Meant To Be Posted New Year's Day...Oopsie

Happy New Year! You know, I was sitting in bed thinking about how weird it is that we celebrate New Year's. Like, we celebrate a date. Not a date that commemorates anything special, but just a date. I spent my New Year's this year at a friends' party. It was nice, but I hate being out late (especially in the Winter), so I went home and hung out with my dad. And to be honest, that is my idea of a good New Year's celebration. So, tis the season. Not a lot had happened since my last post. I still love my job. Like, LOVE my job. When people ask me how it is, I tell them it's the second best thing that's ever happened to me (the first being Jesus, of course). I've been trying to be very prayerful about my decision on whether or not to return to school. I've been worried about what I will do with my time if I don't go to school, because I like to be constantly busy and I try not to have down time during the day. I talked to my managers about potentially working full time. They said a few more hours might be opening up in mid-February/early March, but nothing full-time yet. That was pretty discouraging to hear, because until that point I felt confident that God wanted me to take another semester off, and then I was left uncertain. However, the more time goes on and I continue to pray about it, I don't feel led to return to school next semester. There is really no part of me that feels a pressing need or desire to go back right away. Right now, I'm in a season of life where I'm perfectly content and happy with the way things are. I love my job, I love my family and friends, and things are just good. This is really exciting for me because I've never really felt like this. I don't know what's going to happen to me in the future or where I'm going to go or what I'm going to do, and I'm okay with it. Sure, I still plan my days out in terms of meeting people, what I'll eat, what I'll wear, and small things like that, but I've begun to surrender the big things to God...and it feels so freeing. Now about the small things, that's still a work in progress. I know I need to surrender EVERYTHING to Him, so that is what I want to work on this year. My eating has been okay. I say "okay" because I no longer struggle with fear of food or what it will do to my body, and I don't use it as a coping mechanism for my stress and anxiety. I do struggle with hunger cues and controlling food though. Like I said, God has allowed me to surrender a lot of my desires for control onto Him. However, I have an eating disorder and that son-of-a-gun knows where to hit me. When I give up one thing in my life, the disorder fights back and tries to hit me where I'm most vulnerable (a.k.a. food). When I say that I'm struggling, my struggles are essentially just me planning what I'm going to eat in advance, and getting wigged out if they don't go according to plan. I need to practice flexibility (both in life and body because I can hardly touch my toes anymore...). But other than that, I don't really think about food or have eating disorder thoughts. This is a double-edge sword because while it is incredibly liberating and exciting, it can also be very dangerous if I don't stay on my guard. I've been praying for God to help me give up my desire for control onto Him, and for Him to help me eat without planning or worrying. “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?" -Matthew 6:25 The biggest things that God has been revealing to me in the past couple of months is "do not be afraid". My quiet times with Him are the most refreshing, pleasurable part of my days. It's actually funny to say that because there are days where I don't have my quiet time just because I "don't have time", or I'm too comfortable to get up, get out my bible, and read. I've found that I have to go out somewhere in public (like a coffee shop) to read, or else I get too distracted at home. It's amazing how God pursues us and just wants us to spend time with Him. I say it's amazing because you feel amazing after you do it. Sure, you may be convicted in your time, or you may struggle along the way, but (at least for me) I feel like I'm participating in a never-ending relationship with the King of Kings, and He actually wants to spend that time with me. It's very exciting, I say all of this to encourage and just share how I experience God and how freaking awesome it can be. I've also found that God likes coffee because He enjoys communicating with me over a cup of coffee. (Disclaimer: this has not been scripturally proven true or false). In the New Year, my resolution is going to be to obey God. Writing that out is actually embarrassing because when I say it, I think "well why do you need a New Year to do that? You should be doing it every day anyway." My answer to that is I'm human and humans don't always think in the most logical or even spiritual terms. BUT today is the first day of the new year, so I will be obedient. I'm both excited and terrified about this resolution. Excited because who knows what the Lord has in store for me, but terrified because who knows what the Lord has in store for me. This will be my first year not in rehab (fingers crossed we can keep that up). This will be my first year choosing to work and not go to school. This will be my first year to be in a relationship (details in progress). Most of all, this will be my first year that I go into it trying to dedicate my life to serving and loving the Lord. Like I said, exciting but terrifying.