#dropout

Short and to the point; here we go.

Last Tuesday, I went to a doctor's appointment at Nationwide Children's Eating Disorders Clinic. Not at all to my surprise, I was put into the hospital for being underweight. I wasn't surprised, you see, because based on how I'd been eating (which was horribly), I'd be shocked if I wasn't put into the hospital. I actually kind of wanted to go to the hospital: good food, a week off, and I have so much free time that I could work on school work. So, I went in last Tuesday, and luckily for me, my dad had taken the day off so he hung out with me all day. There I was: in the hospital. The food was kind of disappointing all together, but I got a lot of school work done (waste of time....READ ON FOR MORE ON WHY). And when I say " a lot", I'm talkin' two papers and a lot of reading. Boom goes the dynamite. I got put on some anxiety medicine which knocked me out like a tranquilizer the first day that I took it. Every day, the doctor told me that things were looking good and my weight was going up (not necessarily something I like to hear, but I know that it's what I need to do, so it is what it is). I was released on Monday with a follow-up appointment scheduled for the following Friday. OH! BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT: I saw my menu for Monday, and it was a better day of tasty meals planned, but I was being released that day; AND since the last time I was in the hospital, I had wanted cheesecake, and I was supposed to have it for my snack Monday night! UGHHHH.

At the doctor's appointment before I was admitted, my doctor told me that he thought I needed to be in their PHP (partial hospitalization program) or go into residential. This continued to be discussed daily while I was in the hospital. But, me being me, I didn't want that (especially PHP. That was not going to happen.) I wasnted to continue going to school, and be out of control having my parents make my meals for me. I was eventually told that we could try it, and then decide if it would work at my follow-up appointment. After being released, I drank milkshakes made with Carnation Instant Breakfast (a quick, tasty way to pump up calories; I used to do this when I was a junior in high school for the same reasons) just to make sure that I didn't lose any weight in the four days that I had.

I went to my follow-up appointment yesterday (1/31). After discussing everything with my parents and doctor, I eventually told my parents just to decide what I was going to do because I was getting overwhelmed and frustrated and eventually just didn't care. Here's basically my life now:
I had to drop out of school, I lost half of MY money because yesterday was the last day to withdraw from classes while still getting some sort of refund (so I guess I'm thankful that I got some of it back), I now have to go to the PHP program 45 minutes away every day at 7 a.m. except Sunday for 4 weeks, go to an I.O.P. following that, and I may be staying at the Ronald McDonald house to alleviate logistical issues.

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I spent a lot of it frustrated, angry, balling my eyes out, asking God "why?", and cussing a lot because I was so upset (I don't cuss; I think it's stupid, ignorant, and unlady-like. BUT I do also think because of those things, it's excusable to use when one is upset because they don't have anything better to say, so they just need to get emotion out in some verbal context.) The thing is, though, I'm not completely against or completely upset with the situation. In my head, I know everything sucks because it was NOT what I wanted, but in my heart, I'm content. I think that's God. And another thing: I'm not angry with God about everything going on either. I'm frustrated because I have no idea what where he's leading me or what he wants me to do with my life, but I'm not angry with him. I know that everything going on is for my own good and the good of his kingdom, and there will be a greater outcome; I just have no clue what that could possibly be. I often pray for God to just wreak havoc on my life and take control (in a good way), so I think he kind of is in a way. I believe that this experience is going to make me a better Christian and follower of Christ. I think about people like Job (my biblical role model), and think that this situation, though his was worse, is the same. God basically broke Job down, but Job kept his faith in God, even when the world was telling him not to. So that's what I'm going to do. I keep telling God, "I'll show you! I'm just going to keep my faith in you!" kind of in a "na-na-na-na-boo-boo" kind of way. And I will. I'm a little perterbed because I always planned on being a typical, American student: go to college straight out of high school for four years, get a degree, and then enter the job force. I'm learning that sometimes God has different plans, and that's not the way it has to be. I'm still a little shaken by everything going on, but I'm going to look to God to be my rock. So feel free to call me a "dropout." I'm God's "dropout" (at least for now).