Call Me "Carnivore"

I did it. After four years, I did it. I ate meat. After having a HUGE part of my identity being my vegetarian diet and lifestyle for four years, I ate meat. Woah.

It wasn't as bad as I was anticipating. I kind of imagined myself having an emotional breakdown and taking two and a half hours to chew the animal flesh, but it didn't go like that at all. I went to the cafeteria for dinner with the intention to eat meat. They didn't have anything meaty on the menu that sounded too great, so I just went to the deli station and customized my own sandwich. I figured I might as well get something I kind of wanted/wouldn't make me sick. Now, I'm sure you're DYING to know what I had...well, it was a garlic wrap with TURKEY, onion, tomato, lettuce, mayo, and mustard, grilled. So how was it? Honestly, not that great. I really don't understand why people consume meat because it's really not that great. My sandwich was bland and not something I would willingly seek, yet people do it every day. To each their own. I realize that not all foods are created equal, especially when it comes to taste, so I'll continue to try different kinds of meat. The thing is, the only kinds of meat that sounds slightly appetizing are that of the cow, but I don't want to eat cow because their eyes make me sad. I also have a deep, passionate loathing for chickens, turkeys, and other birds, so if I'm going to eat meat, I really don't mind eating poultry because, as far as I'm concerned, they can die whether people are consuming them or not. I've been eating fish since July, and that always sounds good, so I'm not too concerned about that.

My turkey wrap

Close-up encounter with my meat-filled wrap

Since I started toying with the idea of eating mammal meat, and now that I have, I've been thinking of things that sound good that I want. I concluded meatball subs, cheeseburgers, Taco Bell, sloppy joes, and chicken burritos. The only downside to that is that I'll probs have to spend money on them, which I hate the thought of. I've also concluded that I'll eat meat 1.) If it truly sounds good and 2.) If there are no other means of adequate nutrition around. Mammal meat just really never sounds too great, so if I can eat without it, I'm going to eat like a "normal" person and eat what I like. Fingers crossed I can stay in that mind set of "intuitive" eating and not make it about fearing food.

Even though my meal tonight wasn't necessarily world's best, it was a major step. Looking back, I wish I would have just gotten a meatball sub from Subway, but that can be for another day. I'm actually kind of excited for my re-discovered meat consumption because it opens up the door for even more options of things I can eat when I'm out. I'm really hoping it makes my hair grow really long, too. So as of November 12, 2013, call me an omnivore. At least for now...

A Big Ol' Slab of Meat

I can't decide whether or not I should start eating meat again. You see, I started considering eating meat again a few weeks ago in order to aid in my recovery. I feel as though it would help the recovery process go faster and maybe even be better all around. I'm having a hard time, though, because I've formed a lot of my identity out of being vegetarian. There lies my struggle: being a vegetarian isn't who I am, it's an aspect of me. I want to have my identity be in Christ, but instead a great deal of it lies in my vegetarian lifestyle, which I don't think is good. The only reason that I'm a vegetarian now is because 1.) I think it sounds cool 2.) It's easier 3.) I'm used to it 4.) Meat doesn't sound good 5.) I want to beat my Dad (who was vegetarian for 17 years) 6.) EVEN THOUGH IT'S THE FARTHEST THING FROM THE TRUTH, I feel like I would be disappointing my Dad (which I can't stand the thought of) 7.) I'd feel like a failure if I ate meat 8.) It's one way I can restrict. Now, I know that none of these are legitamate reasons for living such a lifestyle, and the last one is blatantly obvious that I shouldn't be. But it's so hard.

I am terrified. The aspect of giving my diet/lifestyle up scares the jeepers out of me. I talked to my therapist last week, and she said that she thought I should eat meat. I talked to my Dad, and he said that I should eat meat. I talked to my closest friends, and they all said that I should eat meat. I talked to one of the nutritionists at I.O.P. last week, and she told me that I could recover either way. We made a pros and cons list, which went something like this...

Pros of staying vegetarian:
I don't have to change
I can keep my identity of vegetarianism
I can live the lifestyle I think is so cool
I have more options of nutritious vegetarian food in college
I have more options of nutritious vegetarian food now that I'm not as scared to eat it
Vegetarianism is gaining popularity, making it easier to find vegetarian options


Cons of being vegetarian:
I see myself as being a vegetarian instead of Zoe
It's a way for me to restrict
There are more readily available sources of meat in the world 
Meat is more nutrient-dense

There are more pros, I guess, than cons, but I also guess it's one of those "more bang for your buck" situations (if that makes sense). There may be more pros, but the reasoning behind the cons are more logical.

I was an emotional wreck this weekend because of this decision that I need to make. I'm having such a hard time because I ultimately feel like God is calling me to eat meat. I feel like my diet is shifting my focus away from Him. Again, I get my identity out of my vegetarian lifestyle instead of God, which is a major problem. I'm so stinking scared to give it up, though. That's a problem that all Christians who feel a call from God that they may not be keen on go through, though. I'm terrified because I feel as though God is calling me to eat meat and I'm not ready for it. I want to respond to His call, but I'm just so scared. I know it sounds ridiculous and stupid (at least to me) when I think about it: it's just food, eat it. But then I think of other things: if I eat meat, I feel like I'll start restricting myself of other foods (like grains, dessert, ice cream, cheese) that I've just started to eat again. I'm scared that eating meat will make me "fat," even though logically I know that's not true; there are a ton of anorexics who eat meat, for Pete's pampers. This disease is not a good time, man.

Here's what I've concluded: I have to start eating meat. Not necessarily for my health, but for my spirituality. I could recover from my eating disorder as a vegetarian, but I think my walk with God will be minimized. I've resolved that I'm just going to try meat again. I don't know when, I don't know how, and I don't know what it will be, but at some point within this next week, I'm at least going to try it. I may not keep up with it, but I'm going to try. I'm also going to pray that God reveals to  me if it really is what He wants for me. I just want to serve and honor Him in everything I do, and if that includes doing something that pulls me out of my comfort zone, so be it. Yes, I'm scared out of my whits, but I know that everything that God does in my life is for my own good. I'm not going to lie, I don't feel God at all in my life right now. I don't know why I have such a hard time deciding whether or not to eat meat, why I have this burden of an eating disorder, why I can't think like a normal person, why I can't eat like a normal person, why I can't just serve God like I want to. Still, I know God is there, and He loves me. My hope lies in Him. I'm having a hard time trusting Him right now, but I trust that He will do what is best for me. So Zoe and meat....to be continued...

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us a glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes, not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
-2 Corinthians 4:17-18