Me as an Elderly Citizen

I've transformed into an elderly person. I go to bed no later than 10:30 every night, I enjoy crocheting in my free time, I don't go out when the sun goes down, and my favorite thing to do is wake up early and sit around and drink coffee. Currently I'm sitting at Panera being "one of those people" who sit around coffee shops and write on a laptop so everyone can see them working on something. That's not why I'm here, though. Like I said, I've become elderly and like to sit around and drink coffee. I used to hate Panera, but last July I got a reward that got me a free cup of coffee every day of the month, so I utilized it very well and adapted to love Panera. The employees may have ended up knowing me as "that" girl who they could guess my order (a cup of coffee that I didn't have to pay for and nothing else) before I was at the register. I only got a cup of coffee today, but at least I paid for it, right? I really love writing this blog, but I'm really bad at keeping up with it; my apologies. Quite a bit has happened in the past couple of weeks since my last post, so I'll catch you up to speed. First, I'm no longer in Denver. I was discharged after being there for 35 days. I enjoyed my time there. I made really good friends and did the recovery thing. It was a good experience, but also very strange because I didn't struggle. There was that one weekend with the picture of myself that I wrote about in the post prior to this, but that was seriously it, and that wasn't even that bad. I got much better at being able to sit with and tolerate my emotions. I enjoyed the therapy there, as I felt I had more revelations regarding the utility and potential causes of my eating disorder, and I liked the methods of therapy they used. I don't really have much to say about my time there because honestly, not a whole lot happened. From day one I was my normal happy and positive self. I'm 99.9% sure that I just needed a nutritional kick in the butt to snap me out of my funk. I've known what to do in terms of my eating disorder for 3 years, but I was so malnourished that I wasn't cognitively functioning well enough to do what I needed to. Once the food went in, real me came out. It's pretty great. I flew into Cleveland, Ohio and my mom, brother, and aunt picked me up. The next day, I began my step down treatment in Columbus at a place called the Center for Balanced Living. I began their PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program), which is what I did last year where I went to treatment all day and went home (or the Ronald McDonald House in my case) at night. This program was different, though, in that I went for only 6 hours a day 5 days a week, and I lived at home the entire time. This is probably the best program I've ever been in. They tell me where I'm at with weight in terms of BMI and actual goals I'm trying to achieve with weight, unlike any other treatment I've ever been in where they tell you nothing. Now, I know that in the end, weight is just a number and it shouldn't matter...but to me, it does. Never before have I been excited about weight, but this time I am. Mind you, I'd rather not have to gain weight, but the weight I'm trying to achieve I am completely fine with. Currently, I feel confident and beautiful the way that I am, and the way that my body is. I've never really felt confident, so this is kind of fun. The average length of stay in PHP at the Center is 2-4 weeks, sometimes longer. I was there for 2 weeks because I did so well, and then I stepped down to a program that they call MAPP. Now, I go 4 days a week for 3 hours, and then see a therapist for 1 hour a week. Believe it or not, I have the same therapist that I had last year at Children's. Soon I'll drop down to 3 days a week for 3 hours and 1 hour a week with my therapist. I'm hoping that will happen after this week. Just like in Denver, I haven't really struggled with anything. I think the biggest thing so far is that I had some anxiety one morning when I went out to get something at the store and my dad made a couple of other stops, pushing my breakfast back, but that wasn't a big deal. For the past 2 1/2 months, my plan was to find a job, work 40-45 hours a week, and do school online. I was all set to start school at Ohio Christian University online to get a degree in business. My aspiration or my future career at the time was to open a coffee shop like Starbucks, travel to third world countries, source coffee beans there and make it a mission field for Jesus, and then travel back to the states and sell the coffee in my store and tell the peoples' stories. Then, I had a major breakthrough: what if I've had this eating disorder for a purpose for my career? I've always believed that God was using this disorder for a greater good, and that He had a greater purpose for it, but what if He wanted to make it my life? I think that the world of eating disorders is something I always knew I was supposed to do as I have an enormous heart for body image and people of the eating disorder population, and people have told me countless times that that's what I should be doing. I think I've just been running from it because I wanted to be done with the eating disorder in a way that seemed like it never happened. Well, God is a bro and has our best in mind. He made it clear to me that the coffee shop isn't what He has in store for me. Instead, I think He is calling me to be a therapist for people with eating disorders. My plan now is to be a therapist in a residential treatment center, and I want to have a Christian/scriptural emphasis. In my 6 years of dealing with this disorder, I've only encountered one therapist with any sort of faith backing, so I see a major need for it in the world. So, I changed my major to psychology. I think the same night I realized that I wanted to change my career, I also decided to change my goals for school. I love going to school and being a student, and if I went online, I would miss the personal interactions and relationships. So, I decided that I would cancel my enrollment at Ohio Christian University (and I felt terrible about that because the girl that was helping me get in was so sweet. I was terrified to check my email the days following my telling her I had a change of plans because of what I thought she would say. She was really nice though!), and instead re-admit into the Ohio State University in Newark either this summer or fall. I haven't decided if I want to move to main campus or not eventually because Newark is so much cheaper and I can get my entire degree there. Columbus is my favorite place in the whole world, though. We'll see, I suppose. I also turned 20 on Monday! I beat teen pregnancy! Hooray! I had the best birthday of my life, I think. The Friday before, two of my absolute best friends in the whole wide world from Lee drove up for their spring break and to spend my birthday with me. My heart was overwhelmed with happiness. We went to my favorite places, did my favorite things, and I got to spend time with some of my favorite people. On my actual birthday, I had a therapy appointment for one hour. My mom took my friends around Columbus while I was in there. They picked me up after, and surprised me by taking me to Cabella's. I am in no form a fan of anything that one might find use for in Cabella's, but I think that's what made it so awesome and funny. We walked around and looked for the 5 taxidermy bears in the store, found the only mannequin with a head, and took pictures like weird tourists. After that, we went to my favorite restaurant, then to my favorite store Goodwill, and then I had an advising appointment at OSU. That night, all of my family went to Mellow Mushroom. I felt enveloped with love as we took up like 5 tables. I could overhear my family talking and making comments to one another about how good I look. While this could typically be a trigger for many with an eating disorder as they manipulate the compliment into making it sound like people are calling them fat, it made me feel so good. I wore a dress (I got into dresses) and I felt so good and confident. 2 other friends came down from northern Ohio to celebrate my birthday too, and they spent the night. When we got home, we played Just Dance, watched "Hoodwinked", and just stayed up and talked and ate desserts. Best birthday of my life, for sure. The next day, my friends left, and I am now very sad. When I said that breakfast timing thing was the hardest thing I've dealt with since being home, I changed my mind. Dealing with the sadness of my friends has been the hardest. Again, it's not terrible, but it's hard for me because my friends at Lee are the best friends I've ever had and we connected on all meaningful levels. It makes me sad to think about all of the fun times they will have together down there and how I can't be apart of them. I know that we will always stay in contact and they will always be my best friends, but there is definitely something to be said about being able to walk down the hall whenever I feel like it and see them. I want to go back to Lee, but I know I only want to for them. I know that's not justifiable enough to spend so much money at a school that I'm very indifferent about, but it seems so worth it just to be with my friends. I also know that even if I did decide to try and go back, I need to wait awhile and live at home because I can't handle life on my own right now. To quote every person ever, "the struggle is real." (Which begs the question, is the struggle ever fake?) Oh! Another big thing: after two weeks of searching, I found a job! I now work at the Village Coffee Company in Granville (a little village next to my town)! I finally got my dream job of working at a coffee shop! I started this past week and I'm just training. I love it so far! Since I have at least 3 months before school starts (assuming I go in Summer), and that I only have treatment for 3 hours a day, I decided to go back to my other job at the Dairy Isle when I'm not working at the coffee shop. The coffee shop closes at 6 everyday and they are closed on Sundays, so I'll have time to do it. Am I overworking myself? I don't think so. I love my jobs and I love to work, so this is good for me. Am I giving up my social life? Not really; I don't really have one at home. Like I said, my friends at Lee are the best friends I've ever had. I only really have 4 best friends at home, and 2 of them work all of the time, 1 of them live an hour away, and the other lives 3 hours away. A lot of my friends are at my work too, so that's where I like to socialize. And getting paid is always a plus. I'm looking forward to starting school because I'm hoping I can make friends. The tricky thing about OSU-Newark is that it's a commuter school, and people either go in to get their degree and get out, or they go in with an established friend group; not many are really there to make friends. But here's to holding on to hope! So, here I sit at Panera, two coffees later (I drink way to fast). It's about time for me to eat my morning snack. I don't mind eating, but it does get on my nerves. I feel like a hobbit with the amount of times I eat a day. It's annoying to have to take time 6 times a day to eat something. I know it's almost what normal people do, but I'm still not used to eating "normally". I only have like 3-5 pounds left to gain before I reach my goal weight, and I am so pumped to get it over with. I've been eating all of the things I was scared to eat when I was in my disorder (a lot of desserts), and to be honest, I'm tired of them already. Besides that, though, my life is good. I have no complaints. Treatment is going well and I'm doing well in it. I miss my friends, but I'll see them again soon. To my shock, my mom was talking about me going back to Lee and her being okay with it. I couldn't believe that she would be okay with it after what has happened the past two times I've gone down there. Again, I would love to go back but just for my friends. I'm going to give OSU at least one Fall semester before I make any big decisions like that, but going back is in the back of my mind. For now, though, I'm okay with being home, being a barista, and being comfortable in my new body. I'm even okay with being elderly and sitting around drinking coffee.