Mirrors and Tears

Well, it's been 6 months in recovery. I've been through hard times where I thought I wouldn't make it, and I've been through glorious times of triumph where I felt God's hand on my life and Him guiding me in this journey. Here I am now, and to be honest, now is absolutely terrible. It is the worst I've been in the recovery process. Actually, it's the worst I've been since the eating disorder started. So here's what's been happening.... It's always been my dream to go to California. Actually, I've always felt called to live there even though I had never been. Well, I found that I had the time and money to be able to go, so I did it. I went to Santa Clarita, California to visit one of my best friend's from Lee who is from California. I used my own money to buy my airfare and activities. Now, I HATE, LOATHE, DESPISE spending money. I put all of the money I make into my savings account and don't touch it. I'm blessed and spoiled to have the parents that I have because they give me everything I want and need, which has transpired into a bad thing because I rely on them for everything. Regardless, spending money is not my thing, so making this huge investment was a huge move for me. However, I didn't realize that until I was actually there. The first night, I realized how much money I had spent and how much I was about to spend, and I became incredibly depressed and stressed and anxious, and I wished I wouldn't have gone at all, but I was already in it so I had to make the most of it. I spent half of the time miserable, but half of the time having a lot of fun. We went to Disneyland, Universal Studios, the beach, San Diego, and we hung out with her friends. I really enjoyed spending time with her friends because I have so much in common with them and I wish that I had friends like that (not that I don't love the friends I do have). So with all of that fun going on, why was I so miserable, you ask? Because of the money. So much money. On top of money, eating and I don't have a very good history. Because I was so stressed about spending money, I literally spent the entire week starving because I was too scared to spend money on food. I brought a lot of snacky food, so I ate that instead of buying food. On the bright side of that, though, I didn't eat because I was too stressed about money and not the food itself , which would have been the case in the past. Praise God for that. To wrap that up, I could not wait to get on that plane back to Ohio, which is really sad because I would love to stay in Cali forever if I wasn't so stressed about money. And then I returned home...and the depression began. I can't put my finger on what exactly sparked it, but I have become insanely depressed, more so than I have felt in years. Very unfortunate since I also just got out of a forever long funk and finally beginning to feel happy. While I don't know what caused the depression, I do know why I feel depressed. I hate the way I look. HATE. Call me a typical anorexic, but I'm fat. Well, medically, physically, "health" wise I'm not fat, but to me, I'm a house. I don't feel like I look the way that I'm supposed to. I feel too big for how I should look, and this is eating at me to the core. Every time that I look in the mirror, I either feel physically sick or I want to break down in tears. I don't want to go out and do things because I don't want people to see me. I don't want to see people from high school because I don't want them to see how big I've gotten. I've been working as much as possible because it's the only thing that takes my mind off of my body. I feel stuck because I used to be able to control my weight and appearance by starving myself, however, after going through a week of that in California, I don't want to do that ever again. I'm also still going through treatment, so I can't do that there either. All that I want to do is go on a diet. Like, that would literally make me so happy. What I need to do is start working out so that I can get toned and everything, but I don't know what to do or how to do it, and quite frankly, I hate working out. I'm way out of shape and I get bored easily. That's more of a "suck it up and get over it" situation, but it's what it is right now. Right now, I just wish I never would have left Lee to go into treatment. At the same time, though, I'm thankful I did because if I hadn't, I'd be dead. What a double-edged sword. People often say "would you rather be fat and happy or skinny and sad?" Well, right now I'm fat and sad so where does that get me? Exactly. I feel more sad now than I did when I was incredibly sick. I don't plan on changing, though. I still plan on following my meal plan and trying to get through this. Still, I'd rather be skinny than healthy. I could care less about being healthy. I've learned that eating disorders suck and they are awful, but the matter of fact is, almost every single person on the face of the earth have some sort of distortion with food or eating. So no matter where you go or who you meet, people are going to have something "disordered" about their eating. My attitude right now is who really cares if I diet? The rest of society does it, so why can't I? You see, I hate society and the media. It makes people feel like garbage and like they aren't good enough. That's why there are so many diets and exercises and eating disorders and plastic surgeries in the world. Even though I feel that way, I am falling into society's trap. This depression has made me vulnerable and mean. I've been showing the classic symptoms of a bully, where they don't like themselves so they're mean to others. In my case, it's my mom. I feel terrible every time I say something mean to my mom, but I just keep doing it. I try to avoid her as much as possible because I don't want to hurt her, which hurts me because I want to be able to talk to her without being mean. I talk to my dad a lot about what's going on, which I know also hurts my mom. Needless to say, that relationship needs major work. Now on to my faith. Well, that's a weird subject in the midst of this. I'm not mad at God, and I don't blame Him for what's going on. I still believe that there is a greater good to come out of this all. However, I'm having a hard time giving these problems up to God. When it comes down to it, I guess I don't want to. I want to feel miserable so that I can have the motivation to lose weight. In reality, I need to be in prayer and communication with God, asking Him to give me confidence and acceptance that this body is what it needs to be, and it is beautiful the way it is. Right now, though, that isn't happening. I have to do my hair or makeup to feel slightly pretty, and I feel disgusting if I wear anything other than t-shirts and gym shorts (which, I might add, hardly fit me anyway). I'm sorry that this isn't a very happy or inspiring post. It may be even down right depressing or triggering. However, this is what recovery looks like with the ups and downs. This is a major down, but with that, there will be a major up. I don't know when that will be or what it will look like, but I have faith that God is going to move in my life. I just hope that it's soon because this stage of life really stinks.

A Big Ol' Slab of Meat

I can't decide whether or not I should start eating meat again. You see, I started considering eating meat again a few weeks ago in order to aid in my recovery. I feel as though it would help the recovery process go faster and maybe even be better all around. I'm having a hard time, though, because I've formed a lot of my identity out of being vegetarian. There lies my struggle: being a vegetarian isn't who I am, it's an aspect of me. I want to have my identity be in Christ, but instead a great deal of it lies in my vegetarian lifestyle, which I don't think is good. The only reason that I'm a vegetarian now is because 1.) I think it sounds cool 2.) It's easier 3.) I'm used to it 4.) Meat doesn't sound good 5.) I want to beat my Dad (who was vegetarian for 17 years) 6.) EVEN THOUGH IT'S THE FARTHEST THING FROM THE TRUTH, I feel like I would be disappointing my Dad (which I can't stand the thought of) 7.) I'd feel like a failure if I ate meat 8.) It's one way I can restrict. Now, I know that none of these are legitamate reasons for living such a lifestyle, and the last one is blatantly obvious that I shouldn't be. But it's so hard.

I am terrified. The aspect of giving my diet/lifestyle up scares the jeepers out of me. I talked to my therapist last week, and she said that she thought I should eat meat. I talked to my Dad, and he said that I should eat meat. I talked to my closest friends, and they all said that I should eat meat. I talked to one of the nutritionists at I.O.P. last week, and she told me that I could recover either way. We made a pros and cons list, which went something like this...

Pros of staying vegetarian:
I don't have to change
I can keep my identity of vegetarianism
I can live the lifestyle I think is so cool
I have more options of nutritious vegetarian food in college
I have more options of nutritious vegetarian food now that I'm not as scared to eat it
Vegetarianism is gaining popularity, making it easier to find vegetarian options


Cons of being vegetarian:
I see myself as being a vegetarian instead of Zoe
It's a way for me to restrict
There are more readily available sources of meat in the world 
Meat is more nutrient-dense

There are more pros, I guess, than cons, but I also guess it's one of those "more bang for your buck" situations (if that makes sense). There may be more pros, but the reasoning behind the cons are more logical.

I was an emotional wreck this weekend because of this decision that I need to make. I'm having such a hard time because I ultimately feel like God is calling me to eat meat. I feel like my diet is shifting my focus away from Him. Again, I get my identity out of my vegetarian lifestyle instead of God, which is a major problem. I'm so stinking scared to give it up, though. That's a problem that all Christians who feel a call from God that they may not be keen on go through, though. I'm terrified because I feel as though God is calling me to eat meat and I'm not ready for it. I want to respond to His call, but I'm just so scared. I know it sounds ridiculous and stupid (at least to me) when I think about it: it's just food, eat it. But then I think of other things: if I eat meat, I feel like I'll start restricting myself of other foods (like grains, dessert, ice cream, cheese) that I've just started to eat again. I'm scared that eating meat will make me "fat," even though logically I know that's not true; there are a ton of anorexics who eat meat, for Pete's pampers. This disease is not a good time, man.

Here's what I've concluded: I have to start eating meat. Not necessarily for my health, but for my spirituality. I could recover from my eating disorder as a vegetarian, but I think my walk with God will be minimized. I've resolved that I'm just going to try meat again. I don't know when, I don't know how, and I don't know what it will be, but at some point within this next week, I'm at least going to try it. I may not keep up with it, but I'm going to try. I'm also going to pray that God reveals to  me if it really is what He wants for me. I just want to serve and honor Him in everything I do, and if that includes doing something that pulls me out of my comfort zone, so be it. Yes, I'm scared out of my whits, but I know that everything that God does in my life is for my own good. I'm not going to lie, I don't feel God at all in my life right now. I don't know why I have such a hard time deciding whether or not to eat meat, why I have this burden of an eating disorder, why I can't think like a normal person, why I can't eat like a normal person, why I can't just serve God like I want to. Still, I know God is there, and He loves me. My hope lies in Him. I'm having a hard time trusting Him right now, but I trust that He will do what is best for me. So Zoe and meat....to be continued...

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us a glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes, not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
-2 Corinthians 4:17-18