When The Enemy Attacks

So, I have a confession to make: I'd rather be thin than follow my dreams. I know what you're probably thinking: "that goes against everything you stand for!" "Aren't you supposed to be past that?" Well, both of those are true. But that's where I'm at right now. Let me explain... A couple of weeks ago, I started feeling self-conscious. I texted my prayer arsenal, and literally a couple of hours later, I felt confident and good again. The power of prayer does work people! A couple of days later, I finally made a decision about school (which had been stressing me out for months), and I felt peace about it. The next day, I had a doctor's appointment where I felt scolded and I got very down about it. I even cried, and I am not a crier. This was the first attack that the enemy pressed on me. The moment I feel peace, he hit me right where it hurt: my appearance, my weight, and my pride. Again, I texted my prayer friends, and low and behold, I felt better a while later. A week or so passes and I have to go to my doctor again. This time, I met with my dietician and my therapist. I've been following my meal plan like I'm supposed to, except I haven't been drinking a supplement that is on it. Here is why: I'm in the weight range that my doctors said was appropriate for me, I'm in that weight range without drinking the supplement, the supplement was put in place when I wasn't gaining the weight needed to be in my range, and I just don't see the point of doing it if I'm maintaining a healthy weight. My dietician told me at this appointment that I needed to follow my meal plan 100% (including the supplement) for a couple of weeks to see what happens with my weight, and she wants to see me weekly (we were doing once every 3 weeks). So that appointment left me scared and confused. I'm scared that I'm going to gain unnecessary weight, and confused about why they're making me gain unnecessary weight. Next, I met with my therapist and we talked about how I felt about what had just happened. We talked about how I hated myself at this time last year for my weight, why I would be sad if I gained weight, and just all the feels. We also discussed how I have 2 medical complications due to my eating disorder history and how those things COULD BE attributed to my weight and possibly how I'm not where I need to be with my weight. The thing is, these medical complications take time to heal and I don't think my weight is going to change that right away. So, I left my appointments balling my eyes out and begging God to not make me fat. It's been 4 days since those appointments, and I sit here crippled with fear. Fear that I'm going to gain weight, that my clothes aren't going to fit, fear of the sizes I may have to be, and more so, fear that I would rather stay thin than be healthy. Actually, I'm really not that afraid of that (which kind of scares me...does that make sense?). Right now, I'd rather give up my dreams than get bigger. If someone told me that, I would feel so sad for them and beg them not to think that way, yet here I am feeling as such. I've texted my prayer pals and I believe they are praying for me, but I still feel so afraid. Mostly, I'm afraid that God is going to make me fat to show me that appearance or weight doesn't matter and I need to rely on Him (which I understand now). Ultimately, I want His will to be done, but I hope with all of my might that doesn't mean I have to give up the weight I'm at right now where I feel confident and happy. Too much to ask? Probably. Jesus did say that we must deny ourselves and pick up our crosses daily, but I never thought it would be this hard. It's almost funny how the day I started to feel peace about one thing stressing me out, the enemy has been attacking me in my most vulnerable area. I just have to keep praying, hoping, and doing what I know is right. I know God has the power to save and bring me through this time of tribulation; I just hope He does it quickly because the fear and stress is overwhelming.

A Big Ol' Slab of Meat

I can't decide whether or not I should start eating meat again. You see, I started considering eating meat again a few weeks ago in order to aid in my recovery. I feel as though it would help the recovery process go faster and maybe even be better all around. I'm having a hard time, though, because I've formed a lot of my identity out of being vegetarian. There lies my struggle: being a vegetarian isn't who I am, it's an aspect of me. I want to have my identity be in Christ, but instead a great deal of it lies in my vegetarian lifestyle, which I don't think is good. The only reason that I'm a vegetarian now is because 1.) I think it sounds cool 2.) It's easier 3.) I'm used to it 4.) Meat doesn't sound good 5.) I want to beat my Dad (who was vegetarian for 17 years) 6.) EVEN THOUGH IT'S THE FARTHEST THING FROM THE TRUTH, I feel like I would be disappointing my Dad (which I can't stand the thought of) 7.) I'd feel like a failure if I ate meat 8.) It's one way I can restrict. Now, I know that none of these are legitamate reasons for living such a lifestyle, and the last one is blatantly obvious that I shouldn't be. But it's so hard.

I am terrified. The aspect of giving my diet/lifestyle up scares the jeepers out of me. I talked to my therapist last week, and she said that she thought I should eat meat. I talked to my Dad, and he said that I should eat meat. I talked to my closest friends, and they all said that I should eat meat. I talked to one of the nutritionists at I.O.P. last week, and she told me that I could recover either way. We made a pros and cons list, which went something like this...

Pros of staying vegetarian:
I don't have to change
I can keep my identity of vegetarianism
I can live the lifestyle I think is so cool
I have more options of nutritious vegetarian food in college
I have more options of nutritious vegetarian food now that I'm not as scared to eat it
Vegetarianism is gaining popularity, making it easier to find vegetarian options


Cons of being vegetarian:
I see myself as being a vegetarian instead of Zoe
It's a way for me to restrict
There are more readily available sources of meat in the world 
Meat is more nutrient-dense

There are more pros, I guess, than cons, but I also guess it's one of those "more bang for your buck" situations (if that makes sense). There may be more pros, but the reasoning behind the cons are more logical.

I was an emotional wreck this weekend because of this decision that I need to make. I'm having such a hard time because I ultimately feel like God is calling me to eat meat. I feel like my diet is shifting my focus away from Him. Again, I get my identity out of my vegetarian lifestyle instead of God, which is a major problem. I'm so stinking scared to give it up, though. That's a problem that all Christians who feel a call from God that they may not be keen on go through, though. I'm terrified because I feel as though God is calling me to eat meat and I'm not ready for it. I want to respond to His call, but I'm just so scared. I know it sounds ridiculous and stupid (at least to me) when I think about it: it's just food, eat it. But then I think of other things: if I eat meat, I feel like I'll start restricting myself of other foods (like grains, dessert, ice cream, cheese) that I've just started to eat again. I'm scared that eating meat will make me "fat," even though logically I know that's not true; there are a ton of anorexics who eat meat, for Pete's pampers. This disease is not a good time, man.

Here's what I've concluded: I have to start eating meat. Not necessarily for my health, but for my spirituality. I could recover from my eating disorder as a vegetarian, but I think my walk with God will be minimized. I've resolved that I'm just going to try meat again. I don't know when, I don't know how, and I don't know what it will be, but at some point within this next week, I'm at least going to try it. I may not keep up with it, but I'm going to try. I'm also going to pray that God reveals to  me if it really is what He wants for me. I just want to serve and honor Him in everything I do, and if that includes doing something that pulls me out of my comfort zone, so be it. Yes, I'm scared out of my whits, but I know that everything that God does in my life is for my own good. I'm not going to lie, I don't feel God at all in my life right now. I don't know why I have such a hard time deciding whether or not to eat meat, why I have this burden of an eating disorder, why I can't think like a normal person, why I can't eat like a normal person, why I can't just serve God like I want to. Still, I know God is there, and He loves me. My hope lies in Him. I'm having a hard time trusting Him right now, but I trust that He will do what is best for me. So Zoe and meat....to be continued...

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us a glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes, not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
-2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Day Twenty-Seven: I Need A Longer Attention Span

I'm sitting in the library with my friends, Heather and Camille, trying to read books to research information for a paper I have to write. As my eyes go from word to word, my mind is thinking about doing other things. Some of it's food, some of it's just thinking of doing other things. What is it about reading that I just can't stay focused on? It's even a subject I have interest in. When I notice my mind wandering, I reprimand myself because I can't focus. The dialogue in my head goes something like, "why can't you focus? You need to focus! Are you not interested? Dude, you're reading about something that you want to make a career out of. You should be enveloped in this stuff." I wish I could be more interested, but I'm just not. Well, I'm also reading a book, and I have a hard time reading books unless they are really quite extraordinary...but I digress.

I've realized that I'm incredibly hard on myself. I really need to give myself more grace and compassion. I'm always talking down to myself because I haven't kicked this eating disorder after four years; because my relationship with God isn't where I would like it to be; because I constantly think about myself and my needs instead of others'; because I don't live up to my own expectations; because I obsess over eating so much; because I think about food more than God; because I don't have any relevant passions in my life because I'm always thinking about food; because I flake out on people; basically, because I'm not perfect. Just F.Y.I., I just had a revelation. I've been preaching for a couple of years now that "perfection" is unattainable, yet I haven't grasped that. I mean, I know that society's view of "perfection" is unrealistic, but I guess I never thought about how one's own view of "perfection" is equally unrealistic. Why is it so hard for human beings to just accept themselves and love themselves for the way that they are? The way God made them, imperfections and kinks and all?

Today in chapel, I had another revelation: God loves all of me, even with my food obsessed thoughts. I realized that I've been trying to make myself present to God without them, even though I constantly pray that He would take them away. I realized that I have them for a reason right now, and God still loves me. He wouldn't make me have them if He didn't know that they would end up alright and for the glory of His kingdom. He knows that they are competing with Him: that they take over where He should be. And yet, He doesn't take them away. Why? I wish that I knew. However, I'm relying on the fact that God knows what He's doing and I don't have to. I just have to follow where He calls me, and have faith that my current sufferings will be of some benefit. My life verse right now is 2 Corinthians 4:17-18..."For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." It's a good one, ay? 

So as far as my attention span goes, here we are blogging instead of reading. In all fairness, though, this blog does have to be done today, and my paper isn't due until next Thursday. I'll give myself that. In reality, I need to give myself more than that in so many aspects of my life. I'm so harsh on myself and that's probably a big reason that I haven;t gotten out of this food funk. If I showed myself the love that God is showing me, than I would probably be happier and better off. Although it's hard to accept the fact that I'm not everything that I'm supposed to be, I need to give up because I'm not strong enough (those are lyrics to a song, by the way). I need to surrender to God, which I think in turn will help me to surrender to myself. I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be me...obsessive food thoughts and all. 

Food Log: Thursday October 24, 2013:

Breakfast:
Power Protein bagel with blueberry cream cheese from Einstein Brothers 

Lunch:
Pizza bagl from Einstein Brothers (I've officially tried every bagel and cream cheese option that they offer at Einstein Brothers...hooray!) 

Dinner: 
Tuna salad; carrots; green beans; slice of provolone cheese; mushrooms; soy milk; pickle

Snack:
Naked

Snack: 
TBD

This is that song. Listen to it. Relate it to your life. DO IT.