A Big Ol' Slab of Meat

I can't decide whether or not I should start eating meat again. You see, I started considering eating meat again a few weeks ago in order to aid in my recovery. I feel as though it would help the recovery process go faster and maybe even be better all around. I'm having a hard time, though, because I've formed a lot of my identity out of being vegetarian. There lies my struggle: being a vegetarian isn't who I am, it's an aspect of me. I want to have my identity be in Christ, but instead a great deal of it lies in my vegetarian lifestyle, which I don't think is good. The only reason that I'm a vegetarian now is because 1.) I think it sounds cool 2.) It's easier 3.) I'm used to it 4.) Meat doesn't sound good 5.) I want to beat my Dad (who was vegetarian for 17 years) 6.) EVEN THOUGH IT'S THE FARTHEST THING FROM THE TRUTH, I feel like I would be disappointing my Dad (which I can't stand the thought of) 7.) I'd feel like a failure if I ate meat 8.) It's one way I can restrict. Now, I know that none of these are legitamate reasons for living such a lifestyle, and the last one is blatantly obvious that I shouldn't be. But it's so hard.

I am terrified. The aspect of giving my diet/lifestyle up scares the jeepers out of me. I talked to my therapist last week, and she said that she thought I should eat meat. I talked to my Dad, and he said that I should eat meat. I talked to my closest friends, and they all said that I should eat meat. I talked to one of the nutritionists at I.O.P. last week, and she told me that I could recover either way. We made a pros and cons list, which went something like this...

Pros of staying vegetarian:
I don't have to change
I can keep my identity of vegetarianism
I can live the lifestyle I think is so cool
I have more options of nutritious vegetarian food in college
I have more options of nutritious vegetarian food now that I'm not as scared to eat it
Vegetarianism is gaining popularity, making it easier to find vegetarian options


Cons of being vegetarian:
I see myself as being a vegetarian instead of Zoe
It's a way for me to restrict
There are more readily available sources of meat in the world 
Meat is more nutrient-dense

There are more pros, I guess, than cons, but I also guess it's one of those "more bang for your buck" situations (if that makes sense). There may be more pros, but the reasoning behind the cons are more logical.

I was an emotional wreck this weekend because of this decision that I need to make. I'm having such a hard time because I ultimately feel like God is calling me to eat meat. I feel like my diet is shifting my focus away from Him. Again, I get my identity out of my vegetarian lifestyle instead of God, which is a major problem. I'm so stinking scared to give it up, though. That's a problem that all Christians who feel a call from God that they may not be keen on go through, though. I'm terrified because I feel as though God is calling me to eat meat and I'm not ready for it. I want to respond to His call, but I'm just so scared. I know it sounds ridiculous and stupid (at least to me) when I think about it: it's just food, eat it. But then I think of other things: if I eat meat, I feel like I'll start restricting myself of other foods (like grains, dessert, ice cream, cheese) that I've just started to eat again. I'm scared that eating meat will make me "fat," even though logically I know that's not true; there are a ton of anorexics who eat meat, for Pete's pampers. This disease is not a good time, man.

Here's what I've concluded: I have to start eating meat. Not necessarily for my health, but for my spirituality. I could recover from my eating disorder as a vegetarian, but I think my walk with God will be minimized. I've resolved that I'm just going to try meat again. I don't know when, I don't know how, and I don't know what it will be, but at some point within this next week, I'm at least going to try it. I may not keep up with it, but I'm going to try. I'm also going to pray that God reveals to  me if it really is what He wants for me. I just want to serve and honor Him in everything I do, and if that includes doing something that pulls me out of my comfort zone, so be it. Yes, I'm scared out of my whits, but I know that everything that God does in my life is for my own good. I'm not going to lie, I don't feel God at all in my life right now. I don't know why I have such a hard time deciding whether or not to eat meat, why I have this burden of an eating disorder, why I can't think like a normal person, why I can't eat like a normal person, why I can't just serve God like I want to. Still, I know God is there, and He loves me. My hope lies in Him. I'm having a hard time trusting Him right now, but I trust that He will do what is best for me. So Zoe and meat....to be continued...

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us a glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes, not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
-2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Day Twenty-Four: Fear Foods

I love ice cream. One of my favorite dinners is ice cream. I don't care if it's not technically a "meal", there is nothing more fun than ice cream for dinner (except for maybe cereal for dinner...and a great deal of other things). Although I love it so, I also fear it. Well, I fear what it will do to me (a.k.a. make me fat). I hardly ever eat it, and when I do, I usually plan it in advance. Like, I'll plan what I eat the rest of the day and what I do that day if I know that I'm going to have ice cream. That's the way I am with any food that I'm "scared" of. Again, it's not the foods themselves, but what I fear they will do to my body. I've mentioned these foods in a previous post, but to refresh, these foods are desserts, ice cream, candy, cheese, and pretty much any type of grain carbohydrate.

While on this challenge, I planned to eat foods that challenged me. I decided that I would eat the foods that I am "scared" of because, well, why not? So for the past week on different days, I've had different foods that I typically don't eat because I'm scared of them.

One day, I had my first Dunkin Donut. It was pumpkin; it was average. Just a doughnut, nothing special.

A pumpkin doughnut from Dunkin Donuts and a cup of milk.

Me eating a pumpkin doughnut.

On Saturday, I went to the farmers market with my cousins and got a blueberry pancake doughnut, and it was tasty. It was a local, homemade-sort of doughnut, not the freshly fried-from-frozen kind you get from Dunkin. I would definetly get another one.

A blueberry pancake doughnut and hot apple cider.

Tonight, I had my first milkshake from Chik-Fil-A. I got vanilla (because that is my favorite flavor), and it was pretty tasty. Not only did I get a milkshake, but I got a milkshake WITH WHIPPED CREAM. I would usually NEVER do that, but I'm living dangerously with my foods, so I just went for it...and I enjoyed it.

A vanilla milkshake from Chik-Fil-A.

Me drinking a Chik-Fil-A milkshake.

Any time after I eat the foods that I'm "scared" of, I always wonder what I was so afraid of. It usually doesn't live up to the expectations that I had for it, and then I feel the exact same after I have it. It's not like I gain 59 pounds after I eat those foods (it takes 3,500 calories in addition to one's daily caloric needs to gain a single pound, by the way). There are no such things as "good" or "bad" foods. Food is food. I know this, but I have a hard time believing it. The human body can't tell a difference between food (it does the same thing with an apple as it would with apple pie). I'm re-introducing myself to these "fear foods" so I can re-introduce myself to "normal" life. If all that means is eating a doughnut or drinking a milkshake every now and then, so be it. I think that I can handle that if I really have to...

The boys that my milkshake did not bring to the yard...

Food Log: Monday October 21, 2013:

Breakfast:
Asiago bagel with jalepeno salsa cream cheese

Lunch:
Beans; cottage cheese; broccoli; brussel sprouts; mushrooms; pickled okra.

Snack:
Apple

Dinner:
Hot'n'spicy shrimp ramen noodle bowl

Snack:
Vanilla Milkshake

Snack:
Naked protein; TBD