One Week Later

It's been a little over one week (I say a little over because it's one hour and 27 minutes past midnight) since my challenge ended. Here's how things have been going...
Not too hot. I haven't been following my meal plan to a tee anymore. Actually, I haven't really been following it at all. I've been trying to eat intuitively, but I've realized that I can't do that effectively or normally yet. I haven't been eating as much as I know I should be. I take into account the different food groups that I need, but I eat what I think sounds good. However, I've realized that my fears and preoccupations with food and certain food groups re-surface when I'm not following the meal plan. For example, if I have a bagel for breakfast, I'll be timid to eat carbs the rest of the day even though I technically need at least 6 more grain servings. I've been more relaxed with fruits and vegetables, as those are fairly low-calorie foods, and I do love them the most (at least, I think it's me who loves them and not my eating disorder...). I'm still planning my eating plans for each day ahead of time (which is still really annoying and makes me hate my life a little bit), but I do it differently than I did when I was following my meal plan. I think about what I'm going to eat, but not how I'm going to get all of my servings in. For the past two days, I've been trying to get back on track, but it hasn't been going too hot. I'll try again tomorrow, but the way my mind is working right now, it doesn't seem too likely; hopefully I'm wrong and I can beat my eating disordered thoughts. Welcome to the never-ending battle with an eating disorder.

The weather on November 1 in Cleveland, TN (HALLELUJAH! It was beautiful!)

Today was a good day, even though my eating wasn't too hot. I woke up at 2:30 to take my friend, Camille, to the airport with my other friend Ruth. We got back around 5 and went back to bed. I woke up around 9:30 to get ready to go to an academic advising session with my advisor at 10:30. I got dressed and ready, read my Bible and daily devotion, and debated whether or not to have a Boost or Balance bar...I went with the Balance bar. After sitting in my advisor's office for half an hour, he didn't show up, so I re-scheduled for noon, and went to my Mission of the Church Class at 11. I returned to his office at 12, waited for 45 minutes, and then left. HOWEVER, I met him as I was leaving and he apologized for making me wait. We then went on to have my advising session, and I went on my way. Oh, I also switched my major this week from Intercultural Studies to Anthropology. I don't know what I'm going to do yet; all I know is that I want to travel, do something with and to help people, and something to further God's kingdom. I also think that I might want to do something dealing with body image because I've formed a bit of a passion for it the past couple of years, but I'm not sure what I could do with that. Anyway, I LOVE MY NEW ADVISOR! He's awesome (even though he made me wait a little bit. But that's okay because I had good ol' Candy Crush to keep me occupied). After my advising session, I returned to my dorm, read for my Global Perspectives seminar quiz, ate some carrots, and then went to withdraw from a class. I then went to check my mail and then I went to my Global Perspectives Class. After that, I went to my true home...you guessed it...Starbucks. I went with my friends Ruth, Heather, Lori, and Melissa. We took homework and study stuff to keep budy and make it a productive trip. I got a venti mocha light frappucino, and I got it FOR FREE because I had a freebie reward! BOOM! I talked to the supervisor about the application that I turned in a week ago, she took my name and availability, and now we play the waiting game...fingers crossed. We stayed at Starbucks for nearly 2 hours (it was beautiful), and I got a good deal of a paper done.

Being a hipster, working on a laptop with my coffee beverage, at Starbucks.

My second beverage at Starbucks...I'm not addicted...

We returned to campus around 6ish, and went to dinner. Good food night at the dining hall, as I had lemon dill cod, steamed broccoli and carrots, and mixed fruit. And a couple bites of a peanut butter cookie. After dinner, we went to Melissa's room (she lives in a different, suite-style dorm), and had a movie party. It was fun. Melissa had a big box of candy and goodies that her family sent her for her birthday and she let us have whatever we wanted out of it. I had some fruit snacks, gum, and a cosmic brownie. Now, I was timid to have the brownie because I was a little afraid of it, I didn't know if I really wanted it, and because I'm a weirdo. I decided just to eat it, though, because I'm a college kid with my friends who are eating whatever they want without thinking about it and enjoying it. And you know what? I enjoyed it, and that's all that matters. We watched "Cabin In The Woods" which was really dumb, and "Side Effects" which was alright. We left around midnight to return to the dorm. My friends went to sleep, and I sat down to finish the paper that I worked on at Starbucks. I called my mom and talked to her for about 19 minutes, put "Blue's Clues" on Amazon Prime (nothing else sounded good...), and here we are now....

So, to wrap it up: I haven't been following my meal plan which is proving to be an issue. So what am I going to do you ask? I'm going to get back into the habit of it. Through my research during the project, I learned that it takes 6-12 months minimum to recover from food-obsessed thoughts, as long as you keep up with re-nourishing your body (which is what the meal plan does). Since I LOATHE this stupid food obsession, I have no choice but to do this meal plan. While I'm not going to stress out about making sure that I follow it 100%, I am at least going to follow it as best as I can throughout the day. I'm also going to keep enjoying Starbucks. And hopefully I'll get a job there. And I'll keep doing "normal" college kid stuff, like watching movies with my friends and eating Little Debbies just because. And I'll work on papers that aren't due for another week at one in the morning. And I'll watch "Blue's Clue's" and "Spongebob," gosh darn it. As they say, "YOLO."

Day Twenty-Eight: And In The End...

Day 28, here we are. The end of the road. The last hoo-rah. The final day of my 28 day challenge/project/research. I set out to follow a meal plan 100%. I endeavored to get out of an eating disorder. I set out on a quest to be my idea of "normal." So the question is...did I fulfill my quest? Did I make it to my goal? Am I "normal"?

Through my project, I've learned that I am able to do things that I set my mind to. I was never able to follow a meal plan because I didn't have the motivation to do so, but once I got it, I did it. I also learned that following a meal plan is hard and not very fun. I constantly thought about what I was going to eat next and how I would get all of my servings in. It changed my obsession with food from thinking about how badly I wanted it but not eating it out of fear, to obsessing over how to eat everything I needed to. I also learned that I may have OCD, or at least I have obsessive tendencies regarding food. I learned that I won't get "fat" by eating normal amounts of food, or simply eating the foods that I fear. Most importantly I learned a lot about myself, my abilities, and (most most importantly) my faith.

There were certain things that I liked and disliked about the project, obviously. Some things that I liked were getting to eat like a normal person, feeling motivated to follow the challenge, getting to experience some foods that I hadn't eaten in a long time, and I actually really enjoyed blogging. The things I disliked included the constant obsession over food, the times when I had to get a lot of servings in at the end of the day because I neglected to get them earlier in the day, and just thinking about how badly I wanted to be able to eat whatever I wanted to (a.k.a. intuitive eating).

In regards to the rules that I set for myself, I followed all of them! Now, I'm not going to act like I'm #perf, because I'm not. I don't think that I got all of my servings in all of the time like I thought/hoped I did, I obsessed over food (like no other), I felt a touch of guilt once or twice for what I ate, and I chewed gum every now and then (mainly to focus when I was driving). I only missed IOP one day because I had to go to Nashville for Fall break. Other than that, I did really well!

Now that the project is over, only a couple of questions remain: what exactly does it take to be "normal"? How much longer will it be until I honestly 100% eat intuitively? What is my metabolism doing? Will my eating disordered thoughts take over? Will I ever be "normal" again? Are my obsessive thoughts caused by
 malnutrition? Will I stop thinking about them once I'm nourished? Will I get the passions that I once had back? Will I get a longer attention span? And then just your average questions...what is the meaning of life?

Now that it's over, will I go on? Well, duh. Will I keep blogging? Probably, but not every day. I'm going to do something to celebrate my success with this challenge and the end of my blog, but I don't know when. I'll definitely take sweet pix and write about it. For now, though, I'm at my friend Janelyn's house with some of my other friends, so I'm going to wrap it up. After all, it's normal to have a sleepover and eat pizza and talk until 4 in the morning and watch movies with your friends. I don't want to be blogging all night; good grief.

Day Twenty-Four: Fear Foods

I love ice cream. One of my favorite dinners is ice cream. I don't care if it's not technically a "meal", there is nothing more fun than ice cream for dinner (except for maybe cereal for dinner...and a great deal of other things). Although I love it so, I also fear it. Well, I fear what it will do to me (a.k.a. make me fat). I hardly ever eat it, and when I do, I usually plan it in advance. Like, I'll plan what I eat the rest of the day and what I do that day if I know that I'm going to have ice cream. That's the way I am with any food that I'm "scared" of. Again, it's not the foods themselves, but what I fear they will do to my body. I've mentioned these foods in a previous post, but to refresh, these foods are desserts, ice cream, candy, cheese, and pretty much any type of grain carbohydrate.

While on this challenge, I planned to eat foods that challenged me. I decided that I would eat the foods that I am "scared" of because, well, why not? So for the past week on different days, I've had different foods that I typically don't eat because I'm scared of them.

One day, I had my first Dunkin Donut. It was pumpkin; it was average. Just a doughnut, nothing special.

A pumpkin doughnut from Dunkin Donuts and a cup of milk.

Me eating a pumpkin doughnut.

On Saturday, I went to the farmers market with my cousins and got a blueberry pancake doughnut, and it was tasty. It was a local, homemade-sort of doughnut, not the freshly fried-from-frozen kind you get from Dunkin. I would definetly get another one.

A blueberry pancake doughnut and hot apple cider.

Tonight, I had my first milkshake from Chik-Fil-A. I got vanilla (because that is my favorite flavor), and it was pretty tasty. Not only did I get a milkshake, but I got a milkshake WITH WHIPPED CREAM. I would usually NEVER do that, but I'm living dangerously with my foods, so I just went for it...and I enjoyed it.

A vanilla milkshake from Chik-Fil-A.

Me drinking a Chik-Fil-A milkshake.

Any time after I eat the foods that I'm "scared" of, I always wonder what I was so afraid of. It usually doesn't live up to the expectations that I had for it, and then I feel the exact same after I have it. It's not like I gain 59 pounds after I eat those foods (it takes 3,500 calories in addition to one's daily caloric needs to gain a single pound, by the way). There are no such things as "good" or "bad" foods. Food is food. I know this, but I have a hard time believing it. The human body can't tell a difference between food (it does the same thing with an apple as it would with apple pie). I'm re-introducing myself to these "fear foods" so I can re-introduce myself to "normal" life. If all that means is eating a doughnut or drinking a milkshake every now and then, so be it. I think that I can handle that if I really have to...

The boys that my milkshake did not bring to the yard...

Food Log: Monday October 21, 2013:

Breakfast:
Asiago bagel with jalepeno salsa cream cheese

Lunch:
Beans; cottage cheese; broccoli; brussel sprouts; mushrooms; pickled okra.

Snack:
Apple

Dinner:
Hot'n'spicy shrimp ramen noodle bowl

Snack:
Vanilla Milkshake

Snack:
Naked protein; TBD

Day Twenty-Two: A Trip to The Fresh Market

Today I took a trip to The Fresh Market in Brentwood. I passed it the other day when my cousin and I were driving around, and I thought that it looked interesting. I don't know if it's because of my eating disorder, or if it really is my personality and something that I really enjoy, but for the past few years, I've really liked going to grocery stores and markets. I would imagine that it is the eating disorder, but then again, I've always had an interest in food, and it could be that I've turned into what is now known as a "foodie" (which I think is an eating disorder in itself). Nonetheless, I get excited over farmers markets and cool grocery stores and the like.

I walked into The Fresh Market and was instantly hit with the sensation that makes me enjoy certain grocery stores: a cool atmoshphere, warm decor, beautiful flowers, bountiful produce, and wooden accents. The lighting was lovely and it set a nice ambiance for grocery shopping (because some people need that for their shopping experiences, you know).

What I found upon entering The Fresh Market.

 Upon entering, I came upon the glory of all grocery store glories: coffee samples. Oh yes. I tried the Kona coffee sample they had (despite the fact that I was carrying a cup of Starbucks); it was okay. I was just thrilled with the fact that it was there. Next to the samples was the bulk coffee. I found the flavored varieties, and then became a weirdo to anyone who was watching me, as I smelled every one of them...totally worth it. The scents were intoxicating, specifically the tiramisu roast. I really, really considered buying some, but I'm cheap and couldn't justify spending money on coffee when I could get it on my meal plan at school, and it's not vital for survival (or at least it shouldn't be).

The coffee sample section at The Fresh Market.

I moved on to the produce, a fresh, hippie oasis. The colors were what caught my eye the most: the bright greens of the greens, the beautiful red hue of the pomegranates, and the vibrant orange of the citrus. Next was the seafood, which all looked appetizing, and then to the bakery. I picked up a box of pie, and I was astonished because the box was warm: it was fresh. I had never experienced such a thing. I observed the surpisingly limited dairy section, and then found m.y way over to the equally small frozen section. All was well until I spied...

Jeni's Splendid Ice Cream. Ridiculous.

Now, let me just have my little rant. Jeni's ice cream is a Columbus thing. It ALWAYS wins "Best Ice Cream" awards in town, and literally EVERYONE is obsessed with it. They have weird flavors and it's the "hipster", "foodie", "avant garde" thing to like. I heard of it a few years ago, so with all of the hype, obviously I had to try it. When I did, I couldn't fathom what the deal was; it was mediocre at best and approximately $6 for one cone. I could get ice cream I really enjoyed at McDonalds and spend $5 less. Look at the price: $10.99...for a pint of ice cream...A FRIGGIN PINT. Why in God's name would anyone spend that much money on something like less than good ice cream? Why? How can people have such bad/little taste? These are the thoughts that went through my mind as I went through the frozen food section. I walked away thinking that I really shouldn't get so upset over this ice cream brand, but I do every time I see anything about it.

Next came the soaps and personal hygeine items, where I found different scented crystals of something that I determined to be bath salts. I smelled them (I have a thing for smelling), and decided that the grapefruit scent was the best. I moved through the aisles of dry foods, looked at the teas (the prices of which could support one of those sad children in third-world countries, or one of the puppies that Sarah McClachlan tortures), and then looked over the bins of bulk foods. My eye was caught by these chocolate, peanut butter, pretzel balls, chocolate covered banana chips, and little energy chews. I walked back towards where I began my excursion and found the candy area. It was like Willy Wonka threw a little seed and it grew into a little candy area; it was so cute and alluring.

The candy section of The Fresh Market.

I found myself at the end of my journey, back to the coffee area. I went back to the flavored coffees, and had round two of the "to get the tiramisu coffee, or not to get the tiramisu coffee" debate. My frugality got me again, and I left tiramisu coffee-less. I did however go back to the bakery and picked up a cherry pie for my cousins because I overheard them mention that they liked cherry pie. I proceeded to the checkout, which was very small and the entrances were narrow, as they were suurrounded by displays of Fall-themed treats. I bought my pie with my debit card, making it the third time that I've used plastic to make a purchase. I'm so old.

My receipt from The Fresh Market. And a book about a tractor that I bought for my cousin.

So is it of my eating disorder that I like going to grocery stores? Maybe. Should I stop going? Perhaps. Will I? I don't know. I wish that I didn't have a hobby in grocery shopping, I can't help it. There are much worse things that I could be doing, so if I want to walk around a store and smell things without the intent or act of buying anything, who's going to stop me? Well, maybe the management, I suppose. Until that day, or until the day where I no longer get pleasure out of meandering around a grocery store, I'll continue to go to my favorite grocery stores and markets when I get the chance. If I pass a Whole Foods and have time or nothing better to do, I'll drop in and look around. It's too bad that there isn't another Fresh Market around me, though. I really enjoyed that store and the atmosphere of it. I give it four out of four wheels on the grocery cart.