When we last left off, it was Thanksgiving and I had just started to eat meat again. Since then, things have changed...welcome to life, right?
For starters, I don't know how or why it happened, but the couple weeks leading up to Christmas break (the same time as Thanksgiving) I developed really bad anxiety. I don't know why, but I was super anxious. I was ready to leave Lee and go home for break, and I didn't want to wait. I was so stinking bored ALL of the time and I was just ready to be home, doing things with my friends. I also think that eating meat made me INCREDIBLY anxious because I hadn't done it in so long, and (I know, this sounds really dumb) I just didn't know how to eat meat. I decided when I returned from my friend's house over Thanksgiving that I would return to my pescetarian lifestyle, and only eat meat when I traveled and didn't want to be rude to the host home where I was staying. That would have been all good and well, but the anxiety remained even when I decided to not eat meat again. For some reason that I cannot for the life of me figure out, I decided that I was just going to not eat anything close to what "normal" or "semi-normal" eating is. For example, I would force myself to sleep in so that I didn't have to eat breakfast, and then some days I would go to Zumba because it gave me something to do and prolonged the amount of time that I wouldn't have to eat (but, honestly, I do like Zumba. I'd like to be an instructor when I'm in a better mindset/condition), and then I would eat lunch and dinner (which weren't by any means "adequate"), and then have a snack before I went to bed. Now, for some reason, I never fail to have a bedtime snack; it's comforting to me. As of late, I feel like I binge a lot during that time 1. because i hadn't eaten anything all day 2. because I was trying to make myself fuller so I wouldn't be as hungry in the morning (which doesn't work to well, btw). I also started losing my appetite because I was too anxious to eat, so that helped my little scheme. I began to feel quite depressed because I hated the lifestyle I was living, I hated being at school and bored every waking moment of the day, and I just didn't know what I was doing in my life. Worst of all, my relationship with God was no where near where I wanted it to be (which is my fault). I knew he was there and working in my life, but I couldn't see it or feel it (which sucks and makes having faith a lot harder, but you've gotta do what ya gotta do.)
The week before exams, I started packing my car because I didn't want to wait and I just wanted the time to go to be there. I dyed my hair dark, and I love it (except it has a reddish tint that I'm not crazy about). It's funny because when I have dark hair, I don't look adopted and I look like my family (they all have dark hair). When Exams came around, I only had to take one because I was exempt from my other one (I didn't have a very challenging semester by any means...). I was set to come home on a Tuesday, but since I finished my one exam at 10:45, I decided that I had no inclination to stay longer than I had to. I decided that I would surprise my parents and show up on Monday instead of Tuesday. So, that Monday, I got everything in my car, used as many meals as I could so they didn't go to waste, said my goodbyes, got my coffee, took my exam (which I pretty much buzzed through because I wasn't sure about half of the answers and I wanted to get out), went to Dunkin Donuts to get my mom some donuts and use the remainder of flex that I had, and then I hit the road. I left Cleveland around 10:45ish and got into Newark around 7. Before I came in my house, I called my parents, as I do every night, and talked to them like normal. They were freaking out and giving me instructions on how to drive the following day because the weather was supposed to be bad. I muted my phone, knocked on my door, and my mom answered. She said that she almost didn't let me in because she thought that I was either a stranger or one of my best friend's who lives across the street (so why she wouldn't let her in anyway, I have no idea). When she realized it was me, I was granted entry, and I approached my dad who was screaming into his phone, thinking that he lost the connection with me. As he shouted, "ZOE! ZOE!" I responded, right next to his side, with "WHAT!" He looked up and the only thing that he said was "Oh...hi." Apparently he thought I was one of momma's friends. That night, I got a pizza from my favorite Newark pizzeria (Debra's...#nomnomnom), and my family and I all just sat in my living room watching TV on the new couch they had just bought (it's a nice one, too). I was SO happy to be home. More so, I was super excited because I thought that I would start eating normally again. Yeah...eating disorders don't usually work like that...
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| Me with muh new hairs |
Over break, I started working at the one, the only...Bob Evans. Not just Bob Evans, but THE Bob Evans that my mom has worked at for years. It's almost a family business, I am not even kidding. Believe it or not, after spending years being vehemently anti-Bob's, I actually really like my job! Weirder, I'm not as repulsed by the food that they make... I actually kind of like it...woah. I worked mostly mornings, which gave me the perfect excuse to go continue with my habit of consuming nothing but coffee until later in the day. Basically, my schedule was like this on the days that I worked: Wake up, drink coffee, work until around 2 or 3, eat yogurt, sit around, eat dinner, sit next to the fireplace (SIDE NOTE: THAT IS THE MOST GLORIOUS THING), drink copious amounts of diet soda to suppress my hunger, sit some more and watch TV with my family, eat what I would consider a "binge", go to sleep. On days that I didn't work, I typically forced myself to sleep in so that I didn't have to eat, and then I would try and find something to do with my friends. I made this entire list of things that I wanted to do and people I wanted to see over break, so I was pretty determined to get them done, and I did actually do a great deal of them. I love my friends back at home! They are great and understanding. I feel like I got a lot closer to someone whom I've considered to be a best friend since, like, 8th grade, but we never really hung out or talked that much in high school. We only hung out 4 times tops, and not getting to hang out with her became one of the biggest reasons that I was sad to have to go back to school.
Christmas came and it was not very good, to be quite honest. I really don't like to holidays. Why? Food. I see all of the delicious treats that accompany Christmas, remember enjoying them so much as a child, and then I don't eat them. If I do, then I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and I sometimes eat too much of it, and those are both things I don't want to happen. This year, though, I think that I had a grand total of one large Christmas cookie, and maybe 4 pieces of candy all together. I didn't binge or feel guilt, but I still didn't allow myself to eat as much as I should have. On Christmas day, I was not pleasant at all because I...well, I don't know why exactly; I suppose just the food thing. I was mean to my mom (which I still feel horrible about) and I just sat around all day. A big reason for my unpleasantness was because we had cinnamon rolls for breakfast. "That should make you happy, not unhappy!" Right? But no. I felt obligated to eat them because I asked for them (because we used to eat them every Christmas morning growing up). I had it set in my mind that I was going to eat them for almost two weeks, and I wasn't going to not. I had planned out what I would consume the rest of the day and I wasn't going to stray from that. I ate a cinnamon roll with my family at breakfast, drinking coffee (mocha flavored Kahlua coffee is horrendous, by the way. Like, Dunkin Donuts has better coffee...and that says a lot.), drank two cans of soda at my cousins' house, got stir-fried shrimp and vegetables at the Chinese restaurant that I hate but we go to every year for Christmas, and then had a frozen protein shake or something like that for snackage. And the biggest Christmas miracle? I felt tremendously guilty after! Shocking... The day eventually ended and the next few days were fine. Then came New Years Eve. I decided that I didn't want interaction with humans of any sort, so I stayed at home and sat on the couch with my parents. Dad watched something on TV, mom slept, and I played on my laptop. And you know what? I was perfectly happy with that. We turned on the New Years rockin' eve, or whatever that is, about 2 minutes prior to midnight, watched the ball drop, and then I promptly went to bed. New Years day, believe it or don't was actually really great! I woke up around 8 because I had to work (another reason why I didn't really want to do anything the night before), had my daily "breakfast" of coffee, had a great day at work, and then mom picked me up and brought me home to discuss our plans for the evening. We have a tradition of going to Columbus to see a movie (typically in IMAX) every year on New Year's, so we went to see "The Hobbit." Before that, we went out to dinner. Talk about the dream life: not only did I get to spend my entire New Year's day working at Bob Evans, but I even got to eat there! Actually, I was happy with that because it sounded good, we get an employee discount, and I didn't regret what I ate. We then saw the movie (WHICH WAS AWESOME), went home, and sat together in the living room. I'm really happy because it was a good day with no guilt and little anxiety that I got to share with my family.
Oh, Lee. How you were on my mind over break. I spent my entire break dreading the thought of going back to Lee. It's not that I missed home, it's that Cleveland is the most boring place I have ever endured and I couldn't stand the thought of returning to that level of boredom/inactivity/nothingness. I looked up schools to transfer to, went on two visits to OSU, and filled out different applications for transferring in the 2014 fall semester. I planned on going back to Lee, despite my dread, to give it another try. In all fairness, I think a lot of why I was so bored was because I wasn't as involved as I wanted to be, and I only took 12 credit hours of dull, non-mentally stimulating courses. I give it that. But, I struggled a lot over break as to whether or not to return next semester at all. I figured I could maybe take classes at OSU-Newark (despite my best wishes) this semester and then transfer to main campus next year. I texted my friends back at Lee from time to time when I was really thinking about how much I would hate going back. One of those friends (who also had a hard time deciding whether or not to stay at Lee her first semester) decided that she wasn't going to back next semester. I was so jealous of the fact that I had to go back and she didn't. I texted her about it, and she really helped me get a better mind set about making my decision because I really was struggling with it.
The day after I texted my friend, the "polar vortex" hit. Funny story: our furnace began acting up and our power was going in and out on the coldest night of the millennium...lawlz. Anyway, my mom took that Monday off because of the bad weather conditions. For Christmas, I had given her a coupon that enabled her to have me eat anything that she wanted me to. She's always telling me about how she wished that I would eat certain things, so I figured I could give her one day to fulfill those wishes and one day without me being in control. For lunch, we went to the Village Coffee House in Granville, and shared a plain bagel (like, plain? Really mom?) with cream cheese, a veggie wrap, harvest grain and mushroom soup, and a buckeye latte and white chocolate mocha. I ate/drank this stuff because it was part of the deal, but I felt guilty 1. because I felt that it was a ton of food 2. it wasn't what I would consider a "balanced" meal 3. I didn't enjoy the taste of anything besides the soup too much 4. she didn't know that when I said I would eat anything she wanted me to, I literally meant ANYTHING (meat included). So she kind of wished that we had done something different, but we ended up talking to the employees and having a good time. For dinner, we went to Hot Head burritos, and she had my dad make mine for me: a full size burrito with brown rice, black beans, cheese, lettuce, corn, pico de gallo, and guacamole. It was okay, but it wasn't something I'd get again. Mom had me try her's too, which had pork, rice, cheese, lettuce, and sour cream; I liked hers way more than mine, but I also used to enjoy getting a burrito with rice, cheese and sour cream when I went to Chipotle back in the day (I got that order for $1.60 once, thank you very much). Later that night, we both had the new "Ron Burgundy/Anchorman" inspired Ben&Jerry's ice cream (butterscotch on butterscotch...mmm) and a piece of chocolate bread from Bob Evans (I don't know why they call their breads "bread." They are all cake, if we're being honest with ourselves). I sat next to the fire as a I enjoyed my ice cream and "bread" and it was a good. As I laid in bed later, the eating disorder part of me felt guilty, but the me part of me was satisfied, enjoyed my day, and was happy that I wasn't in control and could just let myself eat with no reservations.
So here we are, 4 days later, and quite a bit has happened. On Tuesday, I picked my dad up from work. As we drove, I talked to him about how I felt guilty about the previous day, how I didn't know what to do with my life, how I didn't want to go back to school, and just venting my feelings of depression and distress. Later that night, we were watching "Sherlock", but I was thinking too much to really engage in the show. I thought. I thought for a good while; I then made a decision. I can't do this on my own. I can't. My eating disorder has hit me, and it's hit me hard. I know that if I keep up with the way things are, I'm going to die. I know that if I go back to Lee, I'm going to continue with the way things are now and I wouldn't be able to get the help that I need, and I'm going to die. The day prior, I gave up control. When I'm in control, I'M not in control, but my eating disorder is. I can't do it anymore; I don't want to do it anymore. Because I never eat and fuel myself, I never have energy and I've become incredibly bitter, selfish, and moody; I hate it. I want to live my life serving God and I want to help people. I hate that I'm always so wrapped up in myself because I'm too tired or focused on food to care about others or my relationship with God. Throughout this break, I've prayed (not often, I'd like to add) that God would show his will for me and my life, especially regarding college. As I sat in my family room on Tuesday night thinking, I made a decision and I believe that God revealed it to me.
What is this big God-revealed decision, you ask?
I have decided that I will not be returning to Lee University in Cleveland, Tennessee for the Spring 2014 semester. I have decided to enroll in classes at the Ohio State University-Newark campus, while staying at home with my family so that they can take care of me. I'm going to start going to outpatient treatment like I used to go to at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus. And you know what? I am so excited and couldn't be happier with the decision that I've made. My parents will be in control of my food (making my meals, choosing what I'll eat when we go out, helping me make decisions about food when I have to, etc.), so that I can be in control in things that are actually important in my life like my school work, my friendships, helping others in anyway that I can, and building up my relationship with God. When I made my decision on Tuesday night, I prayed that if my decision was God's will then to let doors be open so that it would be done, and they were. On Wednesday, I was scheduled to work at Bob Evans, but mom called OSU-N (who's first day of classes were that same day because the "polar vortex" caused them to cancel the two days prior), talked to a lady who said it would be impossible for me to enroll, was transferred to someone else who said that he could do it, and then she called to tell me that I needed to go to the campus down the street to enroll. I called off of work, met with the man (who is an absolute angel) that mom spoke with, signed some papers, took a math placement test, and scheduled my classes for the semester. Thus, I became a buckeye and I had my first day of classes yesterday. Oh yeah...doors swung.
Now, I'm going to go to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, work on other days, go to treatment, and just start to live. I'm sure it will be hard, but I know that this is best for me. I have the support and help of my family, my friends, and God. I'm so excited to start eating and getting healthy again, getting back on my feet. It's amazing how one's ideals change over time: I've always looked at people who went to OSU-Newark as failures, drop-outs, or people without high ambition or goals in life. Now, I realize that it is just as good of a school as any of them out there, and is really smart in regards to finances. By no means do I want to stay in Newark the rest of my life, but for now I'm content. I want to transfer to OSU-Main Campus in Columbus, but for now, I want to really focus on getting better. Lee is a great school, and I'm happy for people who can find happiness there; I could not. I'll miss the showers, the coffee at Einstein Brothers, and the friends that I made and love. However, I believe that God is calling me to something else, and I'm going to try and follow that call as best as I can. I don't know why I was brought to Lee, just to be hospitalized in September, just to go back to Tennessee and go to treatment, just to hating my life down there, just to coming home...I can't figure it out, and that's okay. I'm putting my trust in God and believing that this is all happening for a reason.
