When The Enemy Attacks

So, I have a confession to make: I'd rather be thin than follow my dreams. I know what you're probably thinking: "that goes against everything you stand for!" "Aren't you supposed to be past that?" Well, both of those are true. But that's where I'm at right now. Let me explain... A couple of weeks ago, I started feeling self-conscious. I texted my prayer arsenal, and literally a couple of hours later, I felt confident and good again. The power of prayer does work people! A couple of days later, I finally made a decision about school (which had been stressing me out for months), and I felt peace about it. The next day, I had a doctor's appointment where I felt scolded and I got very down about it. I even cried, and I am not a crier. This was the first attack that the enemy pressed on me. The moment I feel peace, he hit me right where it hurt: my appearance, my weight, and my pride. Again, I texted my prayer friends, and low and behold, I felt better a while later. A week or so passes and I have to go to my doctor again. This time, I met with my dietician and my therapist. I've been following my meal plan like I'm supposed to, except I haven't been drinking a supplement that is on it. Here is why: I'm in the weight range that my doctors said was appropriate for me, I'm in that weight range without drinking the supplement, the supplement was put in place when I wasn't gaining the weight needed to be in my range, and I just don't see the point of doing it if I'm maintaining a healthy weight. My dietician told me at this appointment that I needed to follow my meal plan 100% (including the supplement) for a couple of weeks to see what happens with my weight, and she wants to see me weekly (we were doing once every 3 weeks). So that appointment left me scared and confused. I'm scared that I'm going to gain unnecessary weight, and confused about why they're making me gain unnecessary weight. Next, I met with my therapist and we talked about how I felt about what had just happened. We talked about how I hated myself at this time last year for my weight, why I would be sad if I gained weight, and just all the feels. We also discussed how I have 2 medical complications due to my eating disorder history and how those things COULD BE attributed to my weight and possibly how I'm not where I need to be with my weight. The thing is, these medical complications take time to heal and I don't think my weight is going to change that right away. So, I left my appointments balling my eyes out and begging God to not make me fat. It's been 4 days since those appointments, and I sit here crippled with fear. Fear that I'm going to gain weight, that my clothes aren't going to fit, fear of the sizes I may have to be, and more so, fear that I would rather stay thin than be healthy. Actually, I'm really not that afraid of that (which kind of scares me...does that make sense?). Right now, I'd rather give up my dreams than get bigger. If someone told me that, I would feel so sad for them and beg them not to think that way, yet here I am feeling as such. I've texted my prayer pals and I believe they are praying for me, but I still feel so afraid. Mostly, I'm afraid that God is going to make me fat to show me that appearance or weight doesn't matter and I need to rely on Him (which I understand now). Ultimately, I want His will to be done, but I hope with all of my might that doesn't mean I have to give up the weight I'm at right now where I feel confident and happy. Too much to ask? Probably. Jesus did say that we must deny ourselves and pick up our crosses daily, but I never thought it would be this hard. It's almost funny how the day I started to feel peace about one thing stressing me out, the enemy has been attacking me in my most vulnerable area. I just have to keep praying, hoping, and doing what I know is right. I know God has the power to save and bring me through this time of tribulation; I just hope He does it quickly because the fear and stress is overwhelming.