Day Nine: Fears and A.D.D.

What makes a fear "irrational"? Is it the fear itself or someone else deciding that it is irrational? My biggest fear: getting "fat" (which I hate to admit). Part of the eating disorder also makes me scared of certain foods. Not exactly the foods themselves, but their effects on the body. The fear is usually that a certain food will make me fat. I know that eating in general, or a certain kind of food won't make me gain 50 pounds instantly, but rather the usual fear is that I will keep eating and eating, thus giving me an additional layer of blubber. I would like to note that these have been the fears that I've faced for the past 4 years, but not so much recently. I still don't want to get "fat", but I want to be happy, healthy, and have energy.

 Here are some types of food that I am/have been afraid of:

• Grain-type carbohydrates (bread, pasta, cereal, oatmeal, rice, noodles, crackers, granola bars, etc.)
• Desserts
• Ice Cream
• Cheese
• Milk 
• Anything high in calories   

Ironically, I haven't been too afraid or cautious with fat, and I gravitate to protein because it's good for your hair. On my meal plan, I'm required to eat a variety of all of it. The biggest food group that I have to consume is grains. Oh, life, how you have a funny, strange sense of humor. I don't have a problem with the amount of grains in my life currently, besides it's still a little bit difficult to get it all in (that's why bagels are my salvation in grain). It also stinks when I have to get servings of one food group when I really want another, or when I want more of one food group but already got my servings of it in for the day. Yes, I could go above and beyond what the meal plan requires, but a.) I'm still a wee bit scared of food because the meal plan is supposed to be what I need and I don't want to consume more than that and b.) there is no point in eating one thing when I'm going to eat something else. I could get a belly-ache for Pete's sake. Speaking of which, who is Pete? Why do we do things for his sake?  Sorry, that was my 50/50 percent chance of having A.D.D. kicking in (I was tested over the summer, and the doctor told me that I had a 50/50 percent chance of having A.D.D., but there wasn't a real way to discern whether or not I did because my thoughts could have been due to A.D.D. or due to the eating disorder).

Since being on the meal plan, I am glad to say that I'm not as afraid of food as I once was. Not even close. I haven't eaten desserts of any sort since being on the meal plan, but I haven't been craving them as badly as I do when I'm not feeding myself like a "normal" human being should. I like to eat. I really do. I think that food is good (at least when it's good food we're talking about). As a matter of fact, I have favorite foods. Some of them include granola bars, protein bars, yogurt, vegetables, and the ULTIMATE..frozen coffee beverages, namely Starbucks (which aren't "technically" food, but they have calories, so I consider them to be). No one is truly "fearless" no matter how much they claim to be. Some fears are rational while others are irrational. But what makes a fear irrational, or who decides that a fear is irrational? Sure, to some, my fear of getting "fat"/ food may be irrational, but why is it any different than the fears of death, clowns, the future, or being alone? Personally, I don't think death is scary because at least when you die, you're with God; clowns are funny and make me smile; the future is inevitable so what's the point in fearing it; and one is never truly alone because God is always with them. Those are some of the ways that I rationalize things. To me, it's pure logic. There is no real way to decide what is "rational" or "irrational" as everyone is different and have different opinions. It's not fair to judge one person's fear because they can turn it right back around and judge. Personally, I think that my fear is incredibly stupid and irrational. I can use logic to tell myself how irrational my fear is, but eating disorders (like any mental illness) takes logic out of the equation, and forces people to act and think based on emotion. It's okay to be scared. The way that the fear is dealt with is the important thing. For some it can be hiding, while others resolve to horrible mesures to escape the fear. For me, I have restricted my food intake and given into the fear. Now, though, I am able to discern what I believe to be "rational" and "irrational", and I know that restricting is incredibly "irrational." So, I'm not going to do it anymore. Nope. It's not happening.