I really like activities. I hate rain because it ruins day time activities (unless you have indoor activities). Because of my love of activities, I plan things a lot. Yesterday I heard about an event that I thought sounded fun: a trip to Chattanooga with the Diversity Council to a multi-cultural festival. I was stoked! So, I made plans to go with my friends, Michaela and Abigail. Well, as it turns out, it wasn't as fun and exciting as hoped. There were promises of free food, face painting, origami, yoga, dancing, and other things that turned out to NOT be free. Rip off. When I heard that there was going to be free "multi-cultural" food, I anticipated eating a lot of carb-esque type food, so I planned my breakfast accordingly. Well, since that was not the case, it was pointless. When we left the "festival", we went to Coolidge Park and the Diverstiy Council got us pizza. "Multi-cultural" in a sense, but not what I was expecting. But, I did get some of my grain, protein, and dairy servings in.
We walked around Chatt for awhile, and then returned home to campus . I worked on homework, and then figured I should consume something else so I could complete my meal plan for the day. I went to Dunkin Donuts with some friends, and got a pumpkin muffin and a coffee (Dunkin's coffee is terrible, plus I'm not that big on coffee as I used to be. However, the past two days I've wanted a hot beverage so I've gotten coffee.). It left much to be desired. We came back to the dorm and watched "Les Miserables." Perfection.
Now, the title mentions a "snag," and while you may be thinking it was the so-called "festival," it wasn't. The "snag" I speak of is my thoughts on what I consumed today. I felt like a "fatty" because of what I ate: a lot of carbs and not nearly enough vegetables. The thing is, though, I met my servings for the grains and the majority of the meal plan. I admit, I don't think I made it for the day, which is disappointing but I'm not going to let it get me down. Tomorrow is a new day. I was bothered because I saw the food I ate as crappy, unhealthy food, and I felt like that was all I consumed all day. It bothers me when I don't eat anything fresh, and I felt like all I ate was packaged garbage. Basically, too many carbs at once = Zoe's eating disorder telling her she sucks, is going to gain 40 pounds by tomorrow, and she sucks. Oh, eating disorder, you silly goose. You may have once had a hold of my mind, but no more.
While today didn't go according to plan, I really can't complain. It wasn't as fun as I hoped, but I had a good mindset throughout the day. My eating really bothered me, but I felt okay regardless. I felt present in the moment and alive. It was interesting, you see, because typically on a day like today (in terms of what I ate) I would obsess over food, not meeting the meal plan, or other things not important to the functioning of a "normal" life. But I didn't. It was awesome. Actually, I was hoping there would be a day on this challenge where I would be in a situation where it would be chow-time and there not be all of the foods that I need to fit the meal plan. How would I respond? Well, we found out. Result: not too bad. Although I did have negative feelings about my food consumption, I recognized that those feelings were unnecessary and I moved on. Tomorrow is a new day and I can meet my meal plan better than I did today. Too bad it's supposed to rain. It will ruin all of the activities that I don't have planned!
Food Log: Sunday October 6, 2013:
Breakfast:
Peanut butter;banana; two hot chocolates
Snack:
Carrots; apple slices
Lunch:
A big ol' New York style slice of pizza and a half
Snack:
Carrots; capri sun
Dinner:
Pumpkin muffin; soy milk
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Day Ten: Let's Do Some Research on the Subject of Anorexia Nervosa!
Through my experience with my eating disorder, I have learned a lot about anorexia nervosa and eating disorders in general. While I know a lot, I am by no means a reliable source of information regarding the subject. I don't have a degree in the subject, and I'm not a psychologist, dont'cha know (my attempt at the Canadian accent). Let's look into the world of "articles" and "research" and look at some of my findings that I personally relate to in regards to what I've experienced.
According to the Nutritional and Medical Assessment and Management of Eating Disorders, "Sociocultural influences may explain why eating disorders are mainly observed in economically advantaged communities and countries, and a cultural obsession with weight and thinness in women has been linked with the rising incidence of such disorders over the past two decades." A lot of my eating disorder stemmed from the fact that I felt ugly, different, and fat in comparison to the "perfect" society that people in today's world are forced to believe that we live in.
The article gives a table explaining the different side-effects of anorexia nervosa.
Some of these things that I have experienced include dehydration, bradycardia, dry skin, lanugo hair growth, and electrolyte disturbances. Now, I may have been inflicted with more of these things, but I don't understand the language of medical terms. From what I do understand, though, I have been dehydrated because of lack of fluids compared to energy exerted. Bradycardia is an abnormally low heart rate, which I've been diagnosed with the two different times that I was admitted into the hospital. The first time, my lowest heart rate was about 46 beats per minute, and the second time, my lowest heart rate was 34 beats per minute. I've experienced intense dry skin on my knuckles and hands, especially in the winter time. It actually got to the point where my hands would crack and be very painful. Lanugo hair is often compared to peach fuzz, and I've experienced this on my face and arms. They both had abnormal extra, light blond hair (and it made me feel like an albino werewolf). I experienced electrolyte disturbances according to my blood work before entering the hospital recently, however, I wasn't able to tell what effects it had on me.
Medicine and the human body are fascinating. The body is meant to function in a certain way, and we are supposed to do things a certain way to ensure that the body can do what it knows to do. When we don't, the body reacts in a negative manner. Starving oneself will cause the body to deteriorate and fall ill. Drinking mass amounts of alcohol will do the same in a different way. Our bodies are made to function in a certain way, and in order for them to function, we need to treat them nicely. So let us all resolve to respect and love our bodies so that we can be healthy and happy. It's easier said than done, but with persistence and perseverance, it can happen. One...two...three...GO TEAM!
According to the Nutritional and Medical Assessment and Management of Eating Disorders, "Sociocultural influences may explain why eating disorders are mainly observed in economically advantaged communities and countries, and a cultural obsession with weight and thinness in women has been linked with the rising incidence of such disorders over the past two decades." A lot of my eating disorder stemmed from the fact that I felt ugly, different, and fat in comparison to the "perfect" society that people in today's world are forced to believe that we live in.
The article gives a table explaining the different side-effects of anorexia nervosa.
Table 3. Clinical and Laboratory Abnormalities
Common in Low-Weight Eating Disorder Patients
Clinical Abnormalities
Hypothermia
Dehydration
Hypotension, bradycardia, prolonged QT interval, arrhythmia
Decreased heart size
Dry skin
Acrocyanosis
Lanugo hair growth
Delayed gastric emptying
Severe constipation, bowel obstruction
Swollen salivary glands, dental caries, and erosion of enamel (if self-induced vomiting present)
Osteopenia
Laboratory Abnormalities
Leukopenia, neutropenia, anemia, thrombocytopenia
Abnormal liver enzyme concentrations
Hypoglycemia
Hypercortisolemia, elevated urinary free cortisol
Hypercholesterolemia
Hypercarotenemia
Low T levels, sick euthyroid syndrome
Electrolyte disturbances (hypokalemia, hyponatremia, hypomagnesemia, hyperphosphatemia)
Low serum estradiol (testosterone, if male) concentration
Increased growth hormone"
Some of these things that I have experienced include dehydration, bradycardia, dry skin, lanugo hair growth, and electrolyte disturbances. Now, I may have been inflicted with more of these things, but I don't understand the language of medical terms. From what I do understand, though, I have been dehydrated because of lack of fluids compared to energy exerted. Bradycardia is an abnormally low heart rate, which I've been diagnosed with the two different times that I was admitted into the hospital. The first time, my lowest heart rate was about 46 beats per minute, and the second time, my lowest heart rate was 34 beats per minute. I've experienced intense dry skin on my knuckles and hands, especially in the winter time. It actually got to the point where my hands would crack and be very painful. Lanugo hair is often compared to peach fuzz, and I've experienced this on my face and arms. They both had abnormal extra, light blond hair (and it made me feel like an albino werewolf). I experienced electrolyte disturbances according to my blood work before entering the hospital recently, however, I wasn't able to tell what effects it had on me.
Medicine and the human body are fascinating. The body is meant to function in a certain way, and we are supposed to do things a certain way to ensure that the body can do what it knows to do. When we don't, the body reacts in a negative manner. Starving oneself will cause the body to deteriorate and fall ill. Drinking mass amounts of alcohol will do the same in a different way. Our bodies are made to function in a certain way, and in order for them to function, we need to treat them nicely. So let us all resolve to respect and love our bodies so that we can be healthy and happy. It's easier said than done, but with persistence and perseverance, it can happen. One...two...three...GO TEAM!
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Day Nine: Fears and A.D.D.
What makes a fear "irrational"? Is it the fear itself or someone else deciding that it is irrational? My biggest fear: getting "fat" (which I hate to admit). Part of the eating disorder also makes me scared of certain foods. Not exactly the foods themselves, but their effects on the body. The fear is usually that a certain food will make me fat. I know that eating in general, or a certain kind of food won't make me gain 50 pounds instantly, but rather the usual fear is that I will keep eating and eating, thus giving me an additional layer of blubber. I would like to note that these have been the fears that I've faced for the past 4 years, but not so much recently. I still don't want to get "fat", but I want to be happy, healthy, and have energy.
Here are some types of food that I am/have been afraid of:
Since being on the meal plan, I am glad to say that I'm not as afraid of food as I once was. Not even close. I haven't eaten desserts of any sort since being on the meal plan, but I haven't been craving them as badly as I do when I'm not feeding myself like a "normal" human being should. I like to eat. I really do. I think that food is good (at least when it's good food we're talking about). As a matter of fact, I have favorite foods. Some of them include granola bars, protein bars, yogurt, vegetables, and the ULTIMATE..frozen coffee beverages, namely Starbucks (which aren't "technically" food, but they have calories, so I consider them to be). No one is truly "fearless" no matter how much they claim to be. Some fears are rational while others are irrational. But what makes a fear irrational, or who decides that a fear is irrational? Sure, to some, my fear of getting "fat"/ food may be irrational, but why is it any different than the fears of death, clowns, the future, or being alone? Personally, I don't think death is scary because at least when you die, you're with God; clowns are funny and make me smile; the future is inevitable so what's the point in fearing it; and one is never truly alone because God is always with them. Those are some of the ways that I rationalize things. To me, it's pure logic. There is no real way to decide what is "rational" or "irrational" as everyone is different and have different opinions. It's not fair to judge one person's fear because they can turn it right back around and judge. Personally, I think that my fear is incredibly stupid and irrational. I can use logic to tell myself how irrational my fear is, but eating disorders (like any mental illness) takes logic out of the equation, and forces people to act and think based on emotion. It's okay to be scared. The way that the fear is dealt with is the important thing. For some it can be hiding, while others resolve to horrible mesures to escape the fear. For me, I have restricted my food intake and given into the fear. Now, though, I am able to discern what I believe to be "rational" and "irrational", and I know that restricting is incredibly "irrational." So, I'm not going to do it anymore. Nope. It's not happening.
Here are some types of food that I am/have been afraid of:
- Grain-type carbohydrates (bread, pasta, cereal, oatmeal, rice, noodles, crackers, granola bars, etc.)
- Desserts
- Ice Cream
- Cheese
- Milk
- Anything high in calories
Since being on the meal plan, I am glad to say that I'm not as afraid of food as I once was. Not even close. I haven't eaten desserts of any sort since being on the meal plan, but I haven't been craving them as badly as I do when I'm not feeding myself like a "normal" human being should. I like to eat. I really do. I think that food is good (at least when it's good food we're talking about). As a matter of fact, I have favorite foods. Some of them include granola bars, protein bars, yogurt, vegetables, and the ULTIMATE..frozen coffee beverages, namely Starbucks (which aren't "technically" food, but they have calories, so I consider them to be). No one is truly "fearless" no matter how much they claim to be. Some fears are rational while others are irrational. But what makes a fear irrational, or who decides that a fear is irrational? Sure, to some, my fear of getting "fat"/ food may be irrational, but why is it any different than the fears of death, clowns, the future, or being alone? Personally, I don't think death is scary because at least when you die, you're with God; clowns are funny and make me smile; the future is inevitable so what's the point in fearing it; and one is never truly alone because God is always with them. Those are some of the ways that I rationalize things. To me, it's pure logic. There is no real way to decide what is "rational" or "irrational" as everyone is different and have different opinions. It's not fair to judge one person's fear because they can turn it right back around and judge. Personally, I think that my fear is incredibly stupid and irrational. I can use logic to tell myself how irrational my fear is, but eating disorders (like any mental illness) takes logic out of the equation, and forces people to act and think based on emotion. It's okay to be scared. The way that the fear is dealt with is the important thing. For some it can be hiding, while others resolve to horrible mesures to escape the fear. For me, I have restricted my food intake and given into the fear. Now, though, I am able to discern what I believe to be "rational" and "irrational", and I know that restricting is incredibly "irrational." So, I'm not going to do it anymore. Nope. It's not happening.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Day Eight: An Unchallenging Challenge Day
It's 9 p.m. on a Friday night, and I'm nodding of as I watch "Monsters University"...what is my life? Well, it may not be the life of a typical college student, but I'm okay with that. Today was a great day, and it made me perfectly content with the way that my life is going. I started my day out the same as yesterday by waking up at 6:47 and going on a walk around campus. I don't have class on Fridays (which I don't like because I never have anything to do), so I went back to the dorm, fixed breakfast, and watched the "Scooby Doo" special where they are pinned against El Chupacabra. I sat around and wrote two of my best friends from Ohio, Ellen and Bethany, letters. I took them to the post office, and then returned to take a shower. I love showers here at Lee. They are spectacular and warm and glorious and, just...ahhh. I got dressed (when I got out of the shower, of course), and accompanied my friends to Chik-Fil-A. SIDENOTE: Jazzman's (the coffee shop) is right next to Chik-Fil-A. When we walked in, they had a sign up advertising their coffee beverage specialties, and their offerings irritated me. Why, you ask? THEY WERE FOR CHRISTMAS BEVERAGES! It is not even Halloween yet, gosh darn it!
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I returned to the dorm and ate some dorm-made lunch with anyone who was in the lounge. After that, I went back to my room to read a book that I'm required to read for my Intro to Missions class. I hate being in my room because I don't like not being around people, but this book is a good one, so it wasn't bad. After about an hour and a half, I accompanied some other friends to Chik-Fil-A because they wanted milkshakes (I went to Chik-Fil-A 4 times today without getting anything). When we got back, we celebrated "Flashback Friday" by watching "The Lizzie McGuire Movie." Nice. After about an hour, I went and met my friend, Andrew, outside of Dunkin Donuts. We sat at one of the tables and just talked. It was really fun just to hang out and talk. He had to go to some sort of kung-fu thing (I really don't know...), and it was dinner time, so I went back to my hall to go to dinner with my friends. They had all left when I got back, AFTER I asked them to let me know before they left. Regardless, I met them in the dining hall, and I had a good meal. After dinner, I walked to my friend, Judith's, house because she was having some people over. Later, we walked to Alumni Park to watch "Monsters University" that they were showing outside. It was sweet.
You may be wondering, "What does any of this have to do with a challenge about following a meal plan?" Well, for starters, today was the first time I barely thought about food at all. I felt "normal" for the majority of the day. I followed my meal plan. I didn't have (or at least I didn't have noticeable) anxieties about food. Could I finally be getting used to this? Am I finally becoming normal? That is a possibility. I know that there will still be crap days, but today was a good one. It was an amazing feeling, looking back, to just live. I took my meals one meal at a time instead of planning my entire day out (kind of like most "normal" people do). I kind of did things spontaneously today too. The only real activities that I had planned for today was my walk and the movie. That's it. I'm really excited about this. I hope that I can continue to keep up with living like this. It's definitely a lot better than being anxious, scared, or expectant about the future. So if that means that I'm a cool college kid that falls asleep at 9 p.m. on a Friday night, than so be it.
Food Log: Friday October 4, 2013
Breakfast:
Peanuts; cheerios; an unripe pear
Lunch:
Tofu-Eggplant salad; apple
Snack:
Oatmeal; orange juice
Dinner:
Tofu-bean wrap; roasted vegetables; Asian mushroom-onion soup; soy milk.
Snack:
Popcorn; milk
Snack 2:
TBD
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Day Seven: Dear Prudence
It takes approximately 45 minutes and 49 seconds to walk around the entire Lee University campus. I know this because I took a walk this morning. I got up when my alarm went off at 6:37, laid in bed and (tried to) pray, and got ready for the day (can you sense the routine I follow every day?). Around 7:45, I left my dorm and began my walk. I decided that I would walk all around the perimeter of the campus and I timed myself while I did so. I chose to go on a walk because it was a lovely morning, I love walking, and it just sounded nice. As I walked, I put the Christian music genre on shuffle on my iPod to listen to. I have over 60 Christian songs on my iPod, but for some reason, my iPod only plays Chris Tomlin and Chris Lawson (the worship leader at my Church). So I walked to the pace of "Jesus Messiah" and "Indescribable." I thought that the walk would be a good time to focus on talking to God, which it did (besides the times where my mind wandered...shocker). I listen to Christian music in general because I like it, and because I want to try and praise God. Sometimes it works, while other times I find myself simply hearing but not truly listening. I've really listened to nothing but Christian music, and every time I have a tendency of zoning out, and I don't know why.
After my walk, I got breakfast, went to the student union to read, and then went to chapel where the "Lee Singers" were performing. I tried to sing along and worship God, and it did work for one song, but that's it. I think that I try annd find myself (as dumb as that sounds) in Christian music. I've come to realize, though, that the purpose of most Christian music is to glorify Christ and not yourself. I usually feel disheartened for not feeling more connected to myself after I listen to Christian music. After Chapel, I went to Old Testament class, then Rhteoric and Research, and then I went to volunteer again in downtown Cleveland. As I walked back to my dorm when I was done, I decided to change the playlist I was listening to from Christian music to the Beatles. I used to be OBSESSED with the Beatles when I was in junior high, up until my eating disorder took over and stole all of my passions and interests from me. Today, though, all I needed was love...(Eh? Eh? Anything?). As I walked, the sun shining in my face, the song "Dear Prudence" came on, and as the lyrics chanted "The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful, and so are you," I felt myself again. At different times throughout the day, I had my stupid food thoughts that stressed/bothered me and I couldn't take my mind off of them. When that song came on though, I remembered how happy and "normal" I used to be. Moreso, listening to the Beatles today made me feel happy and "normal" again.
Christian music is one of the greatest means of praise and worship that we as Christians have available to us. Not only does it give us the chance to connect with God, but it also gives us a chance to share Him with others who may only be able to connect with Him musically. The thing about Christian music, though, is that it can get repetitive and lackluster if you listen to the same thing over and over again (which I typically do because I'm no good at discovering new artists). The cool thing about music in general is that God can use whoever He wants, whatever genre He wants to speak to people. A lot of the time, I do come in contact with the Lord via Christian music. Listening to the music that I once held so close to my heart today made me feel more in contact with myself, which in turn helps me feel more in contact with God. My eating disorder made my life like a hole: full of nothing. With this meal plan, I feel God working in me to bring me back to Him and back to a state of "normalcy." Although Christian music is a means of praising God, it is not the only means, and God showed me this through the greatest band of all time who did not implement the Word of God into their motives or philosophies. As I continue my meal plan, I know that I'll still have my thoughts and struggles, but God is there to nudge me, singing "Dear Zoe, won't you come out to play?"
Food Log: Thursday October 3, 2013:
Breakfast:
Egg and cheese breakfast sandwich; orange juice
Lunch:
Peanut butter sandwich
Snack:
Carrots
Dinner:
Tuna salad sandwich; vegetable soup; cooked carrots; milk
Snack:
Milk; yogurt; cereal
After my walk, I got breakfast, went to the student union to read, and then went to chapel where the "Lee Singers" were performing. I tried to sing along and worship God, and it did work for one song, but that's it. I think that I try annd find myself (as dumb as that sounds) in Christian music. I've come to realize, though, that the purpose of most Christian music is to glorify Christ and not yourself. I usually feel disheartened for not feeling more connected to myself after I listen to Christian music. After Chapel, I went to Old Testament class, then Rhteoric and Research, and then I went to volunteer again in downtown Cleveland. As I walked back to my dorm when I was done, I decided to change the playlist I was listening to from Christian music to the Beatles. I used to be OBSESSED with the Beatles when I was in junior high, up until my eating disorder took over and stole all of my passions and interests from me. Today, though, all I needed was love...(Eh? Eh? Anything?). As I walked, the sun shining in my face, the song "Dear Prudence" came on, and as the lyrics chanted "The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful, and so are you," I felt myself again. At different times throughout the day, I had my stupid food thoughts that stressed/bothered me and I couldn't take my mind off of them. When that song came on though, I remembered how happy and "normal" I used to be. Moreso, listening to the Beatles today made me feel happy and "normal" again.
Christian music is one of the greatest means of praise and worship that we as Christians have available to us. Not only does it give us the chance to connect with God, but it also gives us a chance to share Him with others who may only be able to connect with Him musically. The thing about Christian music, though, is that it can get repetitive and lackluster if you listen to the same thing over and over again (which I typically do because I'm no good at discovering new artists). The cool thing about music in general is that God can use whoever He wants, whatever genre He wants to speak to people. A lot of the time, I do come in contact with the Lord via Christian music. Listening to the music that I once held so close to my heart today made me feel more in contact with myself, which in turn helps me feel more in contact with God. My eating disorder made my life like a hole: full of nothing. With this meal plan, I feel God working in me to bring me back to Him and back to a state of "normalcy." Although Christian music is a means of praising God, it is not the only means, and God showed me this through the greatest band of all time who did not implement the Word of God into their motives or philosophies. As I continue my meal plan, I know that I'll still have my thoughts and struggles, but God is there to nudge me, singing "Dear Zoe, won't you come out to play?"
Food Log: Thursday October 3, 2013:
Breakfast:
Egg and cheese breakfast sandwich; orange juice
Lunch:
Peanut butter sandwich
Snack:
Carrots
Dinner:
Tuna salad sandwich; vegetable soup; cooked carrots; milk
Snack:
Milk; yogurt; cereal
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Day Six: Bagels and Blessings
I swear I don't have bad mood swings or bi-polar disorder or anything like that. Today was a really good day. It went from being the worst of days yesterday to being fantastic today. What's the deal, man? I don't really care what it is, I'm just happy that it did. I woke up when my alarm went off at 6:37, laid in bed and tried to chat with God (which went as it usually does, with me getting side-tracked), visualized my "look" for the day, and then I got out of bed and got ready. I called my dad as I walked to the Humanities building where I had my Freshman Gateway class. Before class, though, I decided that I would get breakfast at Einstein Brothers. Now, there is definetly something to be said about having a good breakfast. While to most "health critics," a bagel with cream cheese may not be a good breakfast. To someone trying to complete a meal plan (such as myself), though, it is a haven. You see, a bagel at Einstein Brothers counts as 4 grain servings, so getting one of those makes my life easier as far as the meal plan goes. The day was officially off to a good start. I went to gateway, got a coffee, and went to the student union to study. Today was a productive study day, as I finished a paper for my Intro to Missions class and got half way through a reading assignment for Rhetoric and Research. At noon, I met my friend, Alex, for lunch at the cafeteria. We joined my friends Brook and Phillip. Lunch put me in an even better mood than I was before. First off, I was with people I really enjoy, and second, the food in the cafeteria was on point. They had tilapia, steamed broccoli, and this tofu salad stuff. The tilapia was delicious, the tofu salad will make for a good lunch in the near future, and broccoli is always good. The best part of lunch: protein. Yes, I got not just one, but TWO servings of protein at ONE meal. Boo-yah! After lunch, I went to my room, listened to the soundtrack of the film version of "Les Miserables," painted my nails, and wrote a letter to one of my friends from rehab. During this time, I kept my door open, so anyone within earshot could hear me belting out "Les Mis." My friends, Krystal and Brook, came into my room, where I put my high school life on display via pictures from Facebook. After laughing at my adolesence, we then went to Brooke's page and laughed at hers. It's good to be able to find humor in the dark, akward parts of your life.
At 2, I met with my academic advisor to discuss the class I can no longer attend because it conflicts with my IOP. I had to look up other times that class is offered to see if I could take a different class (and I did find one. I just have to wait to see if I can take it.). After my meeting, I returned to the student union to do some more of my reading assignment, and then I went for a walk around campus. I really love to walk. It's probably one of my favorite things to do. This time on my walk, I got to thinking...I have an absolutely amazing life. I realized that I have almost everything that I want in life and I am ridiculously blessed. As I walked, I just kept coming up with different things to thank God for giving me or putting in my life. I returned to my room to get my dinner ready, and then I left for IOP. Fortunately for me, I own the "Les Miserables" movie soundtrack in my car, so it was a jam-sesh all the way to Chattanooga. I arrived 5 minutes late, but it was alright because they hadn't started yet. IOP went well, and I really enjoyed it. I would go into more detail about what we do, but I feel like I would be breaking some sort of confidentiality thing...sorry. As I drove home, I called my parents and my grandma, Norma (I always feel the need to make a point of stating her name whenever I talk about her because her name is so magnificant. Get this, her middle name is Mildred. Sweet.). When I got back to Lee, I met my friends at our dorm, and then we went to Perkits to help our friend, Michaela, with her step team fundraiser. I got vanilla (my favorite flavor of generally anything), and it was mighty good. When we got back to campus, we walked to Dunkin Donuts, being as loud and obnoxious as we could, just because we were having a good time. Upon returning to our dorm, it was time to do the nightly sitting in the hall, the best way to end the day.
It really is amazing how different emotions can come up on different days. Yesterday stunk to high heavens, but today was fabulous. That's another thing I can thank God for. Even though there are bad days, if one trusts in God and remains faithful, He is faithful to us. I was reminded by this today because yesterday was a bad day for me and I told God that I trusted Him and I knew He would make things better. He responded immediately and made today beautiful. I'm not saying that God is a genie and instantly grants our every wish, but I am saying that He hears and listens to us, and He gives us what we need. So, was today a good day because of my bagel? Was it the amount of protein offered at lunch? Was it God? I think it was all three. It's kind of embarassing to admit that food could make my day better, but it was more than the food. It was the fact that those foods made it easier to meet my goal of completing my meal plan for the day, thus honoring God by feeding my body and recovering, which ultimately will lead me to glorify Him in more ways than I could ever imagine. I'm thankful for today, and I pray that tomorrow will be even better. The key may be getting myself a bagel bright and early, or it may be just living. A bagel doesn't sound that great right now though, so let's hope that the alternative will work.
At 2, I met with my academic advisor to discuss the class I can no longer attend because it conflicts with my IOP. I had to look up other times that class is offered to see if I could take a different class (and I did find one. I just have to wait to see if I can take it.). After my meeting, I returned to the student union to do some more of my reading assignment, and then I went for a walk around campus. I really love to walk. It's probably one of my favorite things to do. This time on my walk, I got to thinking...I have an absolutely amazing life. I realized that I have almost everything that I want in life and I am ridiculously blessed. As I walked, I just kept coming up with different things to thank God for giving me or putting in my life. I returned to my room to get my dinner ready, and then I left for IOP. Fortunately for me, I own the "Les Miserables" movie soundtrack in my car, so it was a jam-sesh all the way to Chattanooga. I arrived 5 minutes late, but it was alright because they hadn't started yet. IOP went well, and I really enjoyed it. I would go into more detail about what we do, but I feel like I would be breaking some sort of confidentiality thing...sorry. As I drove home, I called my parents and my grandma, Norma (I always feel the need to make a point of stating her name whenever I talk about her because her name is so magnificant. Get this, her middle name is Mildred. Sweet.). When I got back to Lee, I met my friends at our dorm, and then we went to Perkits to help our friend, Michaela, with her step team fundraiser. I got vanilla (my favorite flavor of generally anything), and it was mighty good. When we got back to campus, we walked to Dunkin Donuts, being as loud and obnoxious as we could, just because we were having a good time. Upon returning to our dorm, it was time to do the nightly sitting in the hall, the best way to end the day.
It really is amazing how different emotions can come up on different days. Yesterday stunk to high heavens, but today was fabulous. That's another thing I can thank God for. Even though there are bad days, if one trusts in God and remains faithful, He is faithful to us. I was reminded by this today because yesterday was a bad day for me and I told God that I trusted Him and I knew He would make things better. He responded immediately and made today beautiful. I'm not saying that God is a genie and instantly grants our every wish, but I am saying that He hears and listens to us, and He gives us what we need. So, was today a good day because of my bagel? Was it the amount of protein offered at lunch? Was it God? I think it was all three. It's kind of embarassing to admit that food could make my day better, but it was more than the food. It was the fact that those foods made it easier to meet my goal of completing my meal plan for the day, thus honoring God by feeding my body and recovering, which ultimately will lead me to glorify Him in more ways than I could ever imagine. I'm thankful for today, and I pray that tomorrow will be even better. The key may be getting myself a bagel bright and early, or it may be just living. A bagel doesn't sound that great right now though, so let's hope that the alternative will work.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Day Five: Terrible Tuesday
Tuesday is the worst day of the week. See, Mondays at least evokes feelings of some nature (usually bad) because it's Monday, Wednesday is "hump day" and the week is half way over, Thursday holds the anticipation of the next day being Friday, and then Friday is Friday and the weekend is the weekend. Tuesdays, though, are nothing. For some reason, whenever something bad or less than pleasant happens to me, it's ALWAYS a Tuesday. Ever since I was in 8th grade, Tuesdays have not been my friend. So far, this Tuesday WAS NOT been a good day for me. I'm ridiculously stressed out and overwhelmed about this stupid meal plan. It amazes me how I could be so happy and pumped one day, and then the next day turns out to give me the complete opposite feelings about the exact same thing. I don't know what it was about today that got me so down. I thought about what I was going to eat at practically every moment of the day. I think a lot of it had to do with the schedule that I have on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have class starting at 9:10, and I don't have a break until 2:30. Trying not to use a meal added to my obsession, an I don't know why because I have 8 left to use by Thursday. Whatever.
Well, I woke up when my alarm went off at 6:37, laid in bed, and tried to pray. Unfortunately, my mind was overtaken by the thoughts of what I was going to eat the rest of the day and planning my day in regards to food. I went from talking to God, and then 15 minutes later, I would realize that I had been thinking about food (even though I'm trying to live in the present). After getting frustrated with my train of thought, I decided to get my ipod in the hopes that I could focus better if I listened to some good ol' Jesus music...nope. Didn't help. I tried for another 20 minutes, and then my thoughts of what I was going to eat throughout the day decided they weren't going any where, so I got out of bed and got ready for the day. I ate my breakfast, made a cup of tea, and went to class. I was able to pay attention to the main point of the class, but I did begin to wander. I went to chapel, where I paid attention to the vast majority, and then I went to Old Testament, where I was completely gone the entire time. We were discussing archaeology (which is something that actually really intrigues me, and I've even considered being an archaeologist), and I just could not get a grip to focus. Next was Rhetoric and Research in the library, where we went over how to find sources on the library's database, and then my school day was over. At 3:00, I walked to downtown Cleveland to go to Y-Cap, a place run by the Chattanooga YMCA that helps 10-14 year old's with juvenile issues and self-destructive behaviors, where I help tutor the kids and help with homework twice a week. I really enjoy it. It's fun and I really like the kids that go. Today, however, I got irritated because the girl I was helping refused to do her homework. That added to my stress, and I was just done with it all. I left after an hour, and as I walked back to my dorm, I was thinking about how stressed I felt, and my initial thought was "just don't eat," or "eat what you want instead of the meal plan." HOLD ON! TIME OUT! Could that be how I deal with stress? By not eating? Is this where my eating disorder has stemmed from? Of course, I said "no" to myself, but it was a very revealing moment for me. When I got to the dorm, I talked to my hall mates about how stressed I was. It felt good to talk about, but it didn't relieve the issue. At 5:15, we went to dinner, and then at 7:30, we went to Convocation. I don't know if it's me or if it's convocation, but I started dosing of again. Sorry, Convocation. I then went to the rec center with some of my friends because I just wanted to do something active and release some of the tension and stress I'm feeling. I cycled for about 5 minutes, and then I remembered that there is a reason why I don't enjoy being physically active.
To people who don't believe in God, or depending on how one practices their faith, this will sound dumb or weird, but I think that these thoughts about food are Satan taunting me and trying to pull me away from Christ. I've figured that is the reason why I am constantly battling myself and my thoughts, especially when I'm trying to speak with God. At least, that is my insight. I've surrendered my eating disorder to Christ, and now I've surrendered my stupid, obsessive, food thoughts to Him. However, I realize that just because I've surrendered doesn't mean that God is going to just take it away from me. It is still a battle, and I have to fight it. The good thing is, though, is that I know that God is fighting with me, on my side, and He's always there to pick me up when I stumble. So even though today was not pleasant by any definition of the word (except for Lucifer, that jerk), it was just a little bump in the road. Just because I had a little snag in my challenge doesn't mean that all. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I'll wake up on the right side of the bed. As long as it's not Tuesday, all is well.
Food Log: Tuesday October 1, 2013
Breakfast:
Cottage cheese; orange; apple
Snack:
Peanut butter crackers
Lunch:
Clif bar
Snack:
Pretzels; hummus; carrots; orange juice
Dinner:
Tuna salad wrap; veggies; pasta sauce; Brussels sprouts; milk
Snack:
Yogurt; graham crackers
Well, I woke up when my alarm went off at 6:37, laid in bed, and tried to pray. Unfortunately, my mind was overtaken by the thoughts of what I was going to eat the rest of the day and planning my day in regards to food. I went from talking to God, and then 15 minutes later, I would realize that I had been thinking about food (even though I'm trying to live in the present). After getting frustrated with my train of thought, I decided to get my ipod in the hopes that I could focus better if I listened to some good ol' Jesus music...nope. Didn't help. I tried for another 20 minutes, and then my thoughts of what I was going to eat throughout the day decided they weren't going any where, so I got out of bed and got ready for the day. I ate my breakfast, made a cup of tea, and went to class. I was able to pay attention to the main point of the class, but I did begin to wander. I went to chapel, where I paid attention to the vast majority, and then I went to Old Testament, where I was completely gone the entire time. We were discussing archaeology (which is something that actually really intrigues me, and I've even considered being an archaeologist), and I just could not get a grip to focus. Next was Rhetoric and Research in the library, where we went over how to find sources on the library's database, and then my school day was over. At 3:00, I walked to downtown Cleveland to go to Y-Cap, a place run by the Chattanooga YMCA that helps 10-14 year old's with juvenile issues and self-destructive behaviors, where I help tutor the kids and help with homework twice a week. I really enjoy it. It's fun and I really like the kids that go. Today, however, I got irritated because the girl I was helping refused to do her homework. That added to my stress, and I was just done with it all. I left after an hour, and as I walked back to my dorm, I was thinking about how stressed I felt, and my initial thought was "just don't eat," or "eat what you want instead of the meal plan." HOLD ON! TIME OUT! Could that be how I deal with stress? By not eating? Is this where my eating disorder has stemmed from? Of course, I said "no" to myself, but it was a very revealing moment for me. When I got to the dorm, I talked to my hall mates about how stressed I was. It felt good to talk about, but it didn't relieve the issue. At 5:15, we went to dinner, and then at 7:30, we went to Convocation. I don't know if it's me or if it's convocation, but I started dosing of again. Sorry, Convocation. I then went to the rec center with some of my friends because I just wanted to do something active and release some of the tension and stress I'm feeling. I cycled for about 5 minutes, and then I remembered that there is a reason why I don't enjoy being physically active.
To people who don't believe in God, or depending on how one practices their faith, this will sound dumb or weird, but I think that these thoughts about food are Satan taunting me and trying to pull me away from Christ. I've figured that is the reason why I am constantly battling myself and my thoughts, especially when I'm trying to speak with God. At least, that is my insight. I've surrendered my eating disorder to Christ, and now I've surrendered my stupid, obsessive, food thoughts to Him. However, I realize that just because I've surrendered doesn't mean that God is going to just take it away from me. It is still a battle, and I have to fight it. The good thing is, though, is that I know that God is fighting with me, on my side, and He's always there to pick me up when I stumble. So even though today was not pleasant by any definition of the word (except for Lucifer, that jerk), it was just a little bump in the road. Just because I had a little snag in my challenge doesn't mean that all. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I'll wake up on the right side of the bed. As long as it's not Tuesday, all is well.
Food Log: Tuesday October 1, 2013
Breakfast:
Cottage cheese; orange; apple
Snack:
Peanut butter crackers
Lunch:
Clif bar
Snack:
Pretzels; hummus; carrots; orange juice
Dinner:
Tuna salad wrap; veggies; pasta sauce; Brussels sprouts; milk
Snack:
Yogurt; graham crackers
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