So Happy I Want to Cry

Hello friends! How's it going? Hopefully bueno!

So remember my last few posts where I described feeling depressed, self-loathing, and just all around sad? Well get ready for this one. For the past 4-5 weeks I have felt overwhelmingly...happy. Not just on the outside, but I feel happy in the depths of my heart!

A few weeks ago, I had a meal plan increase and I just felt huge and disgusting after leaving treatment. I hated myself. The next day, I met with a girl I work with and am in bible study with, Mandy. I can't explain what it is about her, but I feel so happy when I'm with her. We talked about God and how He is working in our lives. It was spectacular. Right after that, I met with one of my best friends, Courtney. We walked my dog and talked about how the Lord is working in both of our lives. I left feeling overwhelmed with joy of the Lord. I kid you not, ever since that Wednesday, I have not stopped feeling happy.

God has been working in my life so greatly both in my eating disorder and depression, but also aspects of my life outside of those. For example, I got bored one night, so I started playing on Tinder. I know, dumb. I started talking to a couple of guys who said they knew Christ. I didn't go into it with the intention to date, but if I met new friends who were Christian, I was game. I actually got asked to hang out by one of the guys, and I agreed. The next day, I began to feel convicted about it. I prayed about it more, and God told me He didn't want me to go. I messaged the guy and told him that God wasn't feeling us going on the date, so I had to cancel. Luckily he understood. As I drove home one day from treatment thinking about Tinder and the boys I was talking to, the words "I am enough" rang in my head. The moment I heard that, I felt overcome by feelings of peace and the love of God. He is enough, in every aspect of my life: He is enough no matter what I weigh; He is enough no matter what I have to eat; He is enough even if I never end up finding a significant other and getting married. He is enough, and I'm okay with that. I know, I'm only 21 and I still have some years left to find a man, but for now, Christ is enough. It's such a freeing feeling. Oh, I also deleted the Tinder app after feeling convicted. I realized that I was seeking affirmation outside of Christ and that was not okay. Bye, Tinder.

This past Saturday, my best friend and I participated in the NEDA walk in Columbus. To be honest, I only did it to spend time with my friend. I didn't necessarily care about the cause. We were talking, and I told her about how I've never been super big on the whole "pro-recovery, rah-rah NEDA" thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad people can get hyped for recovery, it's just never been me. I never knew why, and as we talked about it, I came to a realization: I'm NOT pro-recovery because I'm pro-Jesus. Let me explain: I put my hope for recovery in Christ alone. I believe that He is the one true healer. Only He can truly heal my wounds and wash away my sins. It is by nothing that I do, but what Christ does in me that I will recover. I believe that there will be a day where I don't struggle with an eating disorder or depression at all. I believe that those thoughts won't even cross my mind. I believe that because He promises me that. Based on observations and hearing others in recovery talk, I've found that many who get super jacked on recovery still have days where they struggle and feel the weight of the eating disorder or depression pressing on them. I believe that this is because such people are that way because their entire hope for recovery is based in the concept of recovery. It's entirely based on the idea that there is a great fight against the disorders that they constantly have to be on guard against. In reality, the fight is over. That fight has been nailed to the cross. It is just as dead as my sin. Knowing that, I know that nothing is impossible with Jesus. I know that as long as I am obedient to Him and His will for me, I cannot fail or stumble because it is finished. Praise Him!!

When I spend time in prayer, I usually ask God if He wants me in school, if He wants me at Ohio State, and if He wants me to major in nutrition. My plan for the past half-year has been to become a dietitian at an eating disorder facility and help those afflicted with the disease. Like I said, it's cool to see God working in parts of my life outside of the disorder. I hadn't really been thinking about school that much and I was just going to go through with MY plan. I was going to go to Ohio State Newark beginning in Summer, live at home for a year or two, transfer to main campus and live in Columbus, and get my degree in Human Nutrition. That was MY plan. As I think about my plans and how well they typically go, it's just a big LOL. I met with one of my good friends this past Tuesday, and I cannot for the life of me remember what we were talking about, but the topic of school and me going to school came up. I started to have feelings of not wanting to go, and I started to question it. On my way to treatment that day, I realized it: I'm not supposed to go to school. At least, I don't think I am. I don't believe that it is God's will for me to go to school, at least right now. Honestly, though, I don't know if it's His will for me to go at all. I realized that I truly just want to live a simple life, without a lot of money, serving God daily. I really just want to work at River Road for as long as I can, and serve Him there. The moment that I realized that, I felt an overwhelming feeling of peace. So now I'm no longer planning to go to school, and I could not be more excited about it. I'm not excited about the concept of not going to school, but rather I'm excited to be obedient to God in what I believe He wants for me right now. I'm continuing to pray about this as it is a very recent revelation, but I feel right about it.

Last week I stepped down to (what is essentially) IOP, so now I go to treatment 4 days a week for 3 hours. I'm supposed to be there for 6-8 weeks. I talked with my therapist yesterday and told him how incredibly happy I've been feeling. He said if the weeks continue like this, I will reduce my hours to 3 days a week for 3 hours a day, and maybe I'll even end sooner. I'm so sick of treatment. I just want to be done. I realized that I get bored because I don't agree with some of the ideas of treatment. For example, they say you have to recover for yourself. While I believe that is true, it's not the entire truth for me. I have to recover for Christ, because it's not about me. Nothing is about me. It is all about Him. Every breath I take, every beat of my heart, every decision I make, every good thing that happens is because of Him and ultimately glorifies His name. I have to die to my flesh every day and turn my thoughts from the belief that my life is about me because it's just not. I know to a worldly view that sounds so rigid and strict, but in reality, it is the most freeing thing I have ever experienced. I'm not in control, God is. I don't have to have it all together because He does. I may choose whether or not I will engage in recovery, but He is ultimately the one who decides. He is the one I must do it for. I must die to my flesh and desires to live my life for myself and live it for Him. I can't even begin to tell you how much freedom I feel.

Where I'm at right now is light-years away from where I was a few weeks ago. I genuinely feel so happy. I actually have had multiple days where I feel so happy in my heart that I want to breakdown and cry because I just don't know what to do with these emotions. It's a scary, beautiful thing. I'm so excited about life. I'm excited to live my life for Christ. Oh, I also want to say that I don't think anyone is wrong who gets excited about recovery. If that's how you found recovery, that's awesome! For me, however, I choose Christ and to walk in the freedom that He won on the cross. All praise and glory be to Him!