So Much For 4 Weeks

GOOD NEWS: My 4 weeks of treatment in the PHP program are over! BAD NEWS: My 4 weeks of treatment in the PHP program ended last Saturday, yet I am still in treatment in the PHP program. Yes, I'm still in treatment. As I sat in one of the rooms where we spend most of our time here last Monday, I saw my therapist, doctor, psychiatrist, and dietician walking down the hall with intent to my therapist's office. When I saw this, I automatically thought, "Oh crap. This has to do with me." Moments later, my therapist came to me, and asked if I could come with her. I swear I'm a friggin' psychic. I sat down, nearly snuggling in the small office, with the members of  my treatment team, as they told me that my BMI wasn't where it needs to be for me to move on to a lower level of treatment that usually comes following the 4 weeks in the PHP program. They then told me that I would be in treatment longer, but how much longer they did not know, and that would be determined on a week by week basis. I left the room feeling very emotional, yet very unsurprised and very uncaring about everything. Every weekend that I 've been in this treatment, I've lost weight over the weekend. Mind you, it is always miniscule amounts, but it's still a trend that isn't supposed to be happening. I don't really know why it happens exactly. Well, I kind of do...I usually don't get all of my exchanges in and I do some sort of physical activity that I don't always do on the weekdays while I'm in treatment. Still, I usually only miss one or two exchanges, and the "physical activity" I do includes hanging pictures on my wall or walking up the stairs to get to the bathroom or my room; so it's not like I'm doing anything drastic. I am amazed, though, at the fact that with all of the food I'm eating and little activity I do I can lose weight, while there are people who work out and eat very little and hardly lose an ounce. I'm in a state of "hypermetabolism" (I've discussed this in a previous post), which means my metabolism is so high it just burns up everything it takes in quickly. I'm on a higher meal plan because of it. And I am scared to stray from my meal plan. The way I see it is I'm already eating so much food, why should I eat more than that? I'm scared to eat more than my meal plan says, in short. You would think that in this metabolic state I would feel like I can eat whatever I want with no fear because my body will just burn it up; but sadly no. Also, being on a higher meal plan has its pros and cons. Pros are that I'm excited that I get to eat so much (which sounds dumb as I write it out). Cons are that it makes it very difficult and stressful to get everything in when I'm at home. My psychiatrist increased the dose of the anxiety medication I'm on last week. It's supposed to make me less anxious about food, eating, and my parents being in control of my food. I've noticed the medicine has made me more willing to give up control to my parents, but I'm still very hesitant to do so. Giving up control to my parents has been the biggest struggle in this whole process so far. Within the five weeks of treatment, I really haven't done as I'm supposed to and given up complete control. It's very dificult for me to do. See, I trust my parents with everything...except food/portions/etc.. They don't know enough about it or what "normal" eating looks like for me to be able to give them complete trust and control, so that's where my problem lies. I really am trying to give up control, it's just a very hard battle. While the control battle is proving to be one of my greatest challenges, so is the whole battle of recovery. I've learned that through the re-feeding process (which is what I'm currently going through) there is a great deal of anxiety and depression that occurs within the patient; oh, is that the truth. Anxiety in that I'm anxious about trusting my parents with food or what I eat. Depression over still being here, not being in school, not having anything to look forward to, and just general feelings of depression. But the thig is, I don't feel depressed; I honestly feel happy, but I feel like a cloud of depression is covering that happiness. A lot of it stems from not having anything to look forward to (since I'm not in school, and even when I go back to school, I'm only going across the street to the branch), but when I put that into perspective, I only have like two months before I can start Summer classes and working again. Right now, it just feels like the whole recovery thing sucks. It's so hard and frustrating. Between the meal plan and not knowing when I'll be done with treatment, I'm so stinkin' frustrated and stressed out. On top of all that, my clothes are starting to get tighter, and my stomach is starting to stick out. Believe it or not, that doesn't bother me as much as one would think because I know it's part of the re-feeding process (also discussed in a prior post). All of the weight initially gained in the process accumulates in the stomach because it wants to protect the vital organs, but it will eventually re-distribute to the rest of the body as long as you continue to eat normally. I'm really really REALLY hoping this proves to be true because right now I feel like I look pregnant. In the past five weeks, I've been through a plethora of emotions. I go from depressed, sad, hopeless, happy, excited, disappointed, cheerful, annoyed, frustrated, overwhelmed, stressed, scared, and pretty much every emotion under the sun. I've been in states of "woe is me" to being helpful and offering insight to others. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be in treatment, and that's frustrating. I don't know how much longer I'll have to deal with the eating disorder, which is more frustrating. I'm still trusting that this is all happening for a reason, God is using it for a greater good, and God knows what he's doing with all of this. I feel very indifferent and uncaring about staying in treatment longer because I feel like it must be what I need and it is God's will. I'm done trying to figure out God's will for my life, and I'm done trying to fight it to try and have my will be done instead of His. I've adopted a sort of "go with the flow" sort of attitude. I still struggle, and I still fight for control. The difference now, though, is that I know when to put my guard down and give into what is best for me. Hopefully, that's what I'm supposed to do, and that's what will get me through this disease.