How I Am The Worst At College

Shalom mis amigos! This morning I went to River Road Coffeehouse in Newark to spend some time with God. I got a mocha with skim milk. I learned that soy milk truly is far superior to cow milk in pretty much everything. So everyone, remember: spending the extra 50-70 cents on soy milk (or any milk alternative) is worth it in your espresso beverages. Now, you may be asking "why were you at a coffee shop in Newark on a Wednesday when you're supposed to be at school in Tennessee?" Well, funny story about that...I left Lee...again...for the third time. Yes, I officially win the award for being the worst at doing college. But, here's the thing...I just don't care. I came home for Fall break this past weekend. It was so great! I got to go to my favorite restaurants, spend time in Columbus, celebrate my brother's and my best friend's birthdays, go to church, and just be in Ohio. My anxiety was not nearly as bad as it had been in Tennessee. I felt so much peace about being here. My parents and I had been talking about me staying home for about a week, and I couldn't make up my mind about it. I was torn: should I go back and be miserable at Lee, with my only hope being that the semester would soon be over and I could come home? Or should I just withdraw, stay home, not live in fear of having another horrible panic attack, and waste $5,000 dollars on half a semester of school that I won't get credit for my classes? Well, I chose the second option, and here's why... From the first day that I reached Lee's campus, I never felt an inkling of peace about being there. I missed home. I missed the cold, the reply of "I-O" to an "O-H", going to breakfast, going on bagel and Jesus dates with my friends, and just being in the North. At Lee, I was involved in things, but I never felt joy in doing any of them. There was honestly nothing besides my friends that I liked about Lee or the south. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Why in the heck would you go back for a third time if you knew that you didn't like it down there?" Well, at the time, I really thought that my love for my friends outweighed the cost, my own health, and what God really wanted me to do. While my friends are great and I love them with all of my heart, they do not, in fact, outweigh where God is leading me and what He wants me to do. Looking back, I 100% believe that it was my flesh that wanted to return to Lee, and not the Lord. Oopsie. In terms of my career and life, I started second guessing that after I went to the National Eating Disorder Association conference in California a few weeks ago. After hearing what some people struggle with in their eating disorder, and hearing how much school I would have to go through to get to what I wanted to be (a counselor for people with eating disorders), I felt so overwhelmed. I have no motivation to do school and I just want to be done already, so the thought of spending 4-5 more years in school hurt my soul. I also don't think that I could emotionally or mentally handle all that comes with the psychological aspects of counseling people with eating disorders. I still want to help people of that population, but counseling would just be too much for me. With that, I started thinking about alternative careers I could do that would be less school, something I love, and something where I could serve God. I considered flight attending or being a travel agent. Then, I came across a dietetic and nutrition assistant. I've been interested in nutrition for a long time, and I've always thought it would be cool to work in that field, especially with people with eating disorders. I found that one of the community colleges around here offers it as a two year program. I then found a residential facility in Cleveland, Ohio where they were hiring for a dietetic assistant, and the requirements were that degree. I was stoked! Obviously, I wouldn't be applying for that position any time soon, but the fact that it existed got me hyped. The only problem is that I have wasted 3 semesters at school for credits that I won't even need. Honestly, I don't care. You live and you learn. I mean, yes, I've wasted a lot of money and time, but sometimes you've got to go where God leads you, and I believe He led me to Lee every time I went and left, and then went, and left, and went again. The current worry with school is that I probably won't have enough money to pay for it. Since I withdrew early, I will probably owe money because of financial aid stuff, which will drain my bank account. It stinks, but I would still rather be home and have to pay than still be down there. I may have to wait a few years before returning to get my degree, but I'm okay with that because I'm already so done with school. I just want to be done. So, now I'm sitting at home, writing a blog. I started a show on Netflix about the Penatonix. And that's what will be my life for a bit: watching Netflix, spending time with the Lord, working on my cooking skills, maybe reading books, doing work for my family when they need it...just real chill stuff. I applied at River Road because it has been my dream to work there since I was a kid. I decided that I would wait to apply to other places for a bit in case they do call me. If not, then I will search elsewhere for a job (though it will be sad). And then I guess I'll just work full time until I get enough money to pay for school. I'm not sure how you are reading this. I'm sure a lot of it sounds depressing and sad. But please know, that is not the case. I am happy with the decision I've made. It is a little embarrassing for me to have left school three times, but at the same time, I just don't care. I am doing what is best for me, and I'm doing my best to go where God leads me. I don't have a very good record with doing that, but that's part of the process. I'm still learning to discern God's voice from my own. Just yesterday, I felt like God was calling me to eat oatmeal for breakfast instead of going out and buying breakfast, so I begrudgingly made oatmeal, which wasn't bad. I'm trying to find God's voice in my little, every day decisions in order to be able to hear Him when I try and make the big ones. To my friends at Lee: I'm sorry if I didn't say goodbye. I hate saying goodbye, and I am a little embarrassed about leaving. Please know that I love you all, and you have helped make me the person I am today. To my family and friends in Ohio: I'm back and don't have much to do right now, so let's get together! In terms of what you can pray for me for, that I get a job I love, that money works out, and for my overall health. Thank you all for loving, supporting, and praying for me. I will be back to Tennessee to visit, and Ohio is always ready to welcome you!

The Panic Switch (which was supposed to be posted a week ago)

I'm sitting in my room waiting for my hair to dry. I figured I'd write a blog post because why not? So I got back from California last Saturday. Actually, I flew home on Saturday night with my mom and stayed at home. Let's start out with the flight... The flight back home was AWFUL. I had the worst travel/flying anxiety that I have ever had in my life. I was 100% terrified that the plane was going to rip apart in the air, or burst into flames (like what happened on one episode of "The Twilight Zone." I didn't, however, fear that there was a creature on the wing of the plane.). The days leading up to the flight, I had a really bad feeling about flying and I was very paranoid about it. When we were still in Cali, my best friend texted me and told me that she had a horrible nightmare about me where I died. Needless to say, this did nothing to help my paranoia. I thought "what if this dream is a sign?" I also told my mom about it, which I really shouldn't have done because then she worried (it's what she does). While flying, we went through horrible turbulence. I gripped my mom's arm for dear life, convinced that we were going down. The entire time I begged God not to take me, and if He did, to take me before the plane actually exploded or something so I wouldn't feel pain. We successfully made it into Cleveland, Ohio, not dead, being greeted by my dad. I felt safe as soon as we touched ground and began our 3 hour road trip back to Newark. The next day we went out to breakfast at Early Birds (a fantastic little breakfast place in Newark), and then later we went to the coffee shop that I've always dreamed of working at and my other best friend just so happens to work at. It was so good to be home, but unfortunately, it had to end, and I had to return to Tennessee. My dad took me to the airport and we were running late. The baggage check man said my bag might not make it to Nashville, which sent me into panic. Then I rushed to security to find an enormous line, which increased my panic as my flight had already started boarding. I called my parents on the verge of tears when I looked up and realized I was at the wrong gate. I rushed over to the right one, found no wait for security, breezed through, and got on my flight with ease. That was God. This flight wasn't as bad as the other one, but I was still scared. I had a stress ball in place of my mom's arm and it wasn't the same. I made it to Nashville safely and alive. I got my car, drove back to Lee, and I felt safe...for the time being. Two days later, I talked to my mom on the phone after she had woken up early worrying about me. The dream my friend had was the cause of this worry. On top of that dream, we met a woman in California who's daughter died of Bulimia. That made my mom extra super worried, and honestly, it did me too. I always hear about how eating disorders are the number one cause of death in mental illness, but I had never actually heard of a real person dying. I got scared that after all that I've put my body through in the years of the eating disorder, I was going to die too. I made the adult-ish decision to stop being vegan in order to ease my mother's worry (because of course that worried her), and I just feel like it's what God wants me to do right now. I still dream of being vegan, but we will save that for a later time. That night, I made the worst decision of my life to watch the Lifetime movie (so you know it's quality), "Starving in Suburbia." It's about a girl who develops an eating disorder after discovering the Pro-Ana websites. Now, this movie was pretty far-fetched and unrealistic to me. Maybe it was just because my experience wasn't like what they portrayed. But it also brought me back to a time when I was deep in my eating disorder, and all that I wanted was to lose weight, nothing else mattered. In the end, you find out her brother had an eating disorder and he died. Great. That's two people I've heard of or seen die of an eating disorder in one week. That movie left me feeling very afraid and my anxiety continued to increase. I say "continued" because my anxiety from the plane ride never really went away. Before I left for California, my acid reflux had been acting up, and when I returned, it came on full force. I began being short of breath, my heart beat was off, and I just felt weird. A girl that was in my hall freshman year came up to me out of the blue and told me she had been dreaming about me. "What? Why? What happened?" She couldn't remember, but it increased my paranoia. Why were all of these people dreaming about me? Am I dying and God is sending signs? It freaked me out. The next few days were hellacious. I went to bed every night on the verge of tears, begging God not to take me. I don't want to die, especially not like that: not by my heart giving out in the middle of the night in Tennessee away from half of the people I love. My symptoms had me living in constant terror, and I believed I was just a breath away from my last. Friday night came and I was sitting in the dorm lounge, watching TV and talking to my mom on the phone. I couldn't tell my mom what had been going on with me because I didn't want her to worry anymore than she already does. Plus, I was starting to feel better. However, after hanging up, I felt one sharp pain run through my chest and I thought "it's happening. I need to go to the hospital now." I got my shoes on, and went to the hospital in my pajamas and a sweatshirt from high school, all by myself. When I arrived, they did an EKG. I took it that nothing was wrong because I sat there from 10:30 -2:30 before getting in a room. I sat there, by myself, feeling so afraid and alone. I could have texted one of my friends to come, and they would have been there in a heart beat, but I didn't want to bother them. I was afraid and alone because I wasn't anywhere close to home. When I finally got into a room, they hooked me up to a heart monitor, and the readings on it were fine. A nurse practitioner came in a bit later, told me my EKG was fine, and I was good to go. It felt so amazing to hear that I wasn't dying. I was up until 4:17 a.m., and I even tweeted about it. It was such a great feeling. The next day was Saturday, and I woke up and headed over to Panera to do my weekly coffee and homework morning. On the way there, I got pulled over because I made an illegal turn that I didn't know of. He gave me a warning (that was God), and then I had a fantastic latte. I headed back to school, and we had a girls day with a club I'm involved in at Lee, where we painted pumpkins, ate candy, drank apple cider, and watched "The Cheetah Girls." It was such a fun day that was much needed after my horrible week. That night as I was getting ready to go to bed, I checked my phone to see a message from my best friend (who is basically a brother to me), who I hadn't talked to in months. He was asking me how I was doing. "Oh no," I thought. "Is God telling him to text me because I'm going to die and he needs to get his last words in?" I panicked. We ended up talking on the phone, and it was so good to hear from him. But I still went to bed that night begging God not to take me. Sunday night, I watched "The Walking Dead" and began to panic because I had the worst heart burn I've ever had. I later deciphered that was caused by the fake Italian sausage I had eaten for dinner (curse you meat alternatives). Monday came around, and I went to class. I then skipped my next class and slept. I slept for two hours, and when I tried to get up, it was physically difficult for me to get up. I would sit up, and then lay back down. I couldn't help it. I eventually got up, felt nauseous, but had lunch then went to class. Later I felt okay. I thought it was just my body coming down from all of the stress and anxiety I had been under. On Tuesday, I woke up and was feeling pretty good. I went about my day and nothing really felt wrong or weird. And then I made the genius decision to go to get an iced coffee. Now, I hadn't been drinking caffeine in the midst of this week, and you're technically not supposed to drink caffeine if you have anxiety. My body had a TERRIBLE reaction. I felt dizzy, short of breath, and I thought I was going to die (again). I sat in the lounge of my dorm for about 5 hours with one of my best friends (who doesn't even live on campus, I might add), and she just consoled me and listened to me talk and kept my mind busy. She even drove me to Speedway to get a free sub that I had a coupon for. Later, two of my best friends came and prayed and talked with me. I started crying (which I hate doing) and told them that I didn't think I could stay at school the rest of the semester if this was what it would be like. I ended up spending the night at their house off campus because I was too afraid to be alone in case something would happen to me. The next day, I woke up and went to class and things were starting to feel normal. And here we are now, getting ready to go on Fall break. I'm going home which is much needed. I miss home a lot. This week has been the scariest week of my life. I've only had one real anxiety attack (besides the one I faked my sophomore year of high school to get out of a golf tournament) and it wasn't as scary as this one. I've been trying to rely on God and keep the verse that says "do not be anxious about anything" in mind, but when you feel like there is a very real threat, that's hard to do.

Home Is Wherever My Heart Is

"Did she go to Lee?" "Did she stay home?" "Why hasn't she updated this in months?" Fear not! All of your biggest life questions will be answered! And I apologize that I suck at keeping this blog updated.... woops. When we last left, I was contemplating whether or not I would return to Lee. Well, a decision was made...I DID return to Lee. I spent a few nights tossing and turning because I was so stressed out and anxious about making a decision of whether or not to come back. I missed my friends, I missed the campus, I missed being a normal college kid. On the other hand, I was doing really well in my recovery at home, I had a good job, I had made new friends that I'm really quite fond of, and it would be cheaper for me to go to Ohio State. The way that I saw it was like my head was in Ohio but my heart was in Tennessee. So, I listened to my heart and decided to come back to Lee. Before returning, though, there was summer. To be honest, it was the best summer that I've had in about 7 or 8 years. I wasn't afraid of food, spending money, or living. I made really beautiful friendships where we could have intimate Jesus talks and go on adventures. I went to Panera to spend time with Jesus a lot. I just spent time with Jesus more than I ever had before. I went to the gym and got ripped. I ate bagels almost daily and did so without being afraid of their effect on my body. It was just great all around. However, I missed the people I consider my best friends at Lee, and that is what ultimately made up my mind about whether or not to return. So I got back in August, and my family brought me down. I was so looking forward to it because it was like a little vacation for us, and it was just so great to be around my family. And then they left, and my heart was sad. How could that be? I was in the place my heart was most happy...or so I thought. The first couple of days back were extremely stressful. I haven't been in school since last December, so getting back into a routine of classes was a bit overwhelming. My student loans and financial aid didn't work out like they used to and that caused a whole mess of stress. I picked up the routine of going to bed around 10 at the latest over the summer, and all of my friends at Lee stay up to the wee hours of dawn...I can't. I love my friends, but I feel like I never see them. I sleep a lot now because I honestly don't have anything better to do. I really just don't care about studying or doing the whole school thing. And then one weekend I realized it...I'm depressed. It's a weird feeling of depression, though, one I've never experienced before. I feel very optimistic and positive like I usually am, but I feel physically depressed. The only time I get excited is when I think about going home for fall or winter break. I miss the north. I miss the cold. I miss Ohio....I NEVER dreamed I would say any of those things, but here we are. I realized that I really don't like Lee. Like, the only reason I'm there is for my friends, which I've admitted before. I feel disconnected from God when I'm there (which I don't understand), and the vibes are all off there. I haven't felt any sense of peace since the moment our tires hit Tennessee soil. Another big stressor the first few days back were with...you guessed it...food. Who would've thought? I was so stressed out my eating got kind of bad. Not as bad as in the past, but definitely no Bueno. I realized that I was seriously limiting myself on what I was eating, so I made a choice that has helped TREMENDOUSLY...I FINALLY went vegan! Now, I know, "how does going vegan help you NOT limit?" Well, I realized that I was restricting vital nutrients (i.e. carbs) because I figured I didn't need them because I still consumed dairy products. This doesn't make any sense nutritionally, but it's the way my mind works. So, I ate all of my non-vegan food (I didn't want to waste it), and took the plunge. So far it has been AWESOME! I'm eating foods I actually love freely, and I've discovered some new tasty vegan treats (hello soy latte from Starbucks). Since I haven't felt peace or happiness about being at Lee, I made a decision I'm 99.9% sure on: I'll be returning home to Ohio next semester. I feel so much peace and excitement over this decision. Sure, I'm a little embarrassed that this will be my third time leaving Lee, but this time it's on MY terms and NOT my illness'. I really just don't care if people think anything about it. My family and friends are supportive, and that's what matters. The big thing now is to earnestly seek the Lord's will for this. It's hard to remember, but it's a big decision I need to be in prayer about (and I admit, I haven't been as much as I should). I do believe, though, that the Lord can speak through feelings, people, and situations. I feel peace about going back. I've been told that money isn't working out at Lee, and I've been told that I'll be supported no matter what choice I make. I here the song by Ed Sheeran that says "wait for me to come home" pretty much everyday since I've started considering returning. There was also a night this summer where I was up all night anxious and stressed trying to decide whether or not to return to Lee, and the words "I want you here" came into my head. I didn't know if that was God or me, but I chose to believe it was just me. It's a battle in my head, though, because what if that's all just me wanting to go home? I'm confused because I thought returning to Lee was me and not God, and now I'm wondering if that night God really did say "I want you here" and meant in Ohio. #prayerprobz. I'm looking into Ohio Christian University, and then obviously OSU-N as a backup. I'm really hoping I like Ohio Christian and that the financing part works out because I could still have my dream college experience, potentially meet a good Christian man, my credits appear to be able to transfer beautifully, and I would be in the place I love. I'll keep you posted on my end decision, hopefully before I'm there. For now, prayers for God's guidance, strength, and determination are what I need. Thanks, fam. PEACE ONE LOVE.

When The Enemy Attacks

So, I have a confession to make: I'd rather be thin than follow my dreams. I know what you're probably thinking: "that goes against everything you stand for!" "Aren't you supposed to be past that?" Well, both of those are true. But that's where I'm at right now. Let me explain... A couple of weeks ago, I started feeling self-conscious. I texted my prayer arsenal, and literally a couple of hours later, I felt confident and good again. The power of prayer does work people! A couple of days later, I finally made a decision about school (which had been stressing me out for months), and I felt peace about it. The next day, I had a doctor's appointment where I felt scolded and I got very down about it. I even cried, and I am not a crier. This was the first attack that the enemy pressed on me. The moment I feel peace, he hit me right where it hurt: my appearance, my weight, and my pride. Again, I texted my prayer friends, and low and behold, I felt better a while later. A week or so passes and I have to go to my doctor again. This time, I met with my dietician and my therapist. I've been following my meal plan like I'm supposed to, except I haven't been drinking a supplement that is on it. Here is why: I'm in the weight range that my doctors said was appropriate for me, I'm in that weight range without drinking the supplement, the supplement was put in place when I wasn't gaining the weight needed to be in my range, and I just don't see the point of doing it if I'm maintaining a healthy weight. My dietician told me at this appointment that I needed to follow my meal plan 100% (including the supplement) for a couple of weeks to see what happens with my weight, and she wants to see me weekly (we were doing once every 3 weeks). So that appointment left me scared and confused. I'm scared that I'm going to gain unnecessary weight, and confused about why they're making me gain unnecessary weight. Next, I met with my therapist and we talked about how I felt about what had just happened. We talked about how I hated myself at this time last year for my weight, why I would be sad if I gained weight, and just all the feels. We also discussed how I have 2 medical complications due to my eating disorder history and how those things COULD BE attributed to my weight and possibly how I'm not where I need to be with my weight. The thing is, these medical complications take time to heal and I don't think my weight is going to change that right away. So, I left my appointments balling my eyes out and begging God to not make me fat. It's been 4 days since those appointments, and I sit here crippled with fear. Fear that I'm going to gain weight, that my clothes aren't going to fit, fear of the sizes I may have to be, and more so, fear that I would rather stay thin than be healthy. Actually, I'm really not that afraid of that (which kind of scares me...does that make sense?). Right now, I'd rather give up my dreams than get bigger. If someone told me that, I would feel so sad for them and beg them not to think that way, yet here I am feeling as such. I've texted my prayer pals and I believe they are praying for me, but I still feel so afraid. Mostly, I'm afraid that God is going to make me fat to show me that appearance or weight doesn't matter and I need to rely on Him (which I understand now). Ultimately, I want His will to be done, but I hope with all of my might that doesn't mean I have to give up the weight I'm at right now where I feel confident and happy. Too much to ask? Probably. Jesus did say that we must deny ourselves and pick up our crosses daily, but I never thought it would be this hard. It's almost funny how the day I started to feel peace about one thing stressing me out, the enemy has been attacking me in my most vulnerable area. I just have to keep praying, hoping, and doing what I know is right. I know God has the power to save and bring me through this time of tribulation; I just hope He does it quickly because the fear and stress is overwhelming.

My "Ideal" Person

The other night as I laid in bed talking to God, I was telling him about what my "ideal" person would be like. The type of person I want to be. I want to have really long hair, I want to be a serious cyclist, I want to be vegan, I want my relationship with God to be better, I want to be social and out with my friends all of the time, I wouldn't be socially anxious, I want a boyfriend, I want to be able to eat whatever I want, and a couple of other things that I forget. These things are "enhancements" to myself. I don't want to change who I am, I just want things to make myself a better me (at least what I think would make me a better me). I feel like a lot yet nothing has happened since I wrote last. I started working at Dairy Isle again, and it's not necessarily my favorite thing. It's a very high school job: the type of job I had in high school and it was good then, but I've grown a lot since then and want different things, and that makes going to work tedious and boring. Don't get me wrong! I am very grateful for my job, but it's just getting old. As far as my new job goes, I love it! I always thought I'd love working in a coffee shop and I was right. The only thing I don't like about it is the amount of cleaning that you have to do when you close; I'd rather be interacting with people and making drinks...but that's okay! The good thing about all of that cleaning is that it gives me time to think, and I've had a lot of thinking to do lately. A couple of weeks ago, I went down to Lee to visit my friends. It had only been 2 weeks since two of my best friends had visited me for my birthday, and I missed them so much. I requested the weekend off and there I went. It was so much fun! I got to see all of my friends, I had breakfast at Einstein's like old times with my friends, and I just felt back at home. A bunch of people, people I wouldn't expect, kept coming up to me asking, "when are you coming back?" I would respond like a deer in headlights and say, "uhh...I don't know." Can you guess where this is going? Before I went down to Lee, I was perfectly content with staying at home and going to OSU-N. After I left Lee, I realized how much I missed it: my friends, the professors, student life, life on campus, my friends, SWAT, he campus, my friends...everything. I felt as though God kept whispering "Lee" to me. I've thought about it non-stop since I left. Is Lee where God wants me? I don't know. I know that I ultimately want God's will to be done and whatever He has planned for me to come to fruition, I just don't know where that will be. I've talked to two of my best friends about the dilemma I'm facing; they both told me (basically) that God may not have one set place for you, but you can serve Him wherever you are. While that wasn't the answer I was looking for and I got no further in my decision, it did give me hope that I am fulfilling God's will even now, living in Ohio writing this blog post. I have about 4 months to decide whether or not I want to go back, and I really need to take full advantage of that time to pray and think about it. I've talked about it with my parents. It obviously wouldn't be their first choice, but as long as I am taking care of myself and am in a good place, they would be okay with it. I'm worried too. I mean, I don't want to go back for a third try and end up relapsing and dropping out AGAIN. So, I made a list of red flags of me relapsing that I gave to my parents, and if I do begin to relapse prior to returning, they can't let me go back. I even made a list of measures they are to take if I do relapse, including getting medical custody of me, taking away my phone and car, not letting me drink coffee, making me eat meat, not letting me hang out with my brother...basically things that will scare me into not relapsing. You might be asking yourself "why would you do all of that? Wouldn't it be easier just not to go back?" Well, yes, it would be easier. Way easier. But life isn't necessarily meant to be easier. In my life, I want to be a servant of Christ, and He straight up told us that's not going to be easy. We have to step out on a limb and do things outside of our comfort zone if we want to be a real follower. So while I don't know exactly if God wants me at Lee or not, I have to be willing to go where He leads me and take on the challenges that accompany whichever decision I make. Like I said, I have about 4 months to decide, so pray that I really use that time to make a good decision...even though I've pretty much already decided in my heart. Right now, I'm sitting in a Panera in Columbus waiting to go to a doctor's appointment. I had one before this, and we discussed this "ideal" person I want to be. There are a couple of steps I can already take to get to this ideal: I can cycle for 20 minutes 3 days a week, be social, eat more vegan food (which really isn't that difficult for me considering 95% of my diet is vegan), and keep working on my relationship with God. Actually, I'm pretty pleased with the way my life is going, and the way my relationship with God is. I wish I would pray more, read my Bible more, or just spend more time with Him, but all-in-all, I'm satisfied. I've grown so much since I started this blog. I've learned to trust God far more than I ever have. I've learned to accept myself and my body for the way that God has made it; there are certain things that I could change if I could (like my stomach, thighs, and the fact that I am not in shape AT ALL), but I still accept those parts of me and am content with them. I've learned to be content with where He has me in life, and I'm more willing to go where He leads me versus going where I want. I've learned to clothe myself with the armor of God, in terms of views of the world and their outlook on things that bother me. For example, I get real peeved at society's view of fitness an nutrition. Like, the work out all day, eat clean, and say that you're happy restricting yourself of food you actually like, or depriving yourself of quality time with friends and family to spend it at the gym...yeah, right, keep telling yourself that. I've also learned to shield myself of the nasty comparisons I make with people, and the people who make me jealous (the skinny, fit, beautiful, popular, Victoria's Secret angel type). They still come up, but they don't take a hold in my life. How do I do this, you might ask? That's a great question, and I ask myself the same thing. The only thing I can attribute it to is by the grace of God and the persistence He has allowed me to have. I'd say you just have to put in the effort and believe that God has something better in store for you...hold on to hope. Also, ridding yourself of the things of the world that you know bother you. That's my advice. I think a big question that people struggle with is whether or not you are fulfilling God's will for your life. Like my friends said, you can fulfill his will no matter where you are or what you're doing. I've asked myself this question numerous times since I developed a relationship with Christ. I believe that I have (had?) the eating disorder in order to help others and bring glory to God. I had never seen this in practice, though, until the other day. A girl who is a few years younger than I am and went to a different school than I did told me that she had struggled with an eating disorder around the time when I had first gone to the hospital as a high school junior. She said that I was he greatest inspiration because I fought the disease and I got better. She didn't know the slips I'd had since then, but she used me as her own inspiration to get better herself, and she has gotten better. There are no words to describe how fantastic this made me feel. More than that, it made me feel confident and assured of God using me and working in me. What I want you to take away from this whole post is that while we as human beings are flawed and we mess up, God still uses us. He doesn't have a set place or one set purpose for us, but He calls us to serve Him wherever we are doing whatever. To the glory of God, the only thing that I'm currently "struggling" with is my decision of where to go to school. I know that in the end, though, whichever choice I make will be the right one because God is with me and He has something planned for either route I choose.

Me as an Elderly Citizen

I've transformed into an elderly person. I go to bed no later than 10:30 every night, I enjoy crocheting in my free time, I don't go out when the sun goes down, and my favorite thing to do is wake up early and sit around and drink coffee. Currently I'm sitting at Panera being "one of those people" who sit around coffee shops and write on a laptop so everyone can see them working on something. That's not why I'm here, though. Like I said, I've become elderly and like to sit around and drink coffee. I used to hate Panera, but last July I got a reward that got me a free cup of coffee every day of the month, so I utilized it very well and adapted to love Panera. The employees may have ended up knowing me as "that" girl who they could guess my order (a cup of coffee that I didn't have to pay for and nothing else) before I was at the register. I only got a cup of coffee today, but at least I paid for it, right? I really love writing this blog, but I'm really bad at keeping up with it; my apologies. Quite a bit has happened in the past couple of weeks since my last post, so I'll catch you up to speed. First, I'm no longer in Denver. I was discharged after being there for 35 days. I enjoyed my time there. I made really good friends and did the recovery thing. It was a good experience, but also very strange because I didn't struggle. There was that one weekend with the picture of myself that I wrote about in the post prior to this, but that was seriously it, and that wasn't even that bad. I got much better at being able to sit with and tolerate my emotions. I enjoyed the therapy there, as I felt I had more revelations regarding the utility and potential causes of my eating disorder, and I liked the methods of therapy they used. I don't really have much to say about my time there because honestly, not a whole lot happened. From day one I was my normal happy and positive self. I'm 99.9% sure that I just needed a nutritional kick in the butt to snap me out of my funk. I've known what to do in terms of my eating disorder for 3 years, but I was so malnourished that I wasn't cognitively functioning well enough to do what I needed to. Once the food went in, real me came out. It's pretty great. I flew into Cleveland, Ohio and my mom, brother, and aunt picked me up. The next day, I began my step down treatment in Columbus at a place called the Center for Balanced Living. I began their PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program), which is what I did last year where I went to treatment all day and went home (or the Ronald McDonald House in my case) at night. This program was different, though, in that I went for only 6 hours a day 5 days a week, and I lived at home the entire time. This is probably the best program I've ever been in. They tell me where I'm at with weight in terms of BMI and actual goals I'm trying to achieve with weight, unlike any other treatment I've ever been in where they tell you nothing. Now, I know that in the end, weight is just a number and it shouldn't matter...but to me, it does. Never before have I been excited about weight, but this time I am. Mind you, I'd rather not have to gain weight, but the weight I'm trying to achieve I am completely fine with. Currently, I feel confident and beautiful the way that I am, and the way that my body is. I've never really felt confident, so this is kind of fun. The average length of stay in PHP at the Center is 2-4 weeks, sometimes longer. I was there for 2 weeks because I did so well, and then I stepped down to a program that they call MAPP. Now, I go 4 days a week for 3 hours, and then see a therapist for 1 hour a week. Believe it or not, I have the same therapist that I had last year at Children's. Soon I'll drop down to 3 days a week for 3 hours and 1 hour a week with my therapist. I'm hoping that will happen after this week. Just like in Denver, I haven't really struggled with anything. I think the biggest thing so far is that I had some anxiety one morning when I went out to get something at the store and my dad made a couple of other stops, pushing my breakfast back, but that wasn't a big deal. For the past 2 1/2 months, my plan was to find a job, work 40-45 hours a week, and do school online. I was all set to start school at Ohio Christian University online to get a degree in business. My aspiration or my future career at the time was to open a coffee shop like Starbucks, travel to third world countries, source coffee beans there and make it a mission field for Jesus, and then travel back to the states and sell the coffee in my store and tell the peoples' stories. Then, I had a major breakthrough: what if I've had this eating disorder for a purpose for my career? I've always believed that God was using this disorder for a greater good, and that He had a greater purpose for it, but what if He wanted to make it my life? I think that the world of eating disorders is something I always knew I was supposed to do as I have an enormous heart for body image and people of the eating disorder population, and people have told me countless times that that's what I should be doing. I think I've just been running from it because I wanted to be done with the eating disorder in a way that seemed like it never happened. Well, God is a bro and has our best in mind. He made it clear to me that the coffee shop isn't what He has in store for me. Instead, I think He is calling me to be a therapist for people with eating disorders. My plan now is to be a therapist in a residential treatment center, and I want to have a Christian/scriptural emphasis. In my 6 years of dealing with this disorder, I've only encountered one therapist with any sort of faith backing, so I see a major need for it in the world. So, I changed my major to psychology. I think the same night I realized that I wanted to change my career, I also decided to change my goals for school. I love going to school and being a student, and if I went online, I would miss the personal interactions and relationships. So, I decided that I would cancel my enrollment at Ohio Christian University (and I felt terrible about that because the girl that was helping me get in was so sweet. I was terrified to check my email the days following my telling her I had a change of plans because of what I thought she would say. She was really nice though!), and instead re-admit into the Ohio State University in Newark either this summer or fall. I haven't decided if I want to move to main campus or not eventually because Newark is so much cheaper and I can get my entire degree there. Columbus is my favorite place in the whole world, though. We'll see, I suppose. I also turned 20 on Monday! I beat teen pregnancy! Hooray! I had the best birthday of my life, I think. The Friday before, two of my absolute best friends in the whole wide world from Lee drove up for their spring break and to spend my birthday with me. My heart was overwhelmed with happiness. We went to my favorite places, did my favorite things, and I got to spend time with some of my favorite people. On my actual birthday, I had a therapy appointment for one hour. My mom took my friends around Columbus while I was in there. They picked me up after, and surprised me by taking me to Cabella's. I am in no form a fan of anything that one might find use for in Cabella's, but I think that's what made it so awesome and funny. We walked around and looked for the 5 taxidermy bears in the store, found the only mannequin with a head, and took pictures like weird tourists. After that, we went to my favorite restaurant, then to my favorite store Goodwill, and then I had an advising appointment at OSU. That night, all of my family went to Mellow Mushroom. I felt enveloped with love as we took up like 5 tables. I could overhear my family talking and making comments to one another about how good I look. While this could typically be a trigger for many with an eating disorder as they manipulate the compliment into making it sound like people are calling them fat, it made me feel so good. I wore a dress (I got into dresses) and I felt so good and confident. 2 other friends came down from northern Ohio to celebrate my birthday too, and they spent the night. When we got home, we played Just Dance, watched "Hoodwinked", and just stayed up and talked and ate desserts. Best birthday of my life, for sure. The next day, my friends left, and I am now very sad. When I said that breakfast timing thing was the hardest thing I've dealt with since being home, I changed my mind. Dealing with the sadness of my friends has been the hardest. Again, it's not terrible, but it's hard for me because my friends at Lee are the best friends I've ever had and we connected on all meaningful levels. It makes me sad to think about all of the fun times they will have together down there and how I can't be apart of them. I know that we will always stay in contact and they will always be my best friends, but there is definitely something to be said about being able to walk down the hall whenever I feel like it and see them. I want to go back to Lee, but I know I only want to for them. I know that's not justifiable enough to spend so much money at a school that I'm very indifferent about, but it seems so worth it just to be with my friends. I also know that even if I did decide to try and go back, I need to wait awhile and live at home because I can't handle life on my own right now. To quote every person ever, "the struggle is real." (Which begs the question, is the struggle ever fake?) Oh! Another big thing: after two weeks of searching, I found a job! I now work at the Village Coffee Company in Granville (a little village next to my town)! I finally got my dream job of working at a coffee shop! I started this past week and I'm just training. I love it so far! Since I have at least 3 months before school starts (assuming I go in Summer), and that I only have treatment for 3 hours a day, I decided to go back to my other job at the Dairy Isle when I'm not working at the coffee shop. The coffee shop closes at 6 everyday and they are closed on Sundays, so I'll have time to do it. Am I overworking myself? I don't think so. I love my jobs and I love to work, so this is good for me. Am I giving up my social life? Not really; I don't really have one at home. Like I said, my friends at Lee are the best friends I've ever had. I only really have 4 best friends at home, and 2 of them work all of the time, 1 of them live an hour away, and the other lives 3 hours away. A lot of my friends are at my work too, so that's where I like to socialize. And getting paid is always a plus. I'm looking forward to starting school because I'm hoping I can make friends. The tricky thing about OSU-Newark is that it's a commuter school, and people either go in to get their degree and get out, or they go in with an established friend group; not many are really there to make friends. But here's to holding on to hope! So, here I sit at Panera, two coffees later (I drink way to fast). It's about time for me to eat my morning snack. I don't mind eating, but it does get on my nerves. I feel like a hobbit with the amount of times I eat a day. It's annoying to have to take time 6 times a day to eat something. I know it's almost what normal people do, but I'm still not used to eating "normally". I only have like 3-5 pounds left to gain before I reach my goal weight, and I am so pumped to get it over with. I've been eating all of the things I was scared to eat when I was in my disorder (a lot of desserts), and to be honest, I'm tired of them already. Besides that, though, my life is good. I have no complaints. Treatment is going well and I'm doing well in it. I miss my friends, but I'll see them again soon. To my shock, my mom was talking about me going back to Lee and her being okay with it. I couldn't believe that she would be okay with it after what has happened the past two times I've gone down there. Again, I would love to go back but just for my friends. I'm going to give OSU at least one Fall semester before I make any big decisions like that, but going back is in the back of my mind. For now, though, I'm okay with being home, being a barista, and being comfortable in my new body. I'm even okay with being elderly and sitting around drinking coffee.

Two Week-A-Versary

Today is Tuesday and it is the 14th day that I've been in treatment. It's weird because it has gone by so fast but I feel like I've been here forever and a day. It's going pretty well. This past weekend from like Friday through Sunday were the "worst" days that I've had so far. And when I say "worst," I mean that in terms of in comparison to the other days that I've been here, they haven't been as great. but they weren't terrible...just not as good. On Friday I decided to print out a picture of myself from last year when I was weight restored. I wanted to try and look at it and accept myself, as well as write down whatever emotions came up or how I felt. Well, it was a good exercise in terms of bringing up emotions because I felt muy scared. I am TERRIFIED of going back to that, so it was good to look at it and deal with the emotions that came up because I'm more than likely going to back to looking like that soon. I know that I didn't look bad and that I was healthy, but that doesn't make up for the fear of gaining weight, or going back to that appearance, that I'm currently battling. I just associate the way that I looked with a great deal of self-hate and sadness. When I first got to that weight/appearance, I was fine. I was totally happy and gung-ho about recovery. However, it proved that "all good things come to an end" was the case in my situation as I eventually realized what I looked like, I (or, at least, my eating disorder) didn't like it, and I hated myself. I couldn't walk pat a mirror without balling my eyes out. I saw myself as the fat, overweight, lonely, attention-seeking little girl that I once was and I freaked...hence the relapse that landed me where I am now. #swag. I'm learning that I place so much importance in my weight because of the feelings that I experienced when I was a higher weight. I never got the attention of boys, the same kind of attention that other girls got, I felt like the only thing I was really good at was being the "funny fat girl." I've realized that the eating disorder gives me the attention and nurturing from my parents that I feel as though I missed out on as a kid because they were either working or helping my dependent brother (note to parents: this isn't about condemnation, it's about how I feel). I've realized that the eating disorder is my means of coping with stress and anxiety. I've realized that my eating disorder provides safety: in my eating disorder, I don't have to deal with the hassle and stress of "normal life." I can starve my way into a mini-vacation where I don't have to make decisions or do work, in the form of a treatment center. So while the eating disorder really sucks and ruins my life, it provides something for me that I have a hard time getting outside of it. I have no complaints as far as treatment goes, except there are only like 2 groups a day and they aren't mandatory, and there is wayyyyy too much free time. I've seen/heard at least two incidents of people trying to run away (a.k.a. "elopement"). I've realized all treatment centers smell the same and that scent is fart because everyone's digestive system is whacked out. The food here isn't as good as when I went to Rosewood, but I've had some tasty meals. We go on outings every weekend, and this past weekend we went bowling (which was fun for bowling). I pooped at the bowling alley and it was exciting not to have someone check the toilet before I flushed (which we have to do whenever we go to the bathroom here). We have "fresh air" breaks where smokers can go upstairs to smoke, or you can go downstairs to get some fresh air, or you can just stay inside. The past couple of days have been sunny and in the 70's; I actually got hot yesterday which was a refreshing change of pace. A couple of people and I meet every morning after breakfast to read the day's passage of "Jesus Calling" and pray, and then we meet on Saturday mornings to have a Bible study over the book of Exodus. It's a good group because it's the only spiritual aspect of the facility besides going to mass on Sundays which is...mass-y. More than that, though, it's a good reminder of God's presence. I believe is and I feel God with me in this process. I pray that He won't make me "fat", but I ultimately want His will no matter what. It's hard for me to accept and it's hard for me to think about, but I believe that God will use me and love me no matter what size I am. I just really, really, REALLY hope it's not huge...