Thanksgiving...Not A Fan

This has not been a very good past couple of weeks. I've been restricting a lot and feeling very down, lethargic, and depressed. The worst part is that I have no idea why. I'm left to assume it is because I'm stressed because I generally restrict my food intake because its how I deal with stress. But I don't know why I'm stressed. I don't have strenuous school work or anything to do ever.....I think that could be why. I HATE not having anything to do. HATE. LOATHE. And, f.y.i., if you're looking for things to do in Cleveland, TN, the best thing to do is leave Cleveland, TN and go somewhere else because there is NOTHING to do. Last Saturday, my friends and I had nothing to do, so went to Starbucks, and thought, "Well, we've got nothing better to do...let's go get piercings." So we went and got various piercings because we were just that bored. YOLO. I just wish that I knew what exactly it was that made me have such a dramatic shift in my thoughts and behaviors in this past week or so. I would feel immensly better if I knew why (I may not BE better, but I I would feel better).

Like I said, I've been restricting a lot more in the past week than I have been in a while. I honestly think that it has a lot to do with the fact that yesterday was Thanksgiving. First off, I've never been a fan of Thanksgiving or the types of food that supply the menu. What is more frightening than an entire day based on the concept of gorging oneself on high-calorie food and sitting around, doing nothing? Very little in my life right now (which, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I honestly am thankful for. People deal with a lot more things and are scared of worse things). Plus, since I started eating meat, I didn't know how to handle the "holiday" since I haven't eaten meat in so long. On Tuesday and Wednesday nights, I kept thinking of how I wanted to (note that I WANTED to) restrict in the future. I kept thinking of how I could restrict when I got back to school (I'm at my friend's house in Knoxville for the Thanksgiving break), and I just kept thinking that all I would drink coffee, eat dinner, and a snack before bed...that's it. Don't ask why I WANTED to do that, but it's the way my mind was working. I've also been comparing what I eat with what one of my friends who I'm with eats. She eats very little (at least from what I see her eat. I don't always watch her to see her snack and stuff), and I feel like I need to eat either as much as or less than she eats. It was amazing, though, because yesterday, the day after Thanksgiving, I had a shift in my thoughts. I ate with my companions throughout the day, and didn't think as much of it. I still feel like restricting when I return to school, but not as badly as I wanted to (and as I do some positive self-talk and eventually return to campus, I'll hopefully be out of that mind-set completely). So the past two days have been more pleasant.

I keep thinking about food, though. Like how I'm going to eat, what I'm going to eat, etc. I've decided (for now, at least) that either once I get back to campus or back home, I will be returning to a vegetarian lifestyle. Yes, I could be wanting to do this as a means of restricting, and yes it could be because I want to return to my vegetarian identity. However, I feel like it causes me to restrict just as much as or more than when I don't eat meat. I admit, it does make life easier, as it's always around and everyone eats it. However, I really don't like the way that any meat tastes, I know how to get protein from non-fleshy sources, and the only time I really want anything meat-based is when I want soup and the only place that I can get it is at Einstein Brothers when they're open and the dining hall is not. I don't know. It's another hard decision. I think that I'll only eat meat when I'm staying at a place where I have no personal connections who know that I don't eat meat, and my hosts offer me meat. Other than that, though, if I have a choice, I just don't prefer meat (besides fish. Fish is always good).

I want to be home. Never in  a gazillion years did I think that I wanted to be in Newark, Ohio. I realized that I really don't like Lee University. At least, not right now, or at least I just don't like Cleveland. The lack of activity and life in the area is painful to me. PAINFUL. I'm so excited to be with my family, see my old friends, be in Columbus (which, despite my hate for Ohio, is my favorite place on earth), sit next to my fireplace, and do a bunch of things that I've talked about doing with my loved ones. It is taking a great deal of strength to be "responsible" and not leave before my finals (don't worry, I'm going to take my stinkin' tests). Through the past couple of weeks, I haven't been able to feel God very much. I know he's there, but it's not like I'm basking in his magnificence and glory, skipping into church with a holy happiness. But that's the way that faith works: one isn't always going to be super duper happy with their relationship with God. Jesus himself said that following him would suck sometimes (I'm pretty sure that's biblical, verbatim.) I believe with my whole heart that there is a reason for this less than favorable season in my life. I know that I'm going through this because God has something great and awesome and stupendous planned to come out of it. I wish that I could feel God, be super happy, and not be going through my stupid food thoughts and eating disorder bull ca-ca, but I'm wayyyyyyy better off than most. For that, I am thankful. I'm thankful for my life, all of the good and bad parts in it. I'm thankful for blankets, heat, the sun, sweatshirts, fire, hot coffee, fuzzy socks, a place to sleep at night, having people who love me, and most importantly, having a relationship with Christ. So even though I say "I hate my life" wayyyyyyy more than I should (especially right now), I don't mean it. I love my life and all of the warm things that God has blessed me with.