UPDATES

Hi! Okay, so if you read my last post, you have probably been on the edge of your seat and unable to sleep at night because I said that I would write about updates on my life and details of my summer. Well, calm down...I giveth you the updates...eth? Yeah. Thanks Shakespeare. You're a bro with your Olde English. We last left off on my life post-California, which looking back on was one of the worst decisions I've ever made. Again, I loved seeing my friend and I went to Disneyland, but the stress during the trip and repercussions following it were NOT worth it. When I returned, the stress that I felt on the trip continued into stress back at home. Not for the same thing (it was money in Cali), but just stress about everything. I also felt very insecure and inadequate in my appearance and self. I continued going over to Children's in Columbus, and I would tell them exactly how I was feeling: fat. I didn't hide it and I wasn't going to lie about how I was really feeling because I was still in a mindset of recovery. I returned to my job at Dairy Isle also. A couple of weeks later, I had a bit of a falling out at Children's. I didn't eat all of my given exchanges the morning of my appointment because Mom and I were going to my favorite restaurant for lunch and the good ol' eating disorder habit of compensation came into effect. At this point, I just didn't care. When I got to my appointment with my therapist, she asked me what I had eaten that morning, so I told her, to which she replied by telling me we were going to go to the kitchen to get food to make up for what I missed. I respectfully refused. When she asked why, I said because I didn't want to. This went back and forth for a few minutes, and then she called mom in. Something bad financially had happened that morning, so mom wasn't happy in the first place, so when she heard that I was refusing food on top of that, she started crying and just left. I then was upset, so I went to the kitchen, got food, ate it in silence, and then walked out of my appointment. I was mad and mom was upset, so we didn't go to lunch, going straight home. Needless to say, the day was ruined. I thought about that event and my life in general and it just made me mad. A couple of days later, I called Children's, cancelled all future appointments, and quit going. I gave up. A couple of weeks after that event, I started going to summer school at OSU-Newark (which is literally right across the street from me). I took Intro to Psychology, Elementary Statistics, and Art and Music Since 1945. I loved all of my classes, believe it or not. I found stats to be interesting, I loved learning more about the music that I love, and I felt like I knew a lot about psych before the class, so they were all pretty easy. Except stats. It's not even that it was hard material, but for some reason I always missed the smallest details or random things on quizzes. Regardless, I passed my classes with 2 A's and 1 C. But I passed so that's all that matters. Oh, and one day after class, I got a tattoo. It's a black cross on my wrist (I know: typical white girl). It represents my faith (obvi) and then it also had more meaning to me. It was supposed to represent my deliverance from my eating disorder through the power of Christ. I had wanted to get the tattoo for awhile, but the events of this year and a book I read that really spoke to me inspired it further. When I wasn't at school, I was at the good ol' Dairy Isle. This year, I was trained in the kitchen, so I was makin' them conies and fries. It's amazing how many elderly people enjoy their conies and shredded chicken sandwiches. I worked a lot, and made bank. Now I know what you're thinking: "Zoe, when did you have fun this summer?" Well, I decided prior to summer beginning that as soon as school started, I was going to dedicate myself to my studies and work. So I did, and I enjoyed it. I actually love my job at the Dairy Isle. This season was especially spectacular because my co-workers became my best friends. We were together all of the time, so we didn't really have a choice, BUT I really do love them. They were the only people I felt like I could be my true self around and escape from the mess that my life was (again, that's to come). The biggest update actually began before I even went to California. Sometime in May, Cedar Point has a day where they let OSU students and faculty in for a discounted rate, so one of my best friends from junior high and one of my best friends of all time and another friend made through junior high friend (does that make sense? In sum, 3 people) took a road trip to be "ride warriors". As we walked around, I got weird vibes. Don't get me wrong: I enjoyed myself, but something wasn't right. I wasn't even at OSU, but I just felt...not right. I started texting one of my best friend's from Lee, and I realized... I want to be at Lee. "SAY WHAAA? BUT ZOE you hated it there!" Valid. I wasn't happy when I was at Lee my first semester a. because I wasn't taking mentally stimulating classes or enough hours to occupy my time b. I wasn't involved in anything c. I was too wrapped up in the eating disorder to function by the time I started hating it. Still, I felt like that was where I was meant to be. Vibes and feelings are (I believe) the prime way that God speaks to me, and I think that He gave me those feelings because He wants me at Lee. I love Ohio State main campus; I was excited to go there and live in Columbus (mi Corazon, but I didn't think that that is where God wanted me to be. I talked to my parents about it when I got home that night, and my Dad was supportive because he believes that Lee is where I'm meant to be, and mom was apprehensive but supportive. The next day, I sent emails and made phone calls trying to get information about applying. I proceeded to fill out an application to the school, a separate application to the school of nursing, and then I waited. Oh, did I ever mention that I had also decided earlier that year that I wanted to do nursing? Well, I decided that I wanted to do nursing at some point earlier this year. A few weeks passed, and I received a phone call: I was BACK in! To Lee and the Nursing school! Skip skip tally-ho! I went to school at OSU this summer basically preparing to come back to Lee. I was #stoked. So, now I'm at Lee. It's a little strange because it's not the same hall as last year where everyone was best friends, hardly any of my friends are on a meal plan (WHICH I WOULD LIKE TO ADD IS A COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY and am very excited to be able to not be on one), upper classmen are NEVER on campus, and it's just weird because you realize how freshman centered most of campus is (at least for the first few weeks). I'm currently taking Foundations of Western Culture, Human Biology, Recent American History, Survey of Western Civilization II, bio lab, and New Testament. My foundations class: literally have NO idea what is going on. Like, why Homer? Why? I leave very frustrated and done with humanity when I leave biology. I love my American history and New Testament classes. My Western Civ. professor is rad and makes a lot of Doctor Who references, which I appreciate. I auditioned for a couple of the ensembles on campus, and actually got into one called EVS (Evangelistic Singers). They sing black-gospel type music, and I actually really like them, however, I decided not to do it because I want to focus on other things. I tried to rush in a sorority, but I didn't get an interview so that didn't happen (which I'm totally fine with). Cru started 2 weeks ago, and that is where my heart is. Ohh Cru, how I love you. I'm trying to get as involved in that as possible. I also joined SLC (Student Leadership Council), and I'm in the Marketing and Recruitment committee which I really enjoy. I'm also currently job searching. So now you may be asking "how are your nursing classes going?" To answer that: they're not. I don't want to do nursing now. Lemme splain... A couple of weeks before I left for school, my Norma (a.k.a. grandma) fell and broke her hip (2nd time this has happened). I stayed with her in the hospital for a couple of nights, and I saw the work that the nurses had to do and I had a major reality check. For one thing, I never had any desire at all in any capacity to do anything in the medical field. Another thing, I realized that one of the biggest reasons that I decided to pursue nursing was because I thought I was inspired by the nurses at Children's that experienced whenever I had been hospitalized, when in reality, I just like being the patient...I don't want to do the actual work. So nursing is no more. What am I going to do now? I have no idea, and I'm honestly freaking out a little bit of a lot because I have no plan. I'm considering communications or journalism because that is what I had wanted to do throughout high school and I do enjoy writing. I'm also looking into business administration with an international business emphasis, because one of my dream jobs is to be like one of those people on the Kashi commercials zip-lining through the rain forest, sourcing ingredients for their cereal and stuff... I also realized that I really do have a love/passion for coffee, and I would love to work for a travelling position of some sort at Starbucks or something of that ilk. I've also been thinking of an idea that I had last year of opening a coffee shop where I go to third-world countries and source the beans, share Jesus with the people I encounter, and then coming back to my shop and selling the coffee and other products the people make, and sharing their stories and the work that God would be doing in their lives. I'm also considering Anthropology again because that's a very versatile field, I love the building it's in at Lee, and I love the professors of the department. But I really have no idea what I want to do, or more importantly, what God wants me to do. Luckily, I need all of the classes that I'm taking for any of the majors I choose, so I have this semester to figure out what to do with my life. That's about it. All up to date. Again, I'll write again soon with more about my summer and the reason for the post prior to this one. For now, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on with my life. Transitioning back to Lee has been rough because I don't have any idea what I want to do, and I haven't really made any new friends outside of my friends from last year (which, in itself, isn't a bad thing because they are the best friends I've ever had, but I get really bothered by not having more friends). I just have to keep reminding myself that it's only the 3rd week of school and I have plenty of time to make friends, and that I have an entire semester to think about what I want to do. I know that it will all work out, but I hate not having a goal or a plan. That's where faith needs to come in, but I'm having a hard time with that too. Oh, I also developed a new passion for old school gangster rap this summer... not ashamed.

One Week Later

It's been a little over one week (I say a little over because it's one hour and 27 minutes past midnight) since my challenge ended. Here's how things have been going...
Not too hot. I haven't been following my meal plan to a tee anymore. Actually, I haven't really been following it at all. I've been trying to eat intuitively, but I've realized that I can't do that effectively or normally yet. I haven't been eating as much as I know I should be. I take into account the different food groups that I need, but I eat what I think sounds good. However, I've realized that my fears and preoccupations with food and certain food groups re-surface when I'm not following the meal plan. For example, if I have a bagel for breakfast, I'll be timid to eat carbs the rest of the day even though I technically need at least 6 more grain servings. I've been more relaxed with fruits and vegetables, as those are fairly low-calorie foods, and I do love them the most (at least, I think it's me who loves them and not my eating disorder...). I'm still planning my eating plans for each day ahead of time (which is still really annoying and makes me hate my life a little bit), but I do it differently than I did when I was following my meal plan. I think about what I'm going to eat, but not how I'm going to get all of my servings in. For the past two days, I've been trying to get back on track, but it hasn't been going too hot. I'll try again tomorrow, but the way my mind is working right now, it doesn't seem too likely; hopefully I'm wrong and I can beat my eating disordered thoughts. Welcome to the never-ending battle with an eating disorder.

The weather on November 1 in Cleveland, TN (HALLELUJAH! It was beautiful!)

Today was a good day, even though my eating wasn't too hot. I woke up at 2:30 to take my friend, Camille, to the airport with my other friend Ruth. We got back around 5 and went back to bed. I woke up around 9:30 to get ready to go to an academic advising session with my advisor at 10:30. I got dressed and ready, read my Bible and daily devotion, and debated whether or not to have a Boost or Balance bar...I went with the Balance bar. After sitting in my advisor's office for half an hour, he didn't show up, so I re-scheduled for noon, and went to my Mission of the Church Class at 11. I returned to his office at 12, waited for 45 minutes, and then left. HOWEVER, I met him as I was leaving and he apologized for making me wait. We then went on to have my advising session, and I went on my way. Oh, I also switched my major this week from Intercultural Studies to Anthropology. I don't know what I'm going to do yet; all I know is that I want to travel, do something with and to help people, and something to further God's kingdom. I also think that I might want to do something dealing with body image because I've formed a bit of a passion for it the past couple of years, but I'm not sure what I could do with that. Anyway, I LOVE MY NEW ADVISOR! He's awesome (even though he made me wait a little bit. But that's okay because I had good ol' Candy Crush to keep me occupied). After my advising session, I returned to my dorm, read for my Global Perspectives seminar quiz, ate some carrots, and then went to withdraw from a class. I then went to check my mail and then I went to my Global Perspectives Class. After that, I went to my true home...you guessed it...Starbucks. I went with my friends Ruth, Heather, Lori, and Melissa. We took homework and study stuff to keep budy and make it a productive trip. I got a venti mocha light frappucino, and I got it FOR FREE because I had a freebie reward! BOOM! I talked to the supervisor about the application that I turned in a week ago, she took my name and availability, and now we play the waiting game...fingers crossed. We stayed at Starbucks for nearly 2 hours (it was beautiful), and I got a good deal of a paper done.

Being a hipster, working on a laptop with my coffee beverage, at Starbucks.

My second beverage at Starbucks...I'm not addicted...

We returned to campus around 6ish, and went to dinner. Good food night at the dining hall, as I had lemon dill cod, steamed broccoli and carrots, and mixed fruit. And a couple bites of a peanut butter cookie. After dinner, we went to Melissa's room (she lives in a different, suite-style dorm), and had a movie party. It was fun. Melissa had a big box of candy and goodies that her family sent her for her birthday and she let us have whatever we wanted out of it. I had some fruit snacks, gum, and a cosmic brownie. Now, I was timid to have the brownie because I was a little afraid of it, I didn't know if I really wanted it, and because I'm a weirdo. I decided just to eat it, though, because I'm a college kid with my friends who are eating whatever they want without thinking about it and enjoying it. And you know what? I enjoyed it, and that's all that matters. We watched "Cabin In The Woods" which was really dumb, and "Side Effects" which was alright. We left around midnight to return to the dorm. My friends went to sleep, and I sat down to finish the paper that I worked on at Starbucks. I called my mom and talked to her for about 19 minutes, put "Blue's Clues" on Amazon Prime (nothing else sounded good...), and here we are now....

So, to wrap it up: I haven't been following my meal plan which is proving to be an issue. So what am I going to do you ask? I'm going to get back into the habit of it. Through my research during the project, I learned that it takes 6-12 months minimum to recover from food-obsessed thoughts, as long as you keep up with re-nourishing your body (which is what the meal plan does). Since I LOATHE this stupid food obsession, I have no choice but to do this meal plan. While I'm not going to stress out about making sure that I follow it 100%, I am at least going to follow it as best as I can throughout the day. I'm also going to keep enjoying Starbucks. And hopefully I'll get a job there. And I'll keep doing "normal" college kid stuff, like watching movies with my friends and eating Little Debbies just because. And I'll work on papers that aren't due for another week at one in the morning. And I'll watch "Blue's Clue's" and "Spongebob," gosh darn it. As they say, "YOLO."