This has not been a very good past couple of weeks. I've been restricting a lot and feeling very down, lethargic, and depressed. The worst part is that I have no idea why. I'm left to assume it is because I'm stressed because I generally restrict my food intake because its how I deal with stress. But I don't know why I'm stressed. I don't have strenuous school work or anything to do ever.....I think that could be why. I HATE not having anything to do. HATE. LOATHE. And, f.y.i., if you're looking for things to do in Cleveland, TN, the best thing to do is leave Cleveland, TN and go somewhere else because there is NOTHING to do. Last Saturday, my friends and I had nothing to do, so went to Starbucks, and thought, "Well, we've got nothing better to do...let's go get piercings." So we went and got various piercings because we were just that bored. YOLO. I just wish that I knew what exactly it was that made me have such a dramatic shift in my thoughts and behaviors in this past week or so. I would feel immensly better if I knew why (I may not BE better, but I I would feel better).
Like I said, I've been restricting a lot more in the past week than I have been in a while. I honestly think that it has a lot to do with the fact that yesterday was Thanksgiving. First off, I've never been a fan of Thanksgiving or the types of food that supply the menu. What is more frightening than an entire day based on the concept of gorging oneself on high-calorie food and sitting around, doing nothing? Very little in my life right now (which, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I honestly am thankful for. People deal with a lot more things and are scared of worse things). Plus, since I started eating meat, I didn't know how to handle the "holiday" since I haven't eaten meat in so long. On Tuesday and Wednesday nights, I kept thinking of how I wanted to (note that I WANTED to) restrict in the future. I kept thinking of how I could restrict when I got back to school (I'm at my friend's house in Knoxville for the Thanksgiving break), and I just kept thinking that all I would drink coffee, eat dinner, and a snack before bed...that's it. Don't ask why I WANTED to do that, but it's the way my mind was working. I've also been comparing what I eat with what one of my friends who I'm with eats. She eats very little (at least from what I see her eat. I don't always watch her to see her snack and stuff), and I feel like I need to eat either as much as or less than she eats. It was amazing, though, because yesterday, the day after Thanksgiving, I had a shift in my thoughts. I ate with my companions throughout the day, and didn't think as much of it. I still feel like restricting when I return to school, but not as badly as I wanted to (and as I do some positive self-talk and eventually return to campus, I'll hopefully be out of that mind-set completely). So the past two days have been more pleasant.
I keep thinking about food, though. Like how I'm going to eat, what I'm going to eat, etc. I've decided (for now, at least) that either once I get back to campus or back home, I will be returning to a vegetarian lifestyle. Yes, I could be wanting to do this as a means of restricting, and yes it could be because I want to return to my vegetarian identity. However, I feel like it causes me to restrict just as much as or more than when I don't eat meat. I admit, it does make life easier, as it's always around and everyone eats it. However, I really don't like the way that any meat tastes, I know how to get protein from non-fleshy sources, and the only time I really want anything meat-based is when I want soup and the only place that I can get it is at Einstein Brothers when they're open and the dining hall is not. I don't know. It's another hard decision. I think that I'll only eat meat when I'm staying at a place where I have no personal connections who know that I don't eat meat, and my hosts offer me meat. Other than that, though, if I have a choice, I just don't prefer meat (besides fish. Fish is always good).
I want to be home. Never in a gazillion years did I think that I wanted to be in Newark, Ohio. I realized that I really don't like Lee University. At least, not right now, or at least I just don't like Cleveland. The lack of activity and life in the area is painful to me. PAINFUL. I'm so excited to be with my family, see my old friends, be in Columbus (which, despite my hate for Ohio, is my favorite place on earth), sit next to my fireplace, and do a bunch of things that I've talked about doing with my loved ones. It is taking a great deal of strength to be "responsible" and not leave before my finals (don't worry, I'm going to take my stinkin' tests). Through the past couple of weeks, I haven't been able to feel God very much. I know he's there, but it's not like I'm basking in his magnificence and glory, skipping into church with a holy happiness. But that's the way that faith works: one isn't always going to be super duper happy with their relationship with God. Jesus himself said that following him would suck sometimes (I'm pretty sure that's biblical, verbatim.) I believe with my whole heart that there is a reason for this less than favorable season in my life. I know that I'm going through this because God has something great and awesome and stupendous planned to come out of it. I wish that I could feel God, be super happy, and not be going through my stupid food thoughts and eating disorder bull ca-ca, but I'm wayyyyyyy better off than most. For that, I am thankful. I'm thankful for my life, all of the good and bad parts in it. I'm thankful for blankets, heat, the sun, sweatshirts, fire, hot coffee, fuzzy socks, a place to sleep at night, having people who love me, and most importantly, having a relationship with Christ. So even though I say "I hate my life" wayyyyyyy more than I should (especially right now), I don't mean it. I love my life and all of the warm things that God has blessed me with.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Call Me "Carnivore"
I did it. After four years, I did it. I ate meat. After having a HUGE part of my identity being my vegetarian diet and lifestyle for four years, I ate meat. Woah.
It wasn't as bad as I was anticipating. I kind of imagined myself having an emotional breakdown and taking two and a half hours to chew the animal flesh, but it didn't go like that at all. I went to the cafeteria for dinner with the intention to eat meat. They didn't have anything meaty on the menu that sounded too great, so I just went to the deli station and customized my own sandwich. I figured I might as well get something I kind of wanted/wouldn't make me sick. Now, I'm sure you're DYING to know what I had...well, it was a garlic wrap with TURKEY, onion, tomato, lettuce, mayo, and mustard, grilled. So how was it? Honestly, not that great. I really don't understand why people consume meat because it's really not that great. My sandwich was bland and not something I would willingly seek, yet people do it every day. To each their own. I realize that not all foods are created equal, especially when it comes to taste, so I'll continue to try different kinds of meat. The thing is, the only kinds of meat that sounds slightly appetizing are that of the cow, but I don't want to eat cow because their eyes make me sad. I also have a deep, passionate loathing for chickens, turkeys, and other birds, so if I'm going to eat meat, I really don't mind eating poultry because, as far as I'm concerned, they can die whether people are consuming them or not. I've been eating fish since July, and that always sounds good, so I'm not too concerned about that.
Since I started toying with the idea of eating mammal meat, and now that I have, I've been thinking of things that sound good that I want. I concluded meatball subs, cheeseburgers, Taco Bell, sloppy joes, and chicken burritos. The only downside to that is that I'll probs have to spend money on them, which I hate the thought of. I've also concluded that I'll eat meat 1.) If it truly sounds good and 2.) If there are no other means of adequate nutrition around. Mammal meat just really never sounds too great, so if I can eat without it, I'm going to eat like a "normal" person and eat what I like. Fingers crossed I can stay in that mind set of "intuitive" eating and not make it about fearing food.
Even though my meal tonight wasn't necessarily world's best, it was a major step. Looking back, I wish I would have just gotten a meatball sub from Subway, but that can be for another day. I'm actually kind of excited for my re-discovered meat consumption because it opens up the door for even more options of things I can eat when I'm out. I'm really hoping it makes my hair grow really long, too. So as of November 12, 2013, call me an omnivore. At least for now...
It wasn't as bad as I was anticipating. I kind of imagined myself having an emotional breakdown and taking two and a half hours to chew the animal flesh, but it didn't go like that at all. I went to the cafeteria for dinner with the intention to eat meat. They didn't have anything meaty on the menu that sounded too great, so I just went to the deli station and customized my own sandwich. I figured I might as well get something I kind of wanted/wouldn't make me sick. Now, I'm sure you're DYING to know what I had...well, it was a garlic wrap with TURKEY, onion, tomato, lettuce, mayo, and mustard, grilled. So how was it? Honestly, not that great. I really don't understand why people consume meat because it's really not that great. My sandwich was bland and not something I would willingly seek, yet people do it every day. To each their own. I realize that not all foods are created equal, especially when it comes to taste, so I'll continue to try different kinds of meat. The thing is, the only kinds of meat that sounds slightly appetizing are that of the cow, but I don't want to eat cow because their eyes make me sad. I also have a deep, passionate loathing for chickens, turkeys, and other birds, so if I'm going to eat meat, I really don't mind eating poultry because, as far as I'm concerned, they can die whether people are consuming them or not. I've been eating fish since July, and that always sounds good, so I'm not too concerned about that.
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| My turkey wrap |
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| Close-up encounter with my meat-filled wrap |
Since I started toying with the idea of eating mammal meat, and now that I have, I've been thinking of things that sound good that I want. I concluded meatball subs, cheeseburgers, Taco Bell, sloppy joes, and chicken burritos. The only downside to that is that I'll probs have to spend money on them, which I hate the thought of. I've also concluded that I'll eat meat 1.) If it truly sounds good and 2.) If there are no other means of adequate nutrition around. Mammal meat just really never sounds too great, so if I can eat without it, I'm going to eat like a "normal" person and eat what I like. Fingers crossed I can stay in that mind set of "intuitive" eating and not make it about fearing food.
Even though my meal tonight wasn't necessarily world's best, it was a major step. Looking back, I wish I would have just gotten a meatball sub from Subway, but that can be for another day. I'm actually kind of excited for my re-discovered meat consumption because it opens up the door for even more options of things I can eat when I'm out. I'm really hoping it makes my hair grow really long, too. So as of November 12, 2013, call me an omnivore. At least for now...
Sunday, November 10, 2013
A Big Ol' Slab of Meat
I can't decide whether or not I should start eating meat again. You see, I started considering eating meat again a few weeks ago in order to aid in my recovery. I feel as though it would help the recovery process go faster and maybe even be better all around. I'm having a hard time, though, because I've formed a lot of my identity out of being vegetarian. There lies my struggle: being a vegetarian isn't who I am, it's an aspect of me. I want to have my identity be in Christ, but instead a great deal of it lies in my vegetarian lifestyle, which I don't think is good. The only reason that I'm a vegetarian now is because 1.) I think it sounds cool 2.) It's easier 3.) I'm used to it 4.) Meat doesn't sound good 5.) I want to beat my Dad (who was vegetarian for 17 years) 6.) EVEN THOUGH IT'S THE FARTHEST THING FROM THE TRUTH, I feel like I would be disappointing my Dad (which I can't stand the thought of) 7.) I'd feel like a failure if I ate meat 8.) It's one way I can restrict. Now, I know that none of these are legitamate reasons for living such a lifestyle, and the last one is blatantly obvious that I shouldn't be. But it's so hard.
I am terrified. The aspect of giving my diet/lifestyle up scares the jeepers out of me. I talked to my therapist last week, and she said that she thought I should eat meat. I talked to my Dad, and he said that I should eat meat. I talked to my closest friends, and they all said that I should eat meat. I talked to one of the nutritionists at I.O.P. last week, and she told me that I could recover either way. We made a pros and cons list, which went something like this...
Pros of staying vegetarian:
I don't have to change
I can keep my identity of vegetarianism
I can live the lifestyle I think is so cool
I have more options of nutritious vegetarian food in college
I have more options of nutritious vegetarian food now that I'm not as scared to eat it
Vegetarianism is gaining popularity, making it easier to find vegetarian options
Cons of being vegetarian:
I see myself as being a vegetarian instead of Zoe
It's a way for me to restrict
There are more readily available sources of meat in the world
Meat is more nutrient-dense
There are more pros, I guess, than cons, but I also guess it's one of those "more bang for your buck" situations (if that makes sense). There may be more pros, but the reasoning behind the cons are more logical.
I was an emotional wreck this weekend because of this decision that I need to make. I'm having such a hard time because I ultimately feel like God is calling me to eat meat. I feel like my diet is shifting my focus away from Him. Again, I get my identity out of my vegetarian lifestyle instead of God, which is a major problem. I'm so stinking scared to give it up, though. That's a problem that all Christians who feel a call from God that they may not be keen on go through, though. I'm terrified because I feel as though God is calling me to eat meat and I'm not ready for it. I want to respond to His call, but I'm just so scared. I know it sounds ridiculous and stupid (at least to me) when I think about it: it's just food, eat it. But then I think of other things: if I eat meat, I feel like I'll start restricting myself of other foods (like grains, dessert, ice cream, cheese) that I've just started to eat again. I'm scared that eating meat will make me "fat," even though logically I know that's not true; there are a ton of anorexics who eat meat, for Pete's pampers. This disease is not a good time, man.
Here's what I've concluded: I have to start eating meat. Not necessarily for my health, but for my spirituality. I could recover from my eating disorder as a vegetarian, but I think my walk with God will be minimized. I've resolved that I'm just going to try meat again. I don't know when, I don't know how, and I don't know what it will be, but at some point within this next week, I'm at least going to try it. I may not keep up with it, but I'm going to try. I'm also going to pray that God reveals to me if it really is what He wants for me. I just want to serve and honor Him in everything I do, and if that includes doing something that pulls me out of my comfort zone, so be it. Yes, I'm scared out of my whits, but I know that everything that God does in my life is for my own good. I'm not going to lie, I don't feel God at all in my life right now. I don't know why I have such a hard time deciding whether or not to eat meat, why I have this burden of an eating disorder, why I can't think like a normal person, why I can't eat like a normal person, why I can't just serve God like I want to. Still, I know God is there, and He loves me. My hope lies in Him. I'm having a hard time trusting Him right now, but I trust that He will do what is best for me. So Zoe and meat....to be continued...
"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us a glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes, not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
-2 Corinthians 4:17-18
I am terrified. The aspect of giving my diet/lifestyle up scares the jeepers out of me. I talked to my therapist last week, and she said that she thought I should eat meat. I talked to my Dad, and he said that I should eat meat. I talked to my closest friends, and they all said that I should eat meat. I talked to one of the nutritionists at I.O.P. last week, and she told me that I could recover either way. We made a pros and cons list, which went something like this...
Pros of staying vegetarian:
I don't have to change
I can keep my identity of vegetarianism
I can live the lifestyle I think is so cool
I have more options of nutritious vegetarian food in college
I have more options of nutritious vegetarian food now that I'm not as scared to eat it
Vegetarianism is gaining popularity, making it easier to find vegetarian options
Cons of being vegetarian:
I see myself as being a vegetarian instead of Zoe
It's a way for me to restrict
There are more readily available sources of meat in the world
Meat is more nutrient-dense
There are more pros, I guess, than cons, but I also guess it's one of those "more bang for your buck" situations (if that makes sense). There may be more pros, but the reasoning behind the cons are more logical.
I was an emotional wreck this weekend because of this decision that I need to make. I'm having such a hard time because I ultimately feel like God is calling me to eat meat. I feel like my diet is shifting my focus away from Him. Again, I get my identity out of my vegetarian lifestyle instead of God, which is a major problem. I'm so stinking scared to give it up, though. That's a problem that all Christians who feel a call from God that they may not be keen on go through, though. I'm terrified because I feel as though God is calling me to eat meat and I'm not ready for it. I want to respond to His call, but I'm just so scared. I know it sounds ridiculous and stupid (at least to me) when I think about it: it's just food, eat it. But then I think of other things: if I eat meat, I feel like I'll start restricting myself of other foods (like grains, dessert, ice cream, cheese) that I've just started to eat again. I'm scared that eating meat will make me "fat," even though logically I know that's not true; there are a ton of anorexics who eat meat, for Pete's pampers. This disease is not a good time, man.
Here's what I've concluded: I have to start eating meat. Not necessarily for my health, but for my spirituality. I could recover from my eating disorder as a vegetarian, but I think my walk with God will be minimized. I've resolved that I'm just going to try meat again. I don't know when, I don't know how, and I don't know what it will be, but at some point within this next week, I'm at least going to try it. I may not keep up with it, but I'm going to try. I'm also going to pray that God reveals to me if it really is what He wants for me. I just want to serve and honor Him in everything I do, and if that includes doing something that pulls me out of my comfort zone, so be it. Yes, I'm scared out of my whits, but I know that everything that God does in my life is for my own good. I'm not going to lie, I don't feel God at all in my life right now. I don't know why I have such a hard time deciding whether or not to eat meat, why I have this burden of an eating disorder, why I can't think like a normal person, why I can't eat like a normal person, why I can't just serve God like I want to. Still, I know God is there, and He loves me. My hope lies in Him. I'm having a hard time trusting Him right now, but I trust that He will do what is best for me. So Zoe and meat....to be continued...
"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us a glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes, not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
-2 Corinthians 4:17-18
Friday, November 1, 2013
One Week Later
It's been a little over one week (I say a little over because it's one hour and 27 minutes past midnight) since my challenge ended. Here's how things have been going...
Not too hot. I haven't been following my meal plan to a tee anymore. Actually, I haven't really been following it at all. I've been trying to eat intuitively, but I've realized that I can't do that effectively or normally yet. I haven't been eating as much as I know I should be. I take into account the different food groups that I need, but I eat what I think sounds good. However, I've realized that my fears and preoccupations with food and certain food groups re-surface when I'm not following the meal plan. For example, if I have a bagel for breakfast, I'll be timid to eat carbs the rest of the day even though I technically need at least 6 more grain servings. I've been more relaxed with fruits and vegetables, as those are fairly low-calorie foods, and I do love them the most (at least, I think it's me who loves them and not my eating disorder...). I'm still planning my eating plans for each day ahead of time (which is still really annoying and makes me hate my life a little bit), but I do it differently than I did when I was following my meal plan. I think about what I'm going to eat, but not how I'm going to get all of my servings in. For the past two days, I've been trying to get back on track, but it hasn't been going too hot. I'll try again tomorrow, but the way my mind is working right now, it doesn't seem too likely; hopefully I'm wrong and I can beat my eating disordered thoughts. Welcome to the never-ending battle with an eating disorder.
Today was a good day, even though my eating wasn't too hot. I woke up at 2:30 to take my friend, Camille, to the airport with my other friend Ruth. We got back around 5 and went back to bed. I woke up around 9:30 to get ready to go to an academic advising session with my advisor at 10:30. I got dressed and ready, read my Bible and daily devotion, and debated whether or not to have a Boost or Balance bar...I went with the Balance bar. After sitting in my advisor's office for half an hour, he didn't show up, so I re-scheduled for noon, and went to my Mission of the Church Class at 11. I returned to his office at 12, waited for 45 minutes, and then left. HOWEVER, I met him as I was leaving and he apologized for making me wait. We then went on to have my advising session, and I went on my way. Oh, I also switched my major this week from Intercultural Studies to Anthropology. I don't know what I'm going to do yet; all I know is that I want to travel, do something with and to help people, and something to further God's kingdom. I also think that I might want to do something dealing with body image because I've formed a bit of a passion for it the past couple of years, but I'm not sure what I could do with that. Anyway, I LOVE MY NEW ADVISOR! He's awesome (even though he made me wait a little bit. But that's okay because I had good ol' Candy Crush to keep me occupied). After my advising session, I returned to my dorm, read for my Global Perspectives seminar quiz, ate some carrots, and then went to withdraw from a class. I then went to check my mail and then I went to my Global Perspectives Class. After that, I went to my true home...you guessed it...Starbucks. I went with my friends Ruth, Heather, Lori, and Melissa. We took homework and study stuff to keep budy and make it a productive trip. I got a venti mocha light frappucino, and I got it FOR FREE because I had a freebie reward! BOOM! I talked to the supervisor about the application that I turned in a week ago, she took my name and availability, and now we play the waiting game...fingers crossed. We stayed at Starbucks for nearly 2 hours (it was beautiful), and I got a good deal of a paper done.
We returned to campus around 6ish, and went to dinner. Good food night at the dining hall, as I had lemon dill cod, steamed broccoli and carrots, and mixed fruit. And a couple bites of a peanut butter cookie. After dinner, we went to Melissa's room (she lives in a different, suite-style dorm), and had a movie party. It was fun. Melissa had a big box of candy and goodies that her family sent her for her birthday and she let us have whatever we wanted out of it. I had some fruit snacks, gum, and a cosmic brownie. Now, I was timid to have the brownie because I was a little afraid of it, I didn't know if I really wanted it, and because I'm a weirdo. I decided just to eat it, though, because I'm a college kid with my friends who are eating whatever they want without thinking about it and enjoying it. And you know what? I enjoyed it, and that's all that matters. We watched "Cabin In The Woods" which was really dumb, and "Side Effects" which was alright. We left around midnight to return to the dorm. My friends went to sleep, and I sat down to finish the paper that I worked on at Starbucks. I called my mom and talked to her for about 19 minutes, put "Blue's Clues" on Amazon Prime (nothing else sounded good...), and here we are now....
So, to wrap it up: I haven't been following my meal plan which is proving to be an issue. So what am I going to do you ask? I'm going to get back into the habit of it. Through my research during the project, I learned that it takes 6-12 months minimum to recover from food-obsessed thoughts, as long as you keep up with re-nourishing your body (which is what the meal plan does). Since I LOATHE this stupid food obsession, I have no choice but to do this meal plan. While I'm not going to stress out about making sure that I follow it 100%, I am at least going to follow it as best as I can throughout the day. I'm also going to keep enjoying Starbucks. And hopefully I'll get a job there. And I'll keep doing "normal" college kid stuff, like watching movies with my friends and eating Little Debbies just because. And I'll work on papers that aren't due for another week at one in the morning. And I'll watch "Blue's Clue's" and "Spongebob," gosh darn it. As they say, "YOLO."
Not too hot. I haven't been following my meal plan to a tee anymore. Actually, I haven't really been following it at all. I've been trying to eat intuitively, but I've realized that I can't do that effectively or normally yet. I haven't been eating as much as I know I should be. I take into account the different food groups that I need, but I eat what I think sounds good. However, I've realized that my fears and preoccupations with food and certain food groups re-surface when I'm not following the meal plan. For example, if I have a bagel for breakfast, I'll be timid to eat carbs the rest of the day even though I technically need at least 6 more grain servings. I've been more relaxed with fruits and vegetables, as those are fairly low-calorie foods, and I do love them the most (at least, I think it's me who loves them and not my eating disorder...). I'm still planning my eating plans for each day ahead of time (which is still really annoying and makes me hate my life a little bit), but I do it differently than I did when I was following my meal plan. I think about what I'm going to eat, but not how I'm going to get all of my servings in. For the past two days, I've been trying to get back on track, but it hasn't been going too hot. I'll try again tomorrow, but the way my mind is working right now, it doesn't seem too likely; hopefully I'm wrong and I can beat my eating disordered thoughts. Welcome to the never-ending battle with an eating disorder.
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| The weather on November 1 in Cleveland, TN (HALLELUJAH! It was beautiful!) |
Today was a good day, even though my eating wasn't too hot. I woke up at 2:30 to take my friend, Camille, to the airport with my other friend Ruth. We got back around 5 and went back to bed. I woke up around 9:30 to get ready to go to an academic advising session with my advisor at 10:30. I got dressed and ready, read my Bible and daily devotion, and debated whether or not to have a Boost or Balance bar...I went with the Balance bar. After sitting in my advisor's office for half an hour, he didn't show up, so I re-scheduled for noon, and went to my Mission of the Church Class at 11. I returned to his office at 12, waited for 45 minutes, and then left. HOWEVER, I met him as I was leaving and he apologized for making me wait. We then went on to have my advising session, and I went on my way. Oh, I also switched my major this week from Intercultural Studies to Anthropology. I don't know what I'm going to do yet; all I know is that I want to travel, do something with and to help people, and something to further God's kingdom. I also think that I might want to do something dealing with body image because I've formed a bit of a passion for it the past couple of years, but I'm not sure what I could do with that. Anyway, I LOVE MY NEW ADVISOR! He's awesome (even though he made me wait a little bit. But that's okay because I had good ol' Candy Crush to keep me occupied). After my advising session, I returned to my dorm, read for my Global Perspectives seminar quiz, ate some carrots, and then went to withdraw from a class. I then went to check my mail and then I went to my Global Perspectives Class. After that, I went to my true home...you guessed it...Starbucks. I went with my friends Ruth, Heather, Lori, and Melissa. We took homework and study stuff to keep budy and make it a productive trip. I got a venti mocha light frappucino, and I got it FOR FREE because I had a freebie reward! BOOM! I talked to the supervisor about the application that I turned in a week ago, she took my name and availability, and now we play the waiting game...fingers crossed. We stayed at Starbucks for nearly 2 hours (it was beautiful), and I got a good deal of a paper done.
 |
| Being a hipster, working on a laptop with my coffee beverage, at Starbucks. |
 |
| My second beverage at Starbucks...I'm not addicted... |
We returned to campus around 6ish, and went to dinner. Good food night at the dining hall, as I had lemon dill cod, steamed broccoli and carrots, and mixed fruit. And a couple bites of a peanut butter cookie. After dinner, we went to Melissa's room (she lives in a different, suite-style dorm), and had a movie party. It was fun. Melissa had a big box of candy and goodies that her family sent her for her birthday and she let us have whatever we wanted out of it. I had some fruit snacks, gum, and a cosmic brownie. Now, I was timid to have the brownie because I was a little afraid of it, I didn't know if I really wanted it, and because I'm a weirdo. I decided just to eat it, though, because I'm a college kid with my friends who are eating whatever they want without thinking about it and enjoying it. And you know what? I enjoyed it, and that's all that matters. We watched "Cabin In The Woods" which was really dumb, and "Side Effects" which was alright. We left around midnight to return to the dorm. My friends went to sleep, and I sat down to finish the paper that I worked on at Starbucks. I called my mom and talked to her for about 19 minutes, put "Blue's Clues" on Amazon Prime (nothing else sounded good...), and here we are now....
So, to wrap it up: I haven't been following my meal plan which is proving to be an issue. So what am I going to do you ask? I'm going to get back into the habit of it. Through my research during the project, I learned that it takes 6-12 months minimum to recover from food-obsessed thoughts, as long as you keep up with re-nourishing your body (which is what the meal plan does). Since I LOATHE this stupid food obsession, I have no choice but to do this meal plan. While I'm not going to stress out about making sure that I follow it 100%, I am at least going to follow it as best as I can throughout the day. I'm also going to keep enjoying Starbucks. And hopefully I'll get a job there. And I'll keep doing "normal" college kid stuff, like watching movies with my friends and eating Little Debbies just because. And I'll work on papers that aren't due for another week at one in the morning. And I'll watch "Blue's Clue's" and "Spongebob," gosh darn it. As they say, "YOLO."
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