How I Got the Meal Plan

I realized that I never explained where exactly I got this meal plan that I'm following from. How silly of me. I'm sure you're dying to know. Well, here you go! 

Over the summer of this year (2013), I got a job at a little dairy bar in my hometown and was preparing for college. My mindset all summer was "Well, I'm going to be working with ice cream all summer, so I'll probably eat a ton of ice cream every day," and "Well, I'm going to college where I'll have access to unlimited food with my meal plan," (neither of which I did/do) so I basically didn't eat like I should have and lost some weight. I knew that getting out into the world and having freedom in my own life would help me recover more. In order to make this more probable, I went to the Counseling Center at school. I also went to the Health Clinic so that I could make sure that I was healthy and doing alright physically. After the initial intake with the Counseling Center and first couple of checkups with the Health Clinic, they as a team decided that I needed more medical treatment than they could provide. I was given two options: go to a hospital to get medically stable and then (maybe) come back to school, or enter an upper level of treatment. I had no desire at all to receive higher levels of care, and I cried hysterically when I thought about having to leave school. I went with the option to get hospitalized for stabilization. There were no hospitals within a two hour radius from Cleveland, so I decided that I would return to Ohio to go to the familiar Nationwide Children's Hospital (I was hospitalized there for a week in April of 2012). I left Cleveland on a Saturday morning on a Greyhound bus, and arrived in Columbus, Ohio around 9 at night. My family picked me up, we went to Noodles and Company for dinner (I had a "buy one get one free" coupon), and then we went to the hospital. The next morning, the doctors gave me the overall reasons as to why I was admitted: I was in brachycardia (a condition of low heart rate. Mine was at a resting rate of 36 beats per minute...whoa), my white blood cell count was low, and I was severely underweight and malnourished. I wasn't shocked because I figured I was pretty bad, but I hadn't really considered how bad I really was. My first day was spent with my Dad in boredom. I began the "re-feeding" process, which is where one is fed a tiny amount of food so that they don't get sick due to the re-introduction of food in the body. It's interesting because you would think that they would be giving you more food than you want, not less. I was so hungry all day. I was used to eating more food than I was given, but the difference was that the food I was used to eating was filling because of the water density, not nutrient or calorie density. Eventually, my food intake increased, and I was satisfied. 

  A giant, wooden squirrel in the Nationwide Children's Hospital.

                                           

Illegal hospital selfie

I spent 9 days in the hospital, and it was one of the most overwhelming, stressful, and spiritual times in my life. It was stressful and overwhelming because I had to think about what I was going to do when I was discharged. At the time, my options were still either going back to school or going to a higher level of treatment. I was hoping to be able to go back to school, but I found out that wouldn't be happening half way through the week. After that news, my options were going to a higher level of care, or going back to school but getting treatment that could coincide with my schooling (like an IOP or Outpatient program). We found two places in Chattanooga that offered such treatment, so we just had to wait and see if either would take me or if our schedules would mesh. On the ninth day of my hospitalization, I found out that one of them would accept me, their schedule worked swimmingly with mine, and I would be able to return to school! I cried when I found out this news; I was so excited and happy. Before I left, the hospital's dietician met with me and gave me the meal plan that I am currently using for this challenge that was what I was on the last few days in the hospital. It is what I currently need to continue the "re-feeding" process. I say that it was also an incredibly spiritual week because I had to rely on God to know how the rest of my life was to play out. If I could return to Lee, I could continue with classes and be as close to a "normal" student as possible. If he had a different plan for me, I would have to withdraw for the semester and either return to Ohio (that thought killed me) or go to a residential treatment facility again. I prayed every morning by trying to hear God (I have a really hard time with this), reading my daily devotion, reading the Bible, trying to talk to God whenever I thought about it, praying with anyone who offered, talking to people about my faith and faith in general, and writing down my prayers and putting them in a prayer box that I made. The overall prayer each day was for God's will to be done because it is for the best of me and will ultimately happen no matter what I do, but I prayed so hard that His will would align with my own. Ultimately, we met half way, and now I'm back at school, able to take on this challenge of recovery. 

A sweet dinosaur balloon that my Mom got me before I left. I call it the "Swag-o-saur."

The nurses, doctors, and even my family would ask me, "What is different about this time?" or "Why do you think that you can do this?" I could never describe in words what I was, and continue to, feel. It's a type of motivation that I haven't experienced in any stage of my four years of trying to recover. It may be because I'm finally ready to surrender, or it may be because I don't want to have to go back to Ohio. Ultimately, though, I believe it's God. For the past year, I've said that I was waiting on divine revelation, or a "spiritual punch in the face." My eating disorder had become a very personal and spiritual thing for me. Personal, because I knew that there was something within me that wasn't clicking. I knew what to do to get better and how to do it, but the switch to do so internally wasn't flipping on. Spiritual, because I knew that I was destroying God's creation and the "temple" that He made for me; That thought is what hurt. Literally, though, a couple of days before I left for the hospital, I felt a fire ignite to begin recovering. The internal flip had switched, and God had punched me in the face like I had asked for so long. Maybe it was because something like the hospitalization was coming and God knew that I needed that motivation, but I like to think it's my time. Better yet, I like to think that it's God's time for me. God's timing is always perfect, no matter how dire a situation may seem. I've been struggling with this for four years now, and though it may have taken those four years, all of the prayers, encouragement, and love from my family and friends, God knows what is best for me, how it will be best for me, and when it will be best for me. That's the cool thing about God: He knows. The best part is, though, He's like that for everyone. He knows when the right time is for every single person on the face of the earth. He wants the best for every single specimen out there, and even though sometimes it feels like God isn't there or He has favorites leaving others for the worst situations, He's just waiting. He's working on situations and circumstances as we wait for it to be our time. I've learned that trusting in God's time is difficult, especially because His time never correlates with ours. I've also learned, though, that God's timing is worth it in the end. I wouldn't be who I am today without His timing, and I thank Him for that timing because I really do love who I am. Yes, I have the little flaw of being a weirdo with the fear of getting fat, but that's not how I or God sees me. I'm so much more (just like all other people in the world are). I would never take back any of the experiences that I've been through in life because they have molded me into the person I am today. I believe in God's timing and I believe in God's love. That is how I'm going to take the role of Liam Neeson in "Taken", and let my eating disorder know, "I will look for you, I will find you...and I will kill you."