I've lived with it in regards to my family my entire life, but it really never crossed my mind. Well, I've always thought that I had "selective" OCD because there are things that I see that have to be a certain way, but there are other things I don't care about. Maybe I'll get tested to see if I have OCD. Maybe not. I think that I'll just wait a while and see if my eating habits change things. For now, I'll just keep eating and praying. That should get me somewhere.

Food Log: Wednesday October 23, 2013:

Breakfast:
Cinnamon-sugar bagel with honey butter

Lunch:
BBQ Tilapia; kale; squash; raw veggies; mixed fruit

Snack:
Protein bar; vanilla milk steamer

Dinner:
Tuna sub-sandwich from Subway; orange; milk

Snack:
Apple; hot chocolate

Snack:
TBD

Pierre Dechelotte, et al. "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder As A Cause Of Atypical Eating Disorder: A Case Report." European Eating Disorders Review 17.6 (2009): 444-447. Academic Search Complete. Web. 23 Oct. 2013.