Tuesday is the worst day of the week. See, Mondays at least evokes feelings of some nature (usually bad) because it's Monday, Wednesday is "hump day" and the week is half way over, Thursday holds the anticipation of the next day being Friday, and then Friday is Friday and the weekend is the weekend. Tuesdays, though, are nothing. For some reason, whenever something bad or less than pleasant happens to me, it's ALWAYS a Tuesday. Ever since I was in 8th grade, Tuesdays have not been my friend. So far, this Tuesday WAS NOT been a good day for me. I'm ridiculously stressed out and overwhelmed about this stupid meal plan. It amazes me how I could be so happy and pumped one day, and then the next day turns out to give me the complete opposite feelings about the exact same thing. I don't know what it was about today that got me so down. I thought about what I was going to eat at practically every moment of the day. I think a lot of it had to do with the schedule that I have on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have class starting at 9:10, and I don't have a break until 2:30. Trying not to use a meal added to my obsession, an I don't know why because I have 8 left to use by Thursday. Whatever.
Well, I woke up when my alarm went off at 6:37, laid in bed, and tried to pray. Unfortunately, my mind was overtaken by the thoughts of what I was going to eat the rest of the day and planning my day in regards to food. I went from talking to God, and then 15 minutes later, I would realize that I had been thinking about food (even though I'm trying to live in the present). After getting frustrated with my train of thought, I decided to get my ipod in the hopes that I could focus better if I listened to some good ol' Jesus music...nope. Didn't help. I tried for another 20 minutes, and then my thoughts of what I was going to eat throughout the day decided they weren't going any where, so I got out of bed and got ready for the day. I ate my breakfast, made a cup of tea, and went to class. I was able to pay attention to the main point of the class, but I did begin to wander. I went to chapel, where I paid attention to the vast majority, and then I went to Old Testament, where I was completely gone the entire time. We were discussing archaeology (which is something that actually really intrigues me, and I've even considered being an archaeologist), and I just could not get a grip to focus. Next was Rhetoric and Research in the library, where we went over how to find sources on the library's database, and then my school day was over. At 3:00, I walked to downtown Cleveland to go to Y-Cap, a place run by the Chattanooga YMCA that helps 10-14 year old's with juvenile issues and self-destructive behaviors, where I help tutor the kids and help with homework twice a week. I really enjoy it. It's fun and I really like the kids that go. Today, however, I got irritated because the girl I was helping refused to do her homework. That added to my stress, and I was just done with it all. I left after an hour, and as I walked back to my dorm, I was thinking about how stressed I felt, and my initial thought was "just don't eat," or "eat what you want instead of the meal plan." HOLD ON! TIME OUT! Could that be how I deal with stress? By not eating? Is this where my eating disorder has stemmed from? Of course, I said "no" to myself, but it was a very revealing moment for me. When I got to the dorm, I talked to my hall mates about how stressed I was. It felt good to talk about, but it didn't relieve the issue. At 5:15, we went to dinner, and then at 7:30, we went to Convocation. I don't know if it's me or if it's convocation, but I started dosing of again. Sorry, Convocation. I then went to the rec center with some of my friends because I just wanted to do something active and release some of the tension and stress I'm feeling. I cycled for about 5 minutes, and then I remembered that there is a reason why I don't enjoy being physically active.
To people who don't believe in God, or depending on how one practices their faith, this will sound dumb or weird, but I think that these thoughts about food are Satan taunting me and trying to pull me away from Christ. I've figured that is the reason why I am constantly battling myself and my thoughts, especially when I'm trying to speak with God. At least, that is my insight. I've surrendered my eating disorder to Christ, and now I've surrendered my stupid, obsessive, food thoughts to Him. However, I realize that just because I've surrendered doesn't mean that God is going to just take it away from me. It is still a battle, and I have to fight it. The good thing is, though, is that I know that God is fighting with me, on my side, and He's always there to pick me up when I stumble. So even though today was not pleasant by any definition of the word (except for Lucifer, that jerk), it was just a little bump in the road. Just because I had a little snag in my challenge doesn't mean that all. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I'll wake up on the right side of the bed. As long as it's not Tuesday, all is well.
Food Log: Tuesday October 1, 2013
Breakfast:
Cottage cheese; orange; apple
Snack:
Peanut butter crackers
Lunch:
Clif bar
Snack:
Pretzels; hummus; carrots; orange juice
Dinner:
Tuna salad wrap; veggies; pasta sauce; Brussels sprouts; milk
Snack:
Yogurt; graham crackers
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