What A Week

I feel like a lot has happened in the past week, but yet nothing has happened in the past week...weird. It was a very revealing, mind-opening, and realization-y sort of week. Well, I'll just write about my week day by day because something of some significance to my psyche happened each day...

Sunday:
Last Sunday, I woke up, walked down stairs, and drank a bottle of water with my dad on the couch as we watched "Petticoat Junction," trying to figure out what we were going to do. That Sunday, I told my parents that they could have another day where I would eat whatever they told me to. Mom had to work at Bob's that day, so Dave got to do the pickin' for most of the day. There was very little food in the house (and, believe me, if I'm saying that, our kitchen was American desolate), so we went out to eat. After driving around, not knowing where to go, we eventually decided on the Sparta downtown. We had been there before and enjoyed it, so we figured we'd go again. I had pretty much starved myself the day before because it was how I was coping with what I was about to do: that Sunday wasn't going to be just another day I gave my parents, but that Sunday was the day that I was going to give up control and start eating and getting better. The day before Sunday, though, as I ate nothing or anything of real sustenance, I told my parents that I had to do it because it was kind of like a "breaking up" with my eating disorder. I was about to do something I haven't ever done in my time of dealing with this, and that was surrendering control willingly; it was like I was saying goodbye to my eating disorder. Regardless of what it was, I basically starved myself on Saturday, leaving me ravenous on Sunday. My dad looked over the menu, trying to figure out what to order me. When the waitress asked for our order, dad did all of the ordering. First he gave his order, and then told her what I would be having: a veggie omelet (made with 4 eggs, American cheese, tomatoes, onions, squash, and zucchini), home fries, and rye toast with butter.. I demolished that food as soon as it came out, except for some of the home fries because they weren't crispy enough. As we left, I had a feeling of pride over the fact that I could eat that much food. When I eat, I eat. I'm actually pretty convinced that I could win some of those food challenges. I had that sense of pride for a good part of the day....until the guilt set in. I always feel guilt after I eat, so it wasn't anything that I wasn't used to. The only thing that kind of helped that day was the fact that I didn't choose to eat that food on my own accord, but I gave the control to my dad. None the less, there was a lot of guilt being felt. We went to my grandma's after that, and then home after that. I took a good nap when I got home. Later, Mom got home and we decided that we were going to go to Texas Roadhouse because my cousin was working that night. We invited my Papaw to celebrate his birthday, too, which was nice. We got there and saw two friends' from high school's parents, and talked to them for a few minutes until we were seated. We looked over the menu, and mom gave me options of what sounded better. I felt bad because I was interjecting things that I thought sounded good, when the point of that day was for my parents to have me eat what they (not I) wanted. My cousin came to take our order, and I left to go to the bathroom. I had to pee, but I also didn't want to know what my parents were going to order me until I got it. When I came back, I heard the remnants of my order, so I could decipher what I was getting.  Mom made me a roll with butter and  I ate it even though I'm not too big on them. Next came some salads, one of which I got. It was actually really good. A few minutes passed, and then came our food. I apparantly ordered the BBQ pork dinner (which was basically 4 lbs. of pulled pork with a side of applesauce and sad looking roll). When they brought it out, we all were kind of astounded at the amount of meat on the plate. My dad took some of it off, as it made me less anxious and they even thought that it was too much. I ate what was given to me and I enjoyed it. When we got home, the feelings of fullness set in and I felt it. I started burping (which is no different than usual), and mom started freaking out, thinking that she made me sick. And, honestly, I was kind of afraid too. I had heard of people dying from re-feeding syndrome, and while I didn't think that I had eaten enough to give way to death, I was afraid that I was going to get sick. Well, I may have been afraid that I had eaten too much and the guilt was talking. Mom and I then went to the grocery, where I listened to her freak out about me dying and it being her fault (I never should have brought up that re-feeding syndrome). We went home and watched TV, as I assured her every five minutes that I was okay and not dying. Around midnight, I had some buckeye frozen custard, and after that I felt horrible. Not physically, but mentally/emotionally. You see, mom had said earlier that I was going to have that custard, but after she realized that I could get sick, she didn't want to give it to me as much. But (despite my distaste for frozen custard and the whole "eating disorder" thing) I wanted it, so I reminded her of it. She hesitated, but gave me what she considered to be a "small bowl." I ate it, and it tasted good..but then I felt like poop for eating it. We went to bed, and I went to sleep feeling guilt for technically eating something that I wasn't forced to eat...

Basically an entire hog with some BBQ sauce and applesauce.

Buckeye frozen custard, elegantly sat on a TV tray.

The remnants of a veggie omelet, home fries, and rye toast.

Monday:
It was my first day to be "out of control" on my own at home while my parents were at work. Mom wrote me a note with what to eat that day. I woke up around 11, so I texted my parents and asked them if I should eat breakfast or lunch. As I waited for a response, I read a book for school, and I waited until noon to eat anything. I didn't really follow my parent's instructions, and that led to guilt. The day went on, I had one of my prescribed snacks, and then it was dinner time. This wasn't just any dinner, though. This was the dinner where I experienced my first, real anxiety attack. Over what, you ask? A taco. It wasn' necessarily the taco that got me, and I really don't remember what it was, but I freaked and didn't eat a lot because I was freaking out. That was one of the weirdest experiences that I've ever had, and it was made worse because I had never experienced one, so I didn't know how to handle it.

Tuesday:
I went to class beginning at 8, drank coffee like I usually did, and then had some yogurt and an egg at a later point in the day. I left after my 12:45-2:05 class to pick up mom because we decided to take a quick jaunt down to Tennessee to get my stuff from school. I drove most of the way, until I had to pee so mom and I switched. She got Subway sub-sandwiches on her way to work so we wouldn't have to stop on the road. I ate the veggie sub she got, and took a little nap. We got to Cleveland around 10, and started packing the car. We hung out with some of my friends in the lounge until they went to bed, and we slept in the lounge.  As we laid on the couches trying to get to sleep, I asked mom if she would help me eat the next day, and she agreed.

Wednesday:
We woke up around 7, got ready, had my room check at 9, and then stopped at Einstein Brothers. I had to get my last coffee (delicious as always), and mom get a cinnamon sugar bagel with honey butter which she's been raving about since. She suggested things for me to get but I said no. We hit the road, and she asked me as kindly as possible to eat something. I started getting very anxious and I couldn't. As mom drived, I tried to read for school. It took me two hours to read 5 small pages because I couldn't focus; I was so anxious. Around 1, I was finally hungry enough to eat, so I had mom tell me what to eat because I couldn't/didn't want to decide. We kept on driving, and when we reached the Cincinatti area, I had to pee and mom wanted me to drive. We were passing the Great Wolf Lodge, so she decided to stop there for a "potty break." It was awesome, the whole 10 minutes we were there! It made me want to stay so so bad. BUT reality checked in and we had to get back to good ol' Nerk. We left, and got home around 6. The rest of the night was chill, and that was fine because I was tried of driving.

Thursday:
I went to school at 8, and after my first class, I felt hungry so I texted my parents about what to eat. Since they aren't the same person, they told me different things which stressed me out, so I decided to wait and see what they said later. I got to my 11:10 class, and decided to have an Ensure that I brought, despite my parents telling me other things to have. I texted them to ask if it were okay if I had that, and they told me to have it. For some reason, it made me feel less anxious to drink than eat. I enjoyed it as it went down...and then the guilt kicked in. 1. I felt like I had wasted food that could go bad 2. I started freaking about calories. I felt guilty for not listening to my parents the rest of the day, and I became very depressed about it. I went to the rest of my classes, and began to feel overwhelmed by the work. Dad picked me up at the end of the day, and I was in a horrible mood. We went to the store and he listened as I talked about how I don't know what I'm doing with my life. When we got home, I had a miniscule dinner that I made because it was the way that I chose to deal with my feelings.

Friday:
I went out for coffee with my friend, Jamieson. It was a lot of fun. I love that girl! She's such a great human being, let me tell you. After that, I got home and decided that it was lunch time (especially since I had been up since 8 and hadn't eaten anything). I ate, and didn't feel anxious or guilty. The rest of the day went on, I had an apple, and then took Christian to get his hairs cut. I tried to read again for school, and got very little accomplished (to no one's surprise). Later that night, mom came home and made this artichoke heart and chicken pasta for dinner. It was really good and I didn't feel anxious about it. We watched an episode of "Downton Abbey" and had a lovely family night (without Christian, who went to a friend's).

Saturday:
Mom had to do something that morning, so she asked me to work for her at Bob Evans until she was done. I agreed and went in at 6 (5 a.m. is too early to wake up). The first couple of hours were fine because it was so slow; and then the tsunami of people began. It got packed! Food wasn't coming out quick enough and people were NOT happy. I was supposed to leave at 11 when my mom got there, but they were so busy and they made me stay. I eventually got really overwhelmed and stressed out. Mom noticed (as she was working now as well), and wanted me to leave immediately because she knew I was getting overwhelmed and I was about to have an anxiety attack. I eventually got cut around 2, and I bolted to get out of there to dad's car. We dropped Christian off at home, and then dad took me to Tim Horton's for coffee. OH! SIDENOTE: I found out in my Psychology class that people with anxiety disorders shouldn't drink caffeine, so now I'm on decaf... But I do love coffee, so I'll take that decaf. It was really nice to spend time with my dad doing something little like that. We got home, and I sat on top of my oven and ate some carrots and lettuce. Around 5:30, mom came home and we got ready to go to church. We picked Christian up from one of his friend's house, and had the pleasure of listening to him complain about having to go to church. After the service, we went out for pizza. We watched "Iron Man 3" back at home, I had a snack, and then went to bed.

Sunday:
I woke up around 10, having had a great night's rest. I ate breakfast with dad, and then decided to nap. So I just napped all day. I tried three times to do some sort of school work, and (of course) didn't get too much accomplished. So then I just napped again. We met my mom at the movie theater at 3:30 and saw "Lone Survivor." It was a really good movie, but I felt bad because I spent most of the movie thinking about how hungry I was. After the movie, we went home, and mom made dinner. I tried not to interject my opinions about food so that she could just make a meal without me being in control, but I did just a little bit. We ended up having chicken and cheese enchiladas with corn, and they were good. After that we went to the grocery, came home, I took a shower, put on my footie pajamas, and here we are now, getting sick of typing and wishing that I had taken a different route to writing this...

So what did I learn this week? My anxiety is increasing MAJORLY. I think a lot of it has to do with my giving up (or attempt at giving up) control. I learned that  I don't know if I can handle school right now with the way mindset is. I have no motivation or inclination to do school work, and the thought of it stresses me out. I'm almost positive that once I start feeding myself what I need, I will have more motivation and energy and will be fine with my school work, but right now it's so hard. I learned that along with anxiety, my OCD is starting to really come out. I realized that I'm too anxious to eat, but then I feel bad about wasting food and money and I obsess over that...it's a double-edged sword. I'm really struggling right now because I have absolutely NO idea what God wants me to do with my life or where I'm going. It's starting to really get me down. Still, I have faith that God is working in me, and there is a greater good coming out of all of it. I want more out of life, and I believe that God will use my quench for life to bring Him glory. So while everything in my life seems kind of stinky right now, I still place my hope and faith in God. I'm having a hard time trusting Him, but I'm trying. I know that God loves me, and I know that I love Him. Just like Rick Astley, I know that God is "never gonna give me up, never gonna let me down, never gonna run around and desert me."

You Wouldn't Even Recognize Me Anymore...

It's been, what? Two months since I last wrote? Sorry (to the, like, 4 people who follow me). There's been quite a bit going on. SO I decided that I would write about the relevant things because YOLO!

When we last left off, it was Thanksgiving and I had just started to eat meat again. Since then, things have changed...welcome to life, right?

For starters, I don't know how or why it happened, but the couple weeks leading up to Christmas break (the same time as Thanksgiving) I developed really bad anxiety. I don't know why, but I was super anxious. I was ready to leave Lee and go home for break, and I didn't want to wait. I was so stinking bored ALL of the time and I was just ready to be home, doing things with my friends. I also think that eating meat made me INCREDIBLY anxious because I hadn't done it in so long, and (I know, this sounds really dumb) I just didn't know how to eat meat. I decided when I returned from my friend's house over Thanksgiving that I would return to my pescetarian lifestyle, and only eat meat when I traveled and didn't want to be rude to the host home where I was staying. That would have been all good and well, but the anxiety remained even when I decided to not eat meat again. For some reason that I cannot for the life of me figure out, I decided that I was just going to not eat anything close to what "normal" or "semi-normal" eating is. For example, I would force myself to sleep in so that I didn't have to eat breakfast, and then some days I would go to Zumba because it gave me something to do and prolonged the amount of time that I wouldn't have to eat (but, honestly, I do like Zumba. I'd like to be an instructor when I'm in a better mindset/condition), and then I would eat lunch and dinner (which weren't by any means "adequate"), and then have a snack before I went to bed. Now, for some reason, I never fail to have a bedtime snack; it's comforting to me. As of late, I feel like I binge a lot during that time 1. because i hadn't eaten anything all day 2. because I was trying to make myself fuller so I wouldn't be as hungry in the morning (which doesn't work to well, btw). I also started losing my appetite because I was too anxious to eat, so that helped my little scheme. I began to feel quite depressed because I hated the lifestyle I was living, I hated being at school and bored every waking moment of the day, and I just didn't know what I was doing in my life. Worst of all, my relationship with God was no where near where I wanted it to be (which is my fault). I knew he was there and working in my life, but I couldn't see it or feel it (which sucks and makes having faith a lot harder, but you've gotta do what ya gotta do.)

The week before exams, I started packing my car because I didn't want to wait and I just wanted the time to go to be there. I dyed my hair dark, and I love it (except it has a reddish tint that I'm not crazy about). It's funny because when I have dark hair, I don't look adopted and I look like my family (they all have dark hair). When Exams came around, I only had to take one because I was exempt from my other one (I didn't have a very challenging semester by any means...). I was set to come home on a Tuesday, but since I finished my one exam at 10:45, I decided that I had no inclination to stay longer than I had to. I decided that I would surprise my parents and show up on Monday instead of Tuesday. So, that Monday, I got everything in my car, used as many meals as I could so they didn't go to waste, said my goodbyes, got my coffee, took my exam (which I pretty much buzzed through because I wasn't sure about half of the answers and I wanted to get out), went to Dunkin Donuts to get my mom some donuts and use the remainder of flex that I had, and then I hit the road. I left Cleveland around 10:45ish and got into Newark around 7. Before I came in my house, I called my parents, as I do every night, and talked to them like normal. They were freaking out and giving me instructions on how to drive the following day because the weather was supposed to be bad. I muted my phone, knocked on my door, and my mom answered. She said that she almost didn't let me in because she thought that I was either a stranger or one of my best friend's who lives across the street (so why she wouldn't let her in anyway, I have no idea). When she realized it was me, I was granted entry, and I approached my dad who was screaming into his phone, thinking that he lost the connection with me. As he shouted, "ZOE! ZOE!" I responded, right next to his side, with "WHAT!" He looked up and the only thing that he said was "Oh...hi." Apparently he thought I was one of momma's friends. That night, I got a pizza from my favorite Newark pizzeria (Debra's...#nomnomnom), and my family and I all just sat in my living room watching TV on the new couch they had just bought (it's a nice one, too). I was SO happy to be home. More so, I was super excited because I thought that I would start eating normally again. Yeah...eating disorders don't usually work like that...

Me with muh new hairs

Over break, I started working at the one, the only...Bob Evans. Not just Bob Evans, but THE Bob Evans that my mom has worked at for years. It's almost a family business, I am not even kidding. Believe it or not, after spending years being vehemently anti-Bob's, I actually really like my job! Weirder, I'm not as repulsed by the food that they make... I actually kind of like it...woah. I worked mostly mornings, which gave me the perfect excuse to go continue with my habit of consuming nothing but coffee until later in the day. Basically, my schedule was like this on the days that I worked: Wake up, drink coffee, work until around 2 or 3, eat yogurt, sit around, eat dinner, sit next to the fireplace (SIDE NOTE: THAT IS THE MOST GLORIOUS THING), drink copious amounts of diet soda to suppress my hunger, sit some more and watch TV with my family, eat what I would consider a "binge", go to sleep. On days that I didn't work, I typically forced myself to sleep in so that I didn't have to eat, and then I would try and find something to do with my friends. I made this entire list of things that I wanted to do and people I wanted to see over break, so I was pretty determined to get them done, and I did actually do a great deal of them. I love my friends back at home! They are great and understanding. I feel like I got a lot closer to someone whom I've considered to be a best friend since, like, 8th grade, but we never really hung out or talked that much in high school. We only hung out 4 times tops, and not getting to hang out with her became one of the biggest reasons that I was sad to have to go back to school.

Christmas came and it was not very good, to be quite honest. I really don't like to holidays. Why? Food. I see all of the delicious treats that accompany Christmas, remember enjoying them so much as a child, and then I don't eat them. If I do, then I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and I sometimes eat too much of it, and those are both things I don't want to happen. This year, though, I think that I had a grand total of one large Christmas cookie, and maybe 4 pieces of candy all together. I didn't binge or feel guilt, but I still didn't allow myself to eat as much as I should have. On Christmas day, I was not pleasant at all because I...well, I don't know why exactly; I suppose just the food thing. I was mean to my mom (which I still feel horrible about) and I just sat around all day. A big reason for my unpleasantness was because we had cinnamon rolls for breakfast. "That should make you happy, not unhappy!" Right? But no. I felt obligated to eat them because I asked for them (because we used to eat them every Christmas morning growing up). I had it set in my mind that I was going to eat them for almost two weeks, and I wasn't going to not. I had planned out what I would consume the rest of the day and I wasn't going to stray from that. I ate a cinnamon roll with my family at breakfast, drinking coffee (mocha flavored Kahlua coffee is horrendous, by the way. Like, Dunkin Donuts has better coffee...and that says a lot.), drank two cans of soda at my cousins' house, got stir-fried shrimp and vegetables at the Chinese restaurant that I hate but we go to every year for Christmas, and then had a frozen protein shake or something like that for snackage. And the biggest Christmas miracle? I felt tremendously guilty after! Shocking... The day eventually ended and the next few days were fine. Then came New Years Eve. I decided that I didn't want interaction with humans of any sort, so I stayed at home and sat on the couch with my parents. Dad watched something on TV, mom slept, and I played on my laptop. And you know what? I was perfectly happy with that. We turned on the New Years rockin' eve, or whatever that is, about 2 minutes prior to midnight, watched the ball drop, and then I promptly went to bed. New Years day, believe it or don't was actually really great! I woke up around 8 because I had to work (another reason why I didn't really want to do anything the night before), had my daily "breakfast" of coffee, had a great day at work, and then mom picked me up and brought me home to discuss our plans for the evening. We have a tradition of going to Columbus to see a movie (typically in IMAX) every year on New Year's, so we went to see "The Hobbit." Before that, we went out to dinner. Talk about the dream life: not only did I get to spend my entire New Year's day working at Bob Evans, but I even got to eat there! Actually, I was happy with that because it sounded good, we get an employee discount, and I didn't regret what I ate. We then saw the movie (WHICH WAS AWESOME), went home, and sat together in the living room. I'm really happy because it was a good day with no guilt and little anxiety that I got to share with my family.

Oh, Lee. How you were on my mind over break. I spent my entire break dreading the thought of going back to Lee. It's not that I missed home, it's that Cleveland is the most boring place I have ever endured and I couldn't stand the thought of returning to that level of boredom/inactivity/nothingness. I looked up schools to transfer to, went on two visits to OSU, and filled out different applications for transferring in the 2014 fall semester. I planned on going back to Lee, despite my dread, to give it another try. In all fairness, I think a lot of why I was so bored was because I wasn't as involved as I wanted to be, and I only took 12 credit hours of dull, non-mentally stimulating courses. I give it that. But, I struggled a lot over break as to whether or not to return next semester at all. I figured I could maybe take classes at OSU-Newark (despite my best wishes) this semester and then transfer to main campus next year. I texted my friends back at Lee from time to time when I was really thinking about how much I would hate going back. One of those friends (who also had a hard time deciding whether or not to stay at Lee her first semester) decided that she wasn't going to back next semester. I was so jealous of the fact that I had to go back and she didn't. I texted her about it, and she really helped me get a better mind set about making my decision because I really was struggling with it.

The day after I texted my friend, the "polar vortex" hit. Funny story: our furnace began acting up and our power was going in and out on the coldest night of the millennium...lawlz. Anyway, my mom took that Monday off because of the bad weather conditions. For Christmas, I had given her a coupon that enabled her to have me eat anything that she wanted me to. She's always telling me about how she wished that I would eat certain things, so I figured I could give her one day to fulfill those wishes and one day without me being in control. For lunch, we went to the Village Coffee House in Granville, and shared a plain bagel (like, plain? Really mom?) with cream cheese, a veggie wrap, harvest grain and mushroom soup, and a buckeye latte and white chocolate mocha. I ate/drank this stuff because it was part of the deal, but I felt guilty 1. because I felt that it was a ton of food 2. it wasn't what I would consider a "balanced" meal 3. I didn't enjoy the taste of anything besides the soup too much 4. she didn't know that when I said I would eat anything she wanted me to, I literally meant ANYTHING (meat included). So she kind of wished that we had done something different, but we ended up talking to the employees and having a good time. For dinner, we went to Hot Head burritos, and she had my dad make mine for me: a full size burrito with brown rice, black beans, cheese, lettuce, corn, pico de gallo, and guacamole. It was okay, but it wasn't something I'd get again. Mom had me try her's too, which had pork, rice, cheese, lettuce, and sour cream; I liked hers way more than mine, but I also used to enjoy getting a burrito with rice, cheese and sour cream when I went to Chipotle back in the day (I got that order for $1.60 once, thank you very much). Later that night, we both had the new "Ron Burgundy/Anchorman" inspired Ben&Jerry's ice cream (butterscotch on butterscotch...mmm) and a piece of chocolate bread from Bob Evans (I don't know why they call their breads "bread." They are all cake, if we're being honest with ourselves). I sat next to the fire as a I enjoyed my ice cream and "bread" and it was a good. As I laid in bed later, the eating disorder part of me felt guilty, but the me part of me was satisfied, enjoyed my day, and was happy that I wasn't in control and could just let myself eat with no reservations.

So here we are, 4 days later, and quite a bit has happened. On Tuesday, I picked my dad up from work. As we drove, I talked to him about how I felt guilty about the previous day, how I didn't know what to do with my life, how I didn't want to go back to school, and just venting my feelings of depression and distress. Later that night, we were watching "Sherlock", but I was thinking too much to really engage in the show. I thought. I thought for a good while; I then made a decision. I can't do this on my own. I can't. My eating disorder has hit me, and it's hit me hard. I know that if I keep up with the way things are, I'm going to die. I know that if I go back to Lee, I'm going to continue with the way things are now and I wouldn't be able to get the help that I need, and I'm going to die. The day prior, I gave up control. When I'm in control, I'M not in control, but my eating disorder is. I can't do it anymore; I don't want to do it anymore. Because I never eat and fuel myself, I never have energy and I've become incredibly bitter, selfish, and moody; I hate it. I want to live my life serving God and I want to help people. I hate that I'm always so wrapped up in myself because I'm too tired or focused on food to care about others or my relationship with God. Throughout this break, I've prayed (not often, I'd like to add) that God would show his will for me and my life, especially regarding college. As I sat in my family room on Tuesday night thinking, I made a decision and I believe that God revealed it to me.

What is this big God-revealed decision, you ask?

I have decided that I will not be returning to Lee University in Cleveland, Tennessee for the Spring 2014 semester. I have decided to enroll in classes at the Ohio State University-Newark campus, while staying at home with my family so that they can take care of me. I'm going to start going to outpatient treatment like I used to go to at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus. And you know what? I am so excited and couldn't be happier with the decision that I've made. My parents will be in control of my food (making my meals, choosing what I'll eat when we go out, helping me make decisions about food when I have to, etc.), so that I can be in control in things that are actually important in my life like my school work, my friendships, helping others in anyway that I can, and building up my relationship with God. When I made my decision on Tuesday night, I prayed that if my decision was God's will then to let doors be open so that it would be done, and they were. On Wednesday, I was scheduled to work at Bob Evans, but mom called OSU-N (who's first day of classes were that same day because the "polar vortex" caused them to cancel the two days prior), talked to a lady who said it would be impossible for me to enroll, was transferred to someone else who said that he could do it, and then she called to tell me that I needed to go to the campus down the street to enroll. I called off of work, met with the man (who is an absolute angel) that mom spoke with, signed some papers, took a math placement test, and scheduled my classes for the semester. Thus, I became a buckeye and I had my first day of classes yesterday. Oh yeah...doors swung.

Now, I'm going to go to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, work on other days, go to treatment, and just start to live. I'm sure it will be hard, but I know that this is best for me. I have the support and help of my family, my friends, and God. I'm so excited to start eating and getting healthy again, getting back on my feet. It's amazing how one's ideals change over time: I've always looked at people who went to OSU-Newark as failures, drop-outs, or people without high ambition or goals in life. Now, I realize that it is just as good of a school as any of them out there, and is really smart in regards to finances. By no means do I want to stay in Newark the rest of my life, but for now I'm content. I want to transfer to OSU-Main Campus in Columbus, but for now, I want to really focus on getting better. Lee is a great school, and I'm happy for people who can find happiness there; I could not. I'll miss the showers, the coffee at Einstein Brothers, and the friends that I made and love. However, I believe that God is calling me to something else, and I'm going to try and follow that call as best as I can. I don't know why I was brought to Lee, just to be hospitalized in September, just to go back to Tennessee and go to treatment, just to hating my life down there, just to coming home...I can't figure it out, and that's okay. I'm putting my trust in God and believing that this is all happening for a reason.