Praise God and Chocolate Milk

I FINALLY GRADUATED! Last week, I finally ended my treatment in PHP! 5 weeks later than expected, but I did it! Wanna know the best part? I actually feel better. I actually feel....happy. I haven't actually felt truly happy since I was in 8th grade. I don't know what exactly caused it, but I finally just started to feel happy about 4 weeks ago. I attribute it to the power of prayer and God...so thank you to everyone who has kept me in their prayers these past four years. I ended Partial last Friday, one day early believe it or not. Why? Because I got lucky and was allowed to road trip down to Tennessee and see my friends at Lee, which was great. I got back to Ohio on Sunday, and the next day, I began the next stage of treatment...IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). Now,I go to the Nationwide Children's Hospital 4 days a week for 3 hours instead of 6 days for 10 hours. Side note: I haven't actually been in a legitimate hospital; I've been in the eating disorder clinic that is part of the hospital. Since I have more day time now, and since I'm not in school, I returned to work at my seasonal job at the local dairy bar. It's a very strange feeling. Like, I don't want to be back in PHP, but it feels weird trying to adjust to a more "normal" life. I mean, I've been doing the same thing for the past 9 weeks. It's just...so different. Like I said, I don't want to be in PHP, but there is something to be said about the structure of it all: there was so much security and rigidity in it so I wasn't concerned about when or what I would eat or how I would get it all in, since it was all done for me. Now, I have to come up with my own meals, and it's tricky trying to fit it all in. I'm really just struggling with what to eat. Praise God: I'm not struggling with the act of eating, I just struggling to make sure I get it all in. I also actually feel really good about myself right now. I was trying on clothes at Goodwill (my favorite) on Saturday, and it was the first time I saw myself in a full length mirror in a while. I walked out feeling incredibly confident and happy. I felt like I looked so good, and people keep telling me how good I look. However, I'm still on a weight gaining meal plan which makes me slightly anxious and nervous. Like, I feel like I look so good now, so I don't want to gain more. If people think I look good now, what will they think when I continue to gain weight? I know that those are really just eating disorder thoughts, but they are pretty challenging. Oh! I also have only had about 3 eating disorder type thoughts in the past 4 weeks (which is a big deal because I would usually have them almost every minute of every day). Now, I'm working on accepting myself and my body no matter how it looks and just trying to trust that I'm going to look and be fine in the end. I've learned a lot about myself and life in these past few weeks. I've learned that it really is me and not my eating disorder that doesn't like fries. It really is me that wants to be vegetarian because I simply don't like the way meat tastes. I don't have to be a size 0 because that is so relative. Jeans are weird because one size in a certain brand is completely different in another brand. I really love chocolate milk and I want to be one of "those people" who drink chocolate milk all the time. I'm kind of a home-body, and I really don't like that. Treatment has gone by super quick, and before you know it, IOP will be over and then I'll be in summer classes. I have so much to live for that's more than what's going on right now. More importantly, there are bigger things out there than just me or what I eat or how I look. Praise God, because I don't want the chocolate milk I just drank to be the biggest issue in the world.