Home Is Wherever My Heart Is

"Did she go to Lee?" "Did she stay home?" "Why hasn't she updated this in months?" Fear not! All of your biggest life questions will be answered! And I apologize that I suck at keeping this blog updated.... woops. When we last left, I was contemplating whether or not I would return to Lee. Well, a decision was made...I DID return to Lee. I spent a few nights tossing and turning because I was so stressed out and anxious about making a decision of whether or not to come back. I missed my friends, I missed the campus, I missed being a normal college kid. On the other hand, I was doing really well in my recovery at home, I had a good job, I had made new friends that I'm really quite fond of, and it would be cheaper for me to go to Ohio State. The way that I saw it was like my head was in Ohio but my heart was in Tennessee. So, I listened to my heart and decided to come back to Lee. Before returning, though, there was summer. To be honest, it was the best summer that I've had in about 7 or 8 years. I wasn't afraid of food, spending money, or living. I made really beautiful friendships where we could have intimate Jesus talks and go on adventures. I went to Panera to spend time with Jesus a lot. I just spent time with Jesus more than I ever had before. I went to the gym and got ripped. I ate bagels almost daily and did so without being afraid of their effect on my body. It was just great all around. However, I missed the people I consider my best friends at Lee, and that is what ultimately made up my mind about whether or not to return. So I got back in August, and my family brought me down. I was so looking forward to it because it was like a little vacation for us, and it was just so great to be around my family. And then they left, and my heart was sad. How could that be? I was in the place my heart was most happy...or so I thought. The first couple of days back were extremely stressful. I haven't been in school since last December, so getting back into a routine of classes was a bit overwhelming. My student loans and financial aid didn't work out like they used to and that caused a whole mess of stress. I picked up the routine of going to bed around 10 at the latest over the summer, and all of my friends at Lee stay up to the wee hours of dawn...I can't. I love my friends, but I feel like I never see them. I sleep a lot now because I honestly don't have anything better to do. I really just don't care about studying or doing the whole school thing. And then one weekend I realized it...I'm depressed. It's a weird feeling of depression, though, one I've never experienced before. I feel very optimistic and positive like I usually am, but I feel physically depressed. The only time I get excited is when I think about going home for fall or winter break. I miss the north. I miss the cold. I miss Ohio....I NEVER dreamed I would say any of those things, but here we are. I realized that I really don't like Lee. Like, the only reason I'm there is for my friends, which I've admitted before. I feel disconnected from God when I'm there (which I don't understand), and the vibes are all off there. I haven't felt any sense of peace since the moment our tires hit Tennessee soil. Another big stressor the first few days back were with...you guessed it...food. Who would've thought? I was so stressed out my eating got kind of bad. Not as bad as in the past, but definitely no Bueno. I realized that I was seriously limiting myself on what I was eating, so I made a choice that has helped TREMENDOUSLY...I FINALLY went vegan! Now, I know, "how does going vegan help you NOT limit?" Well, I realized that I was restricting vital nutrients (i.e. carbs) because I figured I didn't need them because I still consumed dairy products. This doesn't make any sense nutritionally, but it's the way my mind works. So, I ate all of my non-vegan food (I didn't want to waste it), and took the plunge. So far it has been AWESOME! I'm eating foods I actually love freely, and I've discovered some new tasty vegan treats (hello soy latte from Starbucks). Since I haven't felt peace or happiness about being at Lee, I made a decision I'm 99.9% sure on: I'll be returning home to Ohio next semester. I feel so much peace and excitement over this decision. Sure, I'm a little embarrassed that this will be my third time leaving Lee, but this time it's on MY terms and NOT my illness'. I really just don't care if people think anything about it. My family and friends are supportive, and that's what matters. The big thing now is to earnestly seek the Lord's will for this. It's hard to remember, but it's a big decision I need to be in prayer about (and I admit, I haven't been as much as I should). I do believe, though, that the Lord can speak through feelings, people, and situations. I feel peace about going back. I've been told that money isn't working out at Lee, and I've been told that I'll be supported no matter what choice I make. I here the song by Ed Sheeran that says "wait for me to come home" pretty much everyday since I've started considering returning. There was also a night this summer where I was up all night anxious and stressed trying to decide whether or not to return to Lee, and the words "I want you here" came into my head. I didn't know if that was God or me, but I chose to believe it was just me. It's a battle in my head, though, because what if that's all just me wanting to go home? I'm confused because I thought returning to Lee was me and not God, and now I'm wondering if that night God really did say "I want you here" and meant in Ohio. #prayerprobz. I'm looking into Ohio Christian University, and then obviously OSU-N as a backup. I'm really hoping I like Ohio Christian and that the financing part works out because I could still have my dream college experience, potentially meet a good Christian man, my credits appear to be able to transfer beautifully, and I would be in the place I love. I'll keep you posted on my end decision, hopefully before I'm there. For now, prayers for God's guidance, strength, and determination are what I need. Thanks, fam. PEACE ONE LOVE.