Meant To Be Posted New Year's Day...Oopsie

Happy New Year! You know, I was sitting in bed thinking about how weird it is that we celebrate New Year's. Like, we celebrate a date. Not a date that commemorates anything special, but just a date. I spent my New Year's this year at a friends' party. It was nice, but I hate being out late (especially in the Winter), so I went home and hung out with my dad. And to be honest, that is my idea of a good New Year's celebration. So, tis the season. Not a lot had happened since my last post. I still love my job. Like, LOVE my job. When people ask me how it is, I tell them it's the second best thing that's ever happened to me (the first being Jesus, of course). I've been trying to be very prayerful about my decision on whether or not to return to school. I've been worried about what I will do with my time if I don't go to school, because I like to be constantly busy and I try not to have down time during the day. I talked to my managers about potentially working full time. They said a few more hours might be opening up in mid-February/early March, but nothing full-time yet. That was pretty discouraging to hear, because until that point I felt confident that God wanted me to take another semester off, and then I was left uncertain. However, the more time goes on and I continue to pray about it, I don't feel led to return to school next semester. There is really no part of me that feels a pressing need or desire to go back right away. Right now, I'm in a season of life where I'm perfectly content and happy with the way things are. I love my job, I love my family and friends, and things are just good. This is really exciting for me because I've never really felt like this. I don't know what's going to happen to me in the future or where I'm going to go or what I'm going to do, and I'm okay with it. Sure, I still plan my days out in terms of meeting people, what I'll eat, what I'll wear, and small things like that, but I've begun to surrender the big things to God...and it feels so freeing. Now about the small things, that's still a work in progress. I know I need to surrender EVERYTHING to Him, so that is what I want to work on this year. My eating has been okay. I say "okay" because I no longer struggle with fear of food or what it will do to my body, and I don't use it as a coping mechanism for my stress and anxiety. I do struggle with hunger cues and controlling food though. Like I said, God has allowed me to surrender a lot of my desires for control onto Him. However, I have an eating disorder and that son-of-a-gun knows where to hit me. When I give up one thing in my life, the disorder fights back and tries to hit me where I'm most vulnerable (a.k.a. food). When I say that I'm struggling, my struggles are essentially just me planning what I'm going to eat in advance, and getting wigged out if they don't go according to plan. I need to practice flexibility (both in life and body because I can hardly touch my toes anymore...). But other than that, I don't really think about food or have eating disorder thoughts. This is a double-edge sword because while it is incredibly liberating and exciting, it can also be very dangerous if I don't stay on my guard. I've been praying for God to help me give up my desire for control onto Him, and for Him to help me eat without planning or worrying. “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?" -Matthew 6:25 The biggest things that God has been revealing to me in the past couple of months is "do not be afraid". My quiet times with Him are the most refreshing, pleasurable part of my days. It's actually funny to say that because there are days where I don't have my quiet time just because I "don't have time", or I'm too comfortable to get up, get out my bible, and read. I've found that I have to go out somewhere in public (like a coffee shop) to read, or else I get too distracted at home. It's amazing how God pursues us and just wants us to spend time with Him. I say it's amazing because you feel amazing after you do it. Sure, you may be convicted in your time, or you may struggle along the way, but (at least for me) I feel like I'm participating in a never-ending relationship with the King of Kings, and He actually wants to spend that time with me. It's very exciting, I say all of this to encourage and just share how I experience God and how freaking awesome it can be. I've also found that God likes coffee because He enjoys communicating with me over a cup of coffee. (Disclaimer: this has not been scripturally proven true or false). In the New Year, my resolution is going to be to obey God. Writing that out is actually embarrassing because when I say it, I think "well why do you need a New Year to do that? You should be doing it every day anyway." My answer to that is I'm human and humans don't always think in the most logical or even spiritual terms. BUT today is the first day of the new year, so I will be obedient. I'm both excited and terrified about this resolution. Excited because who knows what the Lord has in store for me, but terrified because who knows what the Lord has in store for me. This will be my first year not in rehab (fingers crossed we can keep that up). This will be my first year choosing to work and not go to school. This will be my first year to be in a relationship (details in progress). Most of all, this will be my first year that I go into it trying to dedicate my life to serving and loving the Lord. Like I said, exciting but terrifying.

The Panic Switch (which was supposed to be posted a week ago)

I'm sitting in my room waiting for my hair to dry. I figured I'd write a blog post because why not? So I got back from California last Saturday. Actually, I flew home on Saturday night with my mom and stayed at home. Let's start out with the flight... The flight back home was AWFUL. I had the worst travel/flying anxiety that I have ever had in my life. I was 100% terrified that the plane was going to rip apart in the air, or burst into flames (like what happened on one episode of "The Twilight Zone." I didn't, however, fear that there was a creature on the wing of the plane.). The days leading up to the flight, I had a really bad feeling about flying and I was very paranoid about it. When we were still in Cali, my best friend texted me and told me that she had a horrible nightmare about me where I died. Needless to say, this did nothing to help my paranoia. I thought "what if this dream is a sign?" I also told my mom about it, which I really shouldn't have done because then she worried (it's what she does). While flying, we went through horrible turbulence. I gripped my mom's arm for dear life, convinced that we were going down. The entire time I begged God not to take me, and if He did, to take me before the plane actually exploded or something so I wouldn't feel pain. We successfully made it into Cleveland, Ohio, not dead, being greeted by my dad. I felt safe as soon as we touched ground and began our 3 hour road trip back to Newark. The next day we went out to breakfast at Early Birds (a fantastic little breakfast place in Newark), and then later we went to the coffee shop that I've always dreamed of working at and my other best friend just so happens to work at. It was so good to be home, but unfortunately, it had to end, and I had to return to Tennessee. My dad took me to the airport and we were running late. The baggage check man said my bag might not make it to Nashville, which sent me into panic. Then I rushed to security to find an enormous line, which increased my panic as my flight had already started boarding. I called my parents on the verge of tears when I looked up and realized I was at the wrong gate. I rushed over to the right one, found no wait for security, breezed through, and got on my flight with ease. That was God. This flight wasn't as bad as the other one, but I was still scared. I had a stress ball in place of my mom's arm and it wasn't the same. I made it to Nashville safely and alive. I got my car, drove back to Lee, and I felt safe...for the time being. Two days later, I talked to my mom on the phone after she had woken up early worrying about me. The dream my friend had was the cause of this worry. On top of that dream, we met a woman in California who's daughter died of Bulimia. That made my mom extra super worried, and honestly, it did me too. I always hear about how eating disorders are the number one cause of death in mental illness, but I had never actually heard of a real person dying. I got scared that after all that I've put my body through in the years of the eating disorder, I was going to die too. I made the adult-ish decision to stop being vegan in order to ease my mother's worry (because of course that worried her), and I just feel like it's what God wants me to do right now. I still dream of being vegan, but we will save that for a later time. That night, I made the worst decision of my life to watch the Lifetime movie (so you know it's quality), "Starving in Suburbia." It's about a girl who develops an eating disorder after discovering the Pro-Ana websites. Now, this movie was pretty far-fetched and unrealistic to me. Maybe it was just because my experience wasn't like what they portrayed. But it also brought me back to a time when I was deep in my eating disorder, and all that I wanted was to lose weight, nothing else mattered. In the end, you find out her brother had an eating disorder and he died. Great. That's two people I've heard of or seen die of an eating disorder in one week. That movie left me feeling very afraid and my anxiety continued to increase. I say "continued" because my anxiety from the plane ride never really went away. Before I left for California, my acid reflux had been acting up, and when I returned, it came on full force. I began being short of breath, my heart beat was off, and I just felt weird. A girl that was in my hall freshman year came up to me out of the blue and told me she had been dreaming about me. "What? Why? What happened?" She couldn't remember, but it increased my paranoia. Why were all of these people dreaming about me? Am I dying and God is sending signs? It freaked me out. The next few days were hellacious. I went to bed every night on the verge of tears, begging God not to take me. I don't want to die, especially not like that: not by my heart giving out in the middle of the night in Tennessee away from half of the people I love. My symptoms had me living in constant terror, and I believed I was just a breath away from my last. Friday night came and I was sitting in the dorm lounge, watching TV and talking to my mom on the phone. I couldn't tell my mom what had been going on with me because I didn't want her to worry anymore than she already does. Plus, I was starting to feel better. However, after hanging up, I felt one sharp pain run through my chest and I thought "it's happening. I need to go to the hospital now." I got my shoes on, and went to the hospital in my pajamas and a sweatshirt from high school, all by myself. When I arrived, they did an EKG. I took it that nothing was wrong because I sat there from 10:30 -2:30 before getting in a room. I sat there, by myself, feeling so afraid and alone. I could have texted one of my friends to come, and they would have been there in a heart beat, but I didn't want to bother them. I was afraid and alone because I wasn't anywhere close to home. When I finally got into a room, they hooked me up to a heart monitor, and the readings on it were fine. A nurse practitioner came in a bit later, told me my EKG was fine, and I was good to go. It felt so amazing to hear that I wasn't dying. I was up until 4:17 a.m., and I even tweeted about it. It was such a great feeling. The next day was Saturday, and I woke up and headed over to Panera to do my weekly coffee and homework morning. On the way there, I got pulled over because I made an illegal turn that I didn't know of. He gave me a warning (that was God), and then I had a fantastic latte. I headed back to school, and we had a girls day with a club I'm involved in at Lee, where we painted pumpkins, ate candy, drank apple cider, and watched "The Cheetah Girls." It was such a fun day that was much needed after my horrible week. That night as I was getting ready to go to bed, I checked my phone to see a message from my best friend (who is basically a brother to me), who I hadn't talked to in months. He was asking me how I was doing. "Oh no," I thought. "Is God telling him to text me because I'm going to die and he needs to get his last words in?" I panicked. We ended up talking on the phone, and it was so good to hear from him. But I still went to bed that night begging God not to take me. Sunday night, I watched "The Walking Dead" and began to panic because I had the worst heart burn I've ever had. I later deciphered that was caused by the fake Italian sausage I had eaten for dinner (curse you meat alternatives). Monday came around, and I went to class. I then skipped my next class and slept. I slept for two hours, and when I tried to get up, it was physically difficult for me to get up. I would sit up, and then lay back down. I couldn't help it. I eventually got up, felt nauseous, but had lunch then went to class. Later I felt okay. I thought it was just my body coming down from all of the stress and anxiety I had been under. On Tuesday, I woke up and was feeling pretty good. I went about my day and nothing really felt wrong or weird. And then I made the genius decision to go to get an iced coffee. Now, I hadn't been drinking caffeine in the midst of this week, and you're technically not supposed to drink caffeine if you have anxiety. My body had a TERRIBLE reaction. I felt dizzy, short of breath, and I thought I was going to die (again). I sat in the lounge of my dorm for about 5 hours with one of my best friends (who doesn't even live on campus, I might add), and she just consoled me and listened to me talk and kept my mind busy. She even drove me to Speedway to get a free sub that I had a coupon for. Later, two of my best friends came and prayed and talked with me. I started crying (which I hate doing) and told them that I didn't think I could stay at school the rest of the semester if this was what it would be like. I ended up spending the night at their house off campus because I was too afraid to be alone in case something would happen to me. The next day, I woke up and went to class and things were starting to feel normal. And here we are now, getting ready to go on Fall break. I'm going home which is much needed. I miss home a lot. This week has been the scariest week of my life. I've only had one real anxiety attack (besides the one I faked my sophomore year of high school to get out of a golf tournament) and it wasn't as scary as this one. I've been trying to rely on God and keep the verse that says "do not be anxious about anything" in mind, but when you feel like there is a very real threat, that's hard to do.

Home Is Wherever My Heart Is

"Did she go to Lee?" "Did she stay home?" "Why hasn't she updated this in months?" Fear not! All of your biggest life questions will be answered! And I apologize that I suck at keeping this blog updated.... woops. When we last left, I was contemplating whether or not I would return to Lee. Well, a decision was made...I DID return to Lee. I spent a few nights tossing and turning because I was so stressed out and anxious about making a decision of whether or not to come back. I missed my friends, I missed the campus, I missed being a normal college kid. On the other hand, I was doing really well in my recovery at home, I had a good job, I had made new friends that I'm really quite fond of, and it would be cheaper for me to go to Ohio State. The way that I saw it was like my head was in Ohio but my heart was in Tennessee. So, I listened to my heart and decided to come back to Lee. Before returning, though, there was summer. To be honest, it was the best summer that I've had in about 7 or 8 years. I wasn't afraid of food, spending money, or living. I made really beautiful friendships where we could have intimate Jesus talks and go on adventures. I went to Panera to spend time with Jesus a lot. I just spent time with Jesus more than I ever had before. I went to the gym and got ripped. I ate bagels almost daily and did so without being afraid of their effect on my body. It was just great all around. However, I missed the people I consider my best friends at Lee, and that is what ultimately made up my mind about whether or not to return. So I got back in August, and my family brought me down. I was so looking forward to it because it was like a little vacation for us, and it was just so great to be around my family. And then they left, and my heart was sad. How could that be? I was in the place my heart was most happy...or so I thought. The first couple of days back were extremely stressful. I haven't been in school since last December, so getting back into a routine of classes was a bit overwhelming. My student loans and financial aid didn't work out like they used to and that caused a whole mess of stress. I picked up the routine of going to bed around 10 at the latest over the summer, and all of my friends at Lee stay up to the wee hours of dawn...I can't. I love my friends, but I feel like I never see them. I sleep a lot now because I honestly don't have anything better to do. I really just don't care about studying or doing the whole school thing. And then one weekend I realized it...I'm depressed. It's a weird feeling of depression, though, one I've never experienced before. I feel very optimistic and positive like I usually am, but I feel physically depressed. The only time I get excited is when I think about going home for fall or winter break. I miss the north. I miss the cold. I miss Ohio....I NEVER dreamed I would say any of those things, but here we are. I realized that I really don't like Lee. Like, the only reason I'm there is for my friends, which I've admitted before. I feel disconnected from God when I'm there (which I don't understand), and the vibes are all off there. I haven't felt any sense of peace since the moment our tires hit Tennessee soil. Another big stressor the first few days back were with...you guessed it...food. Who would've thought? I was so stressed out my eating got kind of bad. Not as bad as in the past, but definitely no Bueno. I realized that I was seriously limiting myself on what I was eating, so I made a choice that has helped TREMENDOUSLY...I FINALLY went vegan! Now, I know, "how does going vegan help you NOT limit?" Well, I realized that I was restricting vital nutrients (i.e. carbs) because I figured I didn't need them because I still consumed dairy products. This doesn't make any sense nutritionally, but it's the way my mind works. So, I ate all of my non-vegan food (I didn't want to waste it), and took the plunge. So far it has been AWESOME! I'm eating foods I actually love freely, and I've discovered some new tasty vegan treats (hello soy latte from Starbucks). Since I haven't felt peace or happiness about being at Lee, I made a decision I'm 99.9% sure on: I'll be returning home to Ohio next semester. I feel so much peace and excitement over this decision. Sure, I'm a little embarrassed that this will be my third time leaving Lee, but this time it's on MY terms and NOT my illness'. I really just don't care if people think anything about it. My family and friends are supportive, and that's what matters. The big thing now is to earnestly seek the Lord's will for this. It's hard to remember, but it's a big decision I need to be in prayer about (and I admit, I haven't been as much as I should). I do believe, though, that the Lord can speak through feelings, people, and situations. I feel peace about going back. I've been told that money isn't working out at Lee, and I've been told that I'll be supported no matter what choice I make. I here the song by Ed Sheeran that says "wait for me to come home" pretty much everyday since I've started considering returning. There was also a night this summer where I was up all night anxious and stressed trying to decide whether or not to return to Lee, and the words "I want you here" came into my head. I didn't know if that was God or me, but I chose to believe it was just me. It's a battle in my head, though, because what if that's all just me wanting to go home? I'm confused because I thought returning to Lee was me and not God, and now I'm wondering if that night God really did say "I want you here" and meant in Ohio. #prayerprobz. I'm looking into Ohio Christian University, and then obviously OSU-N as a backup. I'm really hoping I like Ohio Christian and that the financing part works out because I could still have my dream college experience, potentially meet a good Christian man, my credits appear to be able to transfer beautifully, and I would be in the place I love. I'll keep you posted on my end decision, hopefully before I'm there. For now, prayers for God's guidance, strength, and determination are what I need. Thanks, fam. PEACE ONE LOVE.