The Biggest Apology I've Ever Made

Hi. Okay, so you may have noticed that the word "apology" is the focus of the title of this post. There will be many much needed apologies coming up, so get ready... First, I want to apologize for not posting in a long time. I've been...busy? No, I've been lazy. There's been a lot that has changed and updated, and I will reflect on that soon (fingers crossed) in another post very soon, but for now, I want to focus on something more important than just what has changed recently. Second, (beginning the girth of why I'm apologizing, I just have to say that I am sorry. I am so, so, sorry. Not only have things in my life changed, but so have I...and not necessarily for the better. I want to apologize to my friends from any treatment that I've ever been in. Earlier this summer, I got upset with one of my counselor's and I just quit treatment. I gave up. I missed the life that my eating disorder gave me, so I went back to it. I'm sorry to my "friends in recovery" because I wanted to be a better example, a role model for when you wanted to give up, and a better friend. I'm sorry because a real "friend" wouldn't do that. I'm sorry for telling you that this lifestyle is not worth it and then turning around and being a total hypocrite. I'm sorry for not talking to you or inquiring about your lives and struggles all summer. I'm sorry for never making an effort to see any of you. I'm sorry that I let myself become a victim again. I want to apologize to my friends. I didn't make any effort to see any of you this summer, and I'm even more sorry because I didn't want to. I used the excuse of summer school and work to not hang out with you, even though I could have numerous times. I'm sorry that I didn't ask how you were doing more, and for not being there to support you. To be 100% real, I was too tired and I had no energy to do anything (because I wasn't eating like I should have been), so I just stayed at home. I love you guys so much, and I haven't showed it in any degree. I'm sorry. This should be saved for last because He is THE one I should be giving my biggest apology to, but I need to save the last for people who I feel most sorry about (which might not be good...?). But I'm sorry to God. You have given me countless chances, put so many different people in my life, and given me so many blessings and grace to conquer this disease, and I disregarded all of it. I fell into sin, and I did it willingly. I knew the repercussions of what I did, and I didn't care. I didn't care about destroying the temple you've given me. I didn't care about the people you sent who were worried about me. I didn't care about the love and redemption and freedom you gave me through your death. I gave into temptation and flesh and I wanted it. I was not your servant and by means NO example of you. I'm sorry for getting a tattoo in honor of you and your love, and then being a complete hypocrite and making it a joke or a lie. I didn't live my life for you, and I am sorry. Now for the big apology I have to make: to my parents, brother, and family. I am truly sorry. I know, I've said it to you different times, but I don't know if you truly grasp the depth of how remorseful I truly am for what I've done. I'm sorry for tearing us apart. I'm sorry for making you watch me destroy myself. I'm sorry for making you think that I'm going to die. I'm sorry for keeping you up at night wondering if I was still breathing. I'm sorry if I made you lose faith in God or His love mercy. I'm sorry for all of the stupid fights and yelling over food or meals. I'm sorry to my Mom for adding to all of the stress that you have already, being mean to you, being edgy and cranky, and saying things that I never meant. I'm sorry to my Dad for not doing my best, not doing what I need to do, making you doubtful or unsure, and not living up to the potential that you believe I have. I'm sorry to my brother for making you endure all of the fights with Mom and Dad, not being there for you more, for scaring you, for not being a good example of the love of Christ that I want you to have, and for not being a good sister. I'm sorry to my aunt who came all the way from Washington to visit for making your trip miserable and uncomfortable. I'm sorry to my Grandma for not being there for you more when you needed me, or for being there but only for my own self and benefit. I'm sorry to my family, in general, for not being all that you know I can be and for making all of your prayers and well-wishes a waste. So, in sum, I'm just so sorry. I've been mean, selfish, hurtful, disobedient, stubborn, willful, prideful, arrogant, and hateful. It's no excuse, but please know that it wasn't me; it was this stupid disease. I don't want to live like that. I want to be happy and nice and, well...me. Please know that I am going to do my best to make this right. I'm going to eat better, pray harder, study more, and make a life for myself. Not just that, but I'm going to do something to make this world a better place. I love you all more than anything. I can't express myself fully in this post, and (to be honest) I have class in 8 minutes, so I'm keeping this brief. I'm sorry. I love you all. God bless you. I'm apologize.