I Did It!...And Why Does Adam Levine Have Blond Hair?

First off, I'm watching "The Voice" and wondering...why the devil does Adam Levine have blond hair? Blond hair doesn't work on Adam Levine. Anyway, I FINISHED INTENSIVE OUTPATIENT TREATMENT (IOP)! I did it! I did it! I did it! AND I finished two weeks early! Who would have guessed I would finish that early, yet I stayed in PHP so late? Kind of funny, really. Regardless, I AM DONE WITH PROLONGED TREATMENT! Now, I'm outpatient level..HOLLAAAAAAAA! That means I'll go up to Children's once a week or every two or three weeks (I'll find out tomorrow at my appointment how much they want to see me). I'm so excited! The only thing that sucks, though, is that I'm still weight restoring which I don't understand. Like, I feel great, my vitals are good, my thoughts are fine, and everyone tells me I look good, so I really don't get why they want me to continue to gain. I asked my therapist about it, and she said I'm only in the 25% of my weight range based on the normal weight range and BMI of people my age and height, which basically means I'm on the small end of the spectrum when it comes to other people with my body type. That was very reassuring. A couple days before that, though, I had a tough moment that put me in a funk for a couple of days. I went to the store with my mom and tried on a size of jeans that I would usually fit it, and they wouldn't go past my butt. It really made me upset about still having to gain weight. I grieved over it because I felt like I had worked so hard for so many years to get to that small size (mind you, by "work" I mean starving myself and exercising to the point of exhaustion), and it just sucked to have to go up. On top of that, I feel like my body is disproportionate because my legs are bigger than my top half. After a day or so of wallowing in bad body image, I bucked up and got over it. That just goes to prove that even when God delivers someone from something, there can still be some pushback.

With that said, I do believe that God has delivered me from my eating disorder. While I still have the fear of being fat (which has been with me throughout my life because I was overweight as a kid), it doesn't hinder me from eating and I'm not afraid of food. Praise God: I ate cake 5 times in one week. Cake is good. I actually eat food that I've been so afraid of eating for years and enjoy it without feeling guilty. I'm so excited about everything going on! One of the biggest things I'm excited about is being able to eat whatever I want without following a meal plan, and without restricting or compensating. I'm excited to start working out to be in shape and fit (I am so out of shape, it's not even a laughing matter). I want to be able to run because I want to feel strong and the sense of freedom I imagine runners feel. Well, I always imagine myself running through a forest in Forks, Washington in a dress like a vampire from "Twilight", and that seems pretty great. I'm just so excited about everything my body will let me do when it's nourished and healthy, but I have to wait until the doctors tell me I'm allowed to do all of that, which is kind of hard since I have no patience at all. I've also really been being affected by negativity, criticism, and judgement. I've been surrounded recently by people who judge other people or say mean things about them, and that makes me really upset. I hate to say it, but I don't step up to defend those people because I'm afraid of confrontation and basically a pansy because I just want everyone to like me. That's something I need to work on. I've also been getting really fired up about when people talk about food, and the matter of "healthy." I really hate society and it's message of "health." One of the dieticians at treatment said something very thought provoking: "It'll be interesting to see how in ten years the obesity rate goes down, but the rate of eating disorders goes up." It's so true! The media is constantly pushing no fat, low carb, whole wheat, "healthy" everything, and as it turns out, that's not right. It's very frustrating when you've learned the truth about something, but everyone else around you is taught something completely different. They've already got what they believe programmed into their brain, so there's practically no way to turn it around. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have a "healthy" diet, but that doesn't mean you should restrict yourself from food that you like that may not be society's current view of "health." Ugh, why is it like this? Why? And for that matter, why does society have to push this image of muscular, fit, skinny, "I need to workout two hours a day and do detox cleansing drinks" type of people? So frustrating! Okay, I'm done venting. When I was in PHP, mom and I started going out to breakfast every Wednesday, and we discovered my two new favorite restaurants: Tasi and The Angry Baker, two places in Columbus. SO divine. LOOOOVEEE it. Tasi makes an incredible version of my favorite food, greek yogurt and granola, while the Angry Baker makes their own rendition of it called "Three Bear Porridge." I could live off of those two dishes. They have other good food, but those are my faves fo sho. I also really love this place in town called Carpe Diem. They make meal replacement/protein shakes, which are also heavenly. I could live on these three foods. I mention all of this because I wanted to try these places for the past few years but never did because I was too afraid to. I say this because I rejoice whenever I get to go to these places because I actually enjoy the food and leave without feeling guilty. This is all because I did treatment, which has blessed me in so many ways. Not only did it save my life, but I met incredible people I'm glad to call my friends, an incredible and inspirational woman as my therapist who was the best I've ever had, and by the power of God, I have been delivered from my eating disorder. While I'm sure that I'll always have that fear of being fat, I don't think about or want to not eat to make sure it doesn't happen. I want to live my life free of fear of food. There are too many things in my life that I have to be excited about: my favorite restaurants, school starting in a little more than a month, being fit and strong, and being closer to the Lord. I praise God because this is all because of Him. Thank you, God. Now if only you could work with Adam Levine's hair, that would be fantastic because I do not know what is going on with that...

Day Twenty-Four: Fear Foods

I love ice cream. One of my favorite dinners is ice cream. I don't care if it's not technically a "meal", there is nothing more fun than ice cream for dinner (except for maybe cereal for dinner...and a great deal of other things). Although I love it so, I also fear it. Well, I fear what it will do to me (a.k.a. make me fat). I hardly ever eat it, and when I do, I usually plan it in advance. Like, I'll plan what I eat the rest of the day and what I do that day if I know that I'm going to have ice cream. That's the way I am with any food that I'm "scared" of. Again, it's not the foods themselves, but what I fear they will do to my body. I've mentioned these foods in a previous post, but to refresh, these foods are desserts, ice cream, candy, cheese, and pretty much any type of grain carbohydrate.

While on this challenge, I planned to eat foods that challenged me. I decided that I would eat the foods that I am "scared" of because, well, why not? So for the past week on different days, I've had different foods that I typically don't eat because I'm scared of them.

One day, I had my first Dunkin Donut. It was pumpkin; it was average. Just a doughnut, nothing special.

A pumpkin doughnut from Dunkin Donuts and a cup of milk.

Me eating a pumpkin doughnut.

On Saturday, I went to the farmers market with my cousins and got a blueberry pancake doughnut, and it was tasty. It was a local, homemade-sort of doughnut, not the freshly fried-from-frozen kind you get from Dunkin. I would definetly get another one.

A blueberry pancake doughnut and hot apple cider.

Tonight, I had my first milkshake from Chik-Fil-A. I got vanilla (because that is my favorite flavor), and it was pretty tasty. Not only did I get a milkshake, but I got a milkshake WITH WHIPPED CREAM. I would usually NEVER do that, but I'm living dangerously with my foods, so I just went for it...and I enjoyed it.

A vanilla milkshake from Chik-Fil-A.

Me drinking a Chik-Fil-A milkshake.

Any time after I eat the foods that I'm "scared" of, I always wonder what I was so afraid of. It usually doesn't live up to the expectations that I had for it, and then I feel the exact same after I have it. It's not like I gain 59 pounds after I eat those foods (it takes 3,500 calories in addition to one's daily caloric needs to gain a single pound, by the way). There are no such things as "good" or "bad" foods. Food is food. I know this, but I have a hard time believing it. The human body can't tell a difference between food (it does the same thing with an apple as it would with apple pie). I'm re-introducing myself to these "fear foods" so I can re-introduce myself to "normal" life. If all that means is eating a doughnut or drinking a milkshake every now and then, so be it. I think that I can handle that if I really have to...

The boys that my milkshake did not bring to the yard...

Food Log: Monday October 21, 2013:

Breakfast:
Asiago bagel with jalepeno salsa cream cheese

Lunch:
Beans; cottage cheese; broccoli; brussel sprouts; mushrooms; pickled okra.

Snack:
Apple

Dinner:
Hot'n'spicy shrimp ramen noodle bowl

Snack:
Vanilla Milkshake

Snack:
Naked protein; TBD