Frustrated

"I don't want to get better." Those were the words that have come out of my mouth a few times in the past two days. I hate the fact that I'm even thinking it, but I am. Honestly...my life sucks right now. Actually, my life really doesn't suck, but my circumstances and mindset really sucks. I feel like poop.

Treatment is going, well...treatment. I actually enjoy going. I like the people, and I'm trying to get as much as I can out of groups. The best part, though, is that all of my meals (except for my night snack) are given to me 4 days a week, and I don't have to make decisions. I'm done in two weeks, and I don't feel ready at all. I still get anxious about making food related decisions, I can't give up control of my food to my parents, I don't trust my parents with food, and I'm terrified of getting fat. Now, I've always been afraid of getting fat, but last night that fear hit me hard. I'm terrified that I'm going to gain weight and get huge in a short amount of time versus gaining gradually as I grow up. Honestly, I don't know why I'm so scared of getting fat. I always say that it's because I hated myself when I was fat, but after the pounding fear that hit me last night, I think it has to be something more; I just don't know what. Other than treatment, though, I come McHome every night, hang out, do nothing, eat a snack, and sleep. THE BEST PART: what do I have to look forward to in two weeks when it's all over?! NOTHING! That's right! A hot load of nada! I can go back to work, but that isn't really anything to look forward to. Or, for me, it's so routine. Needless to say, I am not looking forward to treatment being over, mainly because it gives me something to do.

So, do I really NOT want to recover? No. I guess what I mean when I say that is my eating disorder is all that I've known for the past 4 years. I know what to expect, how to act, and how I am with it. I'm inflicted with the fear of the unknown. Everything is different now: I'm not in school, so I don't have that routine and I'm growing up, which means so are my friends who go out and have lives. It's not high school anymore, and I really am not coping with it very well. I think that the fact that I developed my eating disorder in my teenage-formation years was unfortunate because I got so used to my life then, not preparing for any sort of change. I want big things for my life, but I'm so afraid of the unknown right now that it holds me back from doing what I dream of. Today, my devotion talked about how God calls us to move out of our comfort zones and go into places where he calls us. These places aren't usually places that are routine or constant, but we must trust that God knows what he's doing. I'm not trusting God with this. I trust God with everything but this situation, and that is something I need to work on. I know that God is using this for a greater good, and I'll be better for it, etc. etc., but honestly...I'm getting a little irritated with God. Like, throw me a freakin' bone here, God. I'm trying to get better, I'm trying to give up control, I'm trying to be your servant...all that I want in return is some clarity, or a sense of direction, or a better sense of my purpose. Right now, I feel like all that I'm good for is having an eating disorder. I know that's not true, but I don't have any idea what else it could be. I'm not mad at God, I just reeeeeeaaalllyyyy would enjoy a little assistance down here.

To sum it all up: I'm very frustrated. Frustrated about recovery, giving up control, not having anything to do besides go to treatment, not having anything to do once I'm done with treatment, not having a good sense of God's will in my life, and just stress. As I write this, I feel guilty because I feel like a whiny little girl complaining about things that are insignificant in the grand scheme of life. I think about people in third-world countries who don't have shoes or clean water and food, and have to care for 9 kids while going to work in a dirty factory, or be sold as a sex slave. Like, compared to that...I need to shut up. At the same time, I suppose my feelings are valid so I shouldn't compare myself to them. I don't know...I'm just so...frustrated.