How I Am The Worst At College

Shalom mis amigos! This morning I went to River Road Coffeehouse in Newark to spend some time with God. I got a mocha with skim milk. I learned that soy milk truly is far superior to cow milk in pretty much everything. So everyone, remember: spending the extra 50-70 cents on soy milk (or any milk alternative) is worth it in your espresso beverages. Now, you may be asking "why were you at a coffee shop in Newark on a Wednesday when you're supposed to be at school in Tennessee?" Well, funny story about that...I left Lee...again...for the third time. Yes, I officially win the award for being the worst at doing college. But, here's the thing...I just don't care. I came home for Fall break this past weekend. It was so great! I got to go to my favorite restaurants, spend time in Columbus, celebrate my brother's and my best friend's birthdays, go to church, and just be in Ohio. My anxiety was not nearly as bad as it had been in Tennessee. I felt so much peace about being here. My parents and I had been talking about me staying home for about a week, and I couldn't make up my mind about it. I was torn: should I go back and be miserable at Lee, with my only hope being that the semester would soon be over and I could come home? Or should I just withdraw, stay home, not live in fear of having another horrible panic attack, and waste $5,000 dollars on half a semester of school that I won't get credit for my classes? Well, I chose the second option, and here's why... From the first day that I reached Lee's campus, I never felt an inkling of peace about being there. I missed home. I missed the cold, the reply of "I-O" to an "O-H", going to breakfast, going on bagel and Jesus dates with my friends, and just being in the North. At Lee, I was involved in things, but I never felt joy in doing any of them. There was honestly nothing besides my friends that I liked about Lee or the south. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Why in the heck would you go back for a third time if you knew that you didn't like it down there?" Well, at the time, I really thought that my love for my friends outweighed the cost, my own health, and what God really wanted me to do. While my friends are great and I love them with all of my heart, they do not, in fact, outweigh where God is leading me and what He wants me to do. Looking back, I 100% believe that it was my flesh that wanted to return to Lee, and not the Lord. Oopsie. In terms of my career and life, I started second guessing that after I went to the National Eating Disorder Association conference in California a few weeks ago. After hearing what some people struggle with in their eating disorder, and hearing how much school I would have to go through to get to what I wanted to be (a counselor for people with eating disorders), I felt so overwhelmed. I have no motivation to do school and I just want to be done already, so the thought of spending 4-5 more years in school hurt my soul. I also don't think that I could emotionally or mentally handle all that comes with the psychological aspects of counseling people with eating disorders. I still want to help people of that population, but counseling would just be too much for me. With that, I started thinking about alternative careers I could do that would be less school, something I love, and something where I could serve God. I considered flight attending or being a travel agent. Then, I came across a dietetic and nutrition assistant. I've been interested in nutrition for a long time, and I've always thought it would be cool to work in that field, especially with people with eating disorders. I found that one of the community colleges around here offers it as a two year program. I then found a residential facility in Cleveland, Ohio where they were hiring for a dietetic assistant, and the requirements were that degree. I was stoked! Obviously, I wouldn't be applying for that position any time soon, but the fact that it existed got me hyped. The only problem is that I have wasted 3 semesters at school for credits that I won't even need. Honestly, I don't care. You live and you learn. I mean, yes, I've wasted a lot of money and time, but sometimes you've got to go where God leads you, and I believe He led me to Lee every time I went and left, and then went, and left, and went again. The current worry with school is that I probably won't have enough money to pay for it. Since I withdrew early, I will probably owe money because of financial aid stuff, which will drain my bank account. It stinks, but I would still rather be home and have to pay than still be down there. I may have to wait a few years before returning to get my degree, but I'm okay with that because I'm already so done with school. I just want to be done. So, now I'm sitting at home, writing a blog. I started a show on Netflix about the Penatonix. And that's what will be my life for a bit: watching Netflix, spending time with the Lord, working on my cooking skills, maybe reading books, doing work for my family when they need it...just real chill stuff. I applied at River Road because it has been my dream to work there since I was a kid. I decided that I would wait to apply to other places for a bit in case they do call me. If not, then I will search elsewhere for a job (though it will be sad). And then I guess I'll just work full time until I get enough money to pay for school. I'm not sure how you are reading this. I'm sure a lot of it sounds depressing and sad. But please know, that is not the case. I am happy with the decision I've made. It is a little embarrassing for me to have left school three times, but at the same time, I just don't care. I am doing what is best for me, and I'm doing my best to go where God leads me. I don't have a very good record with doing that, but that's part of the process. I'm still learning to discern God's voice from my own. Just yesterday, I felt like God was calling me to eat oatmeal for breakfast instead of going out and buying breakfast, so I begrudgingly made oatmeal, which wasn't bad. I'm trying to find God's voice in my little, every day decisions in order to be able to hear Him when I try and make the big ones. To my friends at Lee: I'm sorry if I didn't say goodbye. I hate saying goodbye, and I am a little embarrassed about leaving. Please know that I love you all, and you have helped make me the person I am today. To my family and friends in Ohio: I'm back and don't have much to do right now, so let's get together! In terms of what you can pray for me for, that I get a job I love, that money works out, and for my overall health. Thank you all for loving, supporting, and praying for me. I will be back to Tennessee to visit, and Ohio is always ready to welcome you!

Home Is Wherever My Heart Is

"Did she go to Lee?" "Did she stay home?" "Why hasn't she updated this in months?" Fear not! All of your biggest life questions will be answered! And I apologize that I suck at keeping this blog updated.... woops. When we last left, I was contemplating whether or not I would return to Lee. Well, a decision was made...I DID return to Lee. I spent a few nights tossing and turning because I was so stressed out and anxious about making a decision of whether or not to come back. I missed my friends, I missed the campus, I missed being a normal college kid. On the other hand, I was doing really well in my recovery at home, I had a good job, I had made new friends that I'm really quite fond of, and it would be cheaper for me to go to Ohio State. The way that I saw it was like my head was in Ohio but my heart was in Tennessee. So, I listened to my heart and decided to come back to Lee. Before returning, though, there was summer. To be honest, it was the best summer that I've had in about 7 or 8 years. I wasn't afraid of food, spending money, or living. I made really beautiful friendships where we could have intimate Jesus talks and go on adventures. I went to Panera to spend time with Jesus a lot. I just spent time with Jesus more than I ever had before. I went to the gym and got ripped. I ate bagels almost daily and did so without being afraid of their effect on my body. It was just great all around. However, I missed the people I consider my best friends at Lee, and that is what ultimately made up my mind about whether or not to return. So I got back in August, and my family brought me down. I was so looking forward to it because it was like a little vacation for us, and it was just so great to be around my family. And then they left, and my heart was sad. How could that be? I was in the place my heart was most happy...or so I thought. The first couple of days back were extremely stressful. I haven't been in school since last December, so getting back into a routine of classes was a bit overwhelming. My student loans and financial aid didn't work out like they used to and that caused a whole mess of stress. I picked up the routine of going to bed around 10 at the latest over the summer, and all of my friends at Lee stay up to the wee hours of dawn...I can't. I love my friends, but I feel like I never see them. I sleep a lot now because I honestly don't have anything better to do. I really just don't care about studying or doing the whole school thing. And then one weekend I realized it...I'm depressed. It's a weird feeling of depression, though, one I've never experienced before. I feel very optimistic and positive like I usually am, but I feel physically depressed. The only time I get excited is when I think about going home for fall or winter break. I miss the north. I miss the cold. I miss Ohio....I NEVER dreamed I would say any of those things, but here we are. I realized that I really don't like Lee. Like, the only reason I'm there is for my friends, which I've admitted before. I feel disconnected from God when I'm there (which I don't understand), and the vibes are all off there. I haven't felt any sense of peace since the moment our tires hit Tennessee soil. Another big stressor the first few days back were with...you guessed it...food. Who would've thought? I was so stressed out my eating got kind of bad. Not as bad as in the past, but definitely no Bueno. I realized that I was seriously limiting myself on what I was eating, so I made a choice that has helped TREMENDOUSLY...I FINALLY went vegan! Now, I know, "how does going vegan help you NOT limit?" Well, I realized that I was restricting vital nutrients (i.e. carbs) because I figured I didn't need them because I still consumed dairy products. This doesn't make any sense nutritionally, but it's the way my mind works. So, I ate all of my non-vegan food (I didn't want to waste it), and took the plunge. So far it has been AWESOME! I'm eating foods I actually love freely, and I've discovered some new tasty vegan treats (hello soy latte from Starbucks). Since I haven't felt peace or happiness about being at Lee, I made a decision I'm 99.9% sure on: I'll be returning home to Ohio next semester. I feel so much peace and excitement over this decision. Sure, I'm a little embarrassed that this will be my third time leaving Lee, but this time it's on MY terms and NOT my illness'. I really just don't care if people think anything about it. My family and friends are supportive, and that's what matters. The big thing now is to earnestly seek the Lord's will for this. It's hard to remember, but it's a big decision I need to be in prayer about (and I admit, I haven't been as much as I should). I do believe, though, that the Lord can speak through feelings, people, and situations. I feel peace about going back. I've been told that money isn't working out at Lee, and I've been told that I'll be supported no matter what choice I make. I here the song by Ed Sheeran that says "wait for me to come home" pretty much everyday since I've started considering returning. There was also a night this summer where I was up all night anxious and stressed trying to decide whether or not to return to Lee, and the words "I want you here" came into my head. I didn't know if that was God or me, but I chose to believe it was just me. It's a battle in my head, though, because what if that's all just me wanting to go home? I'm confused because I thought returning to Lee was me and not God, and now I'm wondering if that night God really did say "I want you here" and meant in Ohio. #prayerprobz. I'm looking into Ohio Christian University, and then obviously OSU-N as a backup. I'm really hoping I like Ohio Christian and that the financing part works out because I could still have my dream college experience, potentially meet a good Christian man, my credits appear to be able to transfer beautifully, and I would be in the place I love. I'll keep you posted on my end decision, hopefully before I'm there. For now, prayers for God's guidance, strength, and determination are what I need. Thanks, fam. PEACE ONE LOVE.

Helllo, Denver

Hello anyone who still actually reads this! I'm sorry for not posting in forever and a day. I would like to say "I've been busy," but in reality, I've been lazy and caught up in myself. I feel like a lot yet little has happened or changed since I last posted, but things certainly have changed. I want to try and tell you about my life since my prior post... So, my first semester back at Lee was...okay. Like I said before, I was having a hard time with not having new friends and not knowing what I wanted to do. Well, that was a little more than a hard time apparently. In my Foundations of Western Culture class, we were assigned to read "The Iliad" and I did not read "The Iliad" because I had a hard time focusing and understanding the language...that is until a Friday when I realized "Oh....I have a test over this next week." I then decided to take it upon myself to read the entire Iliad in two days. Bad. Choice. I did nothing but read. I started getting dizzy, having headaches, shortness of breath, and my heart would beat really fast. That Sunday, I woke up at like 4 in the morning with chest pain and my breathing was off, so I texted my dad (who I knew would be awake), and told him what was going on and what to do. He advised me to go to the health clinic when it opened (if I didn't think the ER was necessary), so I did. They told me it was anxiety and if it happened again or persisted to go to the ER, which I ended up doing later that night. They also told me that it was anxiety (after making a snarky, rude comment about eating that ticked me off). Later, I looked up anxiety and anxiety attacks, and as it turned out, I was experiencing my first REAL (I faked one my sophomore year to get out of golfing an 18-hole golf tournament) anxiety attack. Apparently my weekend with "The Iliad" provoked a full on panic attack, which ended up lasting about two weeks on and off. Frickin' Homer. I researched anxiety more, gave up/tried to give up caffeine, and there was that. I had BAD anxiety. My new found anxiety was completely new to me and I didn't know how to deal with it. On top of that, I was in a biology class that made me want to throw and break things, the rest of my classes were slightly challenging (but I enjoyed them), and I was just stressed. I interviewed for a group on campus called S.W.A.T. (Students With A Testimony), and I LOVED the people and the ministry in itself (essentially, they lead small groups on weekend retreats for kids from 6th-12th grade). I made it into the group, and I was so stoked for my new friends and the opportunity. The same week as the interviews, I went to talk with an academic advisor in the business program, told him what I kind of wanted to do with my life, and asked if that program would work for my goals, and he said it would be perfect for it. The next day, we had something called "Celebration" to celebrate all of the accomplishments and donors and people and what not of Lee, and all of the students were required to go listen to one out of a ton of speeches being given by people that Lee brought into speak. I went to a speech from this dude who opened a coffee shop and travels around the world to source the beans. I don't know if I ever wrote about the idea I had last year of a career, but one thing I had toyed around with was opening a coffee shop (like Starbucks, or River Road for those in the 740), travel to 3rd world countries, make it a mission field for Christ, source the beans there, and then travel back to the states and sell the coffee in the shop and tell the stories of the people. Hearing that talk confirmed it. I had to do my coffee shop thang. I declared my major as Business Administration with an emphasis in International Business as soon as I could and I was so excited for my life and all of the opportunities and blessings God was giving me...and then I got a call from mom... The same day as the Celebration, I received a very frantic phone call from my mother, who I could tell was balling her eyes out. All she said was "Your dad called the health clinic, and he told me what you weigh. We're coming to get you and you're going to treatment." My heart stopped. I was devastated. I spent the next two hours talking to my mom and my dad on the phone, convincing them that I was okay. My parents, being the loving yet enabling people they are (sorry, but you know that it's true), let me stay on the condition that I would eat and go to the health clinic every week for weigh-ins. Of course, I agreed to it but didn't follow through. Ah yes, the eating thing...well, that didn't happen. I would eat, but VERY little and nothing of substantial caloric count. There was a day where I decided to just say "eff it" and I decided to feed my body what it wanted and just eat what I wanted; that ended quickly The only thing that I would consume before noon was coffee, vegetables for lunch, and then something like cereal and soy milk or vegetables and a veggie burger for dinner, copious amounts of diet soda to satisfy my hunger through the night, and then always something before bed. Carbohydrates from grains became my biggest fear, calories became the enemy, and I continued to spiral. I experienced my first "binge" on Halloween day after I hadn't eaten anything but carrots all day. I know it was a binge because I completely lost control and was almost out of my body yet shoving fistful after fistful of Fritos, candy corn, and other candies into my mouth with no real reason to. As I was doing it, I would tell myself "I'm just feeding myself what my body wanted," but it soon became "You're so stupid," "guilty," "how could you have done that?", "fat", "moron," etc. I hated myself. I told my friends that it was happening and asked for them to pray for me. I called my dad on the verge of tears. I told myself to restrict and make up for it the next 3 days, but after those 3 days were over, the guilt remained and I continued restricting the best I could. I went to my best friend/roommate's house for Thanksgiving and ate little to nothing. It was the strangest and "best" Thanksgiving of my life because they didn't have a normal Thanksgiving meal, so I got away with eating vegetables for dinner. My eating disorder behaviors had gotten worse and they were bad while I was on campus. I ordered skim milk and sugar free syrups in my coffee specialty drinks, I HAD to watch them make it to ensure that it was made in the right way and if not it had to be re-made, I had to customize all of my foods to make them have the least calories possible, and the list goes on. My eating disorder had taken over, and I didn't care. I didn't care that I was destroying myself. I didn't care that I was light-years away from God (but He was always right besides me). I didn't care that, from hundreds of miles away, I was destroying my family. I didn't care that my speech was beginning to slur, I wanted to sleep all of the time, my feet and hands fell asleep very easily, my ears started to ache in a way that they never had before, and I was freezing allllllllllllll of the time. My hair never fell out, though, so there's a plus. When exam time came around, I came to a point where I just didn't care and I wanted to go home. I wanted the stress of eating and spending money and life to be over, so I didn't care at all what my grades were. I ended up getting 3 A's, a B-, and a C (in biology, which I was NOT expecting), so I guess I did well despite my deteriorating self. 3 of my absolute, best of the best ever best friends came home took a little road trip to Ohio with me to spend a few days exploring my fatherland. It was so much fun. When they left, I was so upset because I wanted to be back at Lee with them and not at home. I LOVE my friends so much! We grew so super close over the semester. We made plans to get a house together next year, plans for our weddings, and our lives were in the palms of our hands and we could be together through all of it. The rest of my break was okay. I didn't do much because I didn't work, but I made plans, which stressed me out to the EXTREME. I had to make sure that I did all of the things that I planned to do with my friends from back home. A lot of what I planned centered around food and eating, so I would have to plan my days around that which added stress. If I went out for coffee with a friend in the morning and got a muffin, I'd have to make sure I could get around having other grain-type carbs the rest of the day; stuff like that. I slept with my mom the entire time (despite Ringo [my dog] trying to guard the bed from me) because my room was the coldest room in the house. Even then, my mom got to a point where she could barely look at me because she couldn't stand the sight of what I was doing to myself. We couldn't have a conversation where I didn't get mad and yell at her for bothering me about my eating stuff, or the conversation just feeling forced and unnatural. I eventually agreed to go see my old physician, which never happened...but this time for a different reason than the usual "I don't want to go to the doctor" bit... On New Years Eve, I felt a lot of pressure in my chest, my breathing was really off and weird, and I felt so weak. I told my dad, and he asked if I wanted to go to the hospital, which I said "not right now" to. The next day, we went to see "The Hobbit" (our tradition; though I don't know what we'll do now that the saga has ended...) and we spent the night at home. Around 8, one of my best friends was on his way over when I told him that I felt sick and to go home. I knew it was coming, so I wanted to get it over with ASAP so I could have a chance of making it back to school on time: I asked to go to the hospital. I was admitted on New Years Day and spent 10 days in there. The moment I was admitted, I knew going back to school wasn't an option. If it was, my parents were the biggest morons on the face of the earth. I ultimately decided to admit myself (since I'm 19), but the only reason that I did was because my parents told me to; I would have been completely fine with going home, though the thought of a break from all of my eating disorder stress did sound appealing. I spent my first 3 or 4 days in the hospital feeling guilty, ashamed, and stupid for admitting myself: I could have gone back to school and my life would have been normal. On top of that, they made me either eat meat or take Ensure because I had eaten meat last year; I was hungry so I ate the stinkin' animal flesh...gross. The discussions of treatment centers followed, and the calls to places ranging from Florida, to Indiana, to Oklahoma began. I began to be okay with the thought of treatment. I started to look at schools online so I wouldn't fall terribly behind, and I might even be starting class this coming Monday (that's still up in the air). I asked if I could be discharged before breakfast when I was told my release date so dad and I could go to one of my breakfast places in the C-Bus, which they agreed to! Unfortunately, after being discharged on Sunday morning at 7:30 a.m., dad and I went to Tasi, where I got my usual (Greek yogurt with granola, fruit, and honey) despite really wanting a pancake. As I watched the chef prepare my dish, pouring on calories on top of calories of honey, I instantly regretted my choice. As I ate it, I thought of how stupid I was for ordering something higher in calories and price because I was scared of the grain-carbs in the pancake. Stupid. Just stupid. The next two days were rough because there was nothing but arguing over me not eating, my parents having the biggest fight I've ever heard them have over me, and just a bunch of stupid stuff that I caused. Oh yeah, I ate and did perfectly fine in the hospital, but eating at home, I realized, is hard for me/I just can't do it. On Monday, after 300 phone calls and a lot of anxiety, I booked a plane ticket to Denver, Colorado to go to treatment (which is where we had decided that I would be going to treatment, btw.) So, here I am: at the Eating Recovery Center in Denver, Colorado. It's Saturday and virtually nothing happens on weekends. I've been doing very well. When I'm in treatment, I have no problem eating (it's home where the challenge lies), and I've already moved to what they consider to be a level two...in only 4 days! WOO! I've been my real happy and positive self, though on Wednesday I thought about how I would soon be gaining weight and my clothes would start to get tight, so that will be telling once it really begins to happen. The food here is decent; not as good as Rosewood, but decent. I haven't really slept since getting here (or for quite some time leading up to it). I still have rolly veins that make it difficult to draw blood...nothing very new. I've started reading two devotion books a day, books about spirituality and God, and talking to my peers about God...why does it take something as devastating as my life getting rocked off the wagon wheel with Darius Rucker (I've also started to enjoy country music...I don't know what's happening to me), dropping out of school (I dropped out of Lee...again), going to treatment, and essentially having no control of my life to draw me into seeking God? I guess that's the way most humans work. Right now, I feel happy and content. I'm okay with being here because it's what my family wants. I'm okay with leaving Lee because I realized the only reason I was there was for my friends (which isn't the best reason to drop so much cash on a school). I'm okay with where I am in life. However, I'm terrified of gaining weight because no one really knows what my "normal weight is"...I've never had one. I'm terrified because I remember what I looked like and how massive I felt last year when I got out of treatment and I don't want to go back to that. I'm terrified that my treatment team is going to make me bigger than I should/want to be. The funny thing is, I'm not afraid of my eating disorder. I certainly don't want it, but I'm not afraid of it like I am gaining weight. If you ask me if I want to get better, I'll tell you the honest truth: no. I really don't want to get better. There is too much safety and certainty in my eating disorder that I'm not ready to give up. However, I'm going to get better for my family because I can't stand the sight of seeing my little brother cry his eyes out because he doesn't think I'm going to wake up in the morning to tell him about a poop I took. My family is my inspiration. God is my inspiration. I guess this is just one of those things where I'm going to cast my anxieties upon the Lord, and try and rest knowing that I'm made in His perfect image. Life doesn't suck yet, but when it does, I hope that I can turn to God and really rely on him versus relying on starving myself for peace.

UPDATES

Hi! Okay, so if you read my last post, you have probably been on the edge of your seat and unable to sleep at night because I said that I would write about updates on my life and details of my summer. Well, calm down...I giveth you the updates...eth? Yeah. Thanks Shakespeare. You're a bro with your Olde English. We last left off on my life post-California, which looking back on was one of the worst decisions I've ever made. Again, I loved seeing my friend and I went to Disneyland, but the stress during the trip and repercussions following it were NOT worth it. When I returned, the stress that I felt on the trip continued into stress back at home. Not for the same thing (it was money in Cali), but just stress about everything. I also felt very insecure and inadequate in my appearance and self. I continued going over to Children's in Columbus, and I would tell them exactly how I was feeling: fat. I didn't hide it and I wasn't going to lie about how I was really feeling because I was still in a mindset of recovery. I returned to my job at Dairy Isle also. A couple of weeks later, I had a bit of a falling out at Children's. I didn't eat all of my given exchanges the morning of my appointment because Mom and I were going to my favorite restaurant for lunch and the good ol' eating disorder habit of compensation came into effect. At this point, I just didn't care. When I got to my appointment with my therapist, she asked me what I had eaten that morning, so I told her, to which she replied by telling me we were going to go to the kitchen to get food to make up for what I missed. I respectfully refused. When she asked why, I said because I didn't want to. This went back and forth for a few minutes, and then she called mom in. Something bad financially had happened that morning, so mom wasn't happy in the first place, so when she heard that I was refusing food on top of that, she started crying and just left. I then was upset, so I went to the kitchen, got food, ate it in silence, and then walked out of my appointment. I was mad and mom was upset, so we didn't go to lunch, going straight home. Needless to say, the day was ruined. I thought about that event and my life in general and it just made me mad. A couple of days later, I called Children's, cancelled all future appointments, and quit going. I gave up. A couple of weeks after that event, I started going to summer school at OSU-Newark (which is literally right across the street from me). I took Intro to Psychology, Elementary Statistics, and Art and Music Since 1945. I loved all of my classes, believe it or not. I found stats to be interesting, I loved learning more about the music that I love, and I felt like I knew a lot about psych before the class, so they were all pretty easy. Except stats. It's not even that it was hard material, but for some reason I always missed the smallest details or random things on quizzes. Regardless, I passed my classes with 2 A's and 1 C. But I passed so that's all that matters. Oh, and one day after class, I got a tattoo. It's a black cross on my wrist (I know: typical white girl). It represents my faith (obvi) and then it also had more meaning to me. It was supposed to represent my deliverance from my eating disorder through the power of Christ. I had wanted to get the tattoo for awhile, but the events of this year and a book I read that really spoke to me inspired it further. When I wasn't at school, I was at the good ol' Dairy Isle. This year, I was trained in the kitchen, so I was makin' them conies and fries. It's amazing how many elderly people enjoy their conies and shredded chicken sandwiches. I worked a lot, and made bank. Now I know what you're thinking: "Zoe, when did you have fun this summer?" Well, I decided prior to summer beginning that as soon as school started, I was going to dedicate myself to my studies and work. So I did, and I enjoyed it. I actually love my job at the Dairy Isle. This season was especially spectacular because my co-workers became my best friends. We were together all of the time, so we didn't really have a choice, BUT I really do love them. They were the only people I felt like I could be my true self around and escape from the mess that my life was (again, that's to come). The biggest update actually began before I even went to California. Sometime in May, Cedar Point has a day where they let OSU students and faculty in for a discounted rate, so one of my best friends from junior high and one of my best friends of all time and another friend made through junior high friend (does that make sense? In sum, 3 people) took a road trip to be "ride warriors". As we walked around, I got weird vibes. Don't get me wrong: I enjoyed myself, but something wasn't right. I wasn't even at OSU, but I just felt...not right. I started texting one of my best friend's from Lee, and I realized... I want to be at Lee. "SAY WHAAA? BUT ZOE you hated it there!" Valid. I wasn't happy when I was at Lee my first semester a. because I wasn't taking mentally stimulating classes or enough hours to occupy my time b. I wasn't involved in anything c. I was too wrapped up in the eating disorder to function by the time I started hating it. Still, I felt like that was where I was meant to be. Vibes and feelings are (I believe) the prime way that God speaks to me, and I think that He gave me those feelings because He wants me at Lee. I love Ohio State main campus; I was excited to go there and live in Columbus (mi Corazon, but I didn't think that that is where God wanted me to be. I talked to my parents about it when I got home that night, and my Dad was supportive because he believes that Lee is where I'm meant to be, and mom was apprehensive but supportive. The next day, I sent emails and made phone calls trying to get information about applying. I proceeded to fill out an application to the school, a separate application to the school of nursing, and then I waited. Oh, did I ever mention that I had also decided earlier that year that I wanted to do nursing? Well, I decided that I wanted to do nursing at some point earlier this year. A few weeks passed, and I received a phone call: I was BACK in! To Lee and the Nursing school! Skip skip tally-ho! I went to school at OSU this summer basically preparing to come back to Lee. I was #stoked. So, now I'm at Lee. It's a little strange because it's not the same hall as last year where everyone was best friends, hardly any of my friends are on a meal plan (WHICH I WOULD LIKE TO ADD IS A COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY and am very excited to be able to not be on one), upper classmen are NEVER on campus, and it's just weird because you realize how freshman centered most of campus is (at least for the first few weeks). I'm currently taking Foundations of Western Culture, Human Biology, Recent American History, Survey of Western Civilization II, bio lab, and New Testament. My foundations class: literally have NO idea what is going on. Like, why Homer? Why? I leave very frustrated and done with humanity when I leave biology. I love my American history and New Testament classes. My Western Civ. professor is rad and makes a lot of Doctor Who references, which I appreciate. I auditioned for a couple of the ensembles on campus, and actually got into one called EVS (Evangelistic Singers). They sing black-gospel type music, and I actually really like them, however, I decided not to do it because I want to focus on other things. I tried to rush in a sorority, but I didn't get an interview so that didn't happen (which I'm totally fine with). Cru started 2 weeks ago, and that is where my heart is. Ohh Cru, how I love you. I'm trying to get as involved in that as possible. I also joined SLC (Student Leadership Council), and I'm in the Marketing and Recruitment committee which I really enjoy. I'm also currently job searching. So now you may be asking "how are your nursing classes going?" To answer that: they're not. I don't want to do nursing now. Lemme splain... A couple of weeks before I left for school, my Norma (a.k.a. grandma) fell and broke her hip (2nd time this has happened). I stayed with her in the hospital for a couple of nights, and I saw the work that the nurses had to do and I had a major reality check. For one thing, I never had any desire at all in any capacity to do anything in the medical field. Another thing, I realized that one of the biggest reasons that I decided to pursue nursing was because I thought I was inspired by the nurses at Children's that experienced whenever I had been hospitalized, when in reality, I just like being the patient...I don't want to do the actual work. So nursing is no more. What am I going to do now? I have no idea, and I'm honestly freaking out a little bit of a lot because I have no plan. I'm considering communications or journalism because that is what I had wanted to do throughout high school and I do enjoy writing. I'm also looking into business administration with an international business emphasis, because one of my dream jobs is to be like one of those people on the Kashi commercials zip-lining through the rain forest, sourcing ingredients for their cereal and stuff... I also realized that I really do have a love/passion for coffee, and I would love to work for a travelling position of some sort at Starbucks or something of that ilk. I've also been thinking of an idea that I had last year of opening a coffee shop where I go to third-world countries and source the beans, share Jesus with the people I encounter, and then coming back to my shop and selling the coffee and other products the people make, and sharing their stories and the work that God would be doing in their lives. I'm also considering Anthropology again because that's a very versatile field, I love the building it's in at Lee, and I love the professors of the department. But I really have no idea what I want to do, or more importantly, what God wants me to do. Luckily, I need all of the classes that I'm taking for any of the majors I choose, so I have this semester to figure out what to do with my life. That's about it. All up to date. Again, I'll write again soon with more about my summer and the reason for the post prior to this one. For now, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on with my life. Transitioning back to Lee has been rough because I don't have any idea what I want to do, and I haven't really made any new friends outside of my friends from last year (which, in itself, isn't a bad thing because they are the best friends I've ever had, but I get really bothered by not having more friends). I just have to keep reminding myself that it's only the 3rd week of school and I have plenty of time to make friends, and that I have an entire semester to think about what I want to do. I know that it will all work out, but I hate not having a goal or a plan. That's where faith needs to come in, but I'm having a hard time with that too. Oh, I also developed a new passion for old school gangster rap this summer... not ashamed.

You Wouldn't Even Recognize Me Anymore...

It's been, what? Two months since I last wrote? Sorry (to the, like, 4 people who follow me). There's been quite a bit going on. SO I decided that I would write about the relevant things because YOLO!

When we last left off, it was Thanksgiving and I had just started to eat meat again. Since then, things have changed...welcome to life, right?

For starters, I don't know how or why it happened, but the couple weeks leading up to Christmas break (the same time as Thanksgiving) I developed really bad anxiety. I don't know why, but I was super anxious. I was ready to leave Lee and go home for break, and I didn't want to wait. I was so stinking bored ALL of the time and I was just ready to be home, doing things with my friends. I also think that eating meat made me INCREDIBLY anxious because I hadn't done it in so long, and (I know, this sounds really dumb) I just didn't know how to eat meat. I decided when I returned from my friend's house over Thanksgiving that I would return to my pescetarian lifestyle, and only eat meat when I traveled and didn't want to be rude to the host home where I was staying. That would have been all good and well, but the anxiety remained even when I decided to not eat meat again. For some reason that I cannot for the life of me figure out, I decided that I was just going to not eat anything close to what "normal" or "semi-normal" eating is. For example, I would force myself to sleep in so that I didn't have to eat breakfast, and then some days I would go to Zumba because it gave me something to do and prolonged the amount of time that I wouldn't have to eat (but, honestly, I do like Zumba. I'd like to be an instructor when I'm in a better mindset/condition), and then I would eat lunch and dinner (which weren't by any means "adequate"), and then have a snack before I went to bed. Now, for some reason, I never fail to have a bedtime snack; it's comforting to me. As of late, I feel like I binge a lot during that time 1. because i hadn't eaten anything all day 2. because I was trying to make myself fuller so I wouldn't be as hungry in the morning (which doesn't work to well, btw). I also started losing my appetite because I was too anxious to eat, so that helped my little scheme. I began to feel quite depressed because I hated the lifestyle I was living, I hated being at school and bored every waking moment of the day, and I just didn't know what I was doing in my life. Worst of all, my relationship with God was no where near where I wanted it to be (which is my fault). I knew he was there and working in my life, but I couldn't see it or feel it (which sucks and makes having faith a lot harder, but you've gotta do what ya gotta do.)

The week before exams, I started packing my car because I didn't want to wait and I just wanted the time to go to be there. I dyed my hair dark, and I love it (except it has a reddish tint that I'm not crazy about). It's funny because when I have dark hair, I don't look adopted and I look like my family (they all have dark hair). When Exams came around, I only had to take one because I was exempt from my other one (I didn't have a very challenging semester by any means...). I was set to come home on a Tuesday, but since I finished my one exam at 10:45, I decided that I had no inclination to stay longer than I had to. I decided that I would surprise my parents and show up on Monday instead of Tuesday. So, that Monday, I got everything in my car, used as many meals as I could so they didn't go to waste, said my goodbyes, got my coffee, took my exam (which I pretty much buzzed through because I wasn't sure about half of the answers and I wanted to get out), went to Dunkin Donuts to get my mom some donuts and use the remainder of flex that I had, and then I hit the road. I left Cleveland around 10:45ish and got into Newark around 7. Before I came in my house, I called my parents, as I do every night, and talked to them like normal. They were freaking out and giving me instructions on how to drive the following day because the weather was supposed to be bad. I muted my phone, knocked on my door, and my mom answered. She said that she almost didn't let me in because she thought that I was either a stranger or one of my best friend's who lives across the street (so why she wouldn't let her in anyway, I have no idea). When she realized it was me, I was granted entry, and I approached my dad who was screaming into his phone, thinking that he lost the connection with me. As he shouted, "ZOE! ZOE!" I responded, right next to his side, with "WHAT!" He looked up and the only thing that he said was "Oh...hi." Apparently he thought I was one of momma's friends. That night, I got a pizza from my favorite Newark pizzeria (Debra's...#nomnomnom), and my family and I all just sat in my living room watching TV on the new couch they had just bought (it's a nice one, too). I was SO happy to be home. More so, I was super excited because I thought that I would start eating normally again. Yeah...eating disorders don't usually work like that...

Me with muh new hairs

Over break, I started working at the one, the only...Bob Evans. Not just Bob Evans, but THE Bob Evans that my mom has worked at for years. It's almost a family business, I am not even kidding. Believe it or not, after spending years being vehemently anti-Bob's, I actually really like my job! Weirder, I'm not as repulsed by the food that they make... I actually kind of like it...woah. I worked mostly mornings, which gave me the perfect excuse to go continue with my habit of consuming nothing but coffee until later in the day. Basically, my schedule was like this on the days that I worked: Wake up, drink coffee, work until around 2 or 3, eat yogurt, sit around, eat dinner, sit next to the fireplace (SIDE NOTE: THAT IS THE MOST GLORIOUS THING), drink copious amounts of diet soda to suppress my hunger, sit some more and watch TV with my family, eat what I would consider a "binge", go to sleep. On days that I didn't work, I typically forced myself to sleep in so that I didn't have to eat, and then I would try and find something to do with my friends. I made this entire list of things that I wanted to do and people I wanted to see over break, so I was pretty determined to get them done, and I did actually do a great deal of them. I love my friends back at home! They are great and understanding. I feel like I got a lot closer to someone whom I've considered to be a best friend since, like, 8th grade, but we never really hung out or talked that much in high school. We only hung out 4 times tops, and not getting to hang out with her became one of the biggest reasons that I was sad to have to go back to school.

Christmas came and it was not very good, to be quite honest. I really don't like to holidays. Why? Food. I see all of the delicious treats that accompany Christmas, remember enjoying them so much as a child, and then I don't eat them. If I do, then I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and I sometimes eat too much of it, and those are both things I don't want to happen. This year, though, I think that I had a grand total of one large Christmas cookie, and maybe 4 pieces of candy all together. I didn't binge or feel guilt, but I still didn't allow myself to eat as much as I should have. On Christmas day, I was not pleasant at all because I...well, I don't know why exactly; I suppose just the food thing. I was mean to my mom (which I still feel horrible about) and I just sat around all day. A big reason for my unpleasantness was because we had cinnamon rolls for breakfast. "That should make you happy, not unhappy!" Right? But no. I felt obligated to eat them because I asked for them (because we used to eat them every Christmas morning growing up). I had it set in my mind that I was going to eat them for almost two weeks, and I wasn't going to not. I had planned out what I would consume the rest of the day and I wasn't going to stray from that. I ate a cinnamon roll with my family at breakfast, drinking coffee (mocha flavored Kahlua coffee is horrendous, by the way. Like, Dunkin Donuts has better coffee...and that says a lot.), drank two cans of soda at my cousins' house, got stir-fried shrimp and vegetables at the Chinese restaurant that I hate but we go to every year for Christmas, and then had a frozen protein shake or something like that for snackage. And the biggest Christmas miracle? I felt tremendously guilty after! Shocking... The day eventually ended and the next few days were fine. Then came New Years Eve. I decided that I didn't want interaction with humans of any sort, so I stayed at home and sat on the couch with my parents. Dad watched something on TV, mom slept, and I played on my laptop. And you know what? I was perfectly happy with that. We turned on the New Years rockin' eve, or whatever that is, about 2 minutes prior to midnight, watched the ball drop, and then I promptly went to bed. New Years day, believe it or don't was actually really great! I woke up around 8 because I had to work (another reason why I didn't really want to do anything the night before), had my daily "breakfast" of coffee, had a great day at work, and then mom picked me up and brought me home to discuss our plans for the evening. We have a tradition of going to Columbus to see a movie (typically in IMAX) every year on New Year's, so we went to see "The Hobbit." Before that, we went out to dinner. Talk about the dream life: not only did I get to spend my entire New Year's day working at Bob Evans, but I even got to eat there! Actually, I was happy with that because it sounded good, we get an employee discount, and I didn't regret what I ate. We then saw the movie (WHICH WAS AWESOME), went home, and sat together in the living room. I'm really happy because it was a good day with no guilt and little anxiety that I got to share with my family.

Oh, Lee. How you were on my mind over break. I spent my entire break dreading the thought of going back to Lee. It's not that I missed home, it's that Cleveland is the most boring place I have ever endured and I couldn't stand the thought of returning to that level of boredom/inactivity/nothingness. I looked up schools to transfer to, went on two visits to OSU, and filled out different applications for transferring in the 2014 fall semester. I planned on going back to Lee, despite my dread, to give it another try. In all fairness, I think a lot of why I was so bored was because I wasn't as involved as I wanted to be, and I only took 12 credit hours of dull, non-mentally stimulating courses. I give it that. But, I struggled a lot over break as to whether or not to return next semester at all. I figured I could maybe take classes at OSU-Newark (despite my best wishes) this semester and then transfer to main campus next year. I texted my friends back at Lee from time to time when I was really thinking about how much I would hate going back. One of those friends (who also had a hard time deciding whether or not to stay at Lee her first semester) decided that she wasn't going to back next semester. I was so jealous of the fact that I had to go back and she didn't. I texted her about it, and she really helped me get a better mind set about making my decision because I really was struggling with it.

The day after I texted my friend, the "polar vortex" hit. Funny story: our furnace began acting up and our power was going in and out on the coldest night of the millennium...lawlz. Anyway, my mom took that Monday off because of the bad weather conditions. For Christmas, I had given her a coupon that enabled her to have me eat anything that she wanted me to. She's always telling me about how she wished that I would eat certain things, so I figured I could give her one day to fulfill those wishes and one day without me being in control. For lunch, we went to the Village Coffee House in Granville, and shared a plain bagel (like, plain? Really mom?) with cream cheese, a veggie wrap, harvest grain and mushroom soup, and a buckeye latte and white chocolate mocha. I ate/drank this stuff because it was part of the deal, but I felt guilty 1. because I felt that it was a ton of food 2. it wasn't what I would consider a "balanced" meal 3. I didn't enjoy the taste of anything besides the soup too much 4. she didn't know that when I said I would eat anything she wanted me to, I literally meant ANYTHING (meat included). So she kind of wished that we had done something different, but we ended up talking to the employees and having a good time. For dinner, we went to Hot Head burritos, and she had my dad make mine for me: a full size burrito with brown rice, black beans, cheese, lettuce, corn, pico de gallo, and guacamole. It was okay, but it wasn't something I'd get again. Mom had me try her's too, which had pork, rice, cheese, lettuce, and sour cream; I liked hers way more than mine, but I also used to enjoy getting a burrito with rice, cheese and sour cream when I went to Chipotle back in the day (I got that order for $1.60 once, thank you very much). Later that night, we both had the new "Ron Burgundy/Anchorman" inspired Ben&Jerry's ice cream (butterscotch on butterscotch...mmm) and a piece of chocolate bread from Bob Evans (I don't know why they call their breads "bread." They are all cake, if we're being honest with ourselves). I sat next to the fire as a I enjoyed my ice cream and "bread" and it was a good. As I laid in bed later, the eating disorder part of me felt guilty, but the me part of me was satisfied, enjoyed my day, and was happy that I wasn't in control and could just let myself eat with no reservations.

So here we are, 4 days later, and quite a bit has happened. On Tuesday, I picked my dad up from work. As we drove, I talked to him about how I felt guilty about the previous day, how I didn't know what to do with my life, how I didn't want to go back to school, and just venting my feelings of depression and distress. Later that night, we were watching "Sherlock", but I was thinking too much to really engage in the show. I thought. I thought for a good while; I then made a decision. I can't do this on my own. I can't. My eating disorder has hit me, and it's hit me hard. I know that if I keep up with the way things are, I'm going to die. I know that if I go back to Lee, I'm going to continue with the way things are now and I wouldn't be able to get the help that I need, and I'm going to die. The day prior, I gave up control. When I'm in control, I'M not in control, but my eating disorder is. I can't do it anymore; I don't want to do it anymore. Because I never eat and fuel myself, I never have energy and I've become incredibly bitter, selfish, and moody; I hate it. I want to live my life serving God and I want to help people. I hate that I'm always so wrapped up in myself because I'm too tired or focused on food to care about others or my relationship with God. Throughout this break, I've prayed (not often, I'd like to add) that God would show his will for me and my life, especially regarding college. As I sat in my family room on Tuesday night thinking, I made a decision and I believe that God revealed it to me.

What is this big God-revealed decision, you ask?

I have decided that I will not be returning to Lee University in Cleveland, Tennessee for the Spring 2014 semester. I have decided to enroll in classes at the Ohio State University-Newark campus, while staying at home with my family so that they can take care of me. I'm going to start going to outpatient treatment like I used to go to at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus. And you know what? I am so excited and couldn't be happier with the decision that I've made. My parents will be in control of my food (making my meals, choosing what I'll eat when we go out, helping me make decisions about food when I have to, etc.), so that I can be in control in things that are actually important in my life like my school work, my friendships, helping others in anyway that I can, and building up my relationship with God. When I made my decision on Tuesday night, I prayed that if my decision was God's will then to let doors be open so that it would be done, and they were. On Wednesday, I was scheduled to work at Bob Evans, but mom called OSU-N (who's first day of classes were that same day because the "polar vortex" caused them to cancel the two days prior), talked to a lady who said it would be impossible for me to enroll, was transferred to someone else who said that he could do it, and then she called to tell me that I needed to go to the campus down the street to enroll. I called off of work, met with the man (who is an absolute angel) that mom spoke with, signed some papers, took a math placement test, and scheduled my classes for the semester. Thus, I became a buckeye and I had my first day of classes yesterday. Oh yeah...doors swung.

Now, I'm going to go to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, work on other days, go to treatment, and just start to live. I'm sure it will be hard, but I know that this is best for me. I have the support and help of my family, my friends, and God. I'm so excited to start eating and getting healthy again, getting back on my feet. It's amazing how one's ideals change over time: I've always looked at people who went to OSU-Newark as failures, drop-outs, or people without high ambition or goals in life. Now, I realize that it is just as good of a school as any of them out there, and is really smart in regards to finances. By no means do I want to stay in Newark the rest of my life, but for now I'm content. I want to transfer to OSU-Main Campus in Columbus, but for now, I want to really focus on getting better. Lee is a great school, and I'm happy for people who can find happiness there; I could not. I'll miss the showers, the coffee at Einstein Brothers, and the friends that I made and love. However, I believe that God is calling me to something else, and I'm going to try and follow that call as best as I can. I don't know why I was brought to Lee, just to be hospitalized in September, just to go back to Tennessee and go to treatment, just to hating my life down there, just to coming home...I can't figure it out, and that's okay. I'm putting my trust in God and believing that this is all happening for a reason.

Thanksgiving...Not A Fan

This has not been a very good past couple of weeks. I've been restricting a lot and feeling very down, lethargic, and depressed. The worst part is that I have no idea why. I'm left to assume it is because I'm stressed because I generally restrict my food intake because its how I deal with stress. But I don't know why I'm stressed. I don't have strenuous school work or anything to do ever.....I think that could be why. I HATE not having anything to do. HATE. LOATHE. And, f.y.i., if you're looking for things to do in Cleveland, TN, the best thing to do is leave Cleveland, TN and go somewhere else because there is NOTHING to do. Last Saturday, my friends and I had nothing to do, so went to Starbucks, and thought, "Well, we've got nothing better to do...let's go get piercings." So we went and got various piercings because we were just that bored. YOLO. I just wish that I knew what exactly it was that made me have such a dramatic shift in my thoughts and behaviors in this past week or so. I would feel immensly better if I knew why (I may not BE better, but I I would feel better).

Like I said, I've been restricting a lot more in the past week than I have been in a while. I honestly think that it has a lot to do with the fact that yesterday was Thanksgiving. First off, I've never been a fan of Thanksgiving or the types of food that supply the menu. What is more frightening than an entire day based on the concept of gorging oneself on high-calorie food and sitting around, doing nothing? Very little in my life right now (which, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I honestly am thankful for. People deal with a lot more things and are scared of worse things). Plus, since I started eating meat, I didn't know how to handle the "holiday" since I haven't eaten meat in so long. On Tuesday and Wednesday nights, I kept thinking of how I wanted to (note that I WANTED to) restrict in the future. I kept thinking of how I could restrict when I got back to school (I'm at my friend's house in Knoxville for the Thanksgiving break), and I just kept thinking that all I would drink coffee, eat dinner, and a snack before bed...that's it. Don't ask why I WANTED to do that, but it's the way my mind was working. I've also been comparing what I eat with what one of my friends who I'm with eats. She eats very little (at least from what I see her eat. I don't always watch her to see her snack and stuff), and I feel like I need to eat either as much as or less than she eats. It was amazing, though, because yesterday, the day after Thanksgiving, I had a shift in my thoughts. I ate with my companions throughout the day, and didn't think as much of it. I still feel like restricting when I return to school, but not as badly as I wanted to (and as I do some positive self-talk and eventually return to campus, I'll hopefully be out of that mind-set completely). So the past two days have been more pleasant.

I keep thinking about food, though. Like how I'm going to eat, what I'm going to eat, etc. I've decided (for now, at least) that either once I get back to campus or back home, I will be returning to a vegetarian lifestyle. Yes, I could be wanting to do this as a means of restricting, and yes it could be because I want to return to my vegetarian identity. However, I feel like it causes me to restrict just as much as or more than when I don't eat meat. I admit, it does make life easier, as it's always around and everyone eats it. However, I really don't like the way that any meat tastes, I know how to get protein from non-fleshy sources, and the only time I really want anything meat-based is when I want soup and the only place that I can get it is at Einstein Brothers when they're open and the dining hall is not. I don't know. It's another hard decision. I think that I'll only eat meat when I'm staying at a place where I have no personal connections who know that I don't eat meat, and my hosts offer me meat. Other than that, though, if I have a choice, I just don't prefer meat (besides fish. Fish is always good).

I want to be home. Never in  a gazillion years did I think that I wanted to be in Newark, Ohio. I realized that I really don't like Lee University. At least, not right now, or at least I just don't like Cleveland. The lack of activity and life in the area is painful to me. PAINFUL. I'm so excited to be with my family, see my old friends, be in Columbus (which, despite my hate for Ohio, is my favorite place on earth), sit next to my fireplace, and do a bunch of things that I've talked about doing with my loved ones. It is taking a great deal of strength to be "responsible" and not leave before my finals (don't worry, I'm going to take my stinkin' tests). Through the past couple of weeks, I haven't been able to feel God very much. I know he's there, but it's not like I'm basking in his magnificence and glory, skipping into church with a holy happiness. But that's the way that faith works: one isn't always going to be super duper happy with their relationship with God. Jesus himself said that following him would suck sometimes (I'm pretty sure that's biblical, verbatim.) I believe with my whole heart that there is a reason for this less than favorable season in my life. I know that I'm going through this because God has something great and awesome and stupendous planned to come out of it. I wish that I could feel God, be super happy, and not be going through my stupid food thoughts and eating disorder bull ca-ca, but I'm wayyyyyyy better off than most. For that, I am thankful. I'm thankful for my life, all of the good and bad parts in it. I'm thankful for blankets, heat, the sun, sweatshirts, fire, hot coffee, fuzzy socks, a place to sleep at night, having people who love me, and most importantly, having a relationship with Christ. So even though I say "I hate my life" wayyyyyyy more than I should (especially right now), I don't mean it. I love my life and all of the warm things that God has blessed me with.