It's funny how God can speak to people. For some, it is audible while for others it is little things throughout the day that just say "God." I always expect to hear God audibly, but that's never happened. I compare my relationship with Christ to others (which, by the way, you should NEVER do), and I think if God speaks to people in one way than he'll speak to me in the same way. He doesn't. God speaks to me through little random things throughout my day at times when I need them most. I like to call them "little God moments," and they are my favorite. God has spoken to me through devotions, conversations with people, music, and little visions I get, amongst other things. Today, God spoke to me via my morning devotion. Two of the verses included were Matthew 6:34, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own," and James 4:13-15, "Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why,
you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You
are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” The devotion reminded me "not to be distracted by future concerns, and leave them to God." (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young). Preach.
I always have a hard time living in the present. This is especially hard for me now because I'm constantly thinking about my next meal, trying to plan how I'm going to get all of my servings in for each day. Very annoying and overwhelming. So, yesterday I said that I would make a menu to follow every day; scratch that, it's not happening anymore. God spoke to me and made me realize that the stress I was experiencing wasn't necessary, and I can leave it to God. I've decided that I'll just decide my meals when it comes time to eat them, and make sure I get my servings in by taking it meal-by-meal. That's what I did today. After reading my devotion, I proceeded to get ready (I attempted to look cute again today! What is happening to me? It's like I actually care or have energy or something...), and then it came time for breakfast. Instead of eating something I was thinking about eating throughout the night, I changed direction and lived in the moment, eating something completely different. It started my day off right. I went to my Freshman Gateway class, got a smoothie from Einstein Brothers, and went to the student union to study for an exam I had today. Studying went well, except for when I got talking to my friend, Patrick, but I enjoyed that. After, I got on a computer, and then went to lunch with my friend, Brooke. I then went to sit outside around the ped-mall to try and study again. It came time to take my exam, where I surprisingly remembered a good deal of the information, yet forgot things I thought I would definetly remember...my life. After the exam, I got a Monster protein shake from Dunkin Donuts, and left to go to Chattanooga for IOP.
I'v only been to two meetings of IOP, but I'm really enjoying it so far. The first hour tonight was spend discussing nutrition (which any eating disordered person usually has a fascination with, so I thouroughly enjoyed it), the second hour was dinner and processing, the third was "Body Awareness", and the last hour was spent in Internal Family Systems. Body Awareness group solidified God's message to me today, as it was all about living in the present. Oh...hello again, God. We worked on our breaths and being concious of our breathing, which helps re-focus a person on the present moment. I was surprised because it actually worked. Not the entire time because I did get off track and began to think about the future, but overall I was in the present. In our next group, Internal Family Systems, I actually focused on what we were discussing, and to my surprise again, I had insights that I didn't expect to have and figured out things about my psyche that I had never considered. When group had ended, I decided to "YOLO," and go across the street to Wendy's and get a chocolate milk; yes, I live on the edge. I drove home, and sat with my hall mates in the hall (which we do a lot throughout the day) and here we are. My day is pretty much coming to a close, so I'm going to offically declare this day to be a good one.
Breathing is something that everyone does everyday without thinking about it. It's amazing how noticing something so routine can help someone change their entire mindset and way they live each day. I learned today that by just focusing on my breaths, I can be more conscious of the current situation. I was also reminded of the awesomeness of God and his communication skills. He never speaks to me in the way that I expect Him to, and I couldn't be happier. God knows me so well and He knows how to get through to me in a way that I do respond and relate. If He talked to me in the way that I expect, who knows how I would respond? Ahhh! God is so cool. He knows me, and He's got my back. I can leave my future up to Him and not have to think about it. Now, this practice is much more easier said than done, but it's so reassuring knowing that when I'm ready to give up, God is there to take it from me. I've decided to take each meal one meal at a time, and I'm going to try and live in the moment. It will be hard, but I've got God on my side, and as they (they being the Paul to the Philippians) say, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Food Log: Monday September 30, 2013:
Breakfast:
Luna Bar; egg with butter
Snack:
Smoothie
Lunch:
Carrots; squash; carrot soup; roll; tuna salad; milk
Snack:
Protein Shake
Dinner:
Picante Ramen bowl; apple; chocolate milk
Snack:
TBD
Monday, September 30, 2013
How I Got the Meal Plan
I realized that I never explained where exactly I got this meal plan that I'm following from. How silly of me. I'm sure you're dying to know. Well, here you go!
Over the summer of this year (2013), I got a job at a little dairy bar in my hometown and was preparing for college. My mindset all summer was "Well, I'm going to be working with ice cream all summer, so I'll probably eat a ton of ice cream every day," and "Well, I'm going to college where I'll have access to unlimited food with my meal plan," (neither of which I did/do) so I basically didn't eat like I should have and lost some weight. I knew that getting out into the world and having freedom in my own life would help me recover more. In order to make this more probable, I went to the Counseling Center at school. I also went to the Health Clinic so that I could make sure that I was healthy and doing alright physically. After the initial intake with the Counseling Center and first couple of checkups with the Health Clinic, they as a team decided that I needed more medical treatment than they could provide. I was given two options: go to a hospital to get medically stable and then (maybe) come back to school, or enter an upper level of treatment. I had no desire at all to receive higher levels of care, and I cried hysterically when I thought about having to leave school. I went with the option to get hospitalized for stabilization. There were no hospitals within a two hour radius from Cleveland, so I decided that I would return to Ohio to go to the familiar Nationwide Children's Hospital (I was hospitalized there for a week in April of 2012). I left Cleveland on a Saturday morning on a Greyhound bus, and arrived in Columbus, Ohio around 9 at night. My family picked me up, we went to Noodles and Company for dinner (I had a "buy one get one free" coupon), and then we went to the hospital. The next morning, the doctors gave me the overall reasons as to why I was admitted: I was in brachycardia (a condition of low heart rate. Mine was at a resting rate of 36 beats per minute...whoa), my white blood cell count was low, and I was severely underweight and malnourished. I wasn't shocked because I figured I was pretty bad, but I hadn't really considered how bad I really was. My first day was spent with my Dad in boredom. I began the "re-feeding" process, which is where one is fed a tiny amount of food so that they don't get sick due to the re-introduction of food in the body. It's interesting because you would think that they would be giving you more food than you want, not less. I was so hungry all day. I was used to eating more food than I was given, but the difference was that the food I was used to eating was filling because of the water density, not nutrient or calorie density. Eventually, my food intake increased, and I was satisfied.
I spent 9 days in the hospital, and it was one of the most overwhelming, stressful, and spiritual times in my life. It was stressful and overwhelming because I had to think about what I was going to do when I was discharged. At the time, my options were still either going back to school or going to a higher level of treatment. I was hoping to be able to go back to school, but I found out that wouldn't be happening half way through the week. After that news, my options were going to a higher level of care, or going back to school but getting treatment that could coincide with my schooling (like an IOP or Outpatient program). We found two places in Chattanooga that offered such treatment, so we just had to wait and see if either would take me or if our schedules would mesh. On the ninth day of my hospitalization, I found out that one of them would accept me, their schedule worked swimmingly with mine, and I would be able to return to school! I cried when I found out this news; I was so excited and happy. Before I left, the hospital's dietician met with me and gave me the meal plan that I am currently using for this challenge that was what I was on the last few days in the hospital. It is what I currently need to continue the "re-feeding" process. I say that it was also an incredibly spiritual week because I had to rely on God to know how the rest of my life was to play out. If I could return to Lee, I could continue with classes and be as close to a "normal" student as possible. If he had a different plan for me, I would have to withdraw for the semester and either return to Ohio (that thought killed me) or go to a residential treatment facility again. I prayed every morning by trying to hear God (I have a really hard time with this), reading my daily devotion, reading the Bible, trying to talk to God whenever I thought about it, praying with anyone who offered, talking to people about my faith and faith in general, and writing down my prayers and putting them in a prayer box that I made. The overall prayer each day was for God's will to be done because it is for the best of me and will ultimately happen no matter what I do, but I prayed so hard that His will would align with my own. Ultimately, we met half way, and now I'm back at school, able to take on this challenge of recovery.
The nurses, doctors, and even my family would ask me, "What is different about this time?" or "Why do you think that you can do this?" I could never describe in words what I was, and continue to, feel. It's a type of motivation that I haven't experienced in any stage of my four years of trying to recover. It may be because I'm finally ready to surrender, or it may be because I don't want to have to go back to Ohio. Ultimately, though, I believe it's God. For the past year, I've said that I was waiting on divine revelation, or a "spiritual punch in the face." My eating disorder had become a very personal and spiritual thing for me. Personal, because I knew that there was something within me that wasn't clicking. I knew what to do to get better and how to do it, but the switch to do so internally wasn't flipping on. Spiritual, because I knew that I was destroying God's creation and the "temple" that He made for me; That thought is what hurt. Literally, though, a couple of days before I left for the hospital, I felt a fire ignite to begin recovering. The internal flip had switched, and God had punched me in the face like I had asked for so long. Maybe it was because something like the hospitalization was coming and God knew that I needed that motivation, but I like to think it's my time. Better yet, I like to think that it's God's time for me. God's timing is always perfect, no matter how dire a situation may seem. I've been struggling with this for four years now, and though it may have taken those four years, all of the prayers, encouragement, and love from my family and friends, God knows what is best for me, how it will be best for me, and when it will be best for me. That's the cool thing about God: He knows. The best part is, though, He's like that for everyone. He knows when the right time is for every single person on the face of the earth. He wants the best for every single specimen out there, and even though sometimes it feels like God isn't there or He has favorites leaving others for the worst situations, He's just waiting. He's working on situations and circumstances as we wait for it to be our time. I've learned that trusting in God's time is difficult, especially because His time never correlates with ours. I've also learned, though, that God's timing is worth it in the end. I wouldn't be who I am today without His timing, and I thank Him for that timing because I really do love who I am. Yes, I have the little flaw of being a weirdo with the fear of getting fat, but that's not how I or God sees me. I'm so much more (just like all other people in the world are). I would never take back any of the experiences that I've been through in life because they have molded me into the person I am today. I believe in God's timing and I believe in God's love. That is how I'm going to take the role of Liam Neeson in "Taken", and let my eating disorder know, "I will look for you, I will find you...and I will kill you."
Over the summer of this year (2013), I got a job at a little dairy bar in my hometown and was preparing for college. My mindset all summer was "Well, I'm going to be working with ice cream all summer, so I'll probably eat a ton of ice cream every day," and "Well, I'm going to college where I'll have access to unlimited food with my meal plan," (neither of which I did/do) so I basically didn't eat like I should have and lost some weight. I knew that getting out into the world and having freedom in my own life would help me recover more. In order to make this more probable, I went to the Counseling Center at school. I also went to the Health Clinic so that I could make sure that I was healthy and doing alright physically. After the initial intake with the Counseling Center and first couple of checkups with the Health Clinic, they as a team decided that I needed more medical treatment than they could provide. I was given two options: go to a hospital to get medically stable and then (maybe) come back to school, or enter an upper level of treatment. I had no desire at all to receive higher levels of care, and I cried hysterically when I thought about having to leave school. I went with the option to get hospitalized for stabilization. There were no hospitals within a two hour radius from Cleveland, so I decided that I would return to Ohio to go to the familiar Nationwide Children's Hospital (I was hospitalized there for a week in April of 2012). I left Cleveland on a Saturday morning on a Greyhound bus, and arrived in Columbus, Ohio around 9 at night. My family picked me up, we went to Noodles and Company for dinner (I had a "buy one get one free" coupon), and then we went to the hospital. The next morning, the doctors gave me the overall reasons as to why I was admitted: I was in brachycardia (a condition of low heart rate. Mine was at a resting rate of 36 beats per minute...whoa), my white blood cell count was low, and I was severely underweight and malnourished. I wasn't shocked because I figured I was pretty bad, but I hadn't really considered how bad I really was. My first day was spent with my Dad in boredom. I began the "re-feeding" process, which is where one is fed a tiny amount of food so that they don't get sick due to the re-introduction of food in the body. It's interesting because you would think that they would be giving you more food than you want, not less. I was so hungry all day. I was used to eating more food than I was given, but the difference was that the food I was used to eating was filling because of the water density, not nutrient or calorie density. Eventually, my food intake increased, and I was satisfied.
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| A giant, wooden squirrel in the Nationwide Children's Hospital. |
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| Illegal hospital selfie |
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| A sweet dinosaur balloon that my Mom got me before I left. I call it the "Swag-o-saur." |
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Day Three: An Attempt at "Style" on National Coffee Day
It takes a lot for me to try and look "presentable." Not that I go out looking like I just got out of bed, but I usually just wear shorts, jeans, t-shirts, and sweatshirts. Sometimes, though, I do try and look "stylish" and dress "cute." Today was one of those days. I woke up around 8 and laid in bed trying to pray (I say "trying" because my mind has a really bad habit of getting off track) until about 9, when I got up to carpe diem. While laying in bed, I had a vision for my "look" today: curled hair, make-up (something else I usually don't do unless I'm bored or for special occasions), leggings, my little white shoes, a Lee Shirt, and a brown leather jacket that my friend, Krystal, gave me. Oh yeah...style was being concocted. Upon exiting the top bunk, I proceeded to read my daily devotion and Bible, and then begin work on my appearance. I finished around 10:23, saw the outcome of my work, and decided that the vision I had was achieved. I celebrated by participating in "Selfie Sunday."
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After getting ready, I met up with my hall mates and we walked to Church down the street. At this Church which I've been to about 3 or 4 times now, they offer a variety of breakfast foods for the Church-goers. It's a nice variety, I must say: yogurt, donuts, various other pastries, juices, granola bars, coffee, etc. I knew that this would be awaiting me, so I decided to eat breakfast there. The downside of this decision was that I didn't eat breakfast until 11 (which is when I technically should be having a snack), and I had planned this entire dining experience out. The upside, though, was that I got two grain servings, three fruit servings, and one dairy serving...righteous. After the service (which I didn't really pay attention to as well as I should have), we walked back to the dorm. I then went to lunch at the dining hall with my friends Brooke and Michaela. I decided to get a grilled cheese, but I didn't want the fries that were on the plate with it. I hate to waste things, so instead of taking them and throwing them away, I simply held my sandwich and shook the fries off onto another plate. The grill-man saw this and scolded me, saying "No, no, no! You can't do that! Take that plate!" I was a little taken aback, but I did as he said and took the plate back to my table. Luckily, Michaela wanted it, so nothing was wasted. I returned to my room after lunch to study for my Into to Missions exam which did not go as well as planned, but it's the most studying that I've done thusfar this year (I probably shouldn't admit).
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Oh! I forgot to mention it earlier... Happy National Coffee Day! Yes, National Coffee Day: the day where all caffeine addicts and Starbucks hipsters with their Mac's and skinny lattes with an extra shot and a pump of vanilla can come together and raise their mugs in celebration. I received an email yesterday from Starbucks saying that they would be giving away free cups of their new Ethiopian blend to celebrate this most joyous of days. After studying, my friend, Shawna, and I walked to Starbucks to get our share of the free coffee. Now, I'm usually a coffee addict, but I haven't been drinking it as much as I do at non-college home. So much so that I'm a gold card member at Starbucks (it took quite some time to achieve such prestige, but I'm proud to say that I made it). The coffee that I had today, though, wasn't really all that, and it made me realize that I'm not really that big on the black as I used to be, which makes me very excited because I don't want to drink it if I don't have to. After that, we came back to the dorm, I worked on more homework, hung out in my room with my friend, Heather, and then went to dinner with some of the "homies" in the hall. At 7:30 was the first night of Convocation. I would explain what it is, but I'm not quite sure myself. I've heard it described as Chapel on steroids, but I didn't see the correlation. To be honest, I kind of dosed off a couple of times; oops. After, I went to a YoungLife thing with Heather because I always wanted to do it, but never had the opportunity. It was kind of awkward and silent, and it confused me a little bit, but I liked it. We came back to the dorm, and here we are.
In regards to the meal plan, today was a good day. I got all of my servings in a manageable way which made my day better. I can't lie, though, I did begin to obsess over what I was going to eat tomorrow, which made it hard for me to focus on what I needed to for the majority of my night. See, I decided that I'm just going to write out menus for a few days and follow them for the remainder of the days of my challenge. It takes out some of the variety of my diet, but it ensures that I get all of my servings, and I won't have to think about or obsess over it. However, tonight I obsessed over it because I was trying to think about how to plan the menu. So now, I'm going to go attempt at planning this menu.
Everyone has their own style. I like to call mine "I don't care what this looks like because I'm really comfortable and you look dumb in your heels, but I'm just saying that because I wish I had the motivation to dress like you." Sometimes I actually do get the motivation to do so, and sometimes I even get compliments on my "style," which is a refreshing change of pace. While it excites me to get compliments when my attempts at style go my way, while I'm excited to be getting over my coffee addiction, and while I'm excited to do this meal plan, I'm not too excited about the obsessing over it. It's supposed to free me from the overwhelming thoughts of food; uh, no. It's just shifted it. However, even though it's not pleasurable to think about what I'm gong to eat, I'm glad that I get to experience it because I know that when it's all said and done, I'm going to be healthy and happy and mighty fine. Maybe I'll get more motivation to dress stylish more often, and I won't even need my coffee addiction to give me a caffeine kick to do so. But then, what am I supposed to do with my Starbucks Gold Member card that I worked so hard and diligently to get?
Food Log: Sunday September 29, 2013:
Breakfast: yogurt; Nature Valley granola bars; orange Juice
Lunch: grilled cheese; veggies; peanut butter; milk
Snack: protein bar
Dinner: beans; rice; stewed tomatoes; cabbage stuff; milk
Snack: milk; bagel
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After getting ready, I met up with my hall mates and we walked to Church down the street. At this Church which I've been to about 3 or 4 times now, they offer a variety of breakfast foods for the Church-goers. It's a nice variety, I must say: yogurt, donuts, various other pastries, juices, granola bars, coffee, etc. I knew that this would be awaiting me, so I decided to eat breakfast there. The downside of this decision was that I didn't eat breakfast until 11 (which is when I technically should be having a snack), and I had planned this entire dining experience out. The upside, though, was that I got two grain servings, three fruit servings, and one dairy serving...righteous. After the service (which I didn't really pay attention to as well as I should have), we walked back to the dorm. I then went to lunch at the dining hall with my friends Brooke and Michaela. I decided to get a grilled cheese, but I didn't want the fries that were on the plate with it. I hate to waste things, so instead of taking them and throwing them away, I simply held my sandwich and shook the fries off onto another plate. The grill-man saw this and scolded me, saying "No, no, no! You can't do that! Take that plate!" I was a little taken aback, but I did as he said and took the plate back to my table. Luckily, Michaela wanted it, so nothing was wasted. I returned to my room after lunch to study for my Into to Missions exam which did not go as well as planned, but it's the most studying that I've done thusfar this year (I probably shouldn't admit).
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Oh! I forgot to mention it earlier... Happy National Coffee Day! Yes, National Coffee Day: the day where all caffeine addicts and Starbucks hipsters with their Mac's and skinny lattes with an extra shot and a pump of vanilla can come together and raise their mugs in celebration. I received an email yesterday from Starbucks saying that they would be giving away free cups of their new Ethiopian blend to celebrate this most joyous of days. After studying, my friend, Shawna, and I walked to Starbucks to get our share of the free coffee. Now, I'm usually a coffee addict, but I haven't been drinking it as much as I do at non-college home. So much so that I'm a gold card member at Starbucks (it took quite some time to achieve such prestige, but I'm proud to say that I made it). The coffee that I had today, though, wasn't really all that, and it made me realize that I'm not really that big on the black as I used to be, which makes me very excited because I don't want to drink it if I don't have to. After that, we came back to the dorm, I worked on more homework, hung out in my room with my friend, Heather, and then went to dinner with some of the "homies" in the hall. At 7:30 was the first night of Convocation. I would explain what it is, but I'm not quite sure myself. I've heard it described as Chapel on steroids, but I didn't see the correlation. To be honest, I kind of dosed off a couple of times; oops. After, I went to a YoungLife thing with Heather because I always wanted to do it, but never had the opportunity. It was kind of awkward and silent, and it confused me a little bit, but I liked it. We came back to the dorm, and here we are.
In regards to the meal plan, today was a good day. I got all of my servings in a manageable way which made my day better. I can't lie, though, I did begin to obsess over what I was going to eat tomorrow, which made it hard for me to focus on what I needed to for the majority of my night. See, I decided that I'm just going to write out menus for a few days and follow them for the remainder of the days of my challenge. It takes out some of the variety of my diet, but it ensures that I get all of my servings, and I won't have to think about or obsess over it. However, tonight I obsessed over it because I was trying to think about how to plan the menu. So now, I'm going to go attempt at planning this menu.
Everyone has their own style. I like to call mine "I don't care what this looks like because I'm really comfortable and you look dumb in your heels, but I'm just saying that because I wish I had the motivation to dress like you." Sometimes I actually do get the motivation to do so, and sometimes I even get compliments on my "style," which is a refreshing change of pace. While it excites me to get compliments when my attempts at style go my way, while I'm excited to be getting over my coffee addiction, and while I'm excited to do this meal plan, I'm not too excited about the obsessing over it. It's supposed to free me from the overwhelming thoughts of food; uh, no. It's just shifted it. However, even though it's not pleasurable to think about what I'm gong to eat, I'm glad that I get to experience it because I know that when it's all said and done, I'm going to be healthy and happy and mighty fine. Maybe I'll get more motivation to dress stylish more often, and I won't even need my coffee addiction to give me a caffeine kick to do so. But then, what am I supposed to do with my Starbucks Gold Member card that I worked so hard and diligently to get?
Food Log: Sunday September 29, 2013:
Breakfast: yogurt; Nature Valley granola bars; orange Juice
Lunch: grilled cheese; veggies; peanut butter; milk
Snack: protein bar
Dinner: beans; rice; stewed tomatoes; cabbage stuff; milk
Snack: milk; bagel
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Day Two: The Waffle Taco and The Weekend
I remember reading an article about Taco Bell releasing a breakfast menu in certain stores across the country, and reading comments about how disgusting some thought it was. Personally, I love Taco Bell. I don't care how their food is made or what it's made of (and that may be because I don't eat meat); it's cheap and it's good. When I heard people around me talk about it, they had the same disgusted opinion as the comments I had read on the article. I think the idea is funny: a "mexican" fast food chain serving breakfast. Yesterday, I had the idea of living dangerously this weekend and trying the Taco Bell breakfast. When I presented the idea to my hall mates, no one wanted to go. Well, so much for that. When I woke up today, I sent a text to my hall asking if anyone would want to get breakfast and got no reply. I proceeded to start making breakfast in my room until my roommate asked if I wanted to go to Taco Bell to get breakfast. I was so excited that she would go with me, so I agreed and off we went. We got to the nearest Taco Bell, and went inside to find about 6 employees working for the other two customers who appeared to be ambulance drivers by their vehicle. We ordered our food (I got the waffle taco without the sausage, and my roommate, Lori got the A.M. crunchwrap surpreme and these little doughnut holes) and sat down at a table. As we waited for our food to be done (yes, we had time to sit while they prepared our meal), we overheard the two ambulance drivers raving about their meal, thus getting our hopes up. We finally got our food and tasted...average, at best. BUT it was only $2.07, a nice roommate bonding experience, and I can say that I tried the T-Bell breakfast.
One of the reasons I wanted to go out for breakfast is because I have a really hard time using my meal plan on the weekends. 1. The food at the dining hall is iffy 2. I like to have meals to use on school days 3. I still haven't figured out how to balance my meals throughout the week, which is especially more dificult now that I am following a meal plan. I'm on the 15 meals per week plan with $60 in flex, so the way that it should work is 2 meals for six days and 3 on one. I also have about a year's worth of food in my dorm, so balancing this out really shouldn't be as difficult as I make it out to be. I suppose that I overthink it because of my eating disorder and I always overthink food. The fact that I'm following a meal plan, too, makes it more challenging for me. Instead of thinking of the fear of eating too many carbs, those carbs turning into sugar, and that sugar making me fat, I now have to think about if I'm getting enough servings of fruit or how I'm going to get protein. It would appear as though it's a never-ending battle: my mind is either consumed by not being hungry for something and not eating it out of fear, or nothing sounding good but knowing I need to eat a certain amount of all of those things I've restricted myself from. As they say, "the struggle is real."
Eating disorders are a very obsessive disease, in that one affected constantly obssesses over food, calories, exercise, etc. It's frustrating for me now because I've shifted those sort of obsessions to obsessing over getting enough food or getting all of my daily servings in. The worst part about it is that it's something I just kind of have to do until the doctors tell me that I don't have to follow a meal plan any more, because I'm still considered malnourished and I can't eat intuitively yet. I'm still excited about my meal plan and the challenge, but I wish that I could just eat what I know I need to and not constantly think about what or where I'm going to eat in order to get those servings in. I don't want to use my meal plan over the weekend, but I'm going to have to if I want to follow the meal plan without it taking over my thoughts. It's one of those things that I need to build a bridge and get over if I want to beat this disorder. If I'm hungry, I need to eat, and that may mean I need to use my meal plan. If worst comes to worst and I run out of meals one week, I can always use my flex or actual cash. My problem is getting that through my head without obsessing over it. I'm trying to use my recovery as a means of re-introducing myself to normalcy, which means not obsessing over little parts of life like food.
The rest of my day was spent thinking about food, my meal plan, and planning everything that has to do with my eating. When I returned from Taco Bell, I spent two hours in my hall's lounge doing a take home quiz for my Old Testament class. Around 12:30, my friend, Michaela, woke up, took a shower, and then we went to lunch at the dining hall with our other friend, Camille. After lunch, we went to Petco, Aldi, Goodwill, and Wal-Mart. As much as I love my school, it's always good to get out of the dorm for at least a little bit. When we returned, I started working on this post, and then went to a diversity event where we learned some cultural dances. After that, we went to Dunkin Donuts and hung out outside for a few minutes. The rest of my evening was spent in my hall, like usual. Over all, a pretty decent day.
The waffle taco from taco bell gave me two grain servings, one protein serving, and two fat/"other" servings, a good balance for breakfast. Just as my taco was balanced for my meal plan, so I need to balance the way I eat, especially on the weekends. I need to balance my thoughts between "normal" and thinking about how to do my meal plan most effectively without it consuming me. Life is all about balance, no matter who you are or what you're going through. Finding that balance is essential to being as close to "normal" as you want to be. Sometimes, the best way to learn about balance is by having the delicacies of Taco Bell.
Food Log: Saturday September 28, 2013:
Breakfast: Waffle Taco from Taco Bell (waffle, eggs); apple.
Lunch: Omelet (eggs, black bean/corn salsa, green peppers, onions, scallions); cottage cheese; mushrooms; cauliflower; tomato sauce; 2 cups of milk.
Snack: Fruit Snacks
Dinner: Fried rice; lo-mein; hot chocolate
Snack: To be determined
One of the reasons I wanted to go out for breakfast is because I have a really hard time using my meal plan on the weekends. 1. The food at the dining hall is iffy 2. I like to have meals to use on school days 3. I still haven't figured out how to balance my meals throughout the week, which is especially more dificult now that I am following a meal plan. I'm on the 15 meals per week plan with $60 in flex, so the way that it should work is 2 meals for six days and 3 on one. I also have about a year's worth of food in my dorm, so balancing this out really shouldn't be as difficult as I make it out to be. I suppose that I overthink it because of my eating disorder and I always overthink food. The fact that I'm following a meal plan, too, makes it more challenging for me. Instead of thinking of the fear of eating too many carbs, those carbs turning into sugar, and that sugar making me fat, I now have to think about if I'm getting enough servings of fruit or how I'm going to get protein. It would appear as though it's a never-ending battle: my mind is either consumed by not being hungry for something and not eating it out of fear, or nothing sounding good but knowing I need to eat a certain amount of all of those things I've restricted myself from. As they say, "the struggle is real."
Eating disorders are a very obsessive disease, in that one affected constantly obssesses over food, calories, exercise, etc. It's frustrating for me now because I've shifted those sort of obsessions to obsessing over getting enough food or getting all of my daily servings in. The worst part about it is that it's something I just kind of have to do until the doctors tell me that I don't have to follow a meal plan any more, because I'm still considered malnourished and I can't eat intuitively yet. I'm still excited about my meal plan and the challenge, but I wish that I could just eat what I know I need to and not constantly think about what or where I'm going to eat in order to get those servings in. I don't want to use my meal plan over the weekend, but I'm going to have to if I want to follow the meal plan without it taking over my thoughts. It's one of those things that I need to build a bridge and get over if I want to beat this disorder. If I'm hungry, I need to eat, and that may mean I need to use my meal plan. If worst comes to worst and I run out of meals one week, I can always use my flex or actual cash. My problem is getting that through my head without obsessing over it. I'm trying to use my recovery as a means of re-introducing myself to normalcy, which means not obsessing over little parts of life like food.
The rest of my day was spent thinking about food, my meal plan, and planning everything that has to do with my eating. When I returned from Taco Bell, I spent two hours in my hall's lounge doing a take home quiz for my Old Testament class. Around 12:30, my friend, Michaela, woke up, took a shower, and then we went to lunch at the dining hall with our other friend, Camille. After lunch, we went to Petco, Aldi, Goodwill, and Wal-Mart. As much as I love my school, it's always good to get out of the dorm for at least a little bit. When we returned, I started working on this post, and then went to a diversity event where we learned some cultural dances. After that, we went to Dunkin Donuts and hung out outside for a few minutes. The rest of my evening was spent in my hall, like usual. Over all, a pretty decent day.
The waffle taco from taco bell gave me two grain servings, one protein serving, and two fat/"other" servings, a good balance for breakfast. Just as my taco was balanced for my meal plan, so I need to balance the way I eat, especially on the weekends. I need to balance my thoughts between "normal" and thinking about how to do my meal plan most effectively without it consuming me. Life is all about balance, no matter who you are or what you're going through. Finding that balance is essential to being as close to "normal" as you want to be. Sometimes, the best way to learn about balance is by having the delicacies of Taco Bell.
Food Log: Saturday September 28, 2013:
Breakfast: Waffle Taco from Taco Bell (waffle, eggs); apple.
Lunch: Omelet (eggs, black bean/corn salsa, green peppers, onions, scallions); cottage cheese; mushrooms; cauliflower; tomato sauce; 2 cups of milk.
Snack: Fruit Snacks
Dinner: Fried rice; lo-mein; hot chocolate
Snack: To be determined
Friday, September 27, 2013
Day One: Miley and A Challenge
I couldn't pay attention at all in my Old Testament class yesterday. Why? I had "We Can't Stop" by Miley Cyrus stuck in my head. It's really quite embarrassing to admit because it's just so awful, but it's also just so catchy. Curse the popular music industry. When I left class, I realized that I had no idea what exactly we did in class, which I knew wouldn't be good when it came time to test our knowledge. However, I wasn't upset or discouraged about it; instead, I was kind of excited. Even though the song that was stuck in my head is an abomination and would make John Lennon roll over in his grave, it was refreshing to have something so popular that anyone can hear consuming my thoughts than what usually does: food. Typically, I can't pay attention in class or most things I get into because the thoughts of food, calories, nutrient count, my weight, and meal planning take over my mind. I hate it. I hate what my warped concept of food has turned my thoughts and life into. I'm an anorexic. I have been for the past four years. I've had my ups and downs, but I've never come out of the pit of an eating disorder. Now, as a freshman in college, I am ready to get out of that pit and I'm more motivated than ever to do so.
I've been through different forms of treatment in my four years of dealing with my eating disorder. Every treatment method I've been through, though, I have always been put on a meal plan. In all four years, I have never 100% followed my meal plan. There have been days when I came close but missed a couple of servings, and there have been days where I wasn't even close. The purpose of a meal plan is to give a reference to the types and amounts of food an individual needs according to their body, metabolism, physical activity level, and purposes for eating (i.e. gaining weight, losing weight, maintaining weight, building muscle, stabilizing blood sugar, etc.). I was given my meal plan after being released from the hospital, where I was admitted because of brachycardia (severely low heart rate), malnutrition, and bad labs. After following the meal plan that the hospital had me on for 9 days, I was given a meal plan and dischardged. Now I have the responsibility to follow that meal plan and continue the recovery that the hospital started.
So, what exactly is this meal plan? Well, it is a re-feeding meal plan made specifically for MY body based on MY metabolism and MY current caloric needs. This isn't a set re-feeding meal plan for everyone, or a guide of what anyone other than myself should be eating. It's mine...YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! :) The meal plan is broken down by food groups to ensure that I get enough variety in my diet along with the calories I need to stabilize my health and body back to normal human standards. Currently, my meal plan consists of 4 dairy servings, 3 protein servings, 4 vegetable servings, 4 fruit servings, 10 grain servings, 6 "others" (the eating disorder codename for "fats"), and 8-9 servings of water. To some, this may seem like a lot, but understanding what a serving is makes all of the difference (i.e. one grain serving could be one slice of bread, or half of a bun; a serving of a fat could be 4 Hershey Kisses or 1 tablespoon of peanut butter). These servings are a minimum requirement; if I wanted to eat more, I could. The serving sizes represent what I currently need to achieve any sense of "normalcy" in regards to nutrition and body functioning.
I want to be healthy, and I want to be normal. Well, I want to be normal in the sense of eating (without thinking about what I'm going to eat, being scared of the effects certain foods, not eating, over-thinking what the concept of food, etc.). I'm ready and motivated to do what I need to do to make this happen. I've presented myself with the challenge of following my meal plan; it is a challenge because I've never been able to follow a meal plan. As with any challenge, there will be a few limitations and ground rules: I will follow my meal plan 100%, I will not consume any soda (a commonly used substance amongst eating disordered people as it is used to supress appetite), I will chew gum only after meals with the intention of freshening my breath (gum is another apepetite suppressor), I will not obsess over food, I will not feel guilty about food, I will attend I.O.P. (Intensive Outpatient) treatment every Monday and Wednesday from 4-8 p.m., I will voice any and all concerns or anxieties with people, and I will be honest about what I eat. Seems easy enough to most people who don't think before they eat; hopefully I will get to that point.
Why exactly am I taking this challenge on? I'm so over this stupid eating disorder Four years may not seem like a long time to some, but when there is a struggle involved in those four years, it seems like an eternity. I'm a freshman in college now, and I want to live my life free from my eating disorder. I want to be like all off the other kids on campus who go out ten minutes before Dunkin Donuts on campus closes to get a doughnut just because it sounds good. I want to live. I want to be healthy so I can have energy to go out and have fun, play shenanigans, and have different experiences. I want to do it for others, especially my family and friends. Eating disorders affect more than just the disordered, and my family is no exception to that. I want to make them proud and free of fear for my life. Above all else, I want to do it to honor God. My faith is the biggest part and key focus of my life. By restricting food and fearing one of the greatest blessings that God has given to me, I basically slap God in the face. I'm destroying the "temple" that He made for me, and I'm not living the life that God intends for me to live in order to glorify Him and His kingdom. Anorexia will either kill me or I'll kill it. I've decided that I would really rather not die, and I am going to take on this challenge to slay this eating disorder like a medieval dragon.
Ultimately through this challenge, I hope to achieve a healthy relationship with myself, the ability to accept myself, decrease (if not eliminate) the amount of comparing I do with myself and others, learn to eat intuitively, build self-esteem, be less selfish, help at least one person in the world deal with one of their issues of any kind, be healthy, not fear food, not feel guilt about eating or the types of food I eat, form a "normal" relationship with food, and finally live a "normal" life. I can do this. There is no doubt in my mind that, with God on my side, I can overcome this illness.
In my next Old Testament class, I'm really hoping that the word of God will overpower Miley Cyrus. I'm really hoping that this challenge will help me in my recovery from my eating disorder. In a way, I can make both of these hopes collaborate and do double duty. The name of the song that was stuck in my head was "We Can't Stop." As horrible as the song may be, it correlates to my challenge: We (minus the we, because it's really just me) can't stop because there is so much riding on my recovery, and We (me) can't stop because I want this more than anything. I won't stop until I'm at my ideal level of "normal." as for Miley, I more than likely will make her stop. Have you seen the video? Just...why? 556aa87b7a272b454aff13720b294d59809a056b012a09a58b
I've been through different forms of treatment in my four years of dealing with my eating disorder. Every treatment method I've been through, though, I have always been put on a meal plan. In all four years, I have never 100% followed my meal plan. There have been days when I came close but missed a couple of servings, and there have been days where I wasn't even close. The purpose of a meal plan is to give a reference to the types and amounts of food an individual needs according to their body, metabolism, physical activity level, and purposes for eating (i.e. gaining weight, losing weight, maintaining weight, building muscle, stabilizing blood sugar, etc.). I was given my meal plan after being released from the hospital, where I was admitted because of brachycardia (severely low heart rate), malnutrition, and bad labs. After following the meal plan that the hospital had me on for 9 days, I was given a meal plan and dischardged. Now I have the responsibility to follow that meal plan and continue the recovery that the hospital started.
So, what exactly is this meal plan? Well, it is a re-feeding meal plan made specifically for MY body based on MY metabolism and MY current caloric needs. This isn't a set re-feeding meal plan for everyone, or a guide of what anyone other than myself should be eating. It's mine...YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! :) The meal plan is broken down by food groups to ensure that I get enough variety in my diet along with the calories I need to stabilize my health and body back to normal human standards. Currently, my meal plan consists of 4 dairy servings, 3 protein servings, 4 vegetable servings, 4 fruit servings, 10 grain servings, 6 "others" (the eating disorder codename for "fats"), and 8-9 servings of water. To some, this may seem like a lot, but understanding what a serving is makes all of the difference (i.e. one grain serving could be one slice of bread, or half of a bun; a serving of a fat could be 4 Hershey Kisses or 1 tablespoon of peanut butter). These servings are a minimum requirement; if I wanted to eat more, I could. The serving sizes represent what I currently need to achieve any sense of "normalcy" in regards to nutrition and body functioning.
I want to be healthy, and I want to be normal. Well, I want to be normal in the sense of eating (without thinking about what I'm going to eat, being scared of the effects certain foods, not eating, over-thinking what the concept of food, etc.). I'm ready and motivated to do what I need to do to make this happen. I've presented myself with the challenge of following my meal plan; it is a challenge because I've never been able to follow a meal plan. As with any challenge, there will be a few limitations and ground rules: I will follow my meal plan 100%, I will not consume any soda (a commonly used substance amongst eating disordered people as it is used to supress appetite), I will chew gum only after meals with the intention of freshening my breath (gum is another apepetite suppressor), I will not obsess over food, I will not feel guilty about food, I will attend I.O.P. (Intensive Outpatient) treatment every Monday and Wednesday from 4-8 p.m., I will voice any and all concerns or anxieties with people, and I will be honest about what I eat. Seems easy enough to most people who don't think before they eat; hopefully I will get to that point.
Why exactly am I taking this challenge on? I'm so over this stupid eating disorder Four years may not seem like a long time to some, but when there is a struggle involved in those four years, it seems like an eternity. I'm a freshman in college now, and I want to live my life free from my eating disorder. I want to be like all off the other kids on campus who go out ten minutes before Dunkin Donuts on campus closes to get a doughnut just because it sounds good. I want to live. I want to be healthy so I can have energy to go out and have fun, play shenanigans, and have different experiences. I want to do it for others, especially my family and friends. Eating disorders affect more than just the disordered, and my family is no exception to that. I want to make them proud and free of fear for my life. Above all else, I want to do it to honor God. My faith is the biggest part and key focus of my life. By restricting food and fearing one of the greatest blessings that God has given to me, I basically slap God in the face. I'm destroying the "temple" that He made for me, and I'm not living the life that God intends for me to live in order to glorify Him and His kingdom. Anorexia will either kill me or I'll kill it. I've decided that I would really rather not die, and I am going to take on this challenge to slay this eating disorder like a medieval dragon.
Ultimately through this challenge, I hope to achieve a healthy relationship with myself, the ability to accept myself, decrease (if not eliminate) the amount of comparing I do with myself and others, learn to eat intuitively, build self-esteem, be less selfish, help at least one person in the world deal with one of their issues of any kind, be healthy, not fear food, not feel guilt about eating or the types of food I eat, form a "normal" relationship with food, and finally live a "normal" life. I can do this. There is no doubt in my mind that, with God on my side, I can overcome this illness.
In my next Old Testament class, I'm really hoping that the word of God will overpower Miley Cyrus. I'm really hoping that this challenge will help me in my recovery from my eating disorder. In a way, I can make both of these hopes collaborate and do double duty. The name of the song that was stuck in my head was "We Can't Stop." As horrible as the song may be, it correlates to my challenge: We (minus the we, because it's really just me) can't stop because there is so much riding on my recovery, and We (me) can't stop because I want this more than anything. I won't stop until I'm at my ideal level of "normal." as for Miley, I more than likely will make her stop. Have you seen the video? Just...why? 556aa87b7a272b454aff13720b294d59809a056b012a09a58b
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