How I Am The Worst At College

Shalom mis amigos! This morning I went to River Road Coffeehouse in Newark to spend some time with God. I got a mocha with skim milk. I learned that soy milk truly is far superior to cow milk in pretty much everything. So everyone, remember: spending the extra 50-70 cents on soy milk (or any milk alternative) is worth it in your espresso beverages. Now, you may be asking "why were you at a coffee shop in Newark on a Wednesday when you're supposed to be at school in Tennessee?" Well, funny story about that...I left Lee...again...for the third time. Yes, I officially win the award for being the worst at doing college. But, here's the thing...I just don't care. I came home for Fall break this past weekend. It was so great! I got to go to my favorite restaurants, spend time in Columbus, celebrate my brother's and my best friend's birthdays, go to church, and just be in Ohio. My anxiety was not nearly as bad as it had been in Tennessee. I felt so much peace about being here. My parents and I had been talking about me staying home for about a week, and I couldn't make up my mind about it. I was torn: should I go back and be miserable at Lee, with my only hope being that the semester would soon be over and I could come home? Or should I just withdraw, stay home, not live in fear of having another horrible panic attack, and waste $5,000 dollars on half a semester of school that I won't get credit for my classes? Well, I chose the second option, and here's why... From the first day that I reached Lee's campus, I never felt an inkling of peace about being there. I missed home. I missed the cold, the reply of "I-O" to an "O-H", going to breakfast, going on bagel and Jesus dates with my friends, and just being in the North. At Lee, I was involved in things, but I never felt joy in doing any of them. There was honestly nothing besides my friends that I liked about Lee or the south. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Why in the heck would you go back for a third time if you knew that you didn't like it down there?" Well, at the time, I really thought that my love for my friends outweighed the cost, my own health, and what God really wanted me to do. While my friends are great and I love them with all of my heart, they do not, in fact, outweigh where God is leading me and what He wants me to do. Looking back, I 100% believe that it was my flesh that wanted to return to Lee, and not the Lord. Oopsie. In terms of my career and life, I started second guessing that after I went to the National Eating Disorder Association conference in California a few weeks ago. After hearing what some people struggle with in their eating disorder, and hearing how much school I would have to go through to get to what I wanted to be (a counselor for people with eating disorders), I felt so overwhelmed. I have no motivation to do school and I just want to be done already, so the thought of spending 4-5 more years in school hurt my soul. I also don't think that I could emotionally or mentally handle all that comes with the psychological aspects of counseling people with eating disorders. I still want to help people of that population, but counseling would just be too much for me. With that, I started thinking about alternative careers I could do that would be less school, something I love, and something where I could serve God. I considered flight attending or being a travel agent. Then, I came across a dietetic and nutrition assistant. I've been interested in nutrition for a long time, and I've always thought it would be cool to work in that field, especially with people with eating disorders. I found that one of the community colleges around here offers it as a two year program. I then found a residential facility in Cleveland, Ohio where they were hiring for a dietetic assistant, and the requirements were that degree. I was stoked! Obviously, I wouldn't be applying for that position any time soon, but the fact that it existed got me hyped. The only problem is that I have wasted 3 semesters at school for credits that I won't even need. Honestly, I don't care. You live and you learn. I mean, yes, I've wasted a lot of money and time, but sometimes you've got to go where God leads you, and I believe He led me to Lee every time I went and left, and then went, and left, and went again. The current worry with school is that I probably won't have enough money to pay for it. Since I withdrew early, I will probably owe money because of financial aid stuff, which will drain my bank account. It stinks, but I would still rather be home and have to pay than still be down there. I may have to wait a few years before returning to get my degree, but I'm okay with that because I'm already so done with school. I just want to be done. So, now I'm sitting at home, writing a blog. I started a show on Netflix about the Penatonix. And that's what will be my life for a bit: watching Netflix, spending time with the Lord, working on my cooking skills, maybe reading books, doing work for my family when they need it...just real chill stuff. I applied at River Road because it has been my dream to work there since I was a kid. I decided that I would wait to apply to other places for a bit in case they do call me. If not, then I will search elsewhere for a job (though it will be sad). And then I guess I'll just work full time until I get enough money to pay for school. I'm not sure how you are reading this. I'm sure a lot of it sounds depressing and sad. But please know, that is not the case. I am happy with the decision I've made. It is a little embarrassing for me to have left school three times, but at the same time, I just don't care. I am doing what is best for me, and I'm doing my best to go where God leads me. I don't have a very good record with doing that, but that's part of the process. I'm still learning to discern God's voice from my own. Just yesterday, I felt like God was calling me to eat oatmeal for breakfast instead of going out and buying breakfast, so I begrudgingly made oatmeal, which wasn't bad. I'm trying to find God's voice in my little, every day decisions in order to be able to hear Him when I try and make the big ones. To my friends at Lee: I'm sorry if I didn't say goodbye. I hate saying goodbye, and I am a little embarrassed about leaving. Please know that I love you all, and you have helped make me the person I am today. To my family and friends in Ohio: I'm back and don't have much to do right now, so let's get together! In terms of what you can pray for me for, that I get a job I love, that money works out, and for my overall health. Thank you all for loving, supporting, and praying for me. I will be back to Tennessee to visit, and Ohio is always ready to welcome you!